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update on breaking up - bmom74
July 4, 2007
4:18 pm
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PL
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Hi bmom74

Yes I too have thought about ways to get him back, and have done stupid things like walk to his house late at night to see if anyones car is parked outside his house and tried to trace tel numbers I know he has called. But it just eats away at you and it is mentally tiring having these thoughts (although I still do have them). it is so much easier on your brain and your emotions to just let it go and think if he doesn't want to be with me then the doesn't want to be with me and nothing I think or do will change that. It can feel good just to accept this and give your brain a rest from all the negative thoughts.

I thought that was a really wise and brave decision you made not to spend time with his family, it would have been so easy just to accept but it would have set you right back.

I wouldn't be so sure that he was driving by your house to yell at you. I think that cutting his phone off has made him curious as this sounds like something he has thought you would never do. Men like these seem to respond when they are treated like this. Congratulations on reaching day 4 of no contact. Im on day8 and my emotions are ranging from anger to deep sadness. Good luck at the game.

July 4, 2007
5:02 pm
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Honolulugal
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Oh, Bmom, I sure know how you feel. The pragmatic mind versus the emotional one. Sooooo very hard.

It DOES get better and setting boundaries such as you did with the cell phone is a wonderful leap in the right direction.

I say, let yourself feel all of it. Don't expect a quick fix because there isn't one. We all try to think of ways to stay in contact, even when we know it's bad for us. We're nurturers, after all, so that's no surprise.

No contact really is the only way to go. Behind the scenes you might feel crummy, but no contact really gets the message across to them. It IS your final message. Don't be surprised if, as PL says, he becomes even more curious or tries to contact you. Some guys see N/C as a great new challenge!

You are doing everything right. One moment at a time...steel yourself for the ballgame. That could be a toughie. I'll be thinking of ya!

H-gal

July 4, 2007
8:22 pm
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bmom74
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Hi PL and Honolulugal. Thanks for the notes. Boy, do they help. Here it is the 4th of July evening and I am setting at my brother's on the computer while everyone else is watching fireworks. I just cannot get into it. He called today and was very nice. He asked if he had any mail and I said, yes, that I would send it with his son. We chatted a little and talked about the cell phone a little. He said he missed having it. When I told him I thought he woudl just go out and get another one, he said something like yel, right. I told him if he decided he wanted it on, he could talk to me about it. He said what did I mean as he did want it. I then said I had turned it off because I did not want him to think I was just trying to keep contact with him. He kind of laughed and I thought he was going to ask me to turn it on. However, then he said he was fine without it. It really made my heart skip to talk to him but, then I think about the new girlfriend. I almost called right then and just had the phone turned back on but I decided against it. I thought if he really wants it, he will talk to me about it. I am thinking now that he has mentioned it, he might come back and talk to me about it. Do you think I should turn it back on or not?? Normally, I would jump right away and do it but I am thinking waiting to see if he brings it up again is best.

PL, you are so inspirational to me sometimes ... I am so glad I am not the only one who does things like walks by his house at night and traces his phone numbers. Maybe I am not totally crazy after all.

Have a good holiday.

July 4, 2007
8:30 pm
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fantas
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Bmom, congratulations for keeping the no contact on your part. I think it's a good thing you told him that you turned off the phone because you didn't want him thinking you were trying to maintain contact. It makes him realize that you are serious and that you are letting him go. As for you turning on the phone, I would say, don't. Nothing else has changed in the relationship except that he called to ask for his mail. What would be the reason for you to turn on his phone? My advise is take the money you would use for the phone and go treat yourself to an all day spa:). Hang in there, you are doing really well!!

July 5, 2007
4:40 pm
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southernman
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I have been engaged for 2 months now and we have been "unengaged" twice already. I have been lied to many times and somehow i always find myself the one that has done something wrong. I looked in her cell phone and found she was talking with her dealer. I called her dad for advice. she went through my phone and came unglued. I am at a loss. I have been married before and always seem to be atracked to the wrong woman. I am engaged to someone that i love and know i can not marry. i suffer from depression and take meds for it. my doc tells me i am co-dep, like i did not know.

I am a male and feel like i need to fix it all. She has lied to me about other men. she has had cyber affairs. her cell phone is off limets to me. she txt messages all the time and i am not allowed to ask who she is talking to. she uses her cam when i am gone and no telling what she is doing. i have seen some im that let me know she is camming with some one or ones.

I have rambled enough. it feels good just to see how i feel on paper..

July 5, 2007
6:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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Southernman -

You know the Truth about this woman. So, why do you remain with her? Why would you even CONSIDER marrying someone with fidelity and intimacy issues? If you cannot trust her, there will NEVER be true intimacy between you. Your life with her would be filled with anguish, tension and betrayal.

I hope you can get into counseling for your codependency issues that you shared and focus on your own recovery, so that you can make healthier partner choices in the future.

- Ma Strong

July 6, 2007
6:15 pm
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PL
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Hi bmom74

Congratulations on sticking to no contact. I think it would be a huge step backward to turn the phone back on, as I was reading that I was thinking NO DON'T DO IT!!!!!! Remember you are in control now although I know its hard when your emotions start to take over. But remember You made a stand with the phone, he knows you mean business. If you turn the phone back on I think he will see this as you wavering.

It is hard hearing their voice again after a period of no contact, I have cracked so many times and let things go back to the way they were when I have contacted him again. You are doing so well, keep it up. Let us know how the game goes I will be thinking about you.

July 7, 2007
11:22 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks, PL. I am not sure I am doing so well tonight. He did come to the baseball game last night. I was setting on the bleachers and at first he just stood on the other side of the dugout. I saw him there but just kept watching the game and tried very, very hard not to watch him. After about 30 minutes, he came over to the bleachers and asked if there was room to sit down by me. His 10 year old daughter was with him and I said it was fine. We talked throughout the whole game but it was just about the baseball game itself. At one point when he did get up and walk away for awhile, his daughter stayed setting with me ... wanted to show me how she had painted her fingernails, talked to me about her summer activities, etc. As I have told you before, I have about half raised this child while he was in prison so it was nice to see her and talk with her. I could feel his stare and that he kept looking at me several times during the night. This was hard because I wanted to just hug him and go back to the way things were but I knew I couldn't ... boy, was it hard. He hung around me the whole game. When we left, I just said bye and he said bye back and that was it.
The boys have more games tomorrow and I don't think he can probably be there because he typically works but not sure if he will try to stop by.

Then today I was out in my pool and the phone rang. It was his daughter wanting to know if she and a friend could come over and swim. I told her this was fine. It was actually good to have her here and my children, who are older, both came in suprrised to see her and hugged her. She went back and forth to the fridge and made herself comfortable just like she did when she stayed here every weekend. She showed her friend where the towels were and kind of showed her around the house since she has been here so much. While this was comforting, it also brought back alot of memories which was tough. He was working today but I kept hoping he might call to check on her but he didn't. I finally took her back to her aunt's house tonight (he is still trying to find a place so little kids are living with his sister while I have his teenage son) after she had been here about six hours. As I was coming back down the street, he was coming up the street. He stopped and rolled his window down and I told him I had just dropped her off. He asked where she had been (although it is almost impossible for me to believe he had not talked to his sister during the day and would know where she was as this is his typical behavior) and I said she had been at my house most of the day swimming. It looked like he was slightly annoyed for just a slight minute but then I told him she had called me and asked if she could come over. He then smiled and said thanks and we both drove on. I was so hoping he would come back tonight and ask me to go for ice cream or something but he didn't. Maybe his new "girlfriend" is off tonight and he is with her... these kinds of thoughts just eat me up. I hate these kinds of thoughts and wish I could get rid of them. Last night almost seemed like things were back to normal, and as many of you have experienced, I was hopeful he would come back even though I know it is not the best thing. Did I even "touch" him in his heart at all last night when I saw him??? The way I felt him stare at me, I felt like I did but then he has stayed away. Don't get me wrong, I know this is the right thing but it really hurts.

Oh ... one more thing ... he did suggest maybe his son could use the cell phone since he did not have one. I told him I was not going to let a teenager use it as I do not want to run over minutes. I told him my plan was just to turn it off and stick it in a drawer. He did not say anything and has not turned it back over to me. It is back on now because I found I could not terminate it without paying $250 to end the contract. However, I am not sure if he has used it or even realizes it is back on. At any rate, he still has it.

July 8, 2007
9:25 am
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PL
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Hi bmom74

I really felt for you when reading about seeing him at the game. It is so hard because you want him to try and initiate some kind of further contact with you but at the same time you know that it is not right. It is like a lose-lose situation, but it doesn't stop the hurting.

Reading between the lines it seems that he still has feelings for you and your lives are still intwined through his children, it sounds like you have a great relationship with them. Could you see yourself being friends with him at some point? or do you feel that it would just be too painful?

Those thoughts you had about the girlfriend are so like the thoughts I have, they make your stomach go into a knot and eat away at you. Are you certain that he is still with her and have you found out anything more about her?

Regarding the phone, I think I would ask if he could pass it back just incase he starts to use it again.

July 8, 2007
11:17 am
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bmom74
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Hi, PL. Your notes are so comforting and I appreciate them so much. You say reading between the lines it seems he might still have feelings for me. I almost "felt" this Friday night when he was there and it made me hopeful ... but like I said, no further contact from him. My heart breaks just writing about it. The way I caught him staring at me a few times and the way we talked, I just knew he still felt the way I did but I guess not ... there I go imagining again.

I don't know much else about the girlfriend. I do know he told his teenage son on Friday (the one who lives with me) that she was not his girlfriend but just a friend (that is what he always said about me though and we still were intimate from time to time). He said he was in the restaurant where his niece works telling her I had kicked him out and supposedly this woman, who is his niece's boss, overheard him and said he could stay with her as she had several teenagers living with her. He also told his son that he was not actually living with her but that rather he was living with a guy he knows named Robert who also lives over by this gal. I think he is probably still lying, but you know what?? I somehow get it twisted in my mind thinking that he must still care somewhat for me or why would he bother to lie?? He would just be straight up and say he is living with her whether I like it or not. Sick, huh??

As far as seeing the "girlfriend" (or whoever she is), no, I have not seen her and when I have run into him he has been alone. Having said that, I think she may work nights but not sure ... however, when I have run into him just once or twice during the day, he was alone as well. Remember how our extended families always spent the 4th of July together? Well, I did not go this year and I heard he was there alone and did not even participate, just sat in the house while everyone else was outside shooting off fireworks. I will admit this kind of made me wonder if she was his girlfriend as this is a time for couples to be together you know? There I go ... wishing again. I cannot keep twisting this in my mind. Even as I type this, my stomach is churning.

I just don't know if I can be friends with him or not. It is true our lives are so entertwined and I do love his kids but I also remember how he yelled at me that I was not attractive and that he did not love me, had never loved me and never would. This helps although I still miss him like crazy and want him back. I sooooo wanted him to come get me last night to go get ice cream (this is one of the things we used to do) but he didn't. I really thought we felt the same connection Friday night and he would come by, but I guess I am imagining. When he talked to me Friday night, he kept looking me right in the eye which is what he always did ... this gave me false hope.

As far as his daughter coming over, I cannot imagine he would not have talked to her about it and told her it was okay. They are very, very close and he discusses things with her like she is an adult. I am thinking she would not have called if she had really thought it would be a problem but I don't know that for sure. I am sure she must miss me, too, because as I said, for the time he was in prison, she spent at least two full weekends a month here and maybe more. It is hard on a 10 year old whose real mother is not around to break that tie. On Mother's Day, all of his kids wished me Happy Mother's Day and told me I was the closest thing to a Mother they had. So, I do not want to hurt them, but still at the same time, the ties with him hurt and make me hopeful which is bad.

I did meet someone else on the 4th at the picnic I went to. He has called and asked me out already for sometime this week. I will go because I just know I need to get out but there is no way I could ever really care about anyone right now. I have spent the last two weeks totally drained, crying and a mess so I know it is time for the next step which is getting out and just keeping myself busy... at least I hope I can be strong enough to do that. However,my insides are just empty. Have you had that feeling?? I am not capable of caring about anyone else right now. Even though I feel like I am progressing, I spend every waking minute wondering if he will call... obsessing.

July 8, 2007
2:15 pm
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PL
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bmom74

I can so relate to your situation. I know what its like to obsess all the time. I also understand what you mean about feeling empty. I can't imagine being close with anyone else but him and after all the drama it does leave you feeling like you have nothing left to give emotionaly to any one else. Im really glad you are going to go on the date. At times I've wished there has been somebody else to take my mind off him. I think it will be really good for you, go and have some fun.

I think he definitely knew his daughter was at your house, seems like he was just trying to play it casual pretending he knew nothing about it. You have been so good to his children, they must say nothing but good things to him about you as they obviously love you.

As for the girlfriend it doesn't sound like he is serious with her at all. You may be reading too much into it. They don't seem to be spending a lot of time together. It is good that you are also remembering the bad times too. Its so easy when we have time apart from them to forget about how the seperation came about.

Stay focused and go and have some fun on your date. I wonder how he will react when he finds out?????

July 9, 2007
10:10 am
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bmom74
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Hi, PL. You are just so wonderful to talk to. I just cannot tell you how much talking to you and others on this site has helped me. My heart still hurts but at least I am somewhat able to function which was something that was tough a couple of weeks ago.

I am not sure how he will react if he knows I have a date. He is not one to show much jealousy but he has never really had to before because he has always known he had me if you know what I mean. I could have gone out with anyone and he would still know he could reel me back in anytime. There were a couple of times when we lived together that he suspected I had gone out and I could tell it bugged him a little but he never in a million years would have admitted it. And, as always, he just reeled me back in when he was living there.

I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up. Just seeing him this weekend really made me want him to come back around but I cannot hope for that. Things won't be any different. The boys had baseball games again yesterday. I saw him pull in the parking lot for about 30 minutes and watch the game from there but then he just left. He works two jobs and he typically works on Sunday night so I am sure he did not have much time. Things were so nice when he actually came in the game on Friday night, I was hoping he would come in again yesterday, but like I said, he works on Sunday nights.

I know this sounds silly but the one thing that made me feel good about seeing him this weekend is that I felt like I looked good both times. Do you know how you just have some outfits you feel better in than others?? Both times I saw him I had outfits on I felt good in and I am glad.

So, what to do now??? I hear he has told his sister he will have all the kids out of her house by August 1st. However, I also hear he does not have a place to live yet. Could it be possible he would be moving in with this other woman?? I am already obsessing over this even though I think you might be right that I am making more of it than it is.

So what would you do now???

July 9, 2007
11:40 am
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AQueen
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Not to be mean but so what if you looked good, he doesn't find you attractive remember? Not everyone is going to think we are attractive. Not everyone is going to treat us the same way we treat them. That is a hard hard lesson to learn. I always thought if I was a decent human being that was caring and thoughtful I would get treated the same in return. WRONG.

What would I do now? Again, I'm not trying to be rude but I would get a life. Take your power back. Quit reacting to him all the time. He wasn't a friend to you, he used you, and was exceptionally cruel to you. That is not a friend. He's not your friend. He is someone that conned you and used you. I'm sure there were some good times. Hello- he couldn't act like a total ass all the time or you really would've shown him the door ages ago. These men are charmers. They are actors. They are players. Is he lying now about the girlfriend and stuff? Well past behavior dictates future behavior and so I would bet he is still up to his old tricks of lying and scamming.

I think he's trying to get in good with you so you'll continue to help him in order to be able to see him. It starts small like paying for a cell phone then it gets bigger and bigger. He wants a sugarmamma, you were his sugar mamma and he lost you so in turn he lost his meal ticket. He's going to turn up the charm to try to get that meal ticket back until he finds another woman that has more to offer than you. Someone that he can make a bigger profit off of. I've met come cool customers in my life and I've heard some horriable stories of men that treated women badly but your so called friend ranks as one of the worst in my eyes.

He pulled the love con. This is the worst con of all because it plays with a persons emotions.I have more respect for a hustler that says up front that they only care about material things and strike a deal with the woman to provide companionship and sex in return for material possessions. This guy was just a sleeze.

By engaging in a relationship like this you are degrading yourself. Like you are so pathetic that you have to pay someone to be with you. You basically paid to have this man's company. You paid all the bills and let him live for free. You funished him with a cell phone and god knows what else. You shouldn't have to pay for a man's affection.

I was feeling like I was missing my ex and then I saw him last Tuesday so he could have visitation with our son. My the end of the afternoon I realized I was crazy to miss him and I couldn't wait to get rid of him! He started acting like his old whiny self telling me how he needed my help to get himself together and that I should give him another chance.

He downplayed kidnapping our son back in March and said my Mom lied about being assaulted by him. He turned in the jerk he always was. Then asked me to come to an appointment with him on Friday because he needed help so I wanted him to get approved for benefits so I said I would accompany him to the interview. He stood me up and missed the appointment. He had the nerve to call me right when I got home and blamed me for his actions. He said he wouldn't have missed the appointment if I had picked him up. I said from where? You never asked me to pick you up. Then he asked me to get back in my car with our 8 month old son in the heat and drive back to the area to give him money!!! I said no way and hung up. He called yesterday asking me to take him out to eat and give him money. No mention of wanting to see our son. See I made the mistake of taking him out to eat each time we had visitation which has been two times now.

The first time it was the week of his birthday so I gave him $40 which is nothing. Well by taking him out to eat and giving him that money he got too comfortable and started up with his old shit again. I don't miss that man at all! I'm happy to be free from him. He's a user. He's ungrateful. He's a taker and never a giver. I supported his butt for years but I would never do it again. I told him my life has changed and it's pretty peaceful and stressfree and I like it that way.

I told him I don't want to be responsiable for a grown man anymore. I have one child and that's enough. He blames me for not being more involved in our son's life. It's his fault that he used drugs and got kicked out of my home for using. It's his fault he hasn't gotten his life together so he can share in the responsabilities of raising our son. His problems aren't mine to resolve.

I think I was missing him because I was conjuring up some fantasy or illusion of him that had NOTHING to do with reality. Once I was around him and he got comfortable like everything was like old times he started showing his true colors once again. I'm done with that crap. Ex's are ex's for a reason. I'm happy I only spent a same amount of time thinking all crazy about him like I was missing him and stuff. Talk about a waste of time. I've picked up some new hobbies in my life and I'm keeping busy with counseling and stuff. I've been building a life for myself that doesn't include him. I suggest you do the same.

Move on. Meet some new people. Read some books on codependency. The best are Codependent No More, this is the starter book when first learning about your codependency. THe Disease to Please, this is excellent. Boundaries, this is essential for recovering codependents. Women Who Love Too Much. Emotional Vampires. Great books. Instead of spending money or time thinking about some guy that played you for fool and used you for your money try counseling. I feel for codependents to really recover we have to address the core issues that cause us to develop these traits and seek out these sick relationships. I've learned that I imitated what I saw growing up.

My dad was a alcoholic and my mom was codependent. So I sought men that had addiction problems and I became codependent because that's what was familair and comfortable even though there was pain. The pain was familiar and oddly comforting in a way. My dad was unstable and emotionally unavailable so I sought men that were just like dad. Investing in ourselves is always a good investment. Counseling, support groups, books, new hobbies, spoiling ourselves, and so on. Focus on your instead of obsessing about him, you are obsessing about someone that doesn't find you attractive and isn't able to give you what you truely desire.
Have a good week.
AQueen
Sorry for the inproper paragraph structure. I don't spell check or set things up on this site. I just type and then go back and put spaces in so it's easier to read.

July 9, 2007
12:58 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, AQueen. Your note was up front and honest and definitely gave me something to think about. I did not realize it until I read it in your note that I was obsessing over him again. You are right. All I do is think about what his next move will be and whether or not he will come back.

I am reading. I read Women Who Love Too Much and am now on CoDependent No More. They are great books and, boy, do they ever describe me .... but I just can't quit obsessing over this. I feel energized after I read and then after awhile, go back to obsessing over how I can get him back.

It is so damn hard. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for your honesty. Hearing about your ex and how strong you are helped, too. There is hope.

July 9, 2007
1:24 pm
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bmom74
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After I read these posts this morning, I am really obsessed and worried about him moving in with this new woman he has met. I hear he will be moving August 1st but has not found a place yet. He has only known her six weeks and we were friends for 4 years. How could this happen?? I am obsessing but really do not even know if him living with her is a true possibility. I have never seen him with her but that doesn't mean anything ... here I go again ... obsessing!!!!!!! I just wish I could stop it immediately. It is so hard.

July 9, 2007
1:34 pm
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bmom74,
I think you need to get serious about having absolutely NO contact in any way. You started aout really strong and then next thing you are asking if you should turn his cell phone on again???? This is like an addiction and you have to stop taking little quantities of him because right now you need total abstience. NO "Friendly" conversations with him or anyone connected to him. You need to do this and build up some time. A book that helped me is called "Don't Call that Man". It will help with that addictive feeling and explain why you should stay away. WHY WHY would you want to keep playing with this relationship in any capacity after the way he treated you. YOU KNOW he is with another women. WHY would you WANT to hang onto to him if not for some need to continue this cycle. Your whole thing about your date and how you think he will react and that you looked good in your outfits is a huge flat that you are still hoping to keep this relationship alive. I do understand you want him to want you but you need to QUIT hoping to get back such a toxic man. Reading your posts the more you saw him the more you became obsessed and the more you wanted him back. I believe this is a form of addiction. Personally, I would stay single and work on the reasons you got into this relationship and why it is so hard to break from. I believe you will keep finding yourself in the same situation if you don't find the root causes. I agree with the ealier post, get on with your life. He's gotten on with his.

July 9, 2007
1:42 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks, lettingo. You are right. I was doing well in making progress and then seeing him again made me obsess again. I have always kind of obsessed over men but nothing and I mean nothing like this ... it hurts like hell. That should be enough to make me want to stop.

July 9, 2007
1:55 pm
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bmom74,
I really do know how painful this is. I am a classic relationship addict and I have know that deep deep pain of wanting someone who treated me like crap. I PROMISE it will get easier if you step back. Just try to get through a chunk of time. I stayed with my ex-h after so many lies and heartache. I just could not give up even after he lied, stole from me and betrayed me a million times. I just keep thinkg, this time will be different but it NEVER was. They don't change and the sooner you can free yourself from this the better off you will be. Every time you make contact with him you will have the stab in your heart and will have to go through the pain all over again!! It's not worth it. Just remember why this relationship ended in the first place. Keep busy and stay away from him in any capacity.

July 9, 2007
2:52 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks. I know ... I know logically what you are saying is true. The obsessing part of me keeps asking myself why didn't he love me?? If I am all these great things people say I am, why didn't he love me?? It is like a voice in my head I just can't get rid of. I keep wondering what I did wrong. Did you ever have this?

July 9, 2007
6:28 pm
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AQueen
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Stay away from this guy. It does seem like any contact with him is like poison. I could never move on especially in the beginning if I had to see "him" all the darn time. No way. That's impossiable. You are seeing him because you are getting something out of it. You are worried about him coming back and blah blah blah. Remember this wasn't a relationship. He wasn't your boyfriend. Hell he wasn't even your friend. He used you. You kicked him out because you didn't want to be used anymore. Will he come back, ummmm duhhhh......lol. If you agree to be his sugar mamma again and pay for everything he might come back. Do you want that? I get the feeling you kicked him out not because you were tired of being worked over and used. No, it seems you kicked him out in attempts to get him to see the light and suddenly love you or want to be with you. You want him to realize he's lost a good thing. He doesn't care. That's just it, he doesn't care.

Why wouldn't he want a girlfriend? You weren't his girlfriend and he wasn't attracted to you. It seems like you served a purpose but since you kicked him out he's dating and stuff. Something he couldn't really do openly before and keep a roof over his head. If the girlfriend doesn't work out and he's broke he may ask to come back. BUT things will be exactly the same if not worse because he'll have called your bluff. He'll think you're pathetic and weak.

Men want a challenge. If you are too available, too giving, too lovey dovey, to willing, too too too they get turned off. I've always been the one being pursued even my dingy user ex is the one that calls me and tries to get me back because I don't pursue guys. I've had a lot of male friends and I worked in the adult entertainment industry and I really got see how men worked. What turned them on and what turned them off. What they like in women and what makes them run.

I've met all types of guys. Guys looking for sugar mamma's, guys looking to be sugar daddy's, regular working guys, pimps, divorced men, men that cheat on their wives, all kinds of men. It doesn't make me an expert but I know that needy clingy desperate bend over backwards to please them isn't sexy. It seems you're trying to "punish" him for not liking you the way you cared for him by kicking him and hoping he'll see the light. Ask yourself what are your true motives with this whole kicking him out deal. I really don't think it's because you were fed up because a woman that's fed up is fed up. A woman that is trying to prove something or teach someone a lesson behaves like you are right now. I think the best thing you could do for you is to stay away from him and disengage from his family stuff. How can you ever expect to move on or to meet someone that actually thinks your attractive and likes you if you're all up in his family stuff like you're his woman--you're not!

I hate seeing women get taken like the way this guy has played you. When I was with my ex we were strung out pretty much the whole time we were together. It was the most toxic relationship I had ever been in. Once I got clean and started learning about codependency I started making changes in my life. My relationships before my ex weren't perfect. Usually I dated codependent men, weird huh? I didn't chase anyone though and I let them come to me each and everytime. My problem has always been getting them to move on once we break up! Why does his son have to live with you? Does he pay rent for his son? Why am I asking that questions as the answer is most likely no right? That's weird that his son is still there. He's made his responsiablity your responsiablity and your problem basically. Have you considered counseling? It would help you. I mean analyzing his every move and obsessing about him isn't going to help you. I'm serious, try a counselor. You have a lot to gain and nothing to lose. Good luck.

July 9, 2007
11:53 pm
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bmom74
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Tonight has been an awful night. I am trying so hard to be strong but tonight I fell apart completely. He asked his son who lives with me to pick up the rest of his stuff. As I was getting ready, he called his son to say he would just come by and get it himself. When he came in, he was very nice, carried my groceries in but also handed me back the cell phone. When i questioned why he did not want it anymore, he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled. His daughter came with him and wanted to eat dinner here as I had made tacos and she loves my tacos. I almost started to cry when he gave the phone back. This was the last real connection I had with him. There is no way now for me to even get in touch with him. I started to cry after he left and his son told me his Dad had told him last week that he felt badly about what happened and that he should not have used me like he did. He told his son he wants to apologize but things are still so volatile between us, he can't. He had already told his son he was going to give the phone back because he did not want me to feel he was using me anymore. I have cried tonight until I think i cannot cry anymore. Why??? His son is here, true, but he is a teenager and does not need me to work with his Dad to parent him so there are really no need for conversations there. My heart is broken once again. I could tell he was trying to be kind when he was here but it only hurt me more. What do I do?? I may never talk to him again now. I can't sleep and I cannot quit crying. I am sitting here sobbing which is so stupid ... it is not going to help anything. I know he is bad for me but the pain is so intense right now ... I am not sure I can get through it.

July 10, 2007
5:52 am
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PL
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Hi bmom74

Hope you are feeling a little better. I can relate to how you are feeling. I remember when I was handed my key back, I thought my heart would break. It was the ultimate kick in the teeth. It is like they are finally admitting that yes this is over. And even though we know that the relationship isn't right for us it doesn't stop the hurt.

If you look at the positives you could say that he is finally treating you with the respect that you deserve. He is acknowledging that he has treated you badly and apologising for this. He is handing back the phone, something that I thought he would not do. This is a huge step forward for you.

All of the advice you have received is very truthful and honest and you will probably read it and know that it is right, but it doesn't stop how you feel. I have been at that stage you are at now. Deep down we want them to miss us and realise and correct how badly they have treated us. We want them to come crawling back saying they will change. But instead they agree that yes it is probably best if we stay apart and do things like hand us our belongings back and it really hurts.

I don't think this is the last you will hear from him. As for the obsessing I know exactly what you mean. It is so hard getting them out of our minds when they have taken up so much of our lives.

I think no contact at the moment would be a good way forward. He knows he can call you at any time and you will speak to him. Try ignoring his calls, make yourself unavailable to him. Im on 2wks of no contact. It has not been easy but I am thinking a lot clearer and feel a lot stronger. Give it a try.

As for the girlfriend I would be very suprised if they were as serious as you are thinking. Try to stay strong and keep us posted.

July 10, 2007
7:08 am
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taj64
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You are only hurting yourself by having him part of your family. He is not your family. In your case cold turkey is what I recommend. He is actually doing you a favor by leaving. Your heart is broken because you are letting it be broken time and time. He isn't doing it, you are, take responsibility for your pain. Be proactive and stop the insanity. At first it is very difficult. But it gets better. I would see a therapist to help you deal with this. It is clearly a one-sided addictive love obsession. And when you take away the drug, the craving goes away. Take away your drug, this man and that mean cutting off his family. I know you care about them but they are away of keeping ties on this man who doesn't love you, doesn't even truly care or he would have left a long time ago. This new girlfriend, it is not your business. This man clearly has his own life to lead. Start living your life and open doors and slam this one shut. The pain is part of the process indeed and it is quite painful but it passes. It will lessen and takes a lot of time but each time you have anything to do with it it will set you back and make your pain worse. You have got to go on even if you do not feel like it right now. I wish you luck, cry a lot if you have to but get it out. Stop finding ways to be around him, he doesn't want you. Stop analyzing him and trying to see something that is not there. He is just another guy and not a "man". You deserve a real man. Not this worm.

July 10, 2007
10:17 am
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bmom74
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Today is better although I am still very sad. My Mom used to always say things look better in the sunlight and I have often thought through the years that she was right. However, my heart is still broken. yes, Yes, I know I need to take responsibility, I need to be proactive, blah, blah ... but sorry, it does not make it hurt any less and it helps me to write about it.

So, AQueen, I am ready for one of your honest posts... I need it right now!:)

July 10, 2007
10:50 am
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lettingo
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bmom74,
Unfotunately there is no real easy remedy for a heartbreak even if the guy was a jerk. The only thing that will help is time. I know that sucks but it's true. The best you can do for yourself is to start the no contact again and try to keep yourself busy and surrounded by people who love and support you. You WILL survive this!

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