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Vixster - Our dog ate the guinea pig, and then it got worse
February 19, 2004
8:11 am
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vixster
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I posted last week, explaining my situation. Husband promised to quit drinking several times - has not done so, but I continue to stay. He's not abusive, he has a good job, travels extensively, and I work from home part time.

Anyway, the other day our dauschund accidentally got into my son's room, and got to his new guinea pig. Unfortunately, the guinea pig (Snickers) did not survive. It was not pretty.

My husband was in town, but out to lunch with a buddy (which means - drinking), and he came home and discarded the pet from the den.

He went back downstairs to his office, and later came up when I picked my son up from school. You can always tell when he's been drinking because he blinks A LOT. Not sure why that is.

I went downstairs and found several empty beer cans in his briefcase, and a couple under his desk. I tried to remain calm, but I freak out when he is drinking in the middle of the day, and working! He is on th phone a lot with clients and support technicians. I'm sure it is apparent in his voice that he is not the same person as he was in the morning!

He was called out of town later that day and had to drive to South Carolina. We did not talk until yesterday.

He said I overreacted to his drinking during the day. I told him that reaction is from years of anger, and layers upon layers of frustration, and that I am the idiot for staying! He does not think there is anything wrong with what he is doing. What am I missing here!!!

February 19, 2004
8:20 am
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Kessie
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Could have been worse, honey, - what if the guinea pig had eaten the dog?

February 19, 2004
8:22 am
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Try to forgive me for that - just sometimes I can't seem to help myself, - and a sense of humour does make things more bearable! I was married to just such a drinker for twenty seven years, so I do understand.
sorry!
Kx

February 19, 2004
9:25 am
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artist 2
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Hm. Men - check out my comment on other thread. The ones I know are like kids and they react like kids. They run away or behave like they need an adult around. Like the drinking. The little kid in him probably needs some "parent" to tell him to stop. Of course, this is not possible and he knows it. Don't ever try to be his parent - you don't need the trouble. A grown up kid is bad news, but maybe... maybe I'm being too hard and all he needs is some comfort?

February 19, 2004
10:29 am
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vixster
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Kessie - it was not a pretty site - poor Snickers! My question is how do I control my reaction to what he does? How do I find the ability to just cope and just "let it be"? Is that what detachment is all about?

Artist2 - you're right - he is like a grown kid - in several ways - money, chores, etc. What is it in my personality that keeps perpetuating this vicious circle? I just need to break out of this pattern.

I think it would be futile to ask him to quit drinking forever (even if it is one day at a time). He thinks I should be ok if he cuts down, and only drinks on weekends and special occassions. I asked him what was so special about the middle of a Tuesday afternoon while he was working?

February 19, 2004
10:31 am
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artist 2
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It's not you babe.

February 19, 2004
3:12 pm
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vixster
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Then why am I feeling so bad? Is that what co-dependency is -- getting your emotions whacked out because of what someone else is doing that you know you can do nothing about? It's awful -- how do I beat it?

I know I can leave, I just hate to put my son and my mom thru all of it. What are the best coping methods - turn a blind eye?

February 19, 2004
5:42 pm
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Hi Vixter,

I dont really know what to say - I remember so well these scenes with my ex. I never did leave ontil je said he was going to leave me - I dont know why - but I had two boys as well - I remember once when I eventually got around to going - talking to my solicitor about it and she said she didnt understand women who just put up with being knocked about and abused.

I said to her 'picture this - you are in bed. Two oclock in the moring. He comes in, drunk. He's violent wants sex, so you just let him do it to get it over with. If you dont he rapes you. What do you do then, get up, get the kids out of bed, get them dressed, take then - where? friends dont want you in the middle of the night, theres no one nearby. In the morning he's sorry, says he wont do it again.

You have a reasonable home, but no money to start again, so you get used to it and put up with it. I just became immured. I wish I hadnt. Gingerleigh in one of the other threads said make a plan if you're able; get some money together. Plan your escape. Plan what you're going to say. I wish there'd been a Ginger when I went through what you're going through.

I can't give advice - I wish I could. all I know is that I wish I hadnt wasted so much of my life.

Love K

February 20, 2004
1:54 am
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vixster
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Dear Kessie

Thanks for responding. I think we've all been thru something messy at times, and somehow found our way out of it. Doesn't that stand for something?

I know I've had some pretty scary situations and somehow made it thru. Maybe we are all here to tell each other that it will be OK, that we can make it -- that we are making it. Don't ever give up! Whatever you can do to make it through, that is what gets you to the other side!

Love to All!

February 20, 2004
3:23 pm
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bel
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Hi Kessie Im so glad your not going through that abuse anymore. Your siuation sounds just like my mothers was with my real father. She had six kids and endured abuse from him for 20 years until she finally broke free of him and at the same time we kids were also set free of that abusive man. Things have changed alot since then which was the 1950's and 60's and there is alot of help out there if you want it. By seeing what my mother went through I made sure no man would ever treat me like that, I suffered abuse but have found my way to deal with it and move on.

Thank you for sharing
Bel

February 20, 2004
3:27 pm
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bel
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Vixter IM sorry your living with someone who drinks too much or all the time. IM sure you worry about car accidents or his losing his life or job and not to mention when you want to talk with him and can't because he may be drunk. All you can do if you don't want to leave the marriage is take care of you and your children, you all come first. Have you tried the coda meetings?

February 20, 2004
5:12 pm
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vixster
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Hi Bel

Thanks for responding. You're right! I used to work full time, making good money. Now, I'm working only part time from home. So, he is the main provider. And yes, I'm more concerend about him losing his job, DUI, or hurting someone else. Truth be told, he has cut WAY back on his drinking - even quit for a few months.
Lately, he's been drinking again. I told myself, I'll just wait until he really messes up, and then decide it's really time to go!
Thanks for your input. I do try to take care of myself, but I've been really down lately, even though the doctor doubled the effexor xr! I have not tried coda meetings -- i tried alanon - maybe not enough though. Do you like coda meetings?

February 20, 2004
5:19 pm
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bel
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I liked the coda meetings and its so nice to say all you want to say and know there is someone there who is going through the same thing as you are and can relate. It makes you stronger and makes your thinking more clear. You learn to set up boundaries in your life and when you give support to someone else your also giving to yourself.

I hope things work out for you.

February 20, 2004
5:27 pm
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Hi Vixster,,,I'm in the same situation. The only difference is we haven't been married as long as you guys.

I know that sinking feeling when you find out they've been drinking during the work day. Mine even admitted a while back that he took some wine to work with him! I couldn't believe it!!

Vixster, I'm not sure if I read what coping skills you have. It is so hard though to love someone who just won't/can't stop drinking.

My husband just isn't here for me emotionally, and I certainly don't want sex with a drunk (which is the only time he wants to do it), and sometimes he gets ugly when he's drunk.

I've turned a blind eye myself for a long time. But that doesn't work. Then I decided to pursue my own life, but I'm lonely. I'm lonely with him and lonely without him. I've gone through divorce before, and the thought of it just makes me want to get in bed and never get out.

I've heard it all, from I'll just drink on the weekends to I'll just cut down gradually, only to have it begin all over again. Detachment? I just don't know. I'm trying to find answers myself to these very same problems.

So sorry about Snickers,,,those little dogs can be quite mean!!! I used to have one, and he was a holy terror..

February 20, 2004
7:32 pm
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vixster
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Hi bel - I did look up coda meetings in my area, and there is a group nearby. I'm considering giving it a try - do they address living with someone who drinks, or does it matter what your situation is at all? I really like all of the support and information this site here provides - everyone is so wonderful and forthcoming!

February 20, 2004
7:38 pm
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vixster
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Dear Wantobewell

It is lonely either way isn'it. Are you divorced from him now?

I've gone back and forth so many times on what to do. I did not get married until my mid 30's. Our son is 11 now. I have my mom in my town now because she has Alzheimers. I would have to move everyone if I decided to leave, because I would go back up north (brrhh!) where all of my mom's family live.

Somedays I think, "It's not so bad...compared to other people's situation". You know, rationalizing so you don't have to make the difficult decisions. My therapist said, you'll either leave, or figure out a way to live with it!

My coping skills are not in good shape - any suggestions? In "Co-Dependent No More", she talks a lot about detachment. That sounds good, but too me it feels like the same as being angry and giving him the silent treatment!

I'm sure when your husband is not drinking, he's great. They just turn into someone else even after just a few beers!

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