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ups and downs; I am so mad for missing him so much
March 17, 2005
6:00 pm
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chickyfighter
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Hey guys, I was fine, but I got this today:
A well-known speaker started off his seminar
by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,
"Who would like this $20 bill?"
Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?"
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"
And he dropped it on the ground
and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now, who still wants it?"
Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.
No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it
because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt
by the decisions we make and
the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless.
But no matter what has happened or
what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased,
you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we
know,
but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special- Don't EVER forget it."
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the
lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to,
or the hope that it can bring.
Count your blessings, not your problems.
And remember: amateurs built the ark .
professionals built the Titanic.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
..and forwarded it to everyone else, even HIM. I am not sure if I was trying to passively say something to him, I know not to manipulate, I did it unconsciously. I decided no more contact, but I had to add him to the list!

March 17, 2005
6:02 pm
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Anonymous
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Ughh it's hard, Mr. Jack contacted me last night and I mean I was happy a little but I know that if I go back to that, all the progress i made will be gone, and I also know I have very little willpower when it comes to him.

He should definitley be on my No contact list.

March 17, 2005
6:06 pm
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on my way
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chicky, it's okay. don't be mad at yourself, if anything it may make a difference in his life now, or down the road. I love this, it says so much.

March 17, 2005
6:08 pm
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chickyfighter
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what exactly did he say? did he sound like he missed you? or did he bluntly say he misses the way you 2 f*****?
I miss him today, b/c I know he is back in town again, and we used to see each other then. Aces, I read the book, it was so good, I understand myself so much beter, but I am losing my closest friends b/c they are in dysfunctional stuff and I don't like knowing they know and they won't do anything about it. I am becoming whole alone, it is so sad to move on. I was reading the end of the book where it says to share yourself intimately, that it would be hard, and I wanted to call him to share what I have learned about me to him, but then the book says to do it w/somone you feel safe, and nurtured by, bot HIM...I hate that I am missing him and although I could go on hot dates, I know not to b/c they make me miss him more. I hate it!!!

March 17, 2005
6:10 pm
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Anonymous
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Chicky, I have lost many of my friends, and not because of them but beacuse IM changing just like you are changing. yes basically he did say that, it was a sex addiction between us and I figured that three months of no sex would help that.

I do miss him too. I know it is harder for you especially with him in town, just remember that the person god has for you is going to be so great. Get butterflies just thinking about it.

The book is awesome, it helped me realize a lot about myself, Im so glad you enjoyed it.

Do you think he will contact you?

March 17, 2005
6:13 pm
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Rasputin
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Honey,

Thank you so much for this wisdom, please promise me not to beat yourself up. We are make mistakes, God has forgiven you as soon as you confessed it. That analogy is so smart.

Happy St. Patrick's Day,

(((Kisses)))

March 17, 2005
6:18 pm
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chickyfighter
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On my way, I now know that I have to take so much of the wrong that happened b/t us and own it. I remember he used to want to be intimate at the very beginning, and now I see that I am afraid of that, I had sex, but never gave myself...I learned that I may never have experienced intimacy, I had much sex, but it was my way of performing, I was manipulating. I know now why my one good relationship did not work, I was like HE is now. I have wronged others as well. I have been on both sides of the coin, I have so much work to do. I just want to stop caring about him, I wish we could make this better, but I know I have to work solo on this one. I am going through the steps of the book. I am determined to beat this.
How are things w/you, sorry for not asking.

March 17, 2005
6:29 pm
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chickyfighter
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Aces, I don't want to have hope when it comes to him, I don't want to think he'll call and say he misses me, or even think he'll call at all b/c it hurts too much. I try not to think of anythig but what makes me angry b/c if not I will be tempted to call if I even think he has an ounce of compassion and love for me, which he does not! I am holding on tight to my anger instead. Rasputin, I am not beating myself up, I just hate feeling at all. I have been feeling like all this time I have been a little girl trapped in a woman's body, I am trying to grow up emotionally. I feel aweful knowing that I have been afraid all this time to be intimate, I have no idea what a true relationship is supposed to be like, but I have made a list of what I expect from a guy and I am sticking to it.
Love ya, Happy St. Patrick's day to you too.

March 17, 2005
6:39 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree with you chicky. It is so hard, especially when you are trying and yet you still feel things. I think we are too hard on ourselves in expecting to not feel anything and to not want to when feeling is just what we need to do. I still miss my ex, even though he was a jerk, but I will never go back, just because it hurt me to much and it sucked.

I know how hard it is especially when all of your friends are dysfunctional and you jsut want someone who has the same values, and beliefs, and is drama free.

I am here for ya.

BIG HUGGSSS

March 17, 2005
6:55 pm
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chickyfighter
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Love ya girl, thanks for the luv, I know we are supposed to taste the feeling of loneliness, emptiness and savour it, and live in the moment and know it will pass, but it's OK to fell so dang empty and wish to be held and loved and made love to, but it cannot be /wthose who don't have our best interest at heart. Aces I adopt you to be my funtional friend, I appreciate how hard you are working on you. Remember to stay close who are heading the right way b/c if not we are still easily swayed. Goto go to the gym will check in later, much luv!

March 18, 2005
8:03 am
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chickyfighter
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Good morning all, I got a late night phone call, they hung up, I wonder if it was HIM? Probably not. A guy I knew awhile ago is back home from the middle East, and he could have called that late...coming to think of it, it was only 10:30ish, so maybe it could have been anyone.Anyway, I am tired, I hate early, cold mornings. I pray it will be a wonderful day today and that we may all feel God's love and embrace as we proceed through the day trying to be used by the man above, and that we may feel so much fulfillment as we listen to what it is he wants for us today. I pray that he will help us overcome every trial brought onto us today emotionally, physically, and otherwise, b/c no weapon formed agains us can prevail, in the name of Jesus, we have faith, Amen.

March 19, 2005
1:21 am
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chickyfighter
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To end my day, I have to share that I was so tempted to call him today. I guess b/c he had taken me w/him to look for a house when he was thinking he was going to stay here and not go to Sweden in Dec. He wanted to buy his first house, and I felt so happy that he'd want me to help him look. Our relationship was so crazy, we'd do stuff that couples do yet we never even had an official relationship. I am reading that book" Facing Love Addiction" now and I can say I did all the love addict/love avoidant things w/him and my ex, and I was a love avoidant w/the rest of my relationships...Anyway, I wanted to call b/c I was wondering if he wanted to help me look for my house, I am also buying my firts home now. I mean we never ended it in bad terms, I think we are still friends...but then I thought maybe it's too soon. I did not want to feel that empty feeling he makes me feel. I used to feel high when he wanted to be w/me and then I'd crash, I would want to never want to leave him the next day, although I never expressed it, I was love avoidant as he was. I am truly amazed at how long we lasted being so avoidant of one another, I never really nourished him fearing to get too close, I used my job, and being so busy w/my life to avoid intimacy and yet I yearned that closeness so much, and the same w/him, although he was afraid to get close and used sex w/other women and his work to keep him busy. Then I thought about Superbowl Sunay when he had that party at his house and did not even invite me but invited other women, I am sure. I felt sick and said"I don't deserve that!" my first house is a wonderful experience and I don't want to make it unhealthy. So, I guess another day went by and I will not call. Tomorrow, is another day I must overcome, but for now I am taking it like that. I am learning so much guys, I still feel sick to know how sick I have been and I have truly gotten so much better since I was married, that one was so horribly unhealthy. I was so addicted to my ex husband or the fantasy of having a family for soooo long, I have lost so much precious time. So, This last relationship, although I did not know I was addicted 'til the end, I have worked so hard and I was a better person, and I know I can only get better. I can beat this thing, I have to do it b/c I also know now that these partners who love addicts are attracted to, have had mothers who were love addicts and they (love avoidants, who are usually the men) are the product of that. The love avoidants that have hurt us or we have hurt are as sick as us. They experience things in a similar way but they fear engulfment from being intimate. There is so much more to learn, hope this helps someone.

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