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Update of Lost Soul
April 11, 2000
7:19 am
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janes
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She will not hear you in her heart...she will only hear you with her ears.

April 13, 2000
12:21 am
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Jasmine
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lost soul,
I agree with janes. we all learn from parents since very young and things learnt at that time usually buried deep, very deep, inside our soul, which forms our character and how we are going to be in adult life. I think that's almost the most difficult things to change. No one wants to see their parents not getting along well, if they have a choice, but I guess the most important thing is that you let your daugther understand, rather than just feeling confused with your decision.

April 13, 2000
7:40 am
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hazza
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Hope,
how are you today honey?
HUGS
Hazza

April 13, 2000
8:45 am
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lost soul
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Hi, I am fine.thanks. Things look alright for the time being. since I am not working at the moment, Iam trying to "unwind".

April 13, 2000
9:05 am
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hazza
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good for you, do some stuff you enjoy and treat yourself!
haz

June 14, 2000
5:14 pm
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lost soul
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Hello to all my dear friends,
I am having my insomia again. I can sleep even after taking two sleeping pills. But don't get me wrong. These few months I have been geting on quite well. ( At least, that is just what I thought I have to do for myself.

I have visited this site quite oftenly, but due to my writing constrain, i am not able to provide any good"consoles"or "good sugguestions" So, I just read silencely and offer my blessing to you gals in my heart.

Espeially, these few friends I have to mention. Karin, hazza, janes, guest-guest, jasmine and brenda.

Do you know, the time now is 4.30 AM. What am suppose to do now when everybody is sleeping.

I am very cool at this moment but hope to just get a sleep.
A simple things seen so difficult to me.

I do not know how many of you will read this, but been able to write it out is a blessing to me already.

for those who will happen to read this. Thank you!!!

HOPE ALWAYS šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

June 14, 2000
8:38 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hello hope..

My thoughts are with you too...I'm glad you are taking time for yourself. This is so important. Thank you for remembering me...you have made me feel very special.

Blessings to you,

Karin

June 14, 2000
10:14 pm
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Jasmine
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hi, lost soul. it's good to hear form your again. I was suffering insomnia too.....about a month ago, but it's getting better now. I posted a thread asking about suggestions for insomnia, and I get a lot of suggestions. I tried them out and work quite well. hm........just relax. then you'll get a good nite's sleep. :> bless you! jasmine

June 14, 2000
11:27 pm
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lost soul, best of luck !! šŸ™‚ ..

the hail keeps striking, its a tough climb, my hands are bloody, my mouth parched (wow am i good at making myself look pitiable..hehe) ..
and... the slope is steep. i think i found a branch to hold on and push myself up further but just as i think i can trust it, it gives way and comes off in my hand and i barely manage to keep myself from hurtling down. sometimes i do, but by the time i regain my balance, i'm full of rage and anger at the world. Actually maybe at the branch but my anger is redirected at the world. I feel i'm stronger when i saw that i regained my balance, but no, its only for a short time, before i start to feel weak and bend down again to find a branch to help me. and it goes on ..

The wind is icy with the snow hitting on my face hard, i can hardly see through the storm. There's not only ice but rain too, making it slippery. i dont know whether i'll be sucessful or not. i just fear hurtling down and not know that i was at the bottom. My awareness (as they sanity) is the first i fear so much that i'll lose. If i loose my awareness i've lost everything. Still this awareness is what causes me pain. Its because of my awareness that i can see the slime i am in right now. I wonder though what would be better? To be in slime and not be aware of it, or to be in it but be oblivious of it ?

but right now, i'm aware of it, and its so bad, it eats at my legs, the stench is horrible. i wish i could be out of it ... its tough to walk in it. The slime wants me to be in it and it resists every movement i make to get out of it. It can hardly wait for me to get weary and fall into it, drown and touch my face too. But weary as my legs are, i atleast decide i'll keep trying as long as i'm aware of my bieng in it. Because i hate it so much !! I'll keep fighting it ! Even though it seems theres no progress! Coz there's no other way except to try šŸ™ ..!

*sigh* .. šŸ™ !!

June 15, 2000
8:34 am
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hazza
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HI Hope,
I am glad you are getting on okay.

I am sorry about the insomnia, don't worry it will pass!

I sometimes get it bad!

Do not drink caffeine at night! that is obvious really.

What helps me is to not try to go to sleep but to try to have a session of DEEP relaxation. get some tapes and headphones if you want to learn how to do it. Also when you are lying there take some deep breaths, it seems to get you yawning and then the whole sleep thing seems to start!

Have the thing that used to keep me awake was worrying that i was still awake!! Dont worry, your body actually gets a lot of what it gets from sleep through deep relaxation too, so if you lie down and really rest you wont feel so bad about being short on sleep.
Take care
Haz

June 15, 2000
8:52 pm
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TRosciano
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Please read my topic "It feels right" for some inspiration. I think that thread will shine some light on you. I wish you the best of luck!

June 16, 2000
12:53 am
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lost soul
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It's so strange, whenever I feel down, I will come here to pour out my feelings and I will receive some feed back from you gals.It tells me something,there are people who cares.

At this site, I can just be me. do not need to put on any "mask". do not have to pretend. Feels so comfortable to speak my mind.

Thank you for allowing me to do that.

June 16, 2000
3:30 am
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Jasmine
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lost soul,
do you have to put on your mask when you are out of here?
Jasmine

June 16, 2000
4:46 pm
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lost soul
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Well, Jasmine, the answer unfortunately is YES.

First of all, lets talk about at work. In the work places, you have to put on a "mask". If you are over- stress with work, you can't show your emotions because your boss won't like it. If you can't take anymore work from them due to the over work load from them already or start to say no.They will percieve you as been un co-operative. So, if you are unable to say yes to all the things they push to you. Out you go! Just like what have happened to me with my last job.

I am a victim.Sad right, but this is our culture.

I just find people like me better if I can say yes to them all the time. Then, I will have no problem.

I have to give in with most of my friends, family. Then they wil be happy.

In order to make them happy, I have to put on my "mask"

IS, like my leaving is for them not for myeslf.

June 18, 2000
11:43 am
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heartfelt
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Hope...found soul......choices, stay a victim or decide otherwise, yes easier said than done, but after your hearts chosen what you know to be true, you will heal, go on and be happy......To share from a male perspective, I stayed in a marriage for almost eighteen years, the last five "because of the children". The reality for me came when my heart knew I was doing my children more harm then good by staying in a relationship with their mother that was destined to fail. Talking, counseling, talking, on and on proved to be futile efforts, but we tried.....now 5 years later....I'm at peace, my daughters have left the custody of their mom to live with me, for the simple reason that I'm there for them. They feel and know safety, love and are growing with the insight of lessons they learned watching their parents problems evolve.....look for the beauty in the struggle..it will come. BE TRUE TO YOU AND WHAT'S IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR DAUGHTER, and maybe she'll grow up to not repeat the same cycle that has in affect transformed our living hell to living.

June 20, 2000
11:01 pm
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Jasmine
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the mask may protect you from attack to your true self temporarily, but in long term, you can't find true happiness without your true self. I know it's hard, very hard, but show your courage. you'll make it. Find yourself a living that you really want.

June 22, 2000
2:06 am
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Iris
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To kick him in the ass and to say he is a bastard and such things won't do any good,except releasing emotions (anger?). Remember that you loved this 'bastard' and remember that he is, and he will always be, the father of your daughter. Remember also that events in family are circular, which means that you BOTH have reciprocal part of these events. Suppose that your husband slaps you on the face everyday, who is responsible for such act? Both of you, because he wouldn't do it everyday if you didn't accept it the first and second time he did it. If this applys to a single event like this, it applys to other complex behaviors as well. What does this mean? It means two things: (1) you are partly responsible for the behaviors of your husband (this is not to blame but an attempt to understand our complex behavior), (2) both of you can and have a part for changing any behavior. YOU can change things if you decide you want to.

How to do this is the problem. Communication is the first step. Seems to me that both of you do not try to listen and communicate to each other. If you find it difficult, seek professional help.

Telling your daughter that not all men are like your husband sends a message to her that says something like this: "Your father is bad, the man who is your father, the one who loves you and the one whom you love, is bad. He is not like other men, he is probably the worst ..." Such messsage, I think, would make your daughter confused and anxious and may experience frustration and conflicts. I would suggest to accept her views, not as truth but as part of her belief system. The issue is not how she is viewing marriage and family now, but whether this view is going to be reinforced or extincted.

I hope you will be "found soul". Good Luck.

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