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VERY frustrated.....snowlover
December 27, 2005
3:26 pm
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snowlover
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Im not throwing his things out. if I do, he will then come after the van. We are JOINTLY on the van. In indiana its equal, doesnt matter whos name is first. I run a car lot, trust me, I know the laws in this area.

As fot the key...Im going to give him the opportunity to call tonight like he said he would "try" to do. I just want the key, nothing more, nothing less.

yes....this is hard. i didnt know this was falling apart. i didnt know he was dumping me to go back to that woman. I walked out on my entire life to be with him, and I did it for nothing. Its very hard to accept.

December 27, 2005
3:32 pm
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whidbey
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Good points, Bonita1. I guess I'm just so gungho for Snow to heave this guy out of her life. I see nothing but heartache for her. I realize I've come across a bit strong. I guess I just get matter-of-fact once I've made up MY mind about something and go full steam ahead, once I've thought out all angles. Everyone is different and needs to do things their own way.

Yes, agreed the key can very easily become a "tool" for both sides, really. I left a brand-new jean jacket (wasn't cheap) down in CA. I've asked to have it sent back, but so far haven't received it, and I doubt I ever will. I'll just have to write it off as one more loss for this year rather than call him about it again. I won't play the game.

I assumed Snow had talked to the landlord already, with him talking about the master key, etc., and that he wouldn't accommodate her wishes.

Snow, keep us posted on your progress and how the phone conversation goes... 🙂

December 27, 2005
3:33 pm
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snowlover
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I think he wants to keep it. he likes being able to "keep and eye on me" as he calls it. What he likes is knowing my business, making sure Im not replacing him with someone else. Which seems so unfair since i cant even ask what he ate for dinner anymore.

I sent him an email earlier explaining the things we need to settle, and that im done. I wonder if I should have. he hasnt responded, which is FINE, but now Im questioning my wording, if I sounded too wimpy. maybe i should have let you all read it first and decide.

December 27, 2005
3:35 pm
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Oh, snow. People have left a lot more behind for a lot less. Does that make sense? Love knows no giving boundaries, so we all thought.

Be gentle with yourself. And YES. YES. YES: You are GIVING him the opportunity to call tonight. I would have told him I would be home between this time and this time. In any case, you are ALLOWING him to call you.--2b

December 27, 2005
3:47 pm
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bonita1
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ok snow but the paper trail can be your plan B.

December 27, 2005
3:52 pm
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snowlover
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I like the idea of a paper trail. I just want my key, and theres a reason for that. he has this habit of coming over in the middle of the night and sneaking into bed with when Im mad. Unfortunately (funny to say that now) we have a very good sex life, and I swear to God he uses that to control me sometimes. he thinks sex cures everything. i want that to stop. If he has my key he comes and goes as he pleases. I called my landlord a little while ago. he said if I want the place rekeyed its going to cost me a little cash, hes finding out how much. hes really nice, he just thinks Im over reacting. Of course he knows my BF, everyone does. He thinks Im giving him a hard time and should just give it some time. Gotta love small towns.

I know i should have set ground rules on "when" he could call. But then he would just accuse me again of trying to control him, and I get soooo sick of hearing that crap all the time.

December 27, 2005
4:08 pm
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HOOVERING: Named after the vacuum to explain how our abusers try to suck us back into the relationship.

"You ask what were the ways he tried to suck me back in? How much bandwith does this board have LOL?" This is gonna take a long time. Now, do you want them in chronological or alphabetical order, broken down and catagorized by silly excuses, occassionally impressive excuses, annoying, transparent, threatening, vicious, sneeky, needy, or desperate, and so on? There's a lot of ways he used to try to get me to pay attention to him

"He begged to come back but I realized it was just so he could be the one to leave."

"My Xg/f called 911. She said she wanted to make sure I was safe."

I really love you and I've changed."

"He contacted me leaving extremely sad messages in his drunken stupor, telling me his mother died."

"Sex was always involved. Sex was his solution to solve all problems."

"I am the only one who really loved you.

I can't stop thinking about you.....I realize how bad I screwed up and how much I had that I took for granted.....we HAVE to talk..... yeah right!
I found out rudy (his dog) has cancer...." "I will pay you to get my stuff ready for tax time..." "I'll just have to kill myself and my dogs if you dont come back..."the dogs miss you terribly..." "I didnt mean it and I swear I'll never do it/lie again ever..." "but your the only one ive ever even considered marrying" " i didnt mean to sleep with them, it just happened, it didnt mean anything, I didnt think it would hurt you, we were just friends"

"It was the sex with her. That was the magnet that kept drawing me back."

"He would contact me several times a week pphone, email to say, " I have apologized so many times to you, and you are a hard hearted b**** and won't even listen. I am through apologizing and never want to see you again! Do not contact me again."

"He was always asking some medical question he thought I could help him with."
A death in the family
A car crash/death of someone I never knew
I left something at your house and need it now
"I got that job."

"It was some document or something he couldn't remember."

"I only meant to point out in my post what my ex had said to pull me back into the relationship, and how for me it worked for so long. it was a truely disfunctional relationship but i did not see it at the time......thats why as truely hard as it was.......the no contact rule is the only thing that got me out of it.

"This reconciliation between the N and myself was short-lived. His true colours emerged, once again. But being able to document my every-day experience with him helped me to make the final decision to move on.

"I'm learning to take things one day at a time. If I N-dip, I just get back up, dust myself off and try again."

"I wanted to talk to ex-N so much today. Yet the desire to N-dip made me very anxious. It's as though my need for him, for someone so very bad for me, is finally becoming ego-dystonic. The urge to be with him creates strong inner dissonance because I know if I contact him it's emotional suicide. Still, I am in so much pain. I can hardly work. My job seems overwhelming."

"People on the site call it 'N-Dipping'. It is like fighting an addiction. So, if you are tempted to slide, it's entirely understandable. At one time you felt great love and passion for this man, and there is some part of you that WISHES he wasn't what you know him to be, WISHES it wasn't all true, that it didn't happen the way it did, and that you could GET BACK that guy you thought he was. I was always tempted to think maybe this is some sort of aberration, something going on in his life, stress, mental illness, and that the OTHER GUY, the one I fell in love with was the REAL HIM. I hated having to finally face the fact that I fell in love with a Jekyll and Hyde facade. It absolutely sucks."

"N-dipping is not sinful it just doesn't go anywhere… except as NS. It is also very painful to let go of all the hopes and dreams."

"They just don't change and the games become more cruel. The devaluation becomes worse and more painful every time we go back. That's why I think some people think

http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri

December 27, 2005
4:08 pm
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bonita1
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oh your landlord sounds like a peach!!! Is he taken? If not, snow, make a move on him!!! lol

If you are home when he calls, just stick to the issue of the key. Do not get suckered into any discussions on anything else. Keep bringing the key issue back to the fore-front. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM you are getting the place re-keyed.

Truthfully, who or what will stop him from having a copy made and then returning the key?? For your own peace of mind, just have the place re-keyed.

Wouldn't you just die to see the look on his face when he tries to use his key and he cannot??? Especially when he wants his booty call??

December 27, 2005
4:23 pm
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bonita1
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Snow,

If you are really fed up with this guy and he did not give you a time when he will call you because he assumes you have no life outside of him, then do not sit by the phone waiting on him.

If you are home you may or may not pick up the phone. If he gave you a time he would call, then wait a half hour after the time he said. If he doesn't call you by then, then make other plans.But don't pick up the phone, switch it off and go out with a friend.

Its appropriate to remind him that you aren't under his thumb and that you are moving on without him.

December 27, 2005
4:25 pm
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snowlover
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You did it again Garfield. Thats exactly how I feel. Like hes a drug Im addicted to. I dont know how to stay away. I wish I had a room mate, ro someone who could stay with me for a few days. It would be so much easier to have someone there with me when he starts all this crap.

Im hoping I can get in to see my counselor tomorrow. I think its time to maybe think about some anti-depressants. Ive been putting that off for a while now. I also need something for sleep. This stress is keeping me up every night, and the nightmares are getting to me.

Bonita.,....I like the idea of NOT telling him about re-keying the place. I didnt even think about him making another key. He could be doing that right now and I would never know. Im going to have to do it. Im tired of being his booty call.

December 27, 2005
4:29 pm
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garfield9547
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I will catch up later. I am in a totally different time zone than you.

All my love

Garfield

December 27, 2005
4:33 pm
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whidbey
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Snow,
Not sure if you even want to hear from me right now (I was too forceful, sorry...), but the lack of sleep was killing me too. I really didn't want to have to go back on anti-d's, if I didn't absolutely have to (though, wouldn't hesitate if I thought I was really sliding down, and it was touch-and-go for a while). Anyhow, my doc prescribed Lunesta for me, and it works like a, well, dream... I have found now that I am getting better sleep, I'm much stronger emotionally and am better able to handle the "addiction." Boy howdy, do I know about that. It's been over a week since I've gone to his web site now nor go to VH1 classic channel "hoping" to catch a video of his group. Also, Tension Tamer tea has worked wonders for me during the day. And yes, love, love, love the idea of not telling him about the re-keying... Please hang in there. You will get through this. 🙂

December 27, 2005
4:41 pm
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snowlover
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Whidbey..you werent too forceful, Im not upset with you at all. Im just not as strong as you are, not yet anyway. This is still an open wound. I just found out for sure Friday morning he was cheating on me with her, and I always said that was my bottom line. he KNEW it. I think Im still in shock, and very, very sad. I walked away from a very good husband and my entire world 2 years ago to give this man yet another chance. I feel stupid and naive these days.

Im trying to stay tough, but its been easy up to this point. i havent had to see him or talk to him. Okay, it hasnt been easy, its been hell, but I know its going to get tougher, which means I have to get tougher. Im not too good at that. I dont like to upset people if I can avoid it.

I appreciate all your support today, I really mean that.

Snow

December 27, 2005
4:50 pm
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whidbey
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Yikes, I didn't realize it was so recent, having just joined this board yesterday. I'm so sorry. Yeah, memories of last September for me when I realized, after all the care I was giving to this guy after his injuries, literally running my hiney off (lost 11 lbs in that six weeks) for him, only to find he was still carrying on an intimate conversation with French woman and keeping e-mails that looked interesting because, as he put it, "he was curious." Um, okay. You feel like you've been kicked in the gut, don't you? I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Yes, you definitely have some rough days ahead. We're here for you. I wish I had found this web site a lot sooner than I did.

December 28, 2005
6:08 am
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whidbey
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Well, Snow, how did it go, and how did you do? Up in the middle of the night (ain't menopause great ladies? lol) wondering about you....

December 28, 2005
8:05 am
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snowlover
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Hes such a gamer player. First he called me when he KNEW I would still be at work and asked where I was....too obvious. Said i was still at work, so he was like "so I cant go to your house and do the "key thing" right now?". I said absolutely not, I needed to return his key as well. Asked him if he needed anything else, he said no, and I hung up on him. Felt pretty good actually.

While I was driving home from work (takes me an hour to get home) he called 3 times with some lame excuse about needing his tax returns from last year, which I have at my house. We have a tax business together, and all the records are at my home. Told him when I got home I would look for them and call him back. Found them, called him, gave him the info he needed. He kept me on the phone for at least 20 minutes as he mumbled to himself, doing figures out loud, whatever he was doing. I asked NO questions, started no conversations. When he said he had everything he needed I said goodbye and hung up again.

No, I dont have my key yet. Im not emailing him again today to ask for it. Ive made my request, hes stalling for whatever reason, and is now trying to play the same game he always plays with me when Im pissed off. he finds stupid things to talk to me about, trying to calm the waters, and hopes I will just drop whatever it was that pissed me off. Its not happening this time.

Everytime I feel myself weak or confused I try to close my eyes and see him in bed with that witch of an ex wife of his. In the bedroom I just remodeled for US 2 months ago, burning the candles I bought him, her head on the pillows I bought. makes me want to vomit.

Im going to try to get an emergency appt with my therapist this morning. I have to find strong, positive ways to NOT get sucked in again. I have to stop loving him, I have to for my own sanity.

A wierd thing. I havent slept in days, the stress of all of this had gotten to me. Last night I slept great. I KNOW its because there was contact. Its like hes this drug, and I got a little fix yesterday. I HATE THAT!!!! I dont want that to make me feel better, and thats where I need help. He needs to make me feel worse, all the time, everyday, so that when I DO hear from him, it repulses me and makes me feel worse. Thats the part I need professional help with.

December 28, 2005
8:21 am
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Anonymous
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Snowlover,

I wasn't able to be on the internet much at all yesterday, and I see this thread has mushroomed enormously. My, you have a lot of friends on this site! I haven't read this thread in great depth, but this line caught my eye:

"I walked away from a very good husband and my entire world 2 years ago to give this man yet another chance. I feel stupid and naive these days."

I am so sorry to hear that the sacrifice, especially such an enormous one as this must have been, you made on behalf of this man did not pan out for you. I admire your ability to make such a sacrifice -- it took more courage than I could have mustered up.

December 28, 2005
8:47 am
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snowlover
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Seeker...yes, I am pretty lucky to have so many wonderful people so willing to listen to me, offer help and insight and sometimes just let me cry when I need to. They say there are angels walking among us, and they come to us at our darkest hour, and I do believe that is true.

it was VERY hard for me to do what i did. I gave up everything. My home, my career, my husband who adored me, my family, my friends, 2 of my dogs, and almost every posession I have ever owned. My ex husband is now remarried and living in our old house with his new wife. Hes happy though, so Im happy for him.

We all make our own choices in life...I made mine. Wrong or right, I have to live with the consequences.

December 28, 2005
9:20 am
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i got this
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hi snow......

i hope things are better for you today i have thought about u offted my heart goes out to you.

i know it will take time for the healing and recoverty, however please don't give up!!!!!!

i think that this could be his way of holding on and dragging out this process, i incourage u to be strong, i will pray for god to gard your heart, to strenghten you and garison angles around you to minister confort and healing to you.

i know that this may be the exspensive way to go but can you have the locks changed??? at this point i think any amount of money would be well worth getting this person out of your life forever....do not trust him, my first thought was even if he gives the key back u never now if he had a copy made????? please protect yourself one thing that i have learned is stay a step a head of him........

my theripist has been wonderful at helping me with this, she tells me what to exspect next, and she has been wright on every time, i was so over whelmed that i wasn't perpared for what he did next, she helped me to change that now i feel i am a little prepared.

we are here to suport u in every way.god bless you and have a great day.........................hope to hear from u soon..........

((((((((((((love and hugs)))))))))))

December 28, 2005
9:22 am
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snowlover
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I got an emergency appt with her in 30 minutes, Im VERY happy Im going to see her.

Will post more after I speak to her.

December 28, 2005
9:28 am
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Hi Snowlover, Im sorry you are so frustrated with your life right now. It will iron out. I hear you say you gave up everything for this man and you got nothing. I am sure you felt like you were doing the right thing for yourself at the time. I don't believe it was all for nothing but you have learned a very important lesson. It might not seem like it right now, but down the road, you will learn something really good from all this, to stand up for yourself, which is what you are doing now. For whatever reason, he is doing what he needs to do whether or not in your eyes it was what you wanted. I hear when you say that you feel good or slept better because of the draw. But keep in mind like you are realizing now that with that draw also comes more hurt. That is the part to remember. Eventually you will sleep better and it will have nothing to do with having him in your mind. Give this time. You deserve better. Tying up loose ends as hard as it is, really in the long run is best for you. You are clearing the path for a better life.

December 28, 2005
9:57 am
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whidbey
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You did great, Snow! I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you really did, and I'm so glad you'll be able to see your therapist this a.m. He/she will give you much affirmation in your actions. Hey, if the landlord won't change locks, you can always get one of those door thingies that you prop under the knob so the door can't be opened from the outside. There are ways, my dear, there are ways.

Ugh, that sleep pattern. It's so true. It really is like a drug, with or without the calls/contact. Soon, you'll find that on the days he does NOT contact you, you will sleep better. That's how it worked for me. Please keep us posted... 🙂 Hugs.

December 28, 2005
12:05 pm
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Good appt with my therapist. I have another appt with a Doctor this afternoon to get something to help me sleep, and I think some anti-depressants. I hate to admit it, but I need it right now.

Shes looking for books for me on breaking a relationship with a narcassist. I broke down in her office, and admitted I feel like he has total control over me right now. Shes encouraging me to keep taking the little steps I am to break free from him. I know his games will conttinue, but I just pray for the strength to keep doing what im doing.

havent heard from him today yet, and better yet, I havent tried to contact him either. Normal reaction for me would be too find all sorts of reasons to email him. id use the key as my reason. Im not doing it, not right now. I know at this moment Im too weak to play the game, so Im staying away.

My therapist told me to count moments minute by minute, not day by day. Day by day is too much for me right now. She said if I go an hour without contacting him, be proud of that, and then try for another hour. That seems like it might work for me.

Thank you all for everything. I know this is the bad part....ridding him from my life. it has to start to get better soon...right?

December 28, 2005
12:19 pm
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whidbey
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Oh Snow, it sounds like you are doing all the right things for yourself. Especially the minute by minute, hour by hour. It will take time for things to get better; there will be one step forward, two steps back, etc., but you will get through this. I promise. As for the grief, just let yourself go through it. I did. I cried for two weeks straight, every night. It hurt like heck at the time, but it was very cleansing and a great release. I can't wait for you to get started on that reading material. In addition, try and MAKE yourself get out and do some sort of exercise or physical release every day. Find a nice walking path and set a time, daily, to go. And there will be times when you just don't want to, but do try and make yourself. Set up times to eat properly; that is so important to your physical being, which will ultimately affect your mental well being. I'm sure, at this point, everything probably sticks in your throat, but just have small meals/snacks all through the day. I'm glad you're going to see the doc this afternoon. Sleep is so very, very important. Hang in there. We are all here for you. Hugs.

December 28, 2005
10:39 pm
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snow,
there is no shame in taking antidepressants. Would you be ashamed of taking insulin if you were a diabetic?? Would you be ashamed to use your inhaler if you had asthma?

Meds are used for a reason. Thank God they are available to us that need them. I have been taking zoloft since 2001. Why? Because I need it to function properly. There is no shame in that.

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