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want to have affair (revisited)
January 15, 2003
7:15 am
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Anonymous
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Thanks to all who replied to my earlier message and gave me advice. The general consensus is that I am bored with my wife. Sadly, this is true.

But it is not all sexual. We simply do not communicate anymore. I suffer from severe depression and she does not understand. I am open with my feelings and she is not. Conversing with her is oftentimes too much work.

Some of it is sexual--routine, no excitement, etc. I try talking about fantasies with her (nothing kinky or weird in my opinion) but she just says that I am weird and laughs embarrassingly at me. So I keep them to myself.

I find myself fantasizing about other women--ex-girlfriends, women at work, etc.--which is something I have NEVER done before. I found myself dreaming of having an affair to get back the feelings of "new love" and exciting sex. I really do not think I could ever bring myself to do it but the constant thinking about it was beginning to worry me. I thought I was sick or perverted in some way. You folks helped me realize that my feelings are probably normal. That makes me feel much better.

Obviously I have much work to do on this marriage (and I feel like I get little in the way of help from her) but I asked her yesterday about marriage counseling and she said she would go. We'll see what happens.

This is not the end of my problems, though. I am a person with many issues--obssessive-compulsive behavior, manic depression, high stress, and not happy with life right now. Perhaps you folks could help me with more issues...?

Thanks again.

January 15, 2003
9:39 am
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Hi there. My husband has had major long term depression for about 6 years and it does get in the way. With your wife not opening up, she may have gotten the impression that you can't handle any issues outside of your own. This builds up distance and resentment on her part. She might feel she can't lean on you for support because she has to be the strong one.

Meanwhile, you are openly discussing your issues and (maybe) seem a little self-absorbed, which is common when you are trying to overcome a depressive episode. This only makes her feel her life is not important in your eyes.

You might need to realize these feelings you have are a signal of overall dissatisfaction - not just sexually but also with your day to day life. Check with your psychiatrist to see if you need an adjustment to your medication. Be TOTALLY upfront with your doctor, or they cannot really help you. It took a day in the psych ward for my husband to realize he must lay everything out on the table for him to get the appropriate help.

Also, get together with a psychologist who specializes in depression. You need someone who is not invested in protecting you to talk with. They may help you come up with better mechanisms for building up your marriage again. This should be in addition to going to marriage counseling, because your perceptions are severely compromised by that big grey cloud of depression.

In my experience, and with many in my support group of wives of depressed men, your marriage undergoes a drastic change when depression changes your husband. Your wife needs to change her expectations of you and you need to adapt also.

I think you do know that running off with some vixen might give you a temporary lustful high, but that will wear off soon. You need someone to be with you for the long haul. It is not an easy adjustment, but for your sake it is worth trying to save your marriage.

I wish you good luck in your journey!

Jenny

January 15, 2003
2:54 pm
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For the most part I agree with Jenny. I think it is highly encouraging that your wife is willing to go to marriage counseling with you!

However, I think you do need to scrutinize the fact that she basically shuts you out and laughs off your overtures. Eventually if this does not change thru the counseling, this is highly unhelpful behavior! You can't carry the load yourself. Maybe she is content to just live out the rest of her life in this situation. Are you? It's not like you get a do-over if your life is unsatisfying when you look back at the end.

Good luck and we are all here to help if we can, or just listen if we can't.

January 15, 2003
6:32 pm
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Do you and your wife have any children?

Yes it makes a difference.

Are you at all in the upkeep of the interior/exterior of your home?

What was your relationship with your wife like BEFORE you married?

What does SHE want?

January 15, 2003
10:16 pm
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>Do you and your wife have any
>children?

Yes, two children.

>Are you at all in the upkeep of the
>interior/exterior of your home?

Very much so. I do most of the cleaning, decorating, maintenance, etc. We just built a new house and there is still much work to be done. Overwhelmed just thinking about it all...

>What was your relationship with your
>wife like BEFORE you married?

Very different. She was more open to conversation then. Obviously, the relationship was more "fun" before marriage--that goes without saying. We both changed over the years and in the last two years, she has really clammed up and began not expressing her feelings and such. Perhaps "beenthruthat" hit the nail on the head--maybe I have been too self-absorbed and she feels neglected. Believe me, though, I have always gone out of my way to tell her I love her, need her, etc. But I guess I criticize her a lot, too.

>What does SHE want?

That's just it...I don't know! I ask her that question all the time. I want to know but she refuses to answer for whatever reason. Whatever she wants, I would gladly give it to her.

January 20, 2003
4:43 pm
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It isnt a "given" that marriag egets boring, it is a "given" that people grow apart. If you werent to call your friend for some time or go out with him in a while, perhaps you would grow apart from him in the same way you have grown apart from your wife.

Just because you live together, does not mean you are doing much together in the way of connection, communication, love etc. Work at it or let go.

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