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update on breaking up - bmom74
July 29, 2007
6:17 pm
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AQueen
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Good job! Remember the books you are looking for can be found used on Amazon.com for a really good price. Check it out. I've bought books used on that site and they were fine. Just a little FYI. Keep up the good work. Remember it's not about how he should be grateful and all that, he is simply not governed by your set of morals. I had to realize than when dealing with my ex. I couldn't understand how anyone could behave the way he did.

After everything I did for him it was never enough. He was never grateful. I would never treat someone like that. I thought that all people were basically good people but I was wrong. These user's can talk a good game and act like they have the same belief system and set of morals but it's a lie.

They use people for their own benefit and when that person wants something in return they can't handle it. My ex would always say I'm trying blah blah blah. My dad simply will yell and say stop chewing my ear off even when you're not yelling, you are simply stating your feelings! He wants to run the show can't handle other people's wants, needs, wishes, feelings, etc.

I've completely cut off all communication with my father. I did that a little over a week ago. I blocked his numbers so he can't call my home. He can call the cell but he hasn't because he got the message most likely when he tried to call the house and found out he was blocked.

I've cut three people that were close to me out of my life over the past few months, my ex-one of close friend's-and my dad. It's hard but not impossiable to recover and I feel so much happier and healthier without those toxic people around or calling me. The ringing of the phone would make my stomach ache in anticipation of their calls. Stay strong.
AQueen

July 30, 2007
2:00 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. I have been feeling so strong the past few days but today am feeling a little down .. not sure why. I am not really obsessing or anything, just kind of tired and not all fiesty and angry like I was over the weekends. Is this just part of it ... hills and valleys?? Maybe it is just nothing more than plain old fatigue!

July 31, 2007
11:40 pm
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bmom74
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I got a call from his brother-in-law late last night telling me he would have more food money for me the end of the week. I asked him if he had any idea of a moving date for the ex yet and when he might take his son. He said he knew there was a "plan in place" but he thought the ex was waiting to talk to me until he knew the "plan" was definite ... in case it fell through. He said he thought the ex did not want me to tell me he was going to do something and then have it fall through and I would see him as a failure. His brother-in-law also said he was being seen as a jerk because he wanted the ex to take the kids and I was the bitch because of how I had treated the ex I guess this qualifies as contact but I thought it okay to ask when his son might be moving out.

I am letting you know this because at first I could feel myself starting to obsess over why he would not tell me anything or why I would be called the bitch. My stomach turned knots at the thought of him maybe permanently moving in with this woman.

But then I began to remember lots of things all of you have told me here and that I had learned at my Coda meetings. Six weeks ago I would have fallen apart but I was really okay today. I talked about it at the Coda meeting tonight, said I turned it over to my Higher Power and also reminded myself that what other people might think of me is none of my business. I also remembered cannot control what he does if he moves in permanently with her. The hardest part is thinking people are saying bad things about you. This is a toughthing to get your arms around ... not caring what other people think of you. I am used to people liking me and to hear I was being referred to negatively was very hurtful to say the least. The next time I talk to the brother-in-law it will only be about money or the move out date ... no other chit chat. I am doing so much better thanks, in large part, to all of you.

August 1, 2007
1:00 pm
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AQueen
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Keep up the CODA meeting, the no contact, posting on this site. You are doing much better. I'm happy that you decided to not allow his son to live with you this school year. He is the last tie and you needed to give up the whole "rescuing" thing as far as taking his son in because nobody wanted him. I've been in the same position, not with a child but with my ex. Nobody wanted him, no friends, no family, nothing. So me being the "hero" "doing the right thing" took him in.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen is out of your control as far as that childs future goes. You can't be there forever for him, it's not good for you or him. His dad needs to step up or make arrangements for him. I'm glad you are making this change, you'll be better off in the long run and so will he. Keep up the good work. Have a wonderful day!

August 4, 2007
8:04 am
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. Just wanted to check in. I have not posted much this week and I kind of miss you guys! I feel like I am doing so much better and have made so much progress. Thanks in very large part to you. I found myself thinking last night I had not even thought about the ex for a couple of days ... I never ever thought that would happen!

I guess maybe since I had not thought about him for a couple of days, maybe it caught up with me last night. I have been very busy at work this week and was pretty exhausted last night .. I came home and just "vegged" on the couch.. maybe what got my mind to working ...

One of the things I was thinking about... do users ever even miss what they once had?? Does the ex ever even miss the nice home and good life he had with me? Or, are they not capable of this? Do they just move onto the next person to use? For the majority of the time we lived here, we had a good life together and enjoyed each other. We spent many weekends with all of our kids combined watching movies, eating popcorn, going for walks ..Is he even capable of remembering that??

I know it is crazy. Believe me, I am not wanting to contact him or anything but I just wanted to throw this out there to get your wise advice. Like I said, I am really exhausted after working so much so maybe that is why I am wondering this crazy stuff. I know the bottom line is it does not matter because I need to move on and realize he was a loser. I need to admit I am powerless over this and turn it over to God. I thought I had moved on ... did any of you ever think you had moved on and then kind of had arelapse where you were thinking about him?

Plus, the anger between us is so strong ... sometimes hard to believe for two people that were supposedly "best friends."

I really am doing better. Is it normal to kind of "back track" and think about it sometimes like this??

August 5, 2007
6:06 pm
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PL
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Hi bmom74

I think it is only natural to sit and reflect. I often do it, we are only human and are asking a lot of ourselves if we believe we can block them from our thoughts all together.

It sounds like you shared some nice times together with your families. Even though he has moved on to somebody else he must miss that on some level. Like you say it shouldn't really matter but it does make you think how they can move on so easily.

Accepting that we are powerless over their behaviour and leaving the situation in the hands of God is a good way of thinking. Remember that releapses are only natural, but the fact that you are not wanting to contact him speaks volumes about your progress. I have back tracked many times and have become a little stronger with each relapse.

August 6, 2007
7:50 am
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bmom74
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Hi, PL. Thanks for the note and the kind words. It scares me to back track so that is why I posted. I never want to get in that situation again. I guess you are right in that it is only natural to reflect on it sometimes. I do not want to contact him, even through the reflection, because I never want to hurt that way again. When I go back and look at some of my early posts, it scares me.

I am trying so hard to work the twelve steps and I know one of them is admitting to God I am powerless and to ask him to take over my life. He has done that and I need to continue to allow him to do that.

I volunteered at a food pantry over the weekend. It is amazing how helping others can help. I am not a wealthy person but it sure opened my eyes this weekend that I am very fortunate and need to thank God for what I do have.

Thanks again. Your posts are always very comforting to me.

bmom

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