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Utter confusion!
January 8, 2006
1:14 am
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LunaSea
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HI.. I am new to this forum, and am hoping that some of you out there have some advice for me. I am having very severe relationship problems with my boyfriend of five years, and we have been debating for a month now on whether or not to call it quits. We have been living together for four years, and have been completely committed and monogamous since day one. The first three years were GREAT, but during the last two, we have found ourselves fighting all the time, taking each other for granted, ignoring important emotional issues, not communicating well, not having regular sex, and many other issues that constitute an unsatisfying relationship. It has been getting progressively worse instead of better, and we have made SOME (but not many) efforts to make things better. Most of these efforts have good results for a short while; we are so nice to each other at first, and then a couple weeks later, we are back to our old problems and taking each other for granted again. There has been so much resentment built up between us over the past couple years that I have been seriously considering breaking up with him. About a month ago, I brought this up to him for the first time. HE was mad at first, and said that I obviously have priorities other than him and welcomed a breakup. (there is so much more to it than this, but I don’t know how much of it I should add without boring the hell out of you all). After his mad period, he became sad when it hit him that I was not just threatening a breakup, I meant it. He SWORE to me that he came to realizations after hours of talking about what was bothering me about us, and promised that he would change, and love me the way I need to be loved. First of all, I really don’t WANT to change him, I want him to WANT to change for US, not for me. But after some serious thought, I decided that I owed him another chance since we have so much history and love for each other. And honestly I am afraid that if I let him go, I may be losing my soul mate. Three weeks have passed since we gave it another go, and everything was great… until now. And the problem isn’t him - it’s me. He has been so great to me since his "revelation", but I on the other hand have been cruel and distant toward him. I have been going out late with my friends (way too late for someone in a relationship), I have been picking on him over little things, and just making him feel like shit about himself, all the while, he is being so sweet. I am wondering if I am TRYING to sabotage this relationship by acting the way I am, or if I have WAY too much resentment toward him that cannot allow us to work on our problems. Am I just too bitter to make it work? Is there no hope? Do I want there to be hope? Do I still love him the way that I used to? I really DO NOT want to hurt him, and I am also afraid of being alone. I am afraid of losing the love that through all the fighting and problems I KNOW we have for each other. In some ways, I really want to be alone too, and look forward to the single life again. But is that really going to make me happier? Is the grass greener on the other side?! HELP!

January 8, 2006
1:59 am
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feline
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You are the only one who can answer those questions. I can think of only two answers, couples counselling or a break from each other. I am not a really good person to be giving advice at the mo tho.

Big Hugs

January 8, 2006
6:43 am
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snowlover
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LunaSea.....take it from someone who knows. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. Some times its actually dead and filled with weeds.

Those questions you asked are things that only YOU can answer for yourself. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to make things work, and is trying in that area. But, you have to decide for yourself if YOU still want things to work. Have the 2 of you thought about couples therapy at all?

Perhaps start by making a list of the pros and cons of staying in your current situation. be really honest with yourself about it, then examine that list and see how you feel then.

Snow

January 8, 2006
12:55 pm
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Anonymous
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I could have written your story - my thoughts were the same.

And I was getting comfortable with the idea of going solo.

and my BF was gone part of the time - as he couldn't afford to commute to work from where we live, so he was staying with his family close to the job.

Anyway, we tried to patch things up several times - and each time, it failed miserably.

Only until this month, was I able to figure out what was wrong.

And that was ME.

I was hell bent on being miserable, no matter what happened.

And when I decided to focus on me and what it takes to make ME happy - with or with out him - we were able to mend things.

And things feel different this time - because I am hopeful and open to the idea of us working things out.

In the past, I didn't believe it would work out - and basically had the mental attitude, that I would go along with it, and he would have to prove it to me - and that was the wrong attitude to have - set us up for failure every time.

I can't tell you how I came to this - except that we did do couples counseling - which helped me see that it was equally my fault - not just his and we stopped that - so I can focus on my own recovery - instead of fixing our relationship - I am gonng fix me. Also, we had a two week break from eachother - and I think that time off helped us each have time to think about what we could change for ourselves, and not focus on eachother....and we could think distraction and argument free.

It's possible to fix this - but first you have to focus on why you are so miserable and fix that first.

January 8, 2006
1:06 pm
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LunaSea
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You are both right. This IS something that only I must figure out on my own. I will just have to take it one day at a time, because at the moment I am completely torn both ways. 1. I feel like if I stay with him, we will grow old together and I will have regrets later in life for not pursuing happiness (or possibly finding someone better for me). 2. If I leave him, I will never know if I lost my soulmate or not, and will hate myself for it forever if I decide that I love him and want to be with him and cannot. But I heard this quote, "you cannot find Mr. Right when you are with Mr. Wrong". BUt then I have to ask myself what EXACTLY IS mr. right, and does he really exist, or if the whole idea is just a fantasy? My indecisivness on whether or not I want to make this relationship work is causing even more damage between us, and creating daily stress that is just making every day living extremely difficult for us both. This cannot go on forever like this. Oh well, I guess I will just have to wait it out and see. I wonder if my change of heart is hormonal? I am back and forth all the time to happy and depressed.

January 8, 2006
1:21 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that in order to find happiness with ANYONE, you need to find happiness in yourself.

And I think perhaps you won't find mr right until you are MRS RIGHT.

work on healing your emotional wounds. work on healing your self esteem. work on liking and loving the image in the mirror and the person you are.

And if he is right for you, you will know. if he isn't, you will be able to make a clearer decision and also go forward without making the same mistake twice.

If you plan on getting out of this one, only to search for the next one - you would be making a big mistake. you need to look at healing yourself before making any decisions or choosing another mate.

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