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want to leave husband, afraid to hurt him...
December 16, 2001
6:49 pm
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ceska
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I have been married to a man for almost 5 years, and have been unhappy for about 4 years. I want to leave him, but i feel really guilty. It is not as if he is so awful, it just isn't the relationship I thought I'd be having. We are more like bad roommates than anything. The thing is I can't get the courage to do it, and I am so afraid to hurt him. But if I delay it any longer I feel like I am just wasting his time. Also, no one in my family is divorced, which will be hard for them (and me of course). He is older than me and waited till he was 42 to get married, and he is the only son and he is pressuring me to have kids. I really don't want to have kids when our relationship is so bad. The thing is I am sure he will be happier with someone else, but I know that he doesn't believe it now. I know a lot of support is always given for the person who gets left, but not really for the person who is doing the leaving, and I can't talk about this with any of my family. I'd appreciate any advice...

December 16, 2001
7:16 pm
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Alena
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Ceska, I can really relate to your situation. Have you really thought about this very carefully? I know you say it's been four years of unhappiness, so you have probably given this alot of thought. If you are absolutely sure you do not/can not be married to him, leave him ...as gently as you can. If he doesn't deserve to be hurt, then do everything you can to leave him with his pride and as much of his heart as you can. But do not stay with him out of guilt, or for fear of hurting him. It never works. It will eat away at your relationship and nobody will be happy, including any kids who might unfortunately come along. Somebody always gets hurt when a relationship ends, sometimes both parties, it happens, I am not a believer in staying in a bad marriage. And when only one person is in love, it's a bad marriage.

December 16, 2001
8:44 pm
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SuzyQ
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Now is the time to get out-before having children. Having kids makes these situations so much worse. Be honest with him and let him know that you still care for him as a person and that he's not an a-hole. I broke up with a b/f (I know a lot different than marriage) several years ago who wasn't an a-hole at all which is why I attempted that relationship for too long. There was just no chemistry. It was nobody's fault, it just wasn't meant to be. I know he was hurt and I think I cried more after it was all over. However, it was for the best and we are still kind of friends, but have grown apart more recently. We still occasionally talk online.

December 17, 2001
12:43 pm
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Molly
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since you have no children, go but be sure first. Look at why you married him for starters, and just why the last four years you have been unhappy. Does he know ? Have you given him a chance? do you know what the issues are ? Don't settle, but be clear on why.

December 17, 2001
2:37 pm
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Ladeska
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So, make a list of the reasons you would stay and the reasons you need to leave....

December 17, 2001
7:06 pm
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GiGi
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Ceska - I related to you in a very similar way. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, but together 12 years. He is a hard-worker, take good care of our house, good chef and father. The problem I've had with him is that there is NO chemistry between us in the first place. Why did I married him? I thought there was no "fishes" left in the sea. WRONG! We were more like living as roommates, not couple. I don't love him as I thought I would. What I did is told him the truth on how I feel and that he didn't do anything wrong. He was hurt and upset, left home. Now it's been 3 months and he went on with his life as well as mine's. No hard feeling now. You'll be feeling hard at first, but later on, things will be much easier on you. Don't put off too long because the longer you wait, the more depressing you will get. I suggest you seek counseling first and see what they can help you with. I did went to mine's and realized that my marriage won't work at all, based on my decision. I realized that I can't worried about his or mine's families that they don't believe in divorce. You are worrying about their feelings - what about your's? The only person who cares about your feeling is YOU. It's your decision - not them! Will you picture yourself with him as a happy couple five years from now? Be sure to know the pro and con about him before deciding. Good luck.

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