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Update on legal issues with my ex
February 2, 2005
4:00 pm
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Cici
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I gave my statement to the state attorney's office today.

The prosecutor said that because of his prior record, they would be seeking longterm prison time. He's being charged with burglary with battery. They are offering him a plea bargain of 10 years in prison with no option for parole.

If he wants to take it to court (which he will), and have his trial, they are going to ask for the maximum sentence, which is life in prison.

I feel guilty, in a way, I don't want him back, I don't love him anymore, but I don't want to be the reason he went back to prison for 10 years. And once his public defender finds out, and he finds out, I am terrified of what he will do in retribution. He is a bad, bad man. I know now that there is nothing left between us but obsession. I know that if he does want to hurt me, he can, he will, and he will make it so that I can't tell anyone what he did.

I have a bad feeling that he is already planning. I am always looking over my shoulder no matter where I am, even at work. I can't sleep well, every little sound outside makes me jump.

I don't understand why he did this. He had a girlfriend since september, why couldn't he leave me alone? Why do I always pick the crazies?

IF he could have just controlled himself, he wouldn't be facing the prison time he's facing. He already spent 7 years of his life in prison.

I also know his crazy mother will probably call and scream at my answering machine, that I am sending her baby boy who has rage issues and alcohol problems to prison for life.

I'm not. He chose to do what he did. Normal people don't break into their ex's house.

Anyways, that's my update. I am feeling better, though. I am dating again, my social life is still active, but I think I'm just trying to distract myself.

I've seen a string of men who don't do drugs or drink. They are so different I barely know what to talk about. I am happier, though, even though I'm alone. I just hope he doesn't try to come after me. The trial date isn't until at least March, more likely May.

February 2, 2005
4:02 pm
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Anonymous
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Wish Free was here. She could be of much more help to you than I ever can be.

I'm sorry...

Love,

Ren'ai

February 2, 2005
4:51 pm
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Cici
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thanks ren'ai.

my family is still very concerned. everyone says don't let your guard down....

February 2, 2005
8:28 pm
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Cici
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I feel so alone.

February 2, 2005
10:19 pm
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bkc
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He chose to do what he did. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. AND IF MOM CALLS, PRESS CHARGES AGAINST HER, TOO.

I can hear that you're really afraid. No one has the right to make you feel that way. You should do all that you can to prevent it. If you're concerned about the length of the jail sentence, try telling the prosecutor to ease up on him, but don't back down and don't waiver.

February 2, 2005
11:05 pm
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Kentuckygirl24
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Dear God,
Please help cici through this difficult time. Help her rebuild her confidence in herself, and help her realize that what she did was right. Help her see your guidance and accept it. Thank you God, Amen.

I am here for u.

February 2, 2005
11:43 pm
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whitelight
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um Cici,
I don't know your feelings on guns, but here goes.

Some years back I was working in a group of women. We were talking and realized all of our husbands or b/fs had guns. Most of us were uncomfortable with that and said that if we were home alone and someone broke in, we would not even know how to use one of these guns.

So, we all took a class that was offered at a local sportmans club. It was self defense and gun safety for women. It was a great experience! We all had fun, learned a lot and felt very empowered (as you can imagine!)

Some of us bought our own guns. Some of us went target shooting with our men. A few of us even went hunting with our men. Before I had our kids, I went target shooting and attended gun shows. I have a concealed weapons permit.

My guardian angels are named Smith and Wesson.

You are a valuable human being--one who is worth defending.

February 3, 2005
11:54 am
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Cici
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Thank you. I have this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes and goes. My friend T, who was attacked by my ex, has been staying at my house because he is worried about me and scared of what my ex might do to me, now.

I wondered at the severity of the sentence, but since he was on parole at the time he broke into my house, he is getting punished to the furthest extent of the law.

I went to counseling today and talked a lot about my guilt. I feel bad for him, even now he has some sort of power over me.

February 3, 2005
2:00 pm
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whitelight
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Hi Cici,
Glad you have a friend to help.

The NRA has a wonderful program called "Refuse To Be A Victim." The string to find it is:

http://www.nra.org/results.asp.....;sort=hits

It is common in cases of abuse, even kidnapping, for victims to "bond" with their abusers or captors. It is a type of survival response.

You sound like a caring individual. Let's have a little more care for YOU and a lot less care for that evil man.

hugs 2 U

February 3, 2005
3:09 pm
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Cici
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You hit on something I hadn't thought about. Bonding with your abuser. Off to do research.

God knows, researching things obsessively is what keeps me sane.

February 3, 2005
3:47 pm
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Cici
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1. “ Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships and to seeks them desperately. The profound disruption in basic trust, the common feelings of shame, guilt, and inferiority, and the need to avoid reminders of the trauma that might be found in social life, all foster withdrawal from close relationships. But the terror of the traumatic event intensifies the need for protective attachments. The traumatized person therefore frequently alternates between isolation and anxious clinging to others... “

2. Many victims of severe and unrelenting trauma, whether domestic violence, incest, or ritual abuse, will find that they feel anxious when alone, and fear abandonment and isolation. The over-dependent characteristics are NOT a personality fault, but a result of the chronic abuse. (If you grew up in an abusive home, can you transfer this tendency to other intimate relationships?)

3. Stockholm Syndrome: On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees “The party has just begun!” The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors. (Stockholm Syndrome

4. It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

- The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
- The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
- Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
- The perceived inability to escape the situation

5. Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation – few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact that our cognitions don’t match, agree, or make sense when combined.

6. Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding – even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island – you bet!

7. Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser.

Wow, thanks. I needed a push in the right direction. I found out so much. I understand so much more now why I was/am feeling the way I do. It's amazing to understand your reactions when you have been confused by them for so long.

February 3, 2005
4:03 pm
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Cici
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What disturbs me, upon reading "The Loser" - is that I see that I had certain abusive tendencies. I definately guilt-tripped my ex and constantly reminded him of all the sacrifices I made to be with him, I did put him down all the time for his alcohol and drug problems and his refusal to deal with them....

In retrospect our relationship became mutually abusive. I am vengeful enough that I did try to hurt him back whenever he hurt me or left me for days on end to go on a binge.

I punched him in the face, I slapped him, too - when he hurt me I would just stoop to his level and do the same thing back.

I don't understand though - I am very kind and polite to others, usually. Our interactions were so crazed...

Was this just emotional self-defense? Or am I just as abusive as he is?

February 3, 2005
5:41 pm
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whitelight
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You were communicating in the only way you knew that you were not happy with his choices and behavior.

I don't think you were personally sinking to his level, you were just lowering your style of communication to his level in hopes that you would get thru to him

Self defense is a natural attribute that is present in most of us. You loved him and were trying (with a lot of effort!) to pull him up and out. Maybe trying to push him into being the kind of man you wanted him to be.

Maybe I'm just babbling here. You really found out a lot! You sound like someone who has a love of knowledge and understanding.

peace & protection over you.

February 4, 2005
9:50 am
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Cici
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thanks whitelight - your statement made an impact. it did put me at ease to find this information out, especially regarding stockholm syndrome, and it makes me want to do even more research. there seems to be no current therapeutic technique, other than cult deprogramming, which is pretty rough (have you seen "Holy Smoke"??).

I see so many women in these boards suffering out of a confused bonding to men ranging from emotionally inaccessible to physically abusive. Yet there seems to be few if any direct treatment options - we go to counseling, there is a long, drawn out process of no contact and detachment.

I think there could and should be more direct and aggressive treatment options.

February 4, 2005
9:27 pm
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whitelight
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Well, you're right! There should be something more. I know there are aversion therapies for people who are trying to quit smoking.

Maybe even hypnosis?

Does it seem crazy to you that it's the VICTIMS here (and elsewhere) who must struggle, go to therapy, etc. etc. and the perpatrators sometimes get justice, but most of the time nothing happens to them?

It's just so wrong....

My mom, who is into alternative religion, says, "we do not dwell in the realm of perfection. We dwell in the realm of growth and change."

I guess she's right, but it sure is stinky when the bad guys get away and away and away.

wl

February 5, 2005
9:20 am
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(((((cici)))))

I don't have any great wisdom, just know you are not alone, you are not at fault here, and you are doing a great job to heal yourself.

I wish you peace and strength...

February 5, 2005
9:31 am
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Anonymous
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Jesus Christ, the guy needs help. 10 years or life for breaking and entering? Are you mad. Stop thinking about yourself.

There are rational reason for everything. You let yourself become a victim because of your vulnerable actions.

The guy is crazy and he needs help. It doesn't help him by locking him up. Prison is worse than hell.

Just think of all the things you've done in your life. The devil thoughs that go through your head from time to time. Are they worth 10 years in prison?

February 6, 2005
12:34 am
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whitelight
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um, Jason, I don't think this is the man's first offence. In some states, it's three strikes and your out (life).

The charges, I believe, were burglary and battery, which is quite a bit more than breaking and entering. However, if someone breaks into my house, I am going to assume they mean to harm me and my family -- end of story for them!!!!!!!

February 7, 2005
10:30 am
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Cici
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He already spent 7 years in prison for burglary and kidnapping with a deadly weapon. 15 months of that was in solitary confinement.

Other pending charges against him include robbery and felony posession of cocaine.

I don't want to put him away for this long. It's the state attorney's office lead prosecutor who decided on the severity of the sentence - in FL we have a 10-20-life law, for repeat offenders (like my ex). FIrst violent crime is 10 year mandatory minimum, and we have an 85% law stating that all prisoners must serve 85% of their sentence before becoming eligible for parole.

In the 2 years since he has been out of prison he hasn't held a job for more than 2 months. He still lives with his mother. He has gotten 2 DUIs and his license was suspended. According to the lead prosecutor he is a danger to himself and society and at this point they no longer consider him eligible for rehabilitation. They simply think of him as a burden to society and someone who must be separated from society in order to keep themselves and everyone else safe.

He has had multiple, and I mean multiple opportunities to go to rehab, to change his life. He's been offered "help" on so many occassions. I tried. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, demanded, ordered, manipulated, cried, screamed, all trying to get him the HELP HE NEEDS.

He refused. over and over again he chose to hurt me and everyone else around him rather than take responsibility for his addiction and his rage issues. I can no longer be responsible for this man's terrible problems. I spent a lot of time, energy, and health trying to help him. He bit me over and over again.

I will not feel guilty any more for the decisions HE MADE.

I don't see how I let myself be a victim - I never asked him to break into my house or try to kill my best friend.

February 7, 2005
10:32 am
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So what day are you on of no contact?

February 7, 2005
12:39 pm
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whitelight
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Oh Cici! I hope this man is locked up for a long time. Paryers of protection over you & your friend.

February 7, 2005
2:12 pm
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Cici
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Today is day 28!

I almost ran into him last Friday, I was invited to a party, but two of my male friends walked up to my ex and said that they had invited me to the party and he left. Funny enough I never ended up even going to that party.

He was in prison for so long and it obviously didn't make him think twice about committing yet another violent crime that he knew would lead to further incarceration.

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