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Visitation gone bad need help
February 16, 2001
2:08 am
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nkm
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2 Years ago I was having financial problems and the fork in the road was loose my 2 girls to the state or give them to their dad till the end of summer. Well of course I gave them to their dad. The agreement was that by the end of summer I would be on my feet and get them back, well by the end of the summer he had gone and gotten custedy of one of them (the baby) she was his daughter) and not the other. (she(The oldest) was not his daughter but he has raised her since she was 8 months old). Well 2 years have gone by I have tried to talk to them about getting them back. The problem is that they have never been without eachother and now he says that the baby( His daughter) stays with him and that I can TRY to take the other. I don't want to split them up but I have the feeling that emontionally she (The oldest) is not getting his and his fam. attention. And I don't want to loose her emotionally. How do I bring her home with me and not the the baby(His daughter) without making her feel unwanted??? How can I reasure her that I do love her and that I will do my best to bring her home with me as soon as possible?

SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME INPUT....

Don't know what to do and it is killing me !!!!!!!

~nkm~

February 16, 2001
5:08 am
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Dilly
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Hi there,

Sorry to hear about the awful dilema you are in, I know it's easy for me to say, but do you think you could try to step back a bit and look at things from all sides? How about if you divide your problems up, for instance,

Do you really want to leave the baby for him to bring up?

Do you really want to split the sisters up?

How about trying to adopt a "sweetness and light" attitude ie: Oh you have been sooo good to have the children throughout all my troubles, so how about if you have a break, and I have them for every other week-end?

Remeber, you catch far more flies with honey then you do with vinigar!

Whatever you do, don't give up, especially on your eldest, who knows what she has been told about you! So make sure you get the chance to tell her your side, and that you DIDN'T abandon her.
Good-luck, hang on in there, keep us posted.

February 16, 2001
9:32 am
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pg lova
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Nkm,

I would tell you to pray. As a minister, I am convinced that the world is under the guardianship of a loving God. There are times when trials arise that we do not understand. So, it's reassuring to know that God is there to bring us through. You should get a lawyer and see how you can get your daughters back. Afterall, you are the mother and you have been there for the girls emotionally. Once you've done this, you just leave the rest to God. As Donnie McClurkin said "Stand, when there's nothing left to do. Stand, and watch the Lord see you through. Yes! After you've done all you can, you just stand. Stand and be sure. Stand and endure. God has a purpose, God has a plan."

God Bless U,
PG Lova

PS If you ever need to speak with me or need prayer, just e-mail me at [email protected].

February 16, 2001
6:30 pm
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Alena
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How old are the girls?

I'm just wondering how he got custody in the first place. And what about visitation? Have you kept an ongoing relationship with them? Do you see them very often and are you someone on which they can depend?

My first reaction to your post was, hey, she's the mom, go get your kids girl. But what's really important here are not your feelings exactly, but what is going to be the least traumatic and most healthy for the girls. That's why I wonder how old they are. Is he a good dad? Is he willing to work with you, what about joint custody?

February 17, 2001
1:12 am
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nkm
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Alena: to answer your questions...
The oldest is 10 my baby is 9.

As far as custody I ma not sure how he got it. I have a lawyer working on it and as I understand it since I did not show up in court the day of the hearing he was awarded custody.

Now I never got a summons NEVER. When I asked him he said that he did not have my address but my address is on the paperwork. Two weeks after the paper was signed he went to my moms house to drop off the Girls so I could spend time with them.

i see them as often as I can they live 4 hours away from me and without good transportation I can't go out there that often, but I do go out there about 5 times a year and I bring them donw for summer and christmas.
What is going to be the least traumatic and most healthy for the girls is why i havenot gone to get the one I have custody off. They are 15 months apart and to see them you would think they were twins.

As far as him being a good dad???? I thought so but as I have found out for the last 3 months they have been living with his mother cause he got remarried and his new wife does not care for HIS kids.

He is not will to work with me on this. He knows that I am hurting becauseI don't have them and since I am hurting he is happy. I said he was a good dad never said anything about a good Man.

PG Lova:
GOD is in everything I do. I always give my problems to him cause I know he will do what is best.

Dilly:

No I don't want to split them up. That is where I am having the problem.

As I'm sure you have noticed she is not that much of a baby just my baby.
But NO I don't want to leave her either.

I am sure that they have filled both of their heads with nothing good about me. Something I never did when the shoe was on the other foot.

I know I will have them back with me. I just hope sooner than later is all. They are my Babies !!! I will never abondon them.

nkm

February 18, 2001
1:20 pm
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Alena
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Well, my immediate reaction was to think maybe the children would be better off with dad. You were in a bad situation, although I don't know the details, I wonder wasn't dad supposed to pay child support? Did you have a job? What about dad of first child? Child support? You don't have to answer any of that, I'm just telling you that without all those terribly important items, it's hard to say who should get them. Whomever has been the most responsible, actively interested, loving, that would be my guess.

But, now that you mention this new wife stuff and she doesn't like his kids, then if that's true, how long does he expect Gramma to have girls? Till new wife likes them? What is this doing to the girl's self-esteem and love for dad? Talk about confusion for 2 little minds. That info in itself should be a major point for a slick attorney to drive home to a judge. If dad can't provide a loving stable home, and mom CAN, then that's where they should be. CAN you? Are you all over your troubles? Are you ready to stay out of these troubles again. If you can't, and Gramma can, then I think they should stay with her. Better than being constantly juggled around from one unstable parent to the other. And I wonder just how stable this dad is if he marries someone who does not like his children! What a jerk. I'm not real fond of parents who take their children's lives so lightly, and somewhere down on their priority list.

Good Luck nkm, try to stay strong, pull yourself together and present the best mom you can to your girls and the court. We need more children to be reared lovingly and securely. We're seeing more and more lifeless adults with serious problems because of the insecurity they suffered as children. If you get them, don't ever take a chance on losing them again. Do whatever you have to do to keep them.

February 19, 2001
10:35 pm
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Molly
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After having custody of my girls, and all of the suffering, I wish I had been the parent with out custody. Sad but true.At the time I thought I was loosing custody I thought I was mad, and went hell bent on securing custody. I think I know your pain. since it sounds like he bent the law on a techinical issue of address, and now has abandondend the girls at grandma's you have a good case, you don't need his support. Document , document , document. They are almost at an age, or are at the age where they can make known their feelings. Let them speak.

February 20, 2001
2:29 am
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nkm
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Alena -
A: When we first split he was paying child support. but then he got hurt while at work and lost his job. Money stopped coming in.
A: Yes I did have a job but at that time my mom ans stepdad were breaking up and he had bought me the car I had so when he went the car did too...
by then my mom had moved away from where I was and she could not help.
I lost my job, inturn my apt. in turn my girls...
A: At the time I was also going to court with the oldest's dad for cutody and all those good things.... which he did not make easy. (When do they) He passed away last year and this is when all this mess got ugly.

In the 8 years or so they were with me ... they did not need anything cause with or without thier dads help I had it made. anything they needed and wanted they got... but most of all they got me. After we split I di not go looking for another man. They were the only thing that mattered. I was not going to take up thier time with me to spend it with another man that would end up leaving us anyway.

A: As far and the new woman ... Don't know anything about her ... but his mom now wants cudoty of both girls so I guess that mean yes stay with mom forever... Not if I can help it. They are better off with me then Her and or him. No doubt they have been well taken care of, But I can do better then Her.
A: I now am very able to take care of them. I have a great paying job, but even better it is one that I can do from home, and at anytime of the day or night. I will soon become part owner of it, so... I have a 4 bedroom home, big yard, Great Family car good neighborhood and good schools... all I need is them back home where the belong.

I am greatfull that he was there when I needed him to be. (as a father should be) but it is time for them to come home... they are turning into young ladies and they should be with thier mother.

Molly-

You are right. They have told me lots of time they want to be with me. and I will (if it not to ugly for them) have them talk, if it goes that far.

All I want is my girls I don't want a fight. up untill now we have stayed friends for thier sake. we should not change things now. I would think.

nkm

February 20, 2001
8:13 am
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Alena
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Well, good for you nkm. I think the way you've described your life sounds like a very good arguement in court. He lost a job, you lost a job, you're back on your feet and able to support a family, he's in the middle of "a new-wife,vs. old-family" crisis.

As long as you've recovered from your problems, Gramma should not have a part in this. You are the mom.

Go get a lawyer and go for it. You won't know what you're legally up against until you ask someone who knows. Don't rely on ex to give you any break, time to go through the law.

Good luck, keep us posted.

February 20, 2001
9:26 pm
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Molly
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This is war, and to hell with being friends, you tried that. You can be polite, to get what you need done. Get the best damn lawyer you can. Let the girls speak up. don't go half way and be sentimental, it always screws us women in the long run. Are you aware if you have any legal custodial rights at all, although you did not show up for court, often they leave legal issues as a joint issue. It would be interesting to review the documentation that supported you received the supena, if that is how they do it where you are.
From what you stated it sounds like you have a strong case.
Good luck to you with your daughters, you have a tough job ahead of you, glad you were smart enough to surrender them to their father so you could get on your feet, I am sure it was the only way you could, don't ever regret it, it was the only choice you could make at the time, and a true mother.

March 20, 2001
2:50 am
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nkm
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AN UPDATE :

I have my girls with me even if just for spring break......

But they had told me that they want to stay with me so now it is war....

They don't want to live over there anymore....

I have talked to my lawyer and he wants to talk to them....

I will keep ya'll posted.

NKM

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