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update on breaking up - bmom74
July 12, 2007
1:53 pm
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AQueen
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You took a gamble. You kicked him out not because you were sick of his crap. No, you kicked him out in an attempt for him to see the light and love you and appreciate you. In your mind he would see how wonderful you are and apologize for everything and promise to be a new man blah blah blah and ask to have a second chance. This didn't happen. He has called your bluff, he knows you are full of it. He found that out the second you turned on that phone. He probably knows he can walk in and a make a few dozen empty promises and move back in no problem. He is making you suffer. Making you pay. Do you see this?

By showing up at the game when this is something he never did before knowing you would be there, he sure as hell didn't show up for his son's benefit. He is taunting you. He is serious messed up and childish. The whole smile while handing back the phone, I perceive that as a snide smile. I feel he thinks like this-Here's your phone back you gaming playing witch. I'm not going to let you control me with this phone please. He things you are playing games trying to make him love you which is true to some extent. I feel he is quite arrogent about the whole ordeal.

He sounds like a crappy father. I don't care if a child is a baby or a teen they still need parental involvement. He has put that responsiablity on you which is unfair and selfish. He plays on your pity. He knows you'll feel sorry for his son so you won't give him the boot. The child should be with his family. I know I know that he is unwanted and all that but it's really not your responsiablity. You need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Some starter's would be let others take care of their own responsiablities as a human being to provide for themelself and their family. The man that you kicked out is an adult capable of being responsiable and capable of raising his own son. It's not your responsiablity.

I will tell you some ways to make it a whole hell of a lot easier on yourself throughout this tough time--a support group for codependency and some counseling! It's like a drug addict that tries to quite drugs on their own, they usually can't because the urge to use is so great. They need some help and some support. Same thing with codependency. I'm serious you will feel so much better to share your problems and get some really good insight and help. Online stuff is great but it can't replace in person counseling and support groups. I go every single week and they help me stay strong and motivated to change.

The books I feel are essential to recovery from codependency especially in the beginning are-
Codependent No More by Beatty (sp?)
Boundaries by Townsend & McCloud
The Disease to Please ?

As codependents we often have either no boundaries or blurry boundaries at best. We take on too much. We say yes when we mean no. We are too available and too giving. We give and give and give our time and support and often money to others and leave ourselves bankrupt. Not in the financial sense although that can happen but in the spirtual and emotional sense.

We think that if we are so nice, so caring, so thoughtful, so willing, so supportive that people will love us and respect us. Often we are wrong because the people we get into relationships with are people we can help which translates into people that can use us. We are caretakers and we seek people that need caretaking. People that aren't responsiable and that can't seem to quit make it in life without leeching of another person. They aren't self sufficent and they aren't grateful.

I seriously recommend counseling. It will help you so much and you will really be on a path of self discovery and wellness. You will learn things about yourself that caused you to become codependent in the first place. You will learn to have more self esteem, self respect, better judgement when it comes to men, healthy boundaries, how to handle cravings for this guy and so much more. I wouldn't recommend something if I hadn't tried it myself and had success. I love counseling. I love the insight and answers I get from counseling. Sometimes it's tough but nothing I can't handle and in the end of the session I feel better. Growing is painful at times. Someone said it's like when we were young and had growing pains well it's like that in every stage of growth especially emotional and spiritual.

When I say spriritual I'm not talking about religion of God. No, spirituality is something very different. That word made me sooooooo uncomfortable for a long time because I totally lacked any kind of spirtuality. Support groups will give you a sense of not being alone and isolated.

You'll meet woman that have been where you've been and made it. You will meet others to share in the struggle with you. I advise you not to exchange numbers at meetings because in codependency we tend to get too involved in others stuff sometimes and you don't need someone else's problems stressing you out. This is kind advice that was given to me by my counselor and I'm so thankful.

We want to associate with people that are living in the solution not living in the problem. People that don't just complain complain complain but actually take action and change their lives for the better. You will meet people at different stages of recovery and wellness. Not everyone is ready to take the same steps at the same time so keep that in mind.

Go to meeting and share and get to know people. Many times after the meeting people go for coffee or dessert so they can socialize more. This is good and you can make friends there. Just remember no phone numbers especially in the first 6 months to a year. You need to establish some good boundaries before you really get to know others outside the groups so you can disengage is someone turns out to be living in the problem instead of the solution.

If you do exchange numbers do so only with people that are really successful at their recovery from codependency and have something to offer in terms of advice and support and guidance. Remember that in early recovery from codependency we have to be kinda selfish and this feels weird to us because we are used to being so giving.

We have to make time to attend support groups and we have to make time to go to counseling. We might have to tell others we can't do something they want us to do so we can attend the meeting, that's okay. Your counseling and support groups will help keep you sane and they are important. You are important and worth the investment. It's time to invest in ourselves instead of helping others that don't appreciate us.

I never knew why I ended up in relationship with my ex. I was seeking something to take care of because I didn't want to focus on really caring for myself in the emotional sense. I felt needed and wanted.I was needed and wanted for the wrong reasons and that hurt. It hurt bad. He was a taker and I was a giver so the relationship was perfect for him but for me it left empty and hurt.

This man doesn't care for your needs and he doesn't respect you. He isn't grateful and he's not a nice man. I don't care how nice he's acting now it's an act remember that. Remember his true self. Remember him saying you weren't attractive. Remember him not caring for you enough to commit to a relationship but wanting to use you for a place to live and for food to eat and for sex when he wanted it. He is cruel. He isn't caring. Look at the example he's setting for his children. He's dysfunctional. He isn't healthy, I'm not talking physical here. He's toxic like poison. So let's think of something you can do in the next seven days that will help you feel better. Are you open counseling and how do you feel about looking for a counselor during the next week? It's time to start living in the solution instead of living in the problem.

AQueen

July 12, 2007
3:37 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks everyone. I apologize if it seems like I am not trying to help myself. Frankly, I really thought it was helping just posting here. Your feedback has been extremely helpful to me. It has only been two weeks since this whole thing happened ...so, yes, I guess I am still in the stages of wanting him back but I am also learning I am codependent and he is not a good person for me. Perhaps it is taking me a little longer than most but the hurt is still very real for me.

Yes, I am seeing a therapist and I have looked on the Internet for Coda meetings and will plan to attend one.

July 12, 2007
4:14 pm
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taj64
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Can I ask again, were you truly a couple with this "ex". I think I am confused, was he your boyfriend and partner or was he just a roommate. I forget.

July 12, 2007
4:49 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, Taj. No, he is not really an "ex." I just was trying to find a word to refer to him. He always said we were just roommates. However, except for a couple of dates I had during the almost year, neither one of us ever dated anyone else. We were also intimate occasionally, maybe once per month, maybe more. We were on the same cell phone plan, shared the same insurance policies and went to all family functions together. He even got me a diamond necklace for Christmas but we were still always just friends. Sorry for the confusion.

I am setting here about ready to smack myself now. I just got the cell phone bill and I was going over the calls he made during the week he had the phone. It is making me all upset again ... I simply have to stop this.

July 12, 2007
5:03 pm
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taj64
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Ok i just needed to know because at some points or posts it seems as if this guy was truly a guy you were in a couple relationship and I did not think that was the case. I have a good memory most of the time. Just give it mroe time. I know it seems repetive like it is going no where, and the smallest things that comes up that has to do with him is going to cause you to stir up with emotions. But like this hurt being a process so are all the little things that come up are going to bother you and be intensified. When you start feeling better, and you will, believe it, these issues where he is concerned will fade away too. He won't be on the next phone bill right? He is off the insurance. You won't have any trail of him. Every little things that gets off this list will help you in the long run. Erase phone numbers when you can. If it too hard, then too hard. Erase email and if you cannot do this, I would put everything in a box and put it away on a shelf. Dont torture yourself as you need this time to heal. Get it out later if you feel like it but not now, not while you hurt like this. Try to pamer yourself more, even if it doesn't feel great right now, it will feel better as time goes on. As far as the relationship, no matter who is was to you, it still is real for you so be real yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, and have feelings so they just need to be felt and let them go where they may go.

July 12, 2007
5:17 pm
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bmom74
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No, he will not be on the next cell phone bill and he is no longer on my insurance policy so the ties are basically broken. I was going over the cell phone bill today though and noticed he called this woman many times the week after we had the argument. The gal that sets next to me at work said my mood completely changed. I simply have to break this cycle. The pain is just horrendous. I did find a Coda meeting going on tonight actually after work so I think I will go. I have to before I lose my mind. Everytime I see him, he is alone so I had myself convinced he did not have a girlfriend, but now I see he talked to her quite abit that week he first moved out. Of course, I had the phone turned off after that so that is a good thing. I cannot go crazy next month. I just feel I will never get over this pain.

July 12, 2007
6:10 pm
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PL
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bmom74 - You will get over this pain, Im sure even though you can't imagine it now. The no contact will ensure you gain less information on him which will result in less hurt. No contact will make you feel stronger. Like is mentioned in the no contact thread the healing clock starts ticking from the first moment of no contact.

Im so glad you got the phone back from him. Just remember that while you were distraught at the thought of turning his phone off he was calling another woman from it. Use this thought to keep you angry and focused.

Try to keep busy, keep posting. I hope your date is a nice distraction and helps you realise that there is so much more to life than this man.

July 12, 2007
6:23 pm
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Honolulugal
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Oh, Bmom,

I've been reading along and can feel your pain.

Taj's last post makes great sense to me. It IS real for you, so let it be real. You have a much harder task than a lot of us, due to your compassionate nature regarding his son.

So, face the fact that it will be a hard row for you to hoe. Keep at it. You are doing everything right. Most of us have been through your type of pain and are here because of it.

Personally, by BF of 10 years and I broke up last June. I spent LOTS and LOTS of time on this board and threads just talking about it with everyone. It does give great comfort. Also, take comfort in the fact that you are a good woman. He's probably a good man in some ways. After all, you had a close friendship for a long time. He's been less than honest, however, and that doesn't bode well for the future. Someone always loves the most in a relationship, and someone, the least. That's the way it is. Try to come to terms with that idea. Sucks, I know, but I've found that I MUST be the one who loves the most, otherwise I'm bored and snappy and the poor guy suffers. It's just my personality.

It always helped me to think in terms of the future. "It hurts now, but later it won't hurt as much." Having been through heartbreak a few times before, I know this to be true. The first real heartbreak took me 2 YEARS to get over. Cripes! However, that's also because these boards weren't here in 1991! There's a reason for the saying "time heals all wounds" (or wounds all heels!). It's so true.

In addition, I think PL said that he has feelings for you, still, whatever those may be. That's a comfort, too. If you can get him out of your head in the "boyfriend" attitude, you may indeed, be able to be friends at some future point. Just no more doormat behavior, 'K? You're doing all the right things. Avoid, avoid, avoid, at least til you're sure you can handle. My 1991 heartbreak? The jerk started calling me again, right after the 2 year mark. Asking me to lunch/drinks, etc. I never ONCE answered the phone or returned calls as I couldn't trust myself. Proud of that one, I tell ya!

I was sure when current ex and I broke up last year, that my guy still loved me - Indeed had only loved me. I FELT it. He's bi-polar and a narcissist too, so I got fed up. Nevertheless, 10 months after the breakup (I tried to make him jealous and succeeded), he came back. He's not back in my heart, but we see each other at least once a week now. He's also one of my best friends - there's history, ya know? That's hard to kill off.

I don't recommend holding false hope, but truly, anything CAN happen. What's different for me, now? I have learned oodles about myself and his behavior and I'm NOT falling for any charm-talk now. I've set boundaries that ain't movin' and so far (it's been about 2 mos.), all's well. My coda tendencies are in check, at least as much as I can check them. It's working!

But, my dear, the crazies come at ya from all sides. The tears, pain and hopelessness will strike when least expected, just like mourning the death of a loved one, so surrender when you must.

There is NO TIMETABLE to this, so don't compare to others....just keep talking and posting. That's going to help you a lot, if you are anything like me.

H-gal

July 13, 2007
10:11 am
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lettingo
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The longer you check up on his stuff (i.e. cell phone calls) and have any contact with him the longer you will remain in pain. You will get there it just takes time and NO CONTACT.

July 13, 2007
10:38 am
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bmom74
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Thanks for the notes everyone. You are right Honolulu, the crazies come from every direction. I did go to my first Coda meeting last night. It was a small group, just about six women. It was very comforting to hear these other women talk about their experiences and for me to see they were professional women who had been called crazy in their lives as well and had also felt crazy. I stayed after the meeting and a couple of them really talked to me. I told them I had been posting here and trying so hard for the no contact thing but the pain was just overwhelming sometimes and that, for the most part, I was overwhelmed most of the time. I told them without actually coming right out and saying it, I have been begging anyone who will listen to help me and now realize it is me who has to help myself. I am going to begin working the 12 step program but it is going to be hard. I am starting my third day of no contact so that is a good thing.

PL, I really appreciated your comment about while I was stressing over the cell phone, he was calling this other woman. It really hit home. I had not thought of that.

I feel better today because I know I have taken steps to try to get better, but the pain and hurt of missing him is still there. I am trying to get those obsessive thoughts out of my head.

July 13, 2007
10:47 am
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lettingo
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bmom74,
Congrats!!! You have taken excellent steps towards recovery. You should be very proud of yourself. I love CodA! Good for you.

July 13, 2007
12:10 pm
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AQueen
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I'm soooooooooooooo proud of you for attending your first CODA meeting! In person support is excellent and will help you stay strong. I couldn't stay firm with my ex if I didn't have my weekly support groups and counseling. I'm happy you're seeking counseling too. You are taking the steps needed to recover from this pain known as codependency. You are living in the solution instead of living in the problem, give yourself a pat on the back for me!

No contact really helps with the crazies because you have time to reflect on the whole ordeal. I'll tell you some things that have worked and haven't worked for me. Okay when I listened to sad songs and thought about "losing" him and what could've been I would get sad and start missing him. Then I realized that I was missing an illusion a fantasy. We weren't "in love." We didn't have a healthy relationship. We had toxic love. I was giving all the time and he was taking all the time.

Now once I started listening to upbeat music and thinking about all the cool things I'm planning on doing with my life I started feeling better. I started spoiling myself a bit by buying myself some little extra's. I moved into a new place and I've decorated it how I like it. I keep my place organzied and clean so I can keep my life organzied and clean. I eat better and focus on healthy foods. I exercise because it helps get me out of a funk and it's good for my health. It also makes me look better and that boosts my self esteem.

I keep a journal and when I've have a hard time and I miss him I write him a letter in my journal and never send it of course. It helps me vent and get it off my chest. I've noticed a pattern with the letter writing. Whenever he tries to make my feel sorry for him I usually do start feeling bad and write letters that express my sorrow over things ending and blah blah blah. In reality when I'm not feeling crazy and I'm sticking to no contact which is most of the time I feel pretty good about my decision. I've only seen my ex three times in four months.

I'm happy with my life. I'm happier alone I'll tell you that. Now that I know more about codependency and how codependents attract people that aren't good with personal responsiability and look for people to take care of them, well since I know all that I really feel our relationship was really unhealthy and sick. He needed to be taken care of and I needed to take care of someone. I wanted to change him and to fix him. That's the control part of codependency. I now realize I can only change myself.

Another thing that helps me is staying busy and not talking to other toxic people that aren't living in the solution. See when I talk to those types they ask about my ex and try to get me to complain about him and go on and on and I don't want to do that because it's unhealthy and it gets me thinking about him again.

I had to end a 7 year so called friendship because she was toxic to me. She complained all the time and never took responsiability for her behavior in the relationship. She was the perpetual victim. She never admitted that she was allowed people to take advantage of her. She never admitted that she might need some help because she kept attracting the same type of men over and over. It was always the other person's fault. I believe we all have a part in what goes wrong in a relationship. She either dated codependent men or she was codependent and dated men that were addicts or drunks that lacked responsiability to care for themselves.

She liked to talk on the phone about the shitty people in our lives and basically complain complain and make empty threats about what she was going to do to them to end the chaos. Ending my friendship with her was a really good thing for me. I don't focus on the problem so much. I focus on the solution and what it takes to make the solution work out. You will feel better but it takes work and effort.

Online support, in person support groups, working the steps, counseling, new hobbies, pampering yourself, ending other toxic relationships in your life, finding new friends, journaling, eating right, exercising, all these things have helped me so much. I need all those things in order to make it.

I look at life as an adventure now and I try something new at least once a week. I also relax and watch a movie on read a book weekly too. I'm an avid reader. Life is really too short to spend all of your time in a rut. You will get through this and be stronger and healthier than you were before the whole ordeal.

Keep going to the support groups and counseling because those will help you stay sane. That meeting sounds like it was a good fit for you since the women were all professionals like yourself. Sometimes we have to try a few different meetings before we find one that really suits us. Same thing with counselors, if you don't click with person then don't hesitate to find a new one. It takes a few appointments for me to see if I click with someone or not. Take care of you!
AQueen

July 13, 2007
12:14 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. Well, here I am again ... just felt the need to post. I know I am doing better by going to a Coda meeting last night and beginning to work the 12 steps ... but, for right now, I am setting here thinking it is hard for me to believe he does not care anything about me anymore. We were so close for so long. When he as in prison, I was the only one who wrote to him and the only one who went to see him. The night before he had to leave to go to prison, he showed up at my house at 1:00 in the morning because he was nervous I know and we talked through the night. While he was in prison, he called me probably three times per week. Now, it is all gone .... hard to believe. I know some of you are going to jump on me saying I just need to get over this but sometimes the hurt is just so damn real and it helps to post about it. We were such a major part of each other's lives for so long. He always told everyone I was his best friend and, honestly, I know some of you don't believe this, but I think I was. Like I said, I am in my third day of no contact so I know I will get stronger but, in the meantime, I cannot help but think how he quit caring and just went to a new woman ....

July 13, 2007
1:46 pm
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lettingo
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bmom74 these things take time. Everything you seem to write about is about what you did for him. When he was going to prison he showed at my house, I talked to him through the night you took his COLLECT calls from prision, etc. etc. What did this man offer you? Sometimes what we think is love and committment is actually addiction or obessive love stemming back from early childhood and has nothing to do with the person we are struggeling with. Please read some books on this. Some great ones are "Women who Love to Much", awesome book, "How to Break and Addiction to a Perso", "Abandonement to Healing". Personally, I think you are dealing more with addiction to the relationship dance. Not sure if that makes sense but if you read some of these books it will. Also, just because you are jealous and feel rejected doesn't = Love.

July 13, 2007
4:49 pm
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PL
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Hi bmom74

Congrats on the no contact and attending the coda meeting. You mentioned you were starting the 12 steps, what does it entail? I've read about it a lot on posts but have never come across it.

The feelings and experiences you have shared with this man were very real for you. You invested so much time and emotion into this man and he was a major part of your life. Even though you know the relationship was wrong it is not going to change how you are feeling right now. It would be great if we could switch our feelings off to these men but it's not that easy. hopefully with time and distance these feelings will fade.

Look how far you have come. He is no longer living with you and taking advantage. You are in day3 of no contact and you are attending coda meetings. You should give yourself a lot of credit. Would you have imagined you could have come so far a couple of months ago and survived it??? but you have so WELL DONE!!!

July 13, 2007
10:08 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks, PL. I am really, really trying ... tonight is hard because I keep wondering what he is doing. However, so much that you and others have said on this website have helped so much ... like what you said about me stressing over the cell phone and he was actually calling the other woman.

His son told me tonight his Dad plans to be at the baseball games tomorrow. I think he is determined to torture me. He has not been to one game all year and now has been there every night they have played the past week. It is like rubbing salt in the wound. I have to stay strong.

July 13, 2007
10:45 pm
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Honolulugal
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Of COURSE it helps to post! That's what it's all about.

Yes it is real. Very real. Time will tell what the outcome will be.

In the meantime, keep posting and talking, even if you repeat yourself over and over.

Believe me, when my exN called me in early May and asked if he could come over and see me, I couldn't have been more surprised if there was a volcano erupting in my bedroom!! So shocked was I...hard to explain.

I will say this: much will be revealed. No contact is a brilliant concept. He needs to know that you are taking back your power and you are no longer at his disposal.

This isn't the last of him. I always say that and it's usually right. Men seldom walk completely away from a good thing. Even if he was just a "user". You might do well to start considering what you will do in the future, should he change his mind and try to tap your friendship again.

What's up with your date? Still going?

H-gal

July 13, 2007
11:26 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, H-gal. Yes, I am going on the date tomorrow night. This is no one that is a potential love match but it will be something fun and that is what I am after right now. It also makes me feel good to know that someone even finds me attractive after what I have been through.

My son says I really do not have to go to the games tomorrow. I know some of you have said I should not let my son down by not going. However, the contact by him being there just reopens the wound. I love my son more than anything. He is my heart and soul and I don't want to let him down but how do I keep that wound from reopening if I go??

July 14, 2007
7:52 am
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taj64
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Listen you do NOT have to go to every game. I think your son knows you are there for him always, I think he knows deep inside that you do need to put yourself first even for the kids sometimes. You don't always needs to be the martyer. Unless you truly do want to run into him. I don't know what to tell you but I remember my duaghter's games and I tried to go to most of them. She did not seem to mind if I missed one or two. I think this is a mother thing going on that you feel you have to go to EVERY game. If you truly want to recover from this mess so that you truly are focused more on your kids, then you would do what you have to to stay away from this man. You are much good if you are sick and cannot take care of them. Don't be a martyer. Take care of your needs first so that you can give more to others.

July 14, 2007
10:04 am
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bmom74
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Hi, taj. Thanks for the note but I am not sure what I mean. How am I being a martyr??

July 14, 2007
1:27 pm
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I suggest getting the child out of your home, tell his sister of who ever is legally responsiable for the child that he needs to be out by the end of the summer. Don't be suprised if they ask why and don't be suprised if they tell you that you're selfish and rag on your a bit.

Stay strong and tell them that you need to really focus on your family and your needs right now and that you've helped as much as you can for now. Don't let them influence your decision to really cut all ties with him and his family. You might be comfortable being friends with the sister in year but right now it's not healthy for you to be connected in anyway to him and to your past with him.

I think that you shouldn't attend the games for awhile because it's not healthy for you to do so. It's like rubbing salt in a wound and stirs up a lot of emotions in you. You need time to heal, time to move on and get some distance so you can have a better perspective. I'm very proud of you for starting counseling and attending the CODA meeting. I don't know about you but I have a hard time accepting compliments and praise, weird huh?

Your son knows you love him and support him 100% so I think he'll understand your decision to stop showing up for his games for a little while. He might stop showing up to torture you if he believes you won't be attending the games anymore. He seems like such a jerk.

The whole "he's not my son" crap whenever people confront him about his lack of responsiablity for the boy is horriable. It's crap that he never showed up for the boys games all year long but now suddenly started once you kicked him out of your house. Think how his son must feel. I'm sure he know's his dad isn't showing up at the games to show support for him. No he's showing up to torture you and make you squirm. He is showing up to show you that he still has to the power to make you upset whenver he wants to make you feel upset. That's what I mean when I say take your power back. When recovering from these destructive relationships we have to start taking action instead of just reacting to this toxic person all the time. We need to take our power back not let them hurt is anymore.

I don't feel you're being a martyr (sp?) right now. A martyr would be someone who sets themself up to be hurt time and time again and complains about it but is unwilling to do anything. They act like they have to place themself in situations that end up hurting them because it's the right thing to do. Like poor me blah blah blah but I have to attend the game because I couldn't possiably let my son down. Being proactive would be telling your son that you're going through a tough time and that you're unable to attend the games for awhile but that you love him and wish him the best but this is something you must do for yourself right now.

This guy isn't your friend, he's not your lover, he's not your boyfriend, he's not your husband. He's a mean guy that is a user. I learned a lot in my domestic violence group last week about boundaries and how men seek out women like us.

We have blurry boundaries and tend to take on too much. They lack responsiablity and look for someone to take care of them. We take care of them and their needs because we feel loved or wanted at least when we are caretaking. We want them to appreciate us and to love us after all look at all we've done for them. Well they don't and won't appreciate us and love us. They have problems with responsiablity and intimacy. They don't want to face all their responsiablities because that would force them to be accountable and they don't want to do that when they can get someone to do it for them--us! They aren't accountable for their behavior because if they were they would have to deal with the behavior by changing or seeking help or moving on.

When we are caretaking we are focusing on their needs, issues, and problems and by doing that we don't have to focus on our inner most needs, issues, and problems. By taking on others needs we neglect our own. I've learned this through counseling and support groups and it's so true for codependents. Learning how we actually seek out these types makes sense. We reject normal healthy partners but fall head over heels for these unhealthy people.

I feel we are rehashing some old childhood roles in some sense. My dad was a alcoholic and power hungry controller. He was emotionally unavailable. I sought out men with addictions that had these sames issues. Why? Because it's familair and comfortable in weird way. I knew what to expect from someone like that. I had learned to adapt to living in that kind of environment so as an adult I make my own recreation of that toxic environment growing up. Have a nice weekend and stay strong!
AQueen

July 15, 2007
8:49 am
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PL
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Hi bmom74

How did your date go? hope you enjoyed yourself and was able to switch your thoughts off for a while.

Did you go to the game?

July 15, 2007
5:21 pm
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Hi, PL. No, I did not go to the game. It ended up being cancelled. But, even before that, I had aleady decided I was not going to go and my son was totally fine with that. So, now I am in my 5th day of no contact.

Yes, I went on my date. It was okay. I felt really uncomfortable but that was discomfort I brought on myself. My date was obviously interested in more than just friendship and I am not. I guess if it would have been my ex wanting to hold my hand and stuff, I would have been fine, but I just could not bring myself to be comfortable being close to anyone else. Silly I know because, remember, my ex and I were only just friends all along so this does not make alot of sense I guess ... except that I just am not ready to be close to anyone right now. Don't get me wrong, this was just a first date so it is not like the guy wanted to marry me or something. It is like my girlfriend said this morning ... unless I go out with someone who is gay, I am just going to have this I guess.

I have been thinking alot about the ex today but not obsessing ... just missing him. I am able to realize now though that I am being stupid because it is so toxic. I would not have realized that three weeks ago. Like I always say, baby steps.

July 15, 2007
6:13 pm
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Hi bmom74

Its only to be expected that you felt this way on your date, but at least you went, that is such a big step to take. Even though you say you were just friends with the ex in your mind and heart you were more.

Its great that you are now realizing that the relationship is toxic. Even though the game was cancelled it was such a positive decision to make about not going the game and proves how strong you are becoming. I believe no contact and distance gives us the ability to do this. Im on day 21 of no contact and am reallly missing him, but at the same time know that contact will take me right back to square one. I feel like Im in control now which has given me back some self respect. I hope you begin to feel like this soon. Like you say baby steps.

July 15, 2007
8:30 pm
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wow, PL, 21 days. That is awesome. Tell me something ... has he tried to contact you at all?? I have not had him try to contact me in the past five days but just hope I can stay strong if and when he does. On the other hand, the fact that he has not tried to contact me makes me sad in a way ... I know ... I am so wierd. He did have his daughter call my cell phone to find out what time the games were yesterday. She called my cell phone when they could have easily called the home phone and asked his son what time the games were. I am sure he probably had her do this so I will just know he is still "lurking" out there and can still has power over me ... it is all about the power.

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