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victoriagirl
October 8, 2005
1:11 am
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victoriagirl
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September 24, 2010
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Looking for peace

October 8, 2005
1:14 am
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victoriagirl
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im new at this so i did it wrong but i really need some advise about getting my serenity back
Ive been spending time with a man who I dont think loves me ore is incapable of love so It make me doubt who I am. It makes me doubt if I am good enough. He judges the way I speak how I feel, I want to be with someone who I dont think cares. Whats wrong with me Am I so desperate for company that I will spend time with someone who makes me feel bad about who I am.
Help

October 8, 2005
4:59 am
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Neshema
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Victoria, u are not alone. You are in the right place. There must be some aspects that you find desireable about him that keep you hooked. There are others that are really coming to the forefront that u realize are making u unhappy. some of us have been alone too much in life and don't want to face it again. I dont know if that is your situation. It makes us tolerate too much and settle for scraps out of fear of not finding something better, and it is sure hard to find that perfect man...or at least one whose faults that are acceptable...one who respects you and whom u respect deeply. I don't have the answer. I have not found it, but I do tend to "walk" when it crosses the line, before things get abusive....when I have just had enough, whether i have someone or not. You have to be resolved in your mind you are ready. Write notes of all his unacceptable characteristics vs what u want in a mate. focus on really disturbing things vs what u deserve. I have two rules in a relationship. 1. It is better to come home to a lonely but peaceful home than one that a dread, and 2. It is better to be alone than be with someone and feel more lonely than when I am actually am alone. When these two things come to the forefront, or there is downright emotional abuse or something that crosses the line, I focus on things, anything (even silly things like his fingernails) that are turn-offs. Then, I focus on big things like character. And when they make you doubt if YOU are good enough, you know his issues have become your issues. That is a very bad sign. It may sound silly coming from a professor, but I saw Paris hilton say on letterman, every woman should picture herslef with a tiara on her head at all times. You want to be with a man who sees u as his princess. IF he doesn't and he loses you, and he cannot realize what he lost, he truly did you a favor. I know it is hard. Hugs, Nesh

October 8, 2005
10:21 am
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victoriagirl
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September 24, 2010
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Thanks so much for your reply. The thing about him is that he is really gorgeous. I know that is shallow But that is what attracted me to him in the first place. I have never had such a good looking man but his character is that he knows he is beautifull tall dark handsome and works out. He always says to me he can have anybody women swam to him and even when we walk down the street women look and stare at him. I am not beautiful outside I am pretty but i am overweight and older than he is so I caretake and peopleplease him so he wont leave me. I have grown a lot in the last 2 years I wil be clean and sober in recovery on Oct 10 and I think he is jealous of my clean time and likes to keep me down. I want out but its hard to be alone. It is like you said being alone and peaceful and that is what i am hoping to get to. He has been there for me and helped me thru some bad times he is not all bad but he has so amny issues of his own I am not certain I can carry on. The last time he went back to the pipe 2 months ago I said I was thru. Then he got back into recoverya again but I havent slept with him since because I dont trust him and his sobriety. We are trying to be just friends but he still hooks me into his disfunction and then my old crazy thoughts come out. bad behaviours and insecurities. I begin to hate myself and I know I am worth more than his shit. I will try to stay positive and be happy on my own Im just not sure if im ready to fully let go yet and that bothers me.

vg

October 8, 2005
11:18 am
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CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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hi Victoria, just take things day by day..with each day focusing on yourself and less on thinking or being with him.

He may seem like he can win you over and get what he wants..only if you keep taking him back. You even said you are worthy, now is the time to prove it.

Taking things at a slow pace does good, you won't get overwhelmed with the "what will happen" or the unknown.

Keep coming back and posting...you are not alone!!!

((Camer)))

October 8, 2005
12:56 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Vicotria,

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. It must be so scary. Do not worry you are not alone in your search for a good soulmate who loves you and deserves every moment of your life. Do not settle for less than that!

There are so many books that can help you in your journey for healing and recovery. Books such as "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie and "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood are great read and aid for you right now.

In addition, you mentioned something about sobriety, if you are alcoholic or drug addict, I highly recommend you to take advantage of any Al Anon or AA meetings, they are free!

There are also Coda meetings, by just logging on coda.org you will have listings of their meetings, they even have online meetings.

Another vital factor is to develop your spirituality. This will help you a lot with detaching from your friend, standing up for yourself and keep persevering. Detachment is not an easy step and you need your Higher Power to be on your side.

Good luck and hang in there!

~Love, Ras~

October 8, 2005
1:34 pm
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victoriagirl
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Raz,
Thanks for your support all of you guys.
I am in recovery and get 2yrs clean in 2 days. I go to meetings and have a sponser and this guy and me were together in our addiction. He was the one who turned me on to meetings in the first place. He even admits he is a master manipulator and that he can out wit me . Why is there a competiton. All Ive wanted was his love. I do read Melody and Dyer too and find a lot of peace in that. I just want to detach for good from him but keep getting hooked I dont know why. I pray for the willingness to let go and the strength to carry it thru I just thought we had something more. He cant seem to get farther in recovery than 5 months so is he really willing to go all the way. He says he loves me but he is not (in love with me). Whats that hey. Im am just going to try and enjoy this day as much as i can. thank you so much for all your support it is a one day at a time thing for me and i will keep praying to let go even more than i already have why does everything i need to let go of have claw mark all over it

I need to give up
thanks

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