Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
VERY frustrated.....snowlover
December 29, 2005
5:46 am
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks widbey and bonita....

The Doctor prescribed Zoloft (Ive taken it before several years back going thru some fertility/miscarriage issues with my ex husband) and Ambien to sleep. Took my first Ambien last night. I slept the entire night thru, and had NO nightmares. Never woke up once. Thank goodness. The insomnia and the horrible nightmares I have been having when i finally WOULD fall alseep have been really awful.

I made it thru the entire day yesterday NOT contacting him. Didnt ask for the key, though I really want it back I followed my therapsists advice and let it go "just for now". She told me to slow down a little with cutting all the ties. The ties we have are the same ties a married couple would have, and she thinks its just too much for me to do all of that in one fast swoop.

She gave me some other advice as well. Since I have a VERY hard time not answering the phone when he calls me, she asked me to think about something. What would happen if I didnt answer just ONE call? I said he would just keep calling and calling and calling. She said try not answering the first call, if he leaves a message, then try waiting an hour to call him back. The point isnt to piss him off and make him come after me more she said, the point is to not be so available for his little tantrums and guilt trips.

She also told me to stop answering all of his questions. he grills me on everything. What Ive been doing, who ive been talking, am i dating anyone, do i want to date anyone, do I miss him, dont I want to sleep with him, etc. She said instead simply ask him "why do you need to know this about me?", and let him answer THAT question. Im going to try that.

She said something to me yesterday she has never said before. I was sobbing, admitting to the loss of control I feel over my own emotions where she is concerned. How far in my head he is, and how much i hate it. She said he is a very sick man. NO one ever said that to me before. She said from her experience she doesnt see him ever truly letting me go, that Im going to have to do all the work to break free from him.

She also thinks I need to move away from him as soon as i can. Im sooooo accessible to him right now and he uses that to his advantage. Im on a lease until April, but if it gets worse I may ask to break my lease. I work 45 minutes from where I live anyway, so moving closer to my work would be better in a lot of ways. It wouldnt be so easy for me to do my "drive bys" to see if the ex wife is there, and that right there would be good for me I think.

Taking her advice again today, trying to get thru this hour by hour, moment by moment.

Snow

December 29, 2005
7:48 am
Avatar
whidbey
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I already like your therapist, a LOT! It sounds like she has some very good insight and good plans. Honestly, I think the moving is a good idea. Take things at your own pace, however, as any type of relocation, be it good or "necessary" is a big life change. Try not to overwhelm yourself. You'll know when you are ready. Hey, and there is much to be said, with the price of gas, for a shorter commute, not to mention your peace of mind... 🙂 My ex has only contacted me twice in the past two months since I broke it off with him, but I do have the advantage of distance (1228 miles) and own my own home (can we say independance and the fact I don't need to rely upon him for anything? Huge disadvantage for him). Plus, I know he's been through this sooooo many times in the past, he's smart enough to know when someone can't be "had" any longer.

And I also totally agree with your therapist about not answering the "third degree" questions. Having gone to someone else in his life, it is no longer his place to ask (demand?) any of those answers from you.

You are doing great, Snow. You are starting to think outside that box you've been in for the past couple of years. The more you make decisions based on your own well being, the better it's going to feel. Yes, there will still be some pain to deal with, but it will not last forever.

You go, girl!

December 29, 2005
9:15 am
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your landlord can re-key your lock for about $30-35. Your ex's key won't work while your landlord's master will (and be consistent with his other locks) as will your "new" keys. You should offer to pay the landlord for this. Your old boyfriend is trying to hedge his bets as well as continuing to exercise a level of control. I have done so myself with an ex gf's keys. Stupid as it seems. My tips are to disengage from him, change the keying of your lock, stop getting his mail and get the post office to forward it to him or else get another box for yourself and get your mail redirected. Better be prepared to deal with your responses to him "coming back" when the idea of his ex having a baby from another man sinks in. I also think you should consider moving away from the memories and moving in a location more convenient to your work. Regards. Notsure.

December 29, 2005
9:23 am
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

NOtsure......excellent points you brought up. Im working today on getting his name off of my checking account, as that seems the priority right now. Im meeting with my landlord Saturday afternoon about rekeying my house hopefully. I agree, hes hanging on to anything at this point to stop me from breaking the ties we share.

Ive thought a lot about the situation with his pregnant ex wife. She is pregnant with a married mans baby. That mans wife is hanging on tightly to him right now. The baby is due in March, and I know theres a good chance things will change dramatically when that child becomes a reality. That man has no children of his own, Im sure this will be very powerful for all involved. I know deep down that he has been trying to keep me on the "back-burner" for when things blow up with his own situation. hes done that to me most of our 20 years. I think thats why I know I have to break all ties now, before March, and regain some personal strength to seperate my life from his.

Its like.....he doesnt want me full time right now, but he wont let go completely either. I know people treat us the way we allow them to, or the way we teach them will be acceptable to us. Ive allowed this to continue for far too long. I have said hundreds of times I cant take it, i want more, etc. I pull away for a few days, but then allow him back in my life. This is the longest Ive ever went pulling away, and its only been 2 weeks, with this past week the most distance Ive ever reached.

I also know I HAVE to move. I have to be out of arms reach for him, or this will continue for another 20 years if i dont make major changes in myself.

Thank you so much for your input.

Snow

December 29, 2005
1:19 pm
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am afraid it is like quitting smoking you know it is bad for you and expensive so you quit and miss it. Sometimes you start up again other times you "try" one to test your will power when you are with your friends and before you know it you are full time smoking again. The problem is will power or lack of it versus addiction. You have a narroiw window of about 3 months to re-invent your life and essentially start over. It will not be easy. Usually takes (as a general rule of thumk) 6 months to get over a relationship plus about a month for every year that it lasted. Sometimes longer. THus I didn't panic (though I hurt lots) when my ex-wife and I split after 17 years and I still wasn't better after 18 months. This man will try and come back the odds are there and more so when married man wants to access his child and he sees his ex as the mother of another man's child. This is particularily obvious as he is exhibiting control behaviours over your keys now. Just be prepared on how you are going to deal with this when he wakes up and realizes that the reality of the situation is warped. The question really is do you want him (in whole or in part) in your life and more than likely in much the same manner that it has been the last 20 years. Yes or no? Then do all that is necessary to support your answer. Good luck. Regards. Notsure.

December 29, 2005
4:53 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

snow,

Wow! That therapist is very good. She does have very wonderful advice. I can see you doing this one baby step at a time and you will one day liberate yourself from that prison you find yourself in right now.

I know what it feels like to see that cage door cracking open. You can see that light shining through the cracks. I'm so glad for you!!

~~bonita 🙂

December 29, 2005
7:36 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Bonita....I think shes pretty wonderful too. She calms me down, helps me look at the big picture in little baby pieces, instead of the whole thing all at once.

I did some small things today. I changed the address on our joint checking account. I cant take his name off it, he has to sign the papers. I emailed him about it, and he didnt respond of course. Hes avoiding anything to do with seperation issues right now. But now that the address is changed on the account I can change my mailing address, which Im doing in the morning. No more shared PO Box. Its not much, but its a start.

Think Im going thru "him" withdrawls again today. Feeling very tense and frustrated. I havent heard from him since Tuesday night, so now I spend all this time wondering what hes up to. The avoiding thing isnt working for me. We need to resolve some of these issues that bind us, and the more he ignores it, the tenser I get. Im sure he knows that, and of course is the exact reason hes doing it.

December 29, 2005
7:46 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Notsure....thats the bottom line, isnt it? Do i want him in my life still. I realize hes like an addiction for me, and has been for many, many years. he knows this too, he tells me all the time he knows he "owns" me. That no man will ever be able to take his place no matter what i do or say.

All I know for sure is that I do not in any way want things the way they have been as of late. And..i dont trust him anymore. The lying about his ex wife is HUGE for me, and the emotional abuse has wore me down.

His confidence scares me to be very honest. Im sure his ego swelled greatly when he was able to get me to walk out on my own marriage and my entire life and move across the country for HIM. But once he had me back again, he grew bored with me rather quickly. And I know it doesnt matter much to him that Im saying Im done for good this time. Ive said it before, and he always gets me back. I swear he has ESP where Im concerned, and knows exactly the moment hes played the game too long and comes back to "patch things up", without ever admitting hes done anything wrong. Its the opposite, its my fault for whatever he did. My actions caused him to react the way he did.

I have to change my way of thinking, and God is this harder than I ever thought it would be. My head is so tangle in this mess that half the time I dont know which end is up, and what reality is. I wouldnt wish this on anyone.

Snow

December 30, 2005
7:26 am
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Snow,

So sorry you are going through this. But, may I ask you if this time around you are doing things differently in trying to break free?

I remember Oprah once saying, "Doing the same things will get you the same result." I was just wondering if this time you were taking different actions in getting free?

Just having the support from your wonderful therapist is (in my opinion) a huge step in the right direction.

December 30, 2005
9:25 am
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bonita......I think so, but Im not being 100% successful. he came over last night, to bring me my key was his reason, and things sure didnt seem over. He was at my house for a couple hours, we had sex, talked, argued, and he left. Then we spoke on the phone for 4 hours.

I dont know how to put this and make it clear. Ive known this man for 20 years. For the first time in those 20 years I see just exactly how disturbed he is.He is so unwell its almost frightening to me. The horrible head games he was trying to play with me were unbelievable. He spent the entire time both at my house and on the phone INSISTING that i control him and all of his actions, and everything is my fault. If I asked a question I was trying to control him. If I asked what he needed from me to make this work I was trying to control him. If I tried to set boundaries and limits on what i would accept I was trying to control him. Im a nag, Im mean to him, Im never happy, Im never satisfied, Im a bitch and so much more.

he took NO responsibility for any of his actions. Said things will not be changing, I need to just accept it as it is and stop bitching, said Im over-dramatic, see things that arent there, am mentally unstable, and a time bomb ready to go off.

He then told me hates women, they are good for only one thing, its too bad I cant be quiet, because Im better at that one thing then anyone, but my demands make it not worth his time most days. Then within 30 seconds is asking me to come over and spend the night with him, what am i doing this weekend, isnt sex with him the best ive ever had, no man will ever make me feel as good as he does, no matter how much therapy I go to hes in my head for good and he and i both know it.

Im numb today. hes sick, hes really sick.

December 30, 2005
1:21 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Snow,

I am sorry you are in this position.

I know how hard it is.

As for the joint checking account.

You can withdraw all the money, except for say $10.00 - leave it open with both your names on it - or withdraw what is rightfully yours if you don't feel right taking it all out.

Then open a new one in just your name - and take YOUR name off the old account - you don't need his signature for that.

I had a similar situation with my ex - and I ended up zeroing out the account and letting it go dormant until they closed it - but be careful of that since alot of banks charge fees if they go dormant. Taking YOUR name off is the one way to protect yourself.

Seems the bank people would be smart enough to tell you this - but sometimes they don't think.

Best of luck.
Ali

December 30, 2005
1:35 pm
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Ali..they did tell me that actually. The problem is...I work 60-75 hours a week, so i LIVE on my Visa/Debit card. I cant ever get to the bank during business hours. if I close the account and open a new one I wont have a new card for 2-4 weeks. I cant go that long.

I think what I might do is open a single account, start getting my payroll directed to that one, leave a little cash in the joint to live off of until I have a new Visa card for the new account, and then close the joint one.

Seems like so many extra steps, but its better than waiting for him to do anything. hes so ticked off about changing my address that I dont see him doing anything to help with the split right away.

Thanks so much for you advice. Helps to hear from others who have been thru this.

Snow

December 30, 2005
2:28 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

or shop around - I had a bank once that issues my debit card THAT day at the branch - they swiped it to validate it and I was on my way.

Otherwise, just take enough cash out of the account and use that instead of the visa card - it's no different than carrying cash with you. And open the new account with the payroll check.

December 31, 2005
7:23 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just saying hello, today hoping you are having a great day.

January 2, 2006
10:47 am
Avatar
snowlover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Bonita....Im feeling stronger the last couple days for some reason. Its been 3 days since weve had any contact, Ive got my keys back, and I really think I can NOT answer when he calls me next time. I keep finding out more and more crap he has lied to me about, and its making me soooooo angry at him.

I just dont have anything to say to him anymore. Its all been said before. Hes never going to change, and I just want it over with.

Snow

January 2, 2006
11:29 am
Avatar
whidbey
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You go, girlfriend! Keep that strength! HANG ON TO IT! It is what will carry you through this (along with us who have been there and come out the other side 🙂 ).

January 3, 2006
1:15 am
Avatar
Lass
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Boy, I almost read this whole long thread.

Key: Change the locks. The landlord will have his locks put back on when you leave. Takes five minutes. Don't tell anyone, not ex, not landlord, just do it.

Put dowel rods in the window panes, too.

I would freak if I knew a landlord could come in in my absence. Or with me there. I think that without permission it is even illegal. He sure can't hurt you back for doing it after expressing your concern and his turning a deaf ear. You take care of you. Don't ever let him be in control of anything that matters to you if you can possibly help it.

LL

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
55 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 110813

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38534

Posts: 714189

Newest Members:

BellaDazy, hecnbrDazy, uhtwbzDazy, rosalynve4, agrippichDazy, climbexpert

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer