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Update on my situation
May 13, 2007
4:13 pm
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AQueen
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Well my ex was arrested last week because he had a warrant for failing to appear at his probation officer's office. He's on probation for assaulting my Mom. Anyways he wanted to see his son and his Mom wasn't going to be in town so she asked me if I could find a way to bring the baby to the jail for visitation. Well I can't do it because I have a protective order againist him, so does my Mom. Well I asked a girl that we both know and she agreed. Well I get my son all ready and meet her at the jail, she's late of course. Well I asked her if she had any warrants or anything because I didn't want her to get arrested while trying to take my son in to see his Dad. I knew she was involved with the courts over a DUI she got last year. The jail runs every visitors name for warrants because some people with warrants show up for visitation and get arrested. She callls the court while we are standing outside the jail and sure enough she has a warrant. So she can't bring the baby in to see his Dad. She went on her way and I decided to walk around for awhile since I had already paid for parking. I found myself getting all upset over not being able to bring my son to see his father. I started to feel bad like I had done something wrong and decided to go into the jail and try to take my son to see his dad, screw the protection order! I didn't want to see him but I didn't want him to be mad at me either for not bringing his son to see him. Well I was refused of course because of the protection order. So I decided to make it up to him by putting money on his books. Well I went the nearest bank to get a money order because the jail only accepts money orders. The bank wouldn't give me a money order because I didn't have an account there! I went back home and thought things out and realized how crazy I was acting! I was making him not being able to see his son my problem! I was letting it get me bent out of shape. I was actually worried he would be upset with me, bullshit! I cannot believe I was going to put money on his books, man a guardian angel was looking out for me I swear! If I would've been able to take my son in to see him he would've taken that totally wrong. He would've thought that meant that I want to be with him or something. Same thing with the money order. I don't miss this man, I don't think of this man, and I never want to be with this man agai. So why did I almost relapse? Well because I didn't state my boundries and tell people no. I should've told him Mom that it wasn't my responsiablity to find someone to take his son to see him. He didn't try to see him when he was running around partying all the time. I didn't make him get arrested. I said yes because I was trying to please her. I knew it would make her happy if I brought the baby to see his dad because she still has hope for her son (my ex) and she thought if she saw the baby he might decide to change his life. I don't think seeing his son will change a damn thing. He lived with me for years, he lived with his son from 11/06-03/07 and being around his son didn't stop him from relapsing.

So I learned that I have to stick to my boundries with everyone all the time because if I don't I'm liable to get myself into a situation I would deepy regret later. I'm happy I wasn't able to see my ex, and I'm happy I wasn't able to get a money order for him. I swear a guardian angel was watching over my dumbass. So when his Mom got back in town I told her what happened and that she would have to take the baby herself if she wanted her son to see him. I told her that no contact means no contact and by setting up vistiation when he wants to makes it look like I'm jumping to please him. She understood and respected what I had to say. I thought I wasn't going to relapse because I don't have a desire to be with my ex. I don't think of him in that way anymore. When I do think of his I see the real him, the guy that let me down and used me up. Wow that just snuck up on me, I mean I never thought I would find myself trying to break a no contact order to please someone like my ex or his Mom. Crazy! I'm just happy that I didn't do someone that would cause him to start harassing me again. I love my life now and I don't want him back at all.I want to alone and just focus on raising my son and going to school. Well that's my update. Other than that I'm fine. I'm going to a family reunion the first week of June. I'm really excited to see all my extended family. Well enough for now. Take care everyone.
AQueen

May 14, 2007
9:14 am
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depressed teen
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as i said in my post i am so pleased eveything worked out for you. keep up the good work AQ and could you get back to my thread and give me a hand... dp

May 16, 2007
12:40 am
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smarterone
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I really look up to you queen.

May 16, 2007
11:08 am
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StronginHim77
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AQUEEN -

You are walking in great wisdom. You got it the hard way, but you GOT IT. That's what matters. You understand how to handle your ex...you understand what was motivating you to comply with your jailed ex's ridiculous demand to see his son, etc. You have had a real breakthrough!

Now, hold tight onto what you have learned...write it down....print out this posting...re-read it, any time you start feeling sucked back into the whirlwind mess that is your ex's life.

No Contact is your path to peace and safety. Stay on it. I am really, really proud of your breakthrough. You will do just great and be a tremendous inspiration to others on these threads.

Love,

Ma Strong

May 16, 2007
12:35 pm
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thedogsmom
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CONGRATS- aqueen!

I am so proud of you. I had to laugh and could visualize you walking around at the jail house with your baby and then feeling 'sorry' and perhaps a bit 'guilty' for him- trying to put money on his books.. Then wondering WHAT IN THE HECK were you thinking! you are SO RIGHT!

You ended up there- because you didn't stick to your boundaries. You couldn't tell his mother "no- I'm sorry but I can't have contact with him". Next time somebody requests something from you- you will likely think it through first- and ask yourself- if it is something you really WANT to do... and then if it is really a good idea- and if it something that SHOULD be done.

You are my current hero--GO AQUEEN!
your newly found strength and self-realization is guiding me to follow suit!

I had my first whole week of NO CONTACT! I'm doing GREAT! thanks so much for helping me with your posts to me and others with 'step-by'step'
details in what to expect and how to react!
TDM

May 16, 2007
12:42 pm
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AQueen
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Thanks everyone. I really like this site. So much support, it's wonderful. I had to end a friendship of sorts. The girl I mentioned above, the one that was supposed to take my son to see my ex--K is what I'll call her. Well she and I used to do drugs years ago.I lost contact with her for awhile but when we were both pregnant we started talking on the phone once in awhile. After we both had our son's we started talking at least a couple times a week if not daily. The last few months it's been pretty much daily. I don't see her often because I just don't want to hang out with her unless she comes to my house or we go out to eat somewhere close by. She lives in a bad neighborhood full of drug addicts. She chose to live there. Her son's father would rent her an apartment anywhere and she choose to live in such a place. She always has drama going on in her life. She is involved with drug court for a past DUI and a drug possession charge. She has gotten dirty urine screen's a lot and she has asked me to piss for her. I refused. She is always arguing with someone and is always in trouble with the court for messing up. Lately it's been her brother living with her. She kicked him out but let him back in. Then kept wanted to bitch about it to me. I refused to listen to it because she just wanted to complain and complain and not take action. She's always been competative with me, like who's the thinnest, who has the best boob job, who makes the most money, whatnot. I refuse to compete with her since I got clean. She never wants to take responsiablity for her actions and is very irresponsiable. When I saw her Friday I was shocked by the condition of her car. She just totaled a car with her 10 month old son in it. She got her boyfriends old Jeep Cherokee. It was littered with old baby bottles with old formula in them. She was all unorganized and she was acting strange. She was walking around with no shoes on when she didn't need to. I felt she was high and that's why I made her call and check for warrants before taking my son in to see his dad. I felt something was off. Well her family is mentally ill and I blocked her parents phone numbers, her brothers cell, and her home phone because I was getting sucked into their drama. The drama between her and her brother and his living there. Well her mother called my mother's cell phone and said K's been missing since Friday night. I knew that K had been hanging out with an ex boyfriend who just got out of prison on parole. All they did in the past was use drugs together and she's been stressed lately because she can't find the strength to kick her brother out of her place so she took her 10 month old son and diappeared to his place. I don't know where he lives. Her real boyfriend, her son's father is a straight guy that lives 6 hours away and they don't really have a close relationship. He comes to see her whenver he wants a piece of ass basically. He's a lot older and has never been married, he's codependent. He's drawn to drug addicts and has been a total enabler to her for years. Anyways he even called my Mom's cell phone because he was looking for her. See my Mom's cell used to me mine, then I got a new one and that's how they had the number. They filed a missing person report and were shocked when I called back to tell them she'd been hanging out with her old using partner. Her mom said she'd been acting weird lately and I told her about the no shoes incident and she thought that was weird. Anyways her Mom is extremely codependent and a super enabler. When I told her who K was hanging with her said "oh now he always GETS her to do heroin". Bullshit! Nobody makes that girl. She's been doing drugs since she was 15, hard drugs. She's now 27. Her family is very sick. Mom is 500lbs, codependent food addict. The Dad is mentally ill workaholic. The brother is 35 and mentally ill abusive controller. She is a very bad drug addict, plays helpless and weak, very manipulative. So nobody has heard from her. She's using drugs and she has her infant son with her! Who knows if she's all high and he's safe or not. Maybe she left him somewhere, who know's!? I blocked all numbers expect her cell phone in case she contacts me I will tell her I cannot talk to her anymore because of the lifestyle she's leading. It's not healthy for me to be involved in drama like that. I just got rid of my ex and my brother and I don't want to be involved in another person's family drama. I mean they would call me and bitch, all of them. Or they would call me and accuse me of making her kick her brother out when I was just supporting her. How would they even know that unless she brought my name into it? I'm going to tell her as a recovering addict I cannot associate with someone that is using. I know she relapsed, I know it. That's what addicts do, they run off and avoid contact with their family because they are too busy getting high. Her son will get taken away. Other people have called CHild Protective Services on her but she always said they were crazy making up lies. I realize that's a lie. I've seen her loaded out of her mind. I fear for the safety of her son. I feel it's my moral obligation to alert someone. My mom said she would call if I don't. Anyways you see how sick this person is. Last time we spoke I hung up on her because I told her that I didn't want to listen to her whine in my ear all day. I told her I've been supportive of her but I don't want to hear the poor me crap right now and hung up. I'm doing so well right now and getting stronger daily. I feel like I'm really trying to help myself. I can't in in a friendship with someone like that. When she's clean things are a bit better but still there's a ton of disfunction and I just don't want to be involved. It's sad because we've known eachother for a long time and I've been a little bit of a good influence on her. She got her GED after I told her how easy it was to go back to school and I encouraged her to seek help for her eating disorder and for her issues behind her addiction to drugs. She is just a mess and I don't think it's healthy forme to talk to her anymore. She's going to yell when I tell her this so I'm bracing myself. She is still missing, I hope she's okay. She's in drug treatment and has to show up daily to get her methadone or else she's get really sick. If she's not showing up for that then I would be really worried. There is no way to know if she's showing up though. Confidentiality. I really hope the innocent baby is okay. I fear for his safety, for his life. I feel good about my decision to end things though. I've been feeling a sense of loss a little bit since I haven't spoken with her since Friday and we used to check in with eachother daily. Oh yeah I have healthy friends that I can turn to. AQUEEN

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