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update on marriage progress bonni
January 8, 2006
11:58 am
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bonni
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good morning,
i had two breakthroughs last night. realized dh is being emotionally distant from me, just as I am with him. i'm scared of being hurt again, mostly i think he's out of practice, having spent a year with soldiers and not being naturally inclined to be open. also, he finally admitted feeling threatened by my relationship with df. we are talking more and that's how we move to closer intimacy. he doesn't want us to end the relationship though, just be more included.

also, gaining emotional stability around dearest friend. i punish myself by believing that he won't have sex with me because i'm so undesirable. i'm finally accepting/trying to believe that i am sexually desirable and he loves me enough to help me maintain a boundary that protects all of us. I don't want to cheat on my dh; i want to believe that i am desirable and that df spends time with me because he loves me not bc he pities me. goal is to get back to sibling relationship, 95% there. i hardly ever think about having sex with him. he's very supportive of my marriage and in no way has encouraged me to stray. just is there for me, like a good brother.

would give anything to be able to finally break down and cry on his shoulder and let it out. something i just can't do with dh. #1, dh needs me to be strong. #2, i wouldn't feel so weak if he hadnt' shattered my heart. #3, df has strength to give me and loves me without expecting anything back (hugs me without feeling me up). he knows my feelings before i do and i can just rest from having the world on my shoulders. #4 dh doesn't want a woman he has to take care of. #5 i HATE myself for being weak and needy.

I have another friend who is very affectionate and loving and very gay. i'm thinking a weekend with him might help. love acceptance and no sex.

will see shrink in two weeks. need to write this down to share with him. hopefully he'll have ideas for discharging my negative emotions.

January 8, 2006
12:11 pm
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jt05tappb
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Well atleast you are talking to him and he is talking to you, thats a start isn't it?
Punishing yourself is the worst thing you can do hunni, it will only make you feel weaker and the weaker you feel the more prone to hurting yourself you become. Since you are married don't you think you are desirable? I mean i dont know you or what you look like but i know we are all unigue in out own way and all of us is desirable in one way or another. You have to remember looks aren't everything.
Maybe if dh is so weak himself and is cant see how your becoming more and more upset with the marraige you have, is some time away from eachother needed. Straying isn't neccerily the answer but time off from eachother for a month or two may find yourself feeling closer from being away fro so long.
It seems to me with gf you might have stronger feelings with him than you think and dh is obviously threatened by him. you need to work out where your heart stands with the both of the.
Never hate yourself, hate is the cruelest thing in life and will only make you weaker. by accepting who you are and that your not changing you move up one step to happiness.
A weekend with your friend may be a great help and it might help to open up to them.

January 8, 2006
12:17 pm
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Rasputin
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Bonni,

I have never been married, but I will give you my personal opinion. Since you're experiencing some obstacles in your marriage, it is only natural to feel vulnerable and emotionally week to other men who treat you nicely, especially if they were your dh's friends.

Also, the fact that dh went to war could have had great impact on his life and perspective. He needs healing! Have you ever considered couple counseling?

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

January 8, 2006
12:21 pm
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jt05tappb
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Couple councelling might help the both of you to open up to each other. thats a good idea maybe you should consider it?

January 8, 2006
12:43 pm
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bonni
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thanks jt05tappb,
dh and i were separated for a year due to his deployment to iraq. we are definitely working toward getting closer, but my heart is broken and im scared and sad.

i have strong feelings for df and i know that, but i don't want to build a life with him, i do want him in our lives. he is a good friend to dh too and has been a huge help with the kids. dh and i agree on that.

given the response i get from strangers, i suspect i am physically attractive, though definitely not beautiful. dd is stunning. actually both dds are very attractive. not jealous, amazed i created them. you are right, punishing myself doesn't help. dh married me 13 yrs and 30lbs ago. i'm approaching 40 and i can see it in the mirror. i got carded up until i turned 35. now they just laugh. people say i look just under 30 and seem genuinely shocked that i'm 37. df is 29 and people usually think he's older. so being with him is often a big ego boost.

i do need time away from total responsibiilty. for a year i was a single mom with sparse support. df stepped up at halfway point when i finally reached out. i'm exhausted in every way. dh could handle it; should handle it on his own long enough for me to get some downtime. df thinks that i should give him a chance to pick up the ball, i just have to be patient and let it bounce alot. dh just isn't particular. house could be three inches deep in trash before he lifts a finger. maybe though if he had to carry the full load a fraction of the time i did, he'd understand where i am and how i've gotten depressed.

it sounds like i'm focused only on my experience, but believe me, i carried my share of his burden through iraq. supporting him without much support from him helped break my spirit. i did withhold alot of my feelings from him, because they told us over and over it could distract him and get him killed. who wants to live with that guilt? dh dies in iraq because he was too worried about wife's nervous breakdown to spot the ied? told to listen and be supportive and let him know i could handle it, even when i couldn't. kids did great, dh came through a little shutdown and angry, but whole, the cost was to my mental health. i'm a broken sad lonely woman who realizes her partnership is broken and all is left is being the helpmate and mother with no one to help her. i am trying to mend the partnership but its hard and i'm doing most of the work. dh is happy as long as he gets sex. says he wants me to be happy, but has no interest in my life. at least df offers insights and suggestions. dh just says 'whatever makes you happy" not very motivating.

so, you're right. maybe a brief separation is a good idea.

January 8, 2006
12:58 pm
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bonni
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((Ras))
Thank you! couples counseling may be good. if we could find a counselor who wouldn't try to mold us into husband and wife, but help us learn to heal each other and discharge our anger and sorrow. i think its like the grief a couple goes through when they lose a child. in fact we did, in a way. we were going to have a third child. we both wanted another child, but after this year, i just don't want to raise three kids alone. dh says he'll be here, but he can't make that promise.

df's best quality is that he has proven over and over again that he won't take advantage of me, probably because he does truly love me. had i any doubt in that, he'd be history. have two other friends who i only talk to by phone. they each tell me i'm sexy and they want to sleep with me, which is great, but i won't see them in person.

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