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Waking Up
February 22, 2006
2:43 pm
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centex76
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About 3 days ago I was scouring the net for forums related to living with a spouse with severe depression. Many web sites later I somehow ended up here. I realized that after my wife attempted suicide a year ago I slowly but surely became a co-dependent. I have ordered books that have been recommended, in the meantime I just keep reading threads. I feel like I have actually woken up from a bad home situation and now have some avenues to pursue. I now realize that someone can care too much. By caring so much, I have hurt her and I. I now admit that I have become sick in this last year, and I am really glad I found this site. I am looking forward to reading more.
I told my wife a couple of days ago that I thought I had become a co-dependent, she didn't believe me. I am just sick and tired of my emotions being dictated by how she acts day to day. If she is depressed or suicidal for 1 day, I may feel like sh*t for 3-4 days. I have become too emotionally invested in her actions.
I am new to this site, and would apprecitate similar stories or references to good reading material.

Thank you

centex76

February 22, 2006
4:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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When your own moods and feelings are dictated by how happy/sad/angry/depressed/pleased or displeased your SO (significant other) is, then you are codependent. Definitely, get yourself some suppport for this. Professional therapy would be best. In the meantime, pick up CODEPENDENT NO MORE at the bookstore (it is a bestseller) and realize that you have allowed yourself to become enmeshed emotionally with your wife. You are NOT responsible for her feelings. You are not even responsible, if she chooses to take her own life. I am a suicide survivor (my late husband committed suicide two years ago), so I know from hard experience what I am talking about. I, too, am a recovering codependent.

Keep posting on this site. Many of us are in your boat and will lend an understanding ear without judging you.

God bless.

- Strong

February 22, 2006
5:23 pm
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centex76
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Thank you very much for your reply, you definately reinforced the idea that I should, and need to be here. This codependency thing hit me out of the blue. I knew that I was at risk for becoming cod. what you said about letting my moods being dictated, hit the nail on the head. That was the reason I started looking for answers in the first place. Before I look for a therapist, I am going to do some hardcore reading. If I still need a therapist then I will get one.
I am sorry to hear about your husband. I am suprised my wife hasn't committed suicide yet. I have held my breath on several occasions. I think it is a miracle that she hasn't done so yet. I dont know if she will ever get better, but I am damn tired of the whole situation. Thank you again for your reply.

centex76

February 24, 2006
2:39 am
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das033
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hello Centex and welcome,

In reading your thread, it leads me to think she is trying to control you with her actions is obvious and she may have some kind of psychological problems that she is not aware of. have you ever heard of manic depression? is she bipolar? has she in the past ever say I am tired of feeling this way, I need some serious professinal help? Does she even want help? What is her excuse for not getting help?
does she tell you why she is depressed? or is it an excuse not to deal with life in general? these are some important questions to ask and will tell you alot about what is going on and why.

I learned this in high school and it makes sense, hear me out....

Suicide is a major cry out for help,
if the person really wanted to commit suicide then the person would do it when they are sure that noone is there too watch and noone will be there to rescue them.
If she is doing this in front of you, she knows you will rescue her by calling the ambulence or by taking away whatever she is trying to use to hurt herself, and she is going through the motions knowing you will be right there, which in the case would lead me to believe that she is just trying to get your attention and it works.
This does not mean that you should not take it serious, this means that if she trys again then, call the police this will let her know that she is going to a hospital and she will be get pschological help that she needs and after that she will never try that again, for attention if that is the case. this is not a game! Maybe they can perscribe zoloft or something depending on her diagnosis and then it will be up to her to actually take the meds everyday. and then it WILL NOT be up to make sure of this cuz, it is up to you to love her, not take care of her in a way that she is self destructive and not taking care of herself, there is only so much you can do for one that is mentally ill.

Centex, hear me, do not ever assume that she is just pulling another one of her episodes, this is not fair to you. you did not marry her to be her rescuer, which by the way is a big codependent sign.
"I have become too emotionally invested in her actions"
is another major sign of being codependency.
so in dealing with this emotional rollercoaster day to day is affecting your health, and this is where you can step back and say hey, centex I need to take care of Centex.
You cannot take care of someone else unless you are healthy (emotionally,physically)yourself.

I hope this helps.
good luck, big hug you need it
(((((((centex))))))))

February 24, 2006
1:19 pm
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centex76
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wow, thanks for the reply. last year she spent 1 month inpatient psyc after her suicide attempt. She came extremeley close to succeding. Since then, she has continues to see dr's and therapists. Sometimes being vigilant about her appts and sometimes skipping them for weeks at a time. She was diagnosed with major depression and borderline personality disorder. To be honest, I am truly suprised she made it through this last year. However, now I am looking at the huge financial burden she has brought on our household. She went to work a few weeks ago after a 9 month stay at home, (50k/yr) and walked out after 3 weeks. SHe said that her memory sucked from the depression and she was extremeley tired. When she quit, all the memories from the prior year came flooding back to me. I guess I can say that she is better, but still needs a lot of work. Like I said, I am just sick of feeling like crap when she isn't doing what she is supposed to, i.e. looking for another job or taking her therapy serious. Thats why I know I belong here, because when I cant control her I feel horrible. All this is new to me, and I hope I am on the right track to helping her and me. Thanks again for the reply.

Centex76

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