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VERY frustrated.....snowlover
December 27, 2005
9:11 am
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snowlover
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Most of you know the crap Ive been going thru with my BF. I have a situation this morning, and need some input.

He has a key to my house, and I have one to his. He came to my house Saturday while i was at work and got some mail of his. I had a HUGE problem with this. We are having major issues, he had NO right to come in my house ininvited. Im not PERMITTED to go to his home without asking permission first. Weve had the agreement that neither would go in the others home without permission since all this fighting started a couple months ago.

I called him Saturday and left a voice mail saying I wanted my key back, he could have his as well, i dont trust him anymore, and my life is no longer his business. No response. Its been 3 days.

I emailed him at work this morning and asked if we would please make arrangements to exchange keys asap. His first response was "whenever". I bit my tongue and replied that "whenever" is very open ended. Simply pick a time and place and I would accomodate him, though I prefered to NOT go to his house. (Hes been screwing around with his ex wife there, I am NOT going to that house again!! i didnt say that in the email)
He then responds back with "I will try to call you tonight. Is there anything else you need to control"

WHAT??? How was any of that controlling? I have stupidly told him about counseling, codependency, control issues, etc. he LOVES to use that crap against me.

Am I being controlling by wanting MY key back? I tried to be accomodating, not demanding in any way. And why on earth does this require a phone call from him?? I responded back simply "excuse me?", and have gotten no response.

Please tell me this isnt a game with him. Why is he making this soooo difficult? he is very narcissistic, so is this a control game of HIS to try to suck me back in?

December 27, 2005
9:30 am
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prettyinpink
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Snow,

IMHO, yes, it's control. I don't know if he's trying to suck you back in, but it's control! "Who are you to tell him to return the key" is is in MHO what he is saying. I'm assuming here that he has control issues. My goodness, he's with his exW? What would I do? Change the locks! but tell him first. Let him know that you want your key back by 'such and such a time' (say, by 8pm tonight, for example), & that your next step is to change the locks. If mail comes, he can pick it up when it's convenient to YOU, or you can leave it in a basket on the porch or in the mailbox (whatever YOU are comfortable with). You have to ask yourself, 'do you want him to just let himself into YOUR home?' If the answer to this is NO, then you will know exactly what to do. Just a suggestion. I know it's easier said than done, but at least if you warn him, he has a choice here. I'm here for you, Snow. Pink

December 27, 2005
9:46 am
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Snow I don't know all the details of your breakup but it sounds like you are not ready to cut all ties. You could simply change your locks and have his mail forwarded to him. I learned the hard way that communicating with your ex will make you anxious and miserable. Waiting for a response may cause you anxiety and once again putting him in control.

December 27, 2005
10:18 am
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KatDec2005
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Snow I say change the locks. Give him one chance to exchange the keys then lock him out for good.

You don't need this hassle. Neither do you need to allow him entry into your life which is what he has at the moment. Do what you feel is best for you and don't let him make you feel down about it.

December 27, 2005
10:28 am
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snowlover
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I cant change the locks. I rent my house, and my landlord doesnt want to change them. Apparantly all his rental are keyed together somehow, meaning he has one master key for all his rental houses.

As for the mail, we share a PO Box, even though we live in different houses now. There is no mail delivery in my town (VERY small), and we share vehicles, bank accounts, cell phones, etc, so we have a lot of joint mail we get. I cen get a seperare PO Box, but only after I get his name off all of this other crap, which requires his signature. Tried that once before, we ended up trying to work things out.

I just dont understand why this is a battle with him. he obviously wants his ex wife, hes sleeping with her again. Why not just let me go? Im not pressuring him to stay with me, Im doing the opposite. Im TRYING to cut ties and break free. he always does this crap to me. treats me like crap till i cant take it anymore, i try to end things, and we end up staying together. This is the worst its been though. Sleeping with his pregnant ex wife was my bottom line, and he KNOWS that. Seems to me like this was all intentional to be rid of me. So...if thats the case...why not let me go??

December 27, 2005
10:39 am
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KatDec2005
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Anychance you can explain the situation to your landlord and just say that you really need to feel safe and you don't at the moment?

You don't have to give him details about your relationship but you can hint slightly that he's blatantly breaking into your house!

Whose paying the rent? YOU ARE! Which means you're the one in control, don't let him control you.

December 27, 2005
10:49 am
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Dear Snowlover:

Perhaps the following could explain your BF's behavior from the book "Men Who Can't Love" (on commitmentphobes):

Here's why he won't return your stuff. You know the old saying, "It's not really over until it's over"? Well, in his twisted, convoluted way of thinking, your belongings are his lifeline to you. He knows it, and he knows you know it. He's cast you adrift, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he wants you to land on a foreign shore. Truth told, he would like it if you waited for him. Wait for what? He has no idea. Maybe a bolt of lightening will strike him someday, and he will change his mind. If it does, he has an excuse to get hold of you again."

I am sorry that you are dealing with such a complicated situation. I know that you will feel relief when you are able to untangle your lives.

I had trouble getting things back from my exbf and it made me anxious and actually frightened me knowing that he could enter my home without my permission.

Wishing you well.

Moon & Stars

December 27, 2005
11:12 am
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prettyinpink
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Snow,
OK, I have another idea. I understand you are saying that the 'locks' are somehow all connected, as the landlord said, but your 'safety' is YOUR business. How about if you have a 'bolt lock' put on the inside of your door. You don't need your landlord's permission for that. Some things you just have to DO for your own sake. Why should your BF have access to your home, and you not to his....and, I repeat, he's with his exW, that says alot! I would be so torn up inside, which I'm sure you are, snow. He's created a boundary for himself, making sure that you won't go over to his place (his exW), so now you need to create a boundary. He may have the key, but if you have a bolt lock, at least when you are home, he won't be able to get in. Let me know what you think. Pink

December 27, 2005
11:49 am
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Im not worried about him coming over when Im home, its when Im NOT home that bugs me. He has this need to know every little detail of my life. I have to hide my journal, clear off my caller id, anything that feeds this need of his. he cant stand not knowing EVERYTHING about me, but tells me nothing anymore.

I DO have access to his house. I have his key as well. His ex-wife doesnt live with him. She lives right around the corner, conveniently. She rented that house when I moved out of HIS house in August. But..he KNOWS me, and knows I wouldnt go in his home without him knowing about it, not anymore. I used to feel like i could come and go as I pleased...because I could. but the last few months he has all these rules on me.

Im scared. Im scared hes not going to just let me go. Im not strong enough yet to be able to tell him to leave me alone and mean it. This has been 20 years hes done this to me. I dont want to live like this anymore, but I dont know how to stop it.

I havent slept in 3 days, and I havent eaten since Friday morning. I try to sleep, but my body aches, and I have NO idea why. I get all these horrible images in my head when i close my eyes. Him and her together, the kids telling me things I dont want to know.(his kids, Im very close to them, lived with them for 18 months), all sorts of crap. This has never happened to me before. I feel like Im losing control over my body somehow, like its betraying me or something. Im beginning to wonder if this is some sort of a breakdown or something.

December 27, 2005
11:58 am
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KatDec2005
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Snow

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Tell me are you sure you want him out of your life or are you angry at him because you still love him dearly and he's hurting you so badly?

I mentioned this on a thread a while ago but in Sweden they look at relationships differently, rather than blaming eachother for the failure. They celebrate the happy times that they had, if you were with him for 20 years you must have created good memories, ofcourse you're bound to be feeling down. Your've lost someone you loved dearly. You're not having a breakdown, your heart is broken, its called healing.

Hang on in there, we are thinking about you and wishing you well.

December 27, 2005
12:45 pm
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Hi snow!

Hmmmm. If you share a PO Box, how does HIS mail end up at your house???

Could you leave the mail addressed to him inside the PO Box for him to pick up???

Also, with your cell phone.... is it the family plan where you have two cells on one account? If so, then you can report that yours is lost and stop using it. Then tell them to suspend that service to that particular cell phone until further notice and they will do that. Get yourself another cell phone from another company. A pre-paid plan like trac-fone might be an option because there are no credit checks.

Is your bf's name on your lease? If it is not on your lease and he decides to come uninvited to your house then call the police and tell them that you had a break in. Of course tell bf that this is what you will do if he violates your privacy in this way again.

The car situation is a bit sticky. Is he paying for your vehicle? Or did you co-sign a vehicle for him?? If you co-signed for him then you are basically stuck. However, if he defaults on the loan and when (not if) they come after you for the money... maybe you can take the vehicle back from him and drive it yourself OR sell it so that you can pay the debt.

The point is that there are always options, hon. You just gotta look for ways and means.LOL

Take care.

~~bonita

December 27, 2005
1:28 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Snow

I have missed out on this thread of yours. I have posted something for you on the other thread "curing Narc"

Garfield

December 27, 2005
1:48 pm
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snowlover
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Hi Bonita...

I do normally leave his mail in the box. he was out of town for a week on business, so I had no choice but to empty the box. very small box, lots of mail.

The cell phone IS a family plan, and its his. My company is getting me a company cell phone after the first of the year. Im then giving him back his phone, and well..too bad, he can pay the bill from now on.

His name is not on my lease, and he doesnt pay my rent. I live in a VERY small town, everyone knows everyone. No one will believe me if I say hes harassing me. They think hes a decent guy, excellent job, upstanding citizen, etc. I just need the key back from him.

The car is mine. meaning, i drive it, but we are both on the loan. My credit got destroyed from divorce, i needed him to cosign for me. i dont think he will take it from me, he just likes to remind me all the time what a favor he did for me. I make the payments on it, not him.

Im trying to get out of this quickly and painlessly. hes just not making it easy. The first issue i try to deal with and I get no where. I dont even want to think about that phone call tonight. God give me strength.

December 27, 2005
1:55 pm
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Jeez. That is a tough spot to be in.

December 27, 2005
2:04 pm
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Snow

You are really in a tough spot like Bonita said.

Take it one thing at a time. Try to keep yourself busy.

This is not going to be easy. I will try to be on the board and help were I can.

I am at a different point in recovery now as you can see from my latest thread.

It has taken me years and when I look back I cannot even compare myself to whom I used to be.

We all go thought the different stages -

Love

Garfield

December 27, 2005
2:04 pm
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Of course he's not making it easy. He's wing-walking. You know, when someone doesn't take a foot off of one airplane wing until they have one firmly on the wing of another airplane. Right now, he probably doesn't exactly know how it's going to work out with his ex, sleeping with her or not, and wants to keep his options open with you.

If it were me (and yes, after 20 years, it would take time to gather the courage to do it, but...), I would install a bolt lock on the front door or have the landlord change locks. The lease is in your name, you have every right to not feel "violated" in your own home regardless of the past relationship, I would get my own p.o. box and his mail can just pile up until it hits the floor in his own box. Okay, so he has a co-sign on the vehicle. Doesn't have to be an issue with you at all as long as you continue the payments; he no longer has to be the silent "partner," just silent. If he just co-signed, he can't take the car from you; your name is the primary on the lease and registration, right?

As for the phone call, write yourself a small script and stick to it. Don't get into the peripherals with him, which, as we all know is sooo easy to do. Tell him explicitly that there must be a key exchange and he is no longer allowed to just walk into your home at will. Don't get into a discussion about it.

Once you do these things, you will, of course, still have some tough times ahead of you, but you CAN be strong and do them. Good luck and keep us posted...

December 27, 2005
2:11 pm
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snowlover
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whidbey....I agree...hes "wong-walking" as you called it. His ex wife is pregnant with a married mans baby,. and she is sticking to my BF like GLUE for the monetary gain she sees. He makes a LOT of money, and shes money hungry. She also screwed around on him multiple times while they were married. Hell no he doesnt trust her. Ive tought for a couple months now he was keeping me on the side-lines "just in case. Ive tried to talk to him about it and he flat out refuses. When I busted her at his house last week that was it for me. I had my proof, he crossed my limit.

If he would just give up and walk away this would be sooooo much easier. Everything is a battle with him, especially when Im trying to get some independence from him. he cant stand it.

December 27, 2005
2:17 pm
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Of course he can't, and we KNOW that he isn't going to just give up and walk away from you. So far, it's been too easy for him. YOU have to make the decision to walk away and live YOUR life with grace and dignity. Don't TRY to gain the independence, just DO it. It won't be easy, but you CAN do it. Don't start with the negative tapes in your head that it will be so hard; we already now that to be true. But, start taking the steps today, now, RIGHT NOW! You can do it. Go get that new p.o. box. Talk to your landlord about unwanted people in your home and that you don't feel safe; if he doesn't listen, go get a bolt lock that can be removed later if need be. Your landlord has to give you 24 hours notice anyhow before entering your home, so that's not an issue as far as having your own lock. Write that script for the phone call tonight and DO NOT DEVIATE FROM IT!! Start taking control of your own life. You will begin to be amazed at what you have the strength to do.

December 27, 2005
2:22 pm
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bonita1
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Whidbey has some great advice, snow. Just do it. It can't hurt and you can gain a lot of peace of mind.

December 27, 2005
2:25 pm
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snowlover
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I dont even know what to say when he calls tonight. hes a master at twisting everything around so it looks like my fault. I dont want to talk about the crap hes doing, I just want my key back, and to settle the rest of our affairs. he has TONS of stuff at my house he needs to get. I actually packed it all up and put it out in my garage the last 2 days. I couldnt stand having it near me anymore.

I still dont get why exchanging keys warrants a phone call from him. let me think on this, and see what position I need to take. If i dont asnwer he will be like "I tried to make arrangements with you, you didnt bother to take my call...blah, blah, blah".

I have to give this some thought.

December 27, 2005
2:35 pm
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Snow

You called him Saturday about the keys - 3 days later you have not heard from him.

Just give him back what he gives to you.

I will think a bit

December 27, 2005
3:00 pm
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whidbey
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Simple position, really. Write the script that you want to exchange keys, period. Tell him if he doesn't get his stuff out of your garage in two days, it goes to the dump, and then DO IT if he doesn't. If he starts bringing up his issues, tell him that is not on the agenda for this conversation and go immediately back to the key switch. If he waffles, tell him never mind, the locks will be changed and it's not up for discussion. Then politely say good-by and hang up the phone.

December 27, 2005
3:08 pm
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Hi Snow...

I feel badly for you. First thing: Try not to let him get in to your head with his "control talk". Stick only to business...if he brings up something you don't want to discuss, change the subject. If he asks you a question that's none of his beeswax, don't answer, just ask him a question.

As far as the locks go, I wouldn't hesitate to change the locks. Offer to pay the landlord if that's what it comes down to. Don't be afraid to be in control. The charmer/abuser is the master of illusion. As soon as you get some "upper hand" their radar goes off and they pull out the big control talk guns. Wear your armor so it bounces off.

It seems so obvious that he is trying to control you and the situation. Easy for me to say--I'm having difficultys of my own these days.

December 27, 2005
3:22 pm
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bonita1
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snow,

Let me caution you before you throw out all of his stuff out of your garage to the dump. You may be legally responsible to replace his stuff if you do this.

So write down any future communications you have with him. You want to leave a paper trail to CYA (cover your a**).

Send it U.S. Mail with return receipt requested. Also, talk to your landlord about the key situation and what is going on. He may have a few suggestions. If possible cc a copy to your landlord of the letter you will send to your ex asking for your key.

December 27, 2005
3:24 pm
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bonita1
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my feeling is that its gonna get very ugly before you get that key back.

You may NOT get it back at all. So you need the evidence of trying to contact him in writing with return receipt so you can seek legal counsel if it comes down to that.

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