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Want to ask you all to think about this...
July 22, 2005
1:31 am
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on my way
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A friend of mine explained to me today about why I, maybe not you, but it is so profound, I bet most of us are this way regarding wanting to contact and old love.

Maybe this could be added to the no cobtact thread, but anyway here it is:

As some are codependents, we are similar to an alcoholic...AND I do not mean anything personal by this, we all seem to have an addiction of some sort, but again speaking in first person, I have similar behaviors to what iscalled a "dry drunk" ....whenever I feel as if I am up and ready to take on the world again in a dry drunk stage, I am ready to contact an old love. I do not drink, but growing up in an alcoholic family, I am sure I have picked up patterns of dealing with life as it is.

With wanting to contact, I go through withdrawal, and to contact him is to get my fix...so to speak.

This made sense to me, because this is what happens. After I get my fix, it does not work again, because it is the same pattern again and again. SO I work on myself, get healthy so I do not fall or believe I need him for an emotional fix.

She explained it so much better, like in 2 sentences....
so does this make sense to anyone?

I read here about going back and notbeing able to give up and how hard it is to let go. Maybe it is because we feel we need a fix to support and addictive personality, then when we lose that person to "drug" us, we go through intense withdrawal, because like a drug, it is pure hell.

ok, I'm done.

opinions, thoghts?

July 22, 2005
2:34 pm
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kathygy
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Sounds pretty accurate to me.

July 22, 2005
2:41 pm
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SexySadie
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I can definitely grasp this theory!! It definitely is a withdrawl...not always a healthy one either...little sleep, little food, lotsa stress and cigarettes...what is worse, me or the A in my life? I wasn't like this before in my life.

July 24, 2005
10:09 am
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Anonymous
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On my way, I absolutely agree with your assessment! I have thought that about myself for a very long time. Thanks for putting words to it!

July 24, 2005
10:12 am
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exoticflower
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OMW, that sounds exactly correct from my experiances.

July 24, 2005
2:23 pm
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Anonymous
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Way,

This is sooo me.

"whenever I feel as if I am up and ready to take on the world again in a dry drunk stage...I am ready to contact an old love."

When things are GREAT and there's someone to share it with things are GREAT. When things are GREAT and there's no one to share it with, things are only ok.

The withdrawal or letting go part is is almost impossible for me too, even if I'm the one breaking up. My favorite thing to say is: I don't want to loose you as a friend, we've got too much history." The it's just a matter of time before we're engaged in ALL the thing that we were
doing before and the cycle continues.

I'm not an alcoholic either, but I guess I have adopted maladaptive patterns due to exposure to them.

Girls, I can relate!

July 24, 2005
2:29 pm
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on my way
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yes, and it is good to get healthy to know the difference and to know how to connect on a level "if at all possible" that does not involve getting a fix, but most of all to be a positive influence in someone elses life.

now that erhaps we ahve an idea of what this is all about, can we think of ways to counteract it?

July 24, 2005
2:52 pm
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Anonymous
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I will go a long time in between these terrible relationships, in which time I will get stronger, work on my self-esteem, and then when I feel I can handle it, I make the contact. it is like a self-defeating thing, isn't it? We have programmed ourselves, or been programmed to the inevitable rejection?

July 24, 2005
2:55 pm
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on my way
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auntpolly,
100% agreed. but i do not think it is all of our fault. i took a look at the thread Nature vs. Nurture...at its best. have you seen it yet? it ddescribes the other 1/2 that could be happening as well to us women who always go back and make the contact. let me know what you think.

July 24, 2005
6:06 pm
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Anonymous
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On My Way
oh yeah, the money in the bank, oh yeah. I've done that, every time. a couple of months ago, i had this blinding flash - I am great at the sexual part, but when it comes to true intimacy, i don't think i even know what that is.
And maybe since all I am willing or able to give is the sexual part, i have confused a good lover for someone who is in love with me?
Also, thinking back, I have no problem spending money on someone, but when he does it, it scares me, I don't want to owe anyone, or feel obligated to any one.
So where do I go from here?

July 24, 2005
6:22 pm
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on my way
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i am hoping more peopel step in here, i do not know all of the answers.

i do know that for me personally, sex always changed the dynamics of the relationship for me.

#1 I compromised my beleifs to be accepted...dumb of me.

#2..sex is serious. i beleive that friendship is important first, dating, building the intimacy is importatn BEFORE it is taken to the bedroom. intimacy takes timw to build..to do it otherwise sometimes is putting the cart before the horse so to speak.

intimacy is more difficult to establish for codependents, do it is good to study and learn about what it is and what it iinvolves and then practice it.

even someone buying you gifts out of the blue...all very nice but sometimes it is uncomfortable due to not understanding the intimacy involved.

why do you feel obligated to soeone if they spend money on you?

July 24, 2005
6:44 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure, I think maybe from when I was younger, bar-hopping. You know, if a man bought you a couple of drinks, he expected you to go home with him. I also might be projecting my expectations- that money in the bank theory.

July 25, 2005
8:38 am
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kc30
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I agree 250% with this.

Thanks for sharing...

kc

July 25, 2005
9:47 am
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2bstrong
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On my way...I was thinking of you this morning. I thought about contacting you in libs...which I will probably do today, anyway.

Yes, I agree with this. I am there every single day. Today is the anniversary of 8 weeks of no contact for me, and I the urge has waned, but it is still there.

In my situation, because my ex is not one to discuss feelings or serious matters at length, or at all for that matter, there were a lot of times in our relationship where conflicts or issues were not resolved so there was no closure. Eventually, the little things turned into one, giant, huge ball of tension. I got no closure at all at the end of the relationship. The way the he ended it was horrible and inconsiderate. I want to contact him again to achieve some form of closure, but I am thinking with the history of his communication style, I would come away feeling worse.

I am going to discuss this with my counselor tomorrow evening. Thanks for listening.--2b

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