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Venting so i don't lose my mind.....
September 7, 2005
1:42 pm
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stwhirlwind
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i am lost. i feel so alone. i hate myself. i feel like i am not going to survive this. my heart hurts....

Ex and i got into it AGAIN last nite. i hate myself because it's always the same conversation and i know he is so sick of me. he just says here we go again, we are both going to say the same things we said months ago. he doesn't understand that i can't help what my heart feels and if i say and ask the same questions it's because it's so hard to believe that he wants to leave me when we have such a great time together as long as i don't have these 'episodes' where i let out everything i'm feeling inside. why can't i just vent elsewhere?

all it does is make me worry the whole next day that he thinks i'm crazy or that i've just made him hate me more. he listens and he says that he's not angry with me but i still feel like he is just saying that to pacify me in the moment so i'll stop crying and stop talking.

when will i ever learn? we've been 'broken up' (if you want to call it that, we've still lived our lives the exact same way except for the fact that the words were spoken) for 3 months now. it only takes something small he says that starts me off. i guess i am hoping that he'll change his mind. i don't bug him about it daily. i try to be independent. then something will happen.

we got into it last nite because he answered a call from and ex friend of our that talked a lot of crap about the both of us. and he just talked to her like old times. it made me angry and jealous. so then he get's to throw it in my face that i have no right to be upset or say who he can talk to because we are 'broken up' and then once he throws in "i'm NOT changing my mind about this" i lose it. because in my heart i have been hoping and praying that he will. i am leaning on false hope. i know this is wrong. i guess i was just hoping that we had been getting along and having such a great time lately that he WOULD change his mind. i feel like such a fool.

sorry for the long ramble. i am just a mess today and needed to vent some. thanks.

September 7, 2005
1:59 pm
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taj64
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I am sorry you are hurting today. Is there a reason why you are still together though not broken up? If you break up, you need distance from the relationship in order to heal. It is false hope. You will heal a lot faster if you put the effort into yourself to recover from this breakup. By continuing, you are setting up for more pain, more disappointment. That is all you will get. I think the big thing to learn here is that you acknowledge you made a mistake. Don't be hard on yourself, sometimes it takes many times before you learn to correct. You are human, not perfect. Men hate to see women cry, and he is pacifying you. He will not change his mind. He does not want you. Don't talk to him anymore. Stay away. You will heal. It will be painful. It will go away. Allow this process to happen. Allow distance so that you can find who you are, give it a chance for someone who will be able to give you more than this guy can give you which is nothing.

September 7, 2005
2:59 pm
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kathygy
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First of all you can only speak for yourself. You say you've been having a great time but you don't know if he really feels that way just because you do. He obviously dosen't feet so great about it or he would not break up with you.

You need to sift out what is your issues and what is his issues. It sounds like you have them blurred all into being your issue. What kind of 'episodes' did you have? What are the things you said over and over and he got tired of hearing about?

If you are broken up it is a set up for pain to stay together. He is right he does have the right to talk to anyone but it hurts you when he throws it in your face. Take care of yourself and separate physically from this man. You need to work on you and sort this relationship out with the help of a therapist so you will know where your responsibility lies and where his responsibility is. There is no need to beat yourself up. Your need your own support now more than ever. Be your own best friend. You do not deserve to suffer.

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
3:31 pm
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stwhirlwind
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Thanks Taj & Kathy for your advice...

Kathy~by 'episode' i mean the carrying on, crying, asking why, aren't i enough?, how am i supposed to handle this...oh the list goes on... i just panic/have anxiety wheni realize "oh my god, this is real" and i think of being left alone! i am such am mess!

I wish i could stop myself before i start in on him about this. it just happens so suddenly that i can't think straight and i am so upset by the fact that it's over.

I agree with everyone who says i need to distance myself from him...i can't help myself, i am SO SCARED of being without him. i feel like my life will be meaningless...so codependent huh? geez. i wish i could just let him go. i wish it were that easy. sigh.

September 7, 2005
3:48 pm
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taj64
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The crying and carrying on is your way to control the relationship. Possibly expecting him to react to it, but really is manipulative on your part. The anxiety you feel is the fear of letting go. Once you get over your fear, you can let go. It is painful to let go. But so important to feel it. It will take a few weeks I think. It is called withdrawal. It sounds like you are addicted to a person, your ex BF. You can't live without him? Your life is meaningless. How do you know unless you try? You are worth it believe me. Allow yourself time to heal. You can do this.

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