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Very Confused
November 3, 2004
10:48 am
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Sadie21
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OK!! I have never done anything like this before. I have been doing alot of reading about codependency but I am still confused. I was married for 11 years and then separated with my husband. About three months after we split I started seeing someone else. Well by March we were living together until January of this year. Well she left and immediately started seeing someone else. she stayed gone about 3 months and then came back. After about 2 months she stayed with this other person for a couple days and then came back. i let her borrow $3000 to go to graduate school for the summer program. After the summer program was over she joined the Army and stayed for about a montha nd then said she had to get out because she could not stand to be without me. She came back and had no job for about a month then she started working in a factory here. After about 2 weeks of working there she became more and more distant and less and less content. I knew something was wrong and told her I seen all the signs of her wanting to move out and she denied it. She was paying no rent and buying a few groceries is the only way she was contributing financially. She has no family or no friends just some guy she met at work. Well last Monday we got in an argument and she left and went to a homeless shelter all she has is a car and a few clothes. She will not talk to me at all. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and Post-traumatic stress. She goes thru stages where things are fine between us for a few months and then she just disappears and leaves all of her clothes and stuff at my house and in about 2 months she comes back like nothing is wrong. I dearly love this woman but I cannot keep letting her come in and out of my life and my childrens lives. She just keeps hurting me over and over again. I don't want to see her in a homeless shelter and have offered to get her an apartment and pay the rent until February until she gets on her feet. I do not want to loose her or live without her. I don't know why but I love her so much. The last time she was living with me she was driving my vehicle because she did not have insurance or tags. I am sure she felt trapped and that I controled her which I probably tried to do to some extent. I am so confused am I the one with the problem or is it her or both of us. No matter what happens she has always eventually came back to me but this time I am not sure if she ever will or even if I will let her if she tries. I ran into her at the store the other evening and told her I was sorry for everything and that she should come and get anything she needed and maybe we should go to couples counseling but I haven't seen or heard from her since. It is so hard without her. I need someone to try to calrify all this for me

November 3, 2004
12:23 pm
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CAMER
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this gal is taking advantage of you...she is an adult and you shouldn't have to lend her money, $3k is alot of money...and she keeps leaving and coming back, you must be so confused!! Even when you were separated from your hubby of 11 years, getting reinvolved within 3 mos. with her, did you ever have time to heal from the breakup with your hubby??? To me it seems like this girl doesnt know what she wants, she keeps going back and forth, and if you keep taking her back into your place, she will keep taking advantage of you. don't you want stability in
a person, and so what if she has to
go to a homeless place, at least its a place to live. By helping her, you are actually "enabling" her, and
she will just take advantage of you.

Try to be strong, and recognize all these patterns she has brought into your life, I think you deserve better!!!

November 3, 2004
12:30 pm
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Sadie21
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i know what I should do in my mind but my heart just cannot let her go no matter what. I think she has some kind of chemical imbalance or something that goes off every three or four months. Our relationship is the best anyone could want when things are good. We enjoy all of the same things so we are always together. I think she felt controlled and that is what made her unhappy. She always says that we are soulmates and meant to be together. It has been a little over a week and things are actually getting better for me. I am not leaving work and trying to find her. If she would just be honest and tell me she doesn't want to be with me anymore at least I would have some closure. I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

November 3, 2004
1:10 pm
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kathygy
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Its sounds like you are rescuing her. That's being codependent. A relationship requires two equals and you don't have that. She is very mixed up and not capable of a steady, committed relationship. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult and can go for help which she will never do as long as you keep rescuing her. She is using you for money and a roof over her head. Stop rescuing her and let her stand on her own two feet. You deserve a full relationship where you do not have to keep rescuing a person. Read about codependency. Read the book 'co-dependent no more'. Get this woman out of your life.

November 3, 2004
1:34 pm
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Sadie21
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We have been thru so much together I just can't see throwing all that away. Even though she has made a choice to stay at a homeless shelter where evidently she is happier than being with me. I guess I tried to shelter her and buy her love with money but I just can't seem to let go of that. I really am in love her and think that we both need to get counseling if this is ever going to work. She did the same thing in the last relationship she was in before me. It seems like a pattern and she will never be stable long enought o be in a caring relationship. I would just like some closure if there is no chance that things can ever work between us. She won't tell me that though and she leaves her stuff at my house how can I get her to come and get her stuff.

November 3, 2004
1:40 pm
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CAMER
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just ask her to get her stuff...and if you want closure, tell her you either both need to work at the relationship or just move forward...then the true answer will be out in the open. I wish you well.

November 3, 2004
1:46 pm
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Sadie21
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She will not take my phone calls or talk to me and she has no friends here to get them to tell her. It is clear to me that her mind is made up so how long until I can donate all of her stuff to charity she even left her mothers ashes. Is that morbid or what?

November 3, 2004
1:48 pm
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CAMER
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why not just bring her mom's ashes to the homeless shelter with her stuff..that way you wont have to feel bad about things left behind...since she is not taking your calls.

November 3, 2004
2:03 pm
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Sadie21
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I am not sure that she is still staying there. I have no idea where she is at or who she is with. I guess they would maybe know how to contact her. I don't know though.

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