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update on breaking up - bmom74
June 28, 2007
4:43 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. I actually had to stay home from work today. We had such a huge blow up last night that I did not sleep all night and woke up pretty much a mess. We had been arguing as you know and he was supposed to be moving out, however, we were still in the process. Last night I drove by a townhouse where I suspected he had been visiting and his car was outside. I left him a voicemail as I was leaving saying I was going home and throwing all his stuff outside. He had run into my daughter a few days ago, asked her to smooth things over but also told her she "might see some things" and that if she did, she should not tell her mother. This is what led me to believe he was seeing someone. I have never done this before ... but I came home and started throwing all of his clothes, papers, everything out in the driveway. To make it worse, it was raining so everything got wet. He came home shortly after and things just exploded. I went beserk asking him how he could do this to me,how he could lie, etc. He insisted he had not lied and that there was no girlfriend. He said this was the house of a guy friend of his and he had said what he did to my daughter as he was looking for apartments and did not want me to know. I was crying, screaming and out of control. I love this man so much and bottom line is he just does not love me back. My daughter came home and saw him screaming at me and proceeded to start hitting him! Her boyfriend had to pull her off of him. Keep in mind I am aprofessional woman with a good job and am highly thought of ... and I am a part of something like this! Anyway, obviously, it is completely over now. I am devastated. I am sure we will never be friends again and, while I know that is the best thing, it hurts like hell. The wierd thing is I always thought when he did move out that he would miss me, miss the nice home I provided for him and all that ... now IF he does have a girlfriend, he will not miss me at all ... this makes me very sad. He has always said no matter what we would be friends but I am sure he hates me now. Thanks for letting me vent. I am sure there will be more posts from me in the days to come as I begin to get over this.

June 28, 2007
5:36 pm
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lettingo
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You state "I am a part of something like this!" but you are just as responsible for the inappropriate behavior as he is. Matter of fact, you throwing his stuff out on the driveway in the rain probably didn't help. BELIEVE me I KNOW you are angry and I have gotten to that point with my ex but this is unhealty especially for your daughter. Also, it doesn't do anything but make you look crazy. You can't make someone miss you or be faithful or love you. It sucks and it hurts like hell but you can get through this. I thought my ex-h would choose me, his beautiful home and our life over drugs and not matter how many tantrums I had or how much I screamed and cried, or how many scenes I made, he still choose drugs over me. I too was devastated. I loved him but today I am happy and he sits in jail. Sometimes the best thing to do is LET GO. Know you deserve better for both you and your daughter.

June 28, 2007
5:38 pm
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nappy
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This is to much drama.

You said that he is suppose to be moving out but then again you is angry that he is moving out.

I don't understand. And then to have your daughter in this mess. That is not good either.

Right now you sound very confuse because you want to love and hate him at the same time. Then you want him to move out and still crawl back to you at the same time. I still don't understand.

You still wants to be friends with this person but is hurt if he don't want to be. I don't understand.

And then what did you accomplish by throwing his stuff out into the street? What if he did that to you.
Wouldn't you be angry? YES YOU WOULD.

You wrote:
"Keep in mind I am a professional woman with a good job and am highly thought of ... and I am a part of something like this!"
Why do you sound so shock?
Nappy!

June 28, 2007
6:12 pm
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bmom74
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I didn't mean I was not to blame for what happened last night. I actually meant can you believe I am a professional woman acting this crazy?? I know I was responsible for it. I never meant to imply I wasn't. Believe me, I realize I was crazy. To hear it reiterated from you is pretty tough but I know it is true.

June 28, 2007
6:34 pm
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fantas
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bmom, I am sorry for your aggravation. I know that feeling about being professional and being in drama. Trust one has nothing to do with anything. Many professionals are sitting in jail for all kinds of things not to mention those homeless in the streets because of drugs and other mental illnesses. Go easy on yourself. Rejection hurts the same regardless of who you are.

After reading all your other posts, I feel that you are not through with this man you are playing a mind game with him. You want him gone so he can miss you. You are trying to manipulate him into loving you. You gambled when you kicked him out and it didn't turn out the way you wanted. At the very least you know for sure where he stands now.

I have come to learn that my capacity to love is endless and I am so happy now that I have that feeling of love inside me. Now I am learning that not anyone I feel love for acknowledges it or even deserves it and that it's okay to love them from a distance because loving them makes me happy. I think this person does not acknowledge or even deserve to be loved by you. The loss is his not yours. You can transfer that love you feel to someone who is more deserving of it and who can love you back. So all is not lost.

I think you and your daughter should sit and talk about what she witnessed and let her know that it's not okay to behave that way. I am sure she was worried sick for you and may even affect how she relates to men.

Hang in there! Keep posting...

June 28, 2007
6:41 pm
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sad sack
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Dear bmom,

I am sorry about what happened and I truly feel that you are remorseful over your actions. You just lost total control. You snapped. It happened. Now you regret your actions.

You apparently had a lot of rage building up inside of you. This is not something that just happended because you saw his car in front of someone's home. You had to be pretty darn angry prior to the actual blow up.

I am not familiar with your story. Is this something that has happened before? Has your exh approached you since this incident? I get the feeling that you so regret your actions and would do anything to take them back.

I would suggest that you apologize to your exh. There was no reason to throw his possessions and important papers out in the driveway (on a rainy day, no less). Then I would head over to a counselor/therapist and work on your anger. You appear to be thinking very rationally (presently), but last night you were anything but. You need to explore the basis of your anger and better ways to express it. We all get angry from time to time, but we know, as adults, there are healthy ways to relieve it.

You come across as a very nice person who just had a very bad night. You are not crazy. You just lost control. DOn't beat yourself up. It may still be possible to repair the relationship with your exh. By that I mean, it may be still possible to maintain a civil relationship.

Good luck with everything. Please vent here when you need to. We are here to listen and offer support.

Sad

June 28, 2007
8:02 pm
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AQueen
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I don't think you should apologize, that's just opening the door for useless communication. I really hope you get the book Codependent No More and read it. I had no idea codependency had to do with control. Me controlling? NO WAY! Codependency is about control, weird huh? Read the book and it will all make sense. You want to make him love you, control. You want him to miss you or if he doesn't miss you at least miss the nice things you provided, control. You want him to not have girlfriend, control. He doesn't love you and it's interested in you in that way, that's truth and it's best if you accept it. I don't feel this man owes you a thing and you don't owe him a explanation either. What's done is done. You wanted more than he was willing to give. I would really consider investing in some counseling so you can get to the root of the real issue--why you are attracted to men that are clearly unavailable and not into you. Counseling would help you overcome those issues and move on to a healthier you. Try it! Counseling has helped me soooooooooo much.I've learned so much about myself. I've learned how I bought into the manipulation and lies my ex told me. I learned how I was addicted to caretaking, I was addicted to providing for my ex. I wanted to take care of him, baby him, coddle him, and all it did was bite me in the ass. He was disrespectful, manipulative, controlling in his own way, a liar, a cheater, a drug addict, and much more. I grew resentful because I wanted him to be sooooooo thankful and happy that I provided a nice life for him. When he wasn't I was upset. When he took advantage I grew angry and bitter when I had no one to blame but myself because I offered everything up on a plate for free. Come live with me, no money no problem! I'll take care of you. Of course I intended for him to do the right thing and get his act together and offer to pay rent and whatnot but not all people are wired like us. They don't share the same morals and beliefs. Let him go, let it all go. Seek some help. Get the Codependent No More book, it changed my life! Attend a CODA meeting or two. Get the book though, no joke. It's available on Amazon cheap. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.
AQueen

June 28, 2007
9:08 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks everyone. You are right, I am a very nice person who is very ashamed of herself right now. I do agree with AQueen though that it is probably best not to apologize as it will result in useless communication. I don't want to keep pestering him and have him feel I am just trying to keep the lines of communication open. You are so right, AQueen, I really wanted him to miss me when he finally left... and, now, after this, who would miss a crazy person like me??! At any rate, I really did not realize this was a form of control. I did just finish Women Who Love Too Much which was recommended by my counselor, and boy, does it every describe me! I plan to pick up CoDependent No More as well and make it my project for this weekend.

June 29, 2007
5:01 pm
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taj64
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You have now discovered just how much or deeply you act out of character you are. Of course you feel badly about it. It is done now. You cannot change it. But you change what you do from here on out. Yes i would read and read and just stay away from this guy. He is too much turmoil for you. YOu need a break, a clean break. If it was healthy you would not have participated in this. It is interfering with someone that just doesn't want it. It hurts like the devil but it will pass. Hold your head high, go on, this will pass. Give it lots and lots of time. I find it amazing just how far and how uncharacteristic people are and what they will do when in love with someone who isn't returning it or isn't available. I did some things that weren't me. And now that time has passed, I would never do those things again. Like running after him in the cold rain so I could stop him from leaving. Yeah right, like he was going to come back. We know, but we fight it anyway. Love can truly make you crazy. And after ya hit the bottom, you just gotta crawl back up. Law of gravity says so. Believe it.

June 29, 2007
5:10 pm
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lettingo
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Bmom74,
That is an excellent book!! Actually one of my favorites. There is another book called From Abadonement to Healing. I think it would really help. It's helped a lot of women on this site. I do understand now what you meant about being a professional and acting crazy. I too am a professional with a Master's Degree, in the corporate world but when I became crazy and jealous, I too would do the most crazy things especially when drinking. It is almost embarrassing to remember. I practically broke it my boyfriends house because he wouldn't open the door. This is after I caught him in bed with someone the week before and knew she was in there with him. I am lucky he didnt' call the police or I would have been hauled off to jail. Don't beat yourself up many of us have been there. Just move forward, get help, keep reading and keep posting.

June 30, 2007
12:54 pm
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bmom74
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hi, lettingo. I especially appreciate your story about almost breaking in to your boyfriend's home. I am sorry this happened to you but I must admit it helps to know I am not a total lost cause through all of this craziness. I am ashamed of my actions but I guess I need to not focus on that but just move on from here. He called yesterday asking if he had any mail and was very nice and told me he was sorry about a harsh exchange he had had with my son when he saw him out the night before. He then called later and apologized to my son. This makes it even harder. Of course, as you might suspect, I was a little hopeful after he called until my daughter told me she saw him driving down the street with another woman a few days ago. Then I spent the rest of the evening crying. I know all of you are right that I will get through this but boy I wish it was over now. I just want him to hurt and miss the friendship, too, but I guess that is the control again we are talking about. It is just too painful!!

July 1, 2007
5:09 am
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soapy41
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bmom,

Just to reiterate what has already been said, "matters of the heart never make any sense". Emotions can not be logically explained. We all have had moments/periods of insanity. (smile) Moving on is a process, just like it was a process when you entered into the relationship. It sounds like your pride has been bruised, but it too will heal. I think you know deep down that he doesn't want the same thing you want and that's alright. God gives us all the will and freedom of choice. Don't wish he will miss you and the relationship - wish that God will give you the strength to move forward with your life and value and cherish all that was good before this man and all that will be good after him. You are stronger than you think!

Work through the pain, don't wallow in it. It is good that you are reading motivating and uplifting books. You should also exercise/workup. These things are good for your endorphins and they help you to think with more clarity.

I wish you well and let us know how you are coming along.

July 1, 2007
11:03 am
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taj64
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Look at the whole scenario though. Know that just because he is nice it doesn't change much other than he is nice for that moment. You will be fine, give it time. Cry as much as you can, I find it to be helpful, gets it out of your system. You will be ok in time.

July 1, 2007
12:01 pm
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PL
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Hi bmom74

Hope you are feeling a little better. I understand completely what you are saying about doing crazy things that you would never have imagined yourself doing. My relationship has turned me from somebody with confidence and high self esteem into a jealous, paranoid wreck who has forgotton what it is like to be loved back by somebody and treated with respect.

I think after putting up with all that you have that he is lucky that all you did was throw his belongings out into the rain.

Hopefully one day we will be able to put all this madness behind us and return to the people that we once were.

Keep us posted on your progress!

July 1, 2007
1:54 pm
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bmom74
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okay, i feel kind of bad updating my posting all the time. It does not seem I am much help to anyone else on here but, obviously, I am not in a position to give any advice. Another update yesterday ... i ran into a mutual friend who told me ex roommate has a girlfriend and has already taken her to his sister's a number of times just in the past week. Even though he had been nice on Friday, needless to say, this devastated me. He is also living with her I guess. In the four years I have known him, he has not had a girlfriend. This is a first. I am told his children are around her and spend time with her. This is another blow because I am very close to his kids, especially his 11 year old daughter, and it makes me sad that she will not even miss me. While he was in prison, I half raised these kids helping his sister and had them probably 3 out of 4 weekends per month. I still have his oldest son and am not sure what will happen with that. I am not sure if I told you but I had put him on my cell phone plan a year ago when he moved in with me because he could not qualify for the credit for a phone. I have been told by a number of people, including this mutual friend yesterday, that I needed to shut his phone off so there would not still be a connection between us. I know this sounds silly but he really loved that phone. Of course when I bought it for him I got the one for him that had all the bells and whistles, took pictures, videos and got the plain one for myself. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself but, looking back, this is what I always did when it came to the two of us. So, I shut the phone off yesterday. I have not heard from him at all and there is no reason to, but it was the right thing to do wasn't it??

July 1, 2007
3:58 pm
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PL
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That was definitely the right thing to do. He is not worrying about your feelings so don't worry about his. This man does not appreciate anything that you have done for him. You have been too nice to this man for too long. He will know by your actions that you mean business. Why should he have the benefit of the phone that you payed for?

Try and put yourself first. Treat yourself to a new phone. Start doing all the things that you may have neglected whilst caught up in all this drama.

Don't feel bad about updating your post, we all learn from each others experiences, we are all in the same boat. I feel better getting everything off my chest on this site it can be very therapeutic. Don't forget you're not alone.

July 1, 2007
4:49 pm
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fantas
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bmom, Trust me, you are not a lone in putting a man first and yourself second. I have done some crazy things for men. I used to take the greyhound and spend the night going to visit this alcoholic looser. When I got there, I'd wait for hours for him to come pick me up, then I'd start apologizing for being upset that he was late. His house was like a pig sty, so I would clean it, do his laundry, by the way, he wanted his shirts handwashed, so I did. I cooked for him. Guess what he did, he'd wake up in the morning, go visit with his friends until it was time for him to go to work, he worked until 9pm. After work, he'd do to drink with this buddies and come home late. It never occured to me that I could pack my bags and leave while he was away galavanting. I just waited cos I loved him. So you are not a lone. He is not worth your time and effort though. Keep working on yourself and one day you will just not put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone. It will happen. Keep posting...

July 1, 2007
4:56 pm
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fantas
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Oh, did I mention that for 2 years, I called him long distance to wake him up every morning although he never bothered to call me at anytime. One time I called him and someone coughed in his bed but he explained that was just a friend and I bought it. He also cheated on me countless times but I forgave him because I was in love with him....Just writing about it, cracks me up..Hang in there.

July 2, 2007
12:40 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks PL and Fantas. Gosh, I hate to hear sad stories but, once again, it is nice to know I am not the only one who has ever had these feelings.

Just an update, I caught him driving by my house yesterday. I am not sure why but this was the first time I had seen him at all since I threw him out last week. I could feel hyim look at me but I just looked away and did not wave or anything. Maybe he was just ticked because I turned his cell phone off the day before. Then I was in the gas station this morning where we both frequest alot as it is near where I live. I was already inside and saw him pull in the parking lot but when he saw my car, he just circled the parking lot and left. I know it sounds silly but my heart kind of sank. I guess if he didn't come in, he must really hate me ... even though I know you are wondering why I really care if he does or not ... I wish I knew. I am trying to hard to understand. His cell phone is still turned off although I feel badly about that, too. This was the only phone he had and I know he really loved it but I also know I could not keep it just as a way of staying close to him. I think the thing I feel bad about is that I did not give him any notice the phone was going to be shut off.

July 2, 2007
1:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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You did the right thing, turning off that cell phone. REALITY TIME. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself. That includes providing his own phone service.

Don't feel guilty for drawing healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself, as well. You know the Truth about this man. You are facing it. That is SOOOO painful, so I applaud your courage. You are facing the pain and making positive, healthy decisions. It's hard because we grieve the loss of what we hoped we had (note: it was an ILLUSION because these toxic partners are incapable of returning our love) and we must lay down all FALSE HOPE that these selfish, unloving partners will ever change.

He used you, lied to you, cheated on you and took advantage of your kindness, your compassion and your caring. I believe that abusive users look for the most generous-hearted and giving partners. They have radar for us. They need what we have: the goodness, the love and the unselfishness which they, themselves, lack. Be kind to yourself. You are made of GOOD stuff, my friend.

- Ma Strong

July 2, 2007
3:43 pm
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lettingo
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bmom74, Hang in there. This is not easy! Many of use have been in your shoes and it takes time. Old feeling don't go away over night. I remember when I shut my ex-husband's cell off. CRIED my eyes out but knew I had to do it. And you know what? He got the phone put in his name and had it turned on. Wow, he really could survived without me. That was such a gerat eye opener! These man really can take care of themselves! No contact is the best because it will give you distance which will give you clarity. Still a broken heart takes times but you WILL survived and be stronger!!

July 2, 2007
4:29 pm
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fantas
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Bmom, Hang in there. I think he is finally getting the fact that you mean business. You will not enable him anymore. I would be willing to bet that he will come back apologizing and wishing to renew the friendship. Stay strong...

July 2, 2007
4:55 pm
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bmom74
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Thanks lettingo. I have cried my eyes out over this dumb cell phone. So far, he has not gotten one in his own name but I am sure he will. I have been told by the cell phone company that he cannot reactivate the phone he has because it was purchased on my account. He can only do it with my permission so he would have to talk to me about it and I am sure he would not do that. He also cannot transfer that number to another phone without my permission and tons of people have that number. I am guessing he will just get a whole new plan.

I am not sure if I told you but I caught him driving by the house yesterday. I did not even acknowledge him even though I could feel him looking at me. I am told he has a new girlfriend so not sure why he is still driving by my house. I am thinking he wanted to yell at me about the cell phone and I just did not give him a chance.

However, I must admit when I saw him drive out of the gas station this morning once he saw my car there, my heart hurt a little. Man, this is tough.

July 2, 2007
6:27 pm
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PL
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bmom74

I can understand how sad you feel when somebody who has been a huge part of your life now feels like a stranger. I know this relationship wasn't right but it doesn't stop the hurting.

You will hopefully reach a stage soon were you feel angry at all the things he has done to you (this is the stage Im at right now). I have wrote a list of all the things he has done to me and am reading it throughout the day to keep me angry which also keeps me strong. This was suggested in the no contact thread. It might help if you read this thread it really does fire you up.

July 3, 2007
4:29 pm
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bmom74
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Hi, everyone. What a wonderful website this is. I cannot begin to tell all of you how much you have helped me.

I will just take it a step at a time if he is at the ball games this weekend. It is going to be tough but one hour at a time, one minute at a time is all I can do.

The 4th hliday is tough because I have always spent it with his extended family. I have been invited to his family's house by his sister-in-law but I have chosen to accept another invitation instead. I just cannot stand to see him yet. It is hard though because it is a tradition for all of us to spend the 4th together. It will be hard for me not to think about it. It will also be hard for me to think of the new girlfriend taking my place there.

One thing I wanted to ask you ... even though he treated me terribly and, logically, I am better off without him, I am also obsessed with thinking of ways to try and get him back. Have you done this? It is tough to "turn my brain off" if you know what I mean. I think about it constantly. As I said before, I am in my 4th day of no contact so I am not acting on these obsessions but I find myself still driving by where he is living sometimes and it did not help that I caught him driving by my place, too. It just gives me hope when I know he probably just wnated to yell at me about turning his cell phone off. I just know it gets better ... it has to.

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