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Update of Lost Soul
April 2, 2000
10:29 pm
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lost soul
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Last friday was my last working day.I was so tensed especially the last week.It has affected my health badly.

I was so exhausted, I slept quite early the night. My husband came back about the same time, but he quietly went out again. Althought I was asleep,I knew he went out and came back around 5am.I asked him the following day why did he went out and he claimed that he went out to get supper.I knew its not true because he has "dressed up".

I suggested to go for a short trip with the family, as usual, he said that his has no interests.The excuses he gave is that his has no money. well, I am the one who is paying for the family trip all the time, what has to do with his "no money" excuses.

Sunday night he called back home to say that he will be coming home late again, around 11.30pm.He came back at 2.30am.

What am I doing with this man? Is he my husband? why is he doing all these harm to me?
I am trying very hard to get my life into the right perspective, instead of giving me the support, he is driving me to the wall.

I really pity myself.why am I always playing the role of a "victim"

April 3, 2000
8:40 am
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Jasmine
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oh, lost soul... maybe things are not so bad. maybe he haven't done what you were thinking. Don't worry about things that "appear / might be happening". most of the time, they won't happen at all.
Maybe you can do sth to relax...to relieve your stress from the work. Find some time to do sth you like to do....like make yourself a good meal, do some gardening, buy some food or clothes that you always want. maybe you put aside him first, have you ever ask yourself: what do I want at this very moment? be honest to yourself. what do I want??? what do I want???

YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT.
😉 Jasmine

April 3, 2000
9:47 am
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janes
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Why are you allowing him to do this to you?
Read this again...
WHY ARE YOU ALLOWING HIM TO DO THIS TO YOU?

Victims often choose this role. Unchoose it. You truly are the mistress of your own destiny. You can try to get him to do life your way or you can do your own life your way. He may or may not be there.

If he is choosing not to be part of the "family"...that is his choice. You can also choose to make the family important to you and act accordingly.

It is to bad he does not want to be the "man of the family"
This is not your fault. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is your responsibility to make sure you are healthy and happy. If he is not helping you to be healthyand happy... if he won't do counseling or listen to YOUR NEEDS..

FORGET HIM

Good Luck

Work on you ...be the best you that you can be.

If he is sneaking out at night...lock him out.

April 3, 2000
11:01 am
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Hi Hope,
i am so sorry this is continuing for you, but Janes is right. Until YOU stop it, it will happen again and again, I know it too well myself:)

As janes said, you must decide what you want. There is nothing to be gained in hoping that one day he will wake up and become the man you want him to be, it is very unlikely that will happen, as it is he can do what he likes and suffer nothing, so why is he gonna change?

I love the idea of locking him out! but i would be careful doing that unless you know he wont get violent.

You need to spend a few days thinking, hope.
Why are you putting up with this, are you afraid to find out the truth?
please sit down and ask yourself, what is it that is stopping you confronting him about his behaviour?

when you know what is stopping you then we can all work on the solution. Maybe you fear the truth? maybe you are worried about the kids? maybe..maybe...maybe... etc.

If it helps talk over your fears and thoughts with us here. But you will end up coming to the same conclusion i did when my partner was "cheating" on me with drink. I finally thought to myself, this is no way to live, i am making no progress. At least if i was to split with him, it would hurt but i would heal, this way i can see myself doing the same stuff for years and years with no change. That was when i confronted him and he had to make his choice. Even if he had chossen to leave, i would have been okay becuase ANYTHING was better than the denial i was in and the limbo of never having a proper relationship.

I really feel that if you made the choice to confront him, then at least you would know one way or the other and would be ablte to move on. But only you know if and when you are ready to make that choice. Take your time to think about what you want.

But i am damn sure that unless you demand a change in this, it will continue. The things that you want in your life will not just fall in your lap you have to demand them and go out and get them.

Just like when you want a new job. You have to look for one, read the papers make phone calls and so on. The same if you want your marriage to get back on track, you have to decide what you want and make it happen.

surely this man in your life is causing you more harm than good? at the moment he is hurting you not helping you? this will continue until YOU decide you have had enough.

Let me know what it is that is holding you back, hope. lets discuss what your fears are maybe that will help?
HUGS
Haz

April 5, 2000
1:36 am
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lost soul
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Hi all, thanks for responding to my thread.In fact I did read it once you posted, but i am not ready to talk about anything at this point of time.

Just like to let you all know that, I am fine.

Once again, thanks for sharing and wish you all the best.

Lost Soul / Hope

April 5, 2000
5:01 am
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hazza
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Hope,
It takes a while to confront these things I know,
You have to be ready and you have to be sure of what you want.
It is a very personal choice and all I can say is that i understand where you are at.
When you are ready to make some changes you will know, until then just do what feels right to you. We are here for you no matter what.
If it helps to have a good old moan with us when times are bad then do that, there is no pressure on you.
It took me a long time to digest what was happening in my life before I made some changes, it didn't happen overnight, but happened slowly as I thought about my life and gradually came to the conclusion that things needed to change. Only once I was comfortable with this fact could I stand up and make those changes, but I could only do it when I was ready. The same with you, when you are ready you will find the strength to make some changes, even small ones. Until then, no time is wasted, because you are dealing with a lot of stuff in you life right now and you are processing it all, the answers will come to you when you are ready. and if you feel like talking about it we are here, and if you are not ready to talk about it yet, we are still here!
Hugs
and I am glad you are still "HOPE" not only "LOST SOUL"!
Hazza

April 5, 2000
7:11 am
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lost soul
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Well, things isn't that bad compared to last year when i first visited this site.I really don't know where to begin & how to begin.
Not that I don't want to confront the true but I just don't want to dig at my own "wounds".You know what I mean?

Life has trained me to accept things as they are. I feel that the more I try to "shape"& "plan" my life, the more pressure and disapointment is what i will get.

I know I sounds very pessimistic at this point of time.

Hazza, thanks!

April 5, 2000
9:03 am
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hootie-hoo
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Lost Soul
You are not lost you just are not facing up. Look in the mirror & tell yourself that you are beautifully & wondderfully made. God made you this way! He loves you. Why don't you love you. Stop feeling sorry and take back your husband. Stand up a nd declare your family whole.

April 5, 2000
11:08 am
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Brenda
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What payoffs are you getting from staying with him?
IT takes two to relationship, and it takes one to understand their own personal payoffs, as bad as your relationship is, you dont want to move forward or change things, why?

April 6, 2000
8:38 am
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hazza
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Hey there Hope,
okay so life has trained you to accept things the way they are. so you say. Maybe you have been very unlucky, maybe you have gone about things the wrong way. But do you think that maybe you are scared to control your own life? maybe you are worried that if YOU make the choices in your life then you are to blame if they go wrong. Maybe by just letting life happen to you it is easier for you to deal with pain because you feel there was nothing you could do about it and you must just accept it?

Please realise that this way of thinking is a choice in itself, you are always in control whether you know it ofr not, so the way your life is is still down to you, its just because you arenot making a CONCIOUS choice you end up making your choices unconciously.

it is like the saying about an ostrich sticking his head in the sand, the bad things will still come and you are not prepared for them, and the good things come too but you don't seize the oppurtunity because you didn't see it coming!

it is hard to stand up and take control, but if you want to you can do it, it is only your negative thinking that tells you if you stand up tall in your life than bad things will happen. This is just your fear talking.

maybe you could break that fear down into easy peices. try taking charge of small areas of your life, you will grow the confidence to take it futher.
Start with small things, maybe just make the decision of what YOU want to do at the weekend and then go out and do it without wondering if other people "approve" of your choice. It can be very liberating.

No one is saying to you that you must do this or that, but when we see you hurting, we care and we want you to help yourself, that is all. i am glad things are better for you I would just like you to be able to make then even better for yourself and not be waiting for life to deal it out to you but for you to make yourself happy.
I think you are making a good start though, you come here and talk to us and that is you taking charge and caring for you emotional needs isn't it, see and this works out okay didn't it? nothing bad has happened because you choose to talk to us here and make yourself a little "you time"
so try not to beleive that negative self talk about bad things happening if you take charge. Good and bad things happen all the time, but when you make your own choices and stand up for what you want, you find that more good things happen than bad because you are chooing them, you wouldn't choose bad things for yourself would you? so trust yourself a little, take it slow and recognise negative talk for what it is,
there is no logical reason why you can't control your life and stop the problems happening, only fear is stopping you do it, but when the things in your life are worse than your fear, you will want to make those changes i am sure, nd you will be ablre to do that and no more bad things will happen just because youa re making choices yourself, there is no bad magic that wants to stop you taking charge, it is only your own fears of what will happen. is it not better to be part of the decision making process on your own life? things will happen anyway, you may as well be there when they do!
peace
Hazza

April 7, 2000
7:21 am
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lost soul
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Thanks Hazza, I felt your concerns.Its a blessing to me.

Well, yes, I did tried to change things in my life.And I can tell you that it's progressing.

As you are aware. Most of the time I tried not to sounds like a pathetic and sorry person. But, there are times when I have to let out my feelings,which I did.
And I am so thankful that I can share my feelings here.

Fear in me? I am not sure, maybe??? I think, I am more confused than fear. When I tried to reason out things with other, I am always perceived as being aggressive. When I tried to speak out, I was told that I have "changed to a different person".This has happened most of the time in my life.

I think people are more comfortable with the "submissive" me.

But, I am not going to live my life as a "submissive" person.

lost soul / Hope

April 7, 2000
7:38 am
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hazza
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Hope,
often when you stand up tall, people will say "oh you have changed"
but that is THEIR fear talking! they are worried about how the new you will affect them.
I have always found that if people say to me oh you have changed, i reply to them that i would be very worried if i had NOT changed, becuase life is continually changing and people are always growing. I would hate the thought that i had not made any growth over the years!
maybe when people say this to you, you can explain to them, that you need to make these changes to get yourself where you want to be in life, and reassure them that you are still the same person, but you have to try to find solutions in your life and this is all you are doing.
Confusion is always so difficult because it does stop us progressing, i think that fear is a part of it, whether you realise or not, because the confusion is there because you can sometime be afraid that you will do the wrong choice.
But Rome wasn't built in a day, and you do not need to be super assertive all at once! just practice thinking about your own needs too, and make enough steps in the right direstion all the time, gradually and comfortably you will get there, as will I!!!!
i too feel very sorry for myself at times, but because i have spent the last year making enough little steps, like you I am already a lot happier than i was a year ago. It is like the story of the tortoise and the hare. better to make steady progress in the right direction. I used to try to change everything overnight and i found that never worked, because it was changes in me i need to make and they take time. In a year from now i hope to be even better!
Looking at the things you have accomplished can help you continue to grow and see you own progress.
Best of luck to you
Hugs
Hazza
just moaning here really helps too, so always feel free to have a good old moan!

April 7, 2000
9:18 am
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lost soul
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Hazza, your words are so encouraging & reassuring.Yes, people are so defensive of our changes.(especially the abuser ) We need to growth right?

I also like to wish you all the best & i know that if there is a need to moan, this is the place where I can" mooooooan".

Cheers 🙂 Hope

April 7, 2000
1:15 pm
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lost soul
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Just that I am feeling happy, my stupic husband is coming back late again. The time now is 1.15 am. he told me that he will be back before twelve pm. and now he is nowhere to be seen. i have to keep paging him, and he is either not responding or says he is on his way.( on his waywill takes him a decade to reach home ) Someday, i will have to put a stop to this whole things. If is not because of my daughter, I would have throw him out of my house long time ago.

Stupic man!!!

He is such a pain in the ass!!!

April 7, 2000
4:21 pm
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hazza
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hey there hope,
have you tried not paging him and just getting on with your life?
spend a few days just thinking of you and your daughter?
Anyway, how can he be worth sticking with just because of your daughter? sounds like if he is a lousy husband, he can't have much time for your daughter either? how old is your daughter? do you want her to grow up thinking that it is okay for people to walk all over your feelings?
i know it is a lot to think about and it is easier to ignore it all i know, but sometimes we have to take charge you know? things will stay this way until YOU decide different wont they, decide on what you want and go for it. tell your hubby what you expect, and stick to it. even if you start slow and just explain that you need to take some time as a family together. I am sorry to be preaching at you but i care and i justwant to go kick his butt for you too!!!!
Hugs
Hazza

April 7, 2000
5:17 pm
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janes
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Ditto what Hazza said.

April 8, 2000
12:45 am
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lost soul
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Yes, deep down inside my heart I knew what is right & "healthy" for me to do. But, as I said, at this point of time. I don't want to hurt my daughter. She is eight years old.

If I am a thirth party viewing this whole situation. I would have ask the " lost soul " to get rid of this "cancer" out from her life and move on.

But the saying goes, " its easy said than done ". Well, I am feeling more prepare to face this whole trauma compare to last year. ( when I first found out his infidelity ) at that point of time, I felt hurt,sad,betrayed & depressed and lost.( that's why I have the name lost soul )

But today I don't feel that sad anymore,( maybe just a little ) He is a jerk.

I feel "parting" for us is a matter of time. There is no love between us now.I think is has long gone. Is just because of my "naive" nature that I am holding up this marriage.

He hasn't been treating me well for many many years. Anyway, we can go without "sex" for few months. And I know that is a big problem for husband & wife relationship.
Maybe he is staying because of our daughter. He told my in-law & one of my close friend about it last year.

April 8, 2000
8:32 am
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janes
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You need to realize that the situation has already hurt your daughter. She has learned that it is okay for a man to cheat on his wife and she has learned that marriage makes mommy sad. She couldn't tell you she has learned this. It is just inside, very deep.

Niether one of you has taught her this on purpose. As parents we never teach our kids negetive things on purpose. but we still allow them to be in situations that are not good for them.

It is the early lessons that are hardest to give up too.

One of my isx year old students has been trained by his grampa to "pee" in the woods. This is okay where no one can see you. It is not okay to do it right by the bus....It has taken us MONTHS to even make a dent!!!!

Lost soul...you are only lost if you choose to remain lost. You are becoming so much stronger than you were.

Think of it this way...if you feel a situation is not good for you personally as an adult...it is defintiely NOT GOOD for your daughter.

Good luck.

April 9, 2000
1:57 am
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lost soul
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Thanks, janes. I agreed with what you said. I think in the situation like this really take time to have it sort out.

April 9, 2000
8:40 am
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janes
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Yes it does take time. But remember, time is different to your daughter. She will only be a child for a short time. During that time she will be learning "How to be an adult, a wife,etc" from you and your husband.

So, while you two adults have "time" to sort out yoour problems...she has a limited amount of time to learn how to act like a grownup.

Whether you choose to stay with him or to leave you and your daughter should seek some counseling. She is not to young to share with a professional how she is feeling. This will also help set the stage for her to seek help later, when she is older, should she feel the need.

April 10, 2000
5:13 am
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hazza
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hi hope,
janes makes a valid point that the time is limited for your daughter. I know it is hard but she is right, the pain is already there for your daughter, i don't think you are protecting her in anyway now, by being in this situation. to take charge of the situation would mean change but that doesn't mean it would be more pain ful than staying in a wrong situation.
has your daughter wever talked to you about her feelings for you? or your husband? what does your daughter think about marriage? does your daughter want to get married when she is older? you could talk to your daughter about some of these issues and see if you think this is affecting her, just by asking some general questions like " do you want to get married" etc.
she is seeing her mother sad and angry all the time. I grew up with a mother who was sad and angry and bitter and all these things. I can tell you now. I saw that my mother had issues like these when i was FIVE yrs old, by the time i was eight, i had already come to the ALl the conclusions about my mother that the psychiatrists did later when she eventually had a breakdown.
Children understand more than we ever choose to remember that they do.
i would hazard a bet, that the relationship you have and will continue to have with your daughter is FAR more important that the reltaionship you have with this man. and although it is hard to be brave and make these changes, you are jeopodising the relationship between you and your daughter for the rest of your life, by staying this way.
no one is saying to you leave this bastard, although ideally that may be best (i don;t know, i am not you) but i am saying to you that you must face up to what is going on and stop ignoring it. Even if you just talk to your husband and find out what is going on, what are his motives for staying in this relationship? stuff like that, at least start to get a handle on the situation.
it is really hard, but i tell you, the way you are feeling now is worse than how you feel once you start to confront it, it was for me and most people i have talked to who have been in a similar postition
hugs
Hazza

April 10, 2000
7:23 am
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lost soul
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janes - Yes, I ageed that children always "suffer" when their parents can't get along. Children are innocence. That's the main reason why I choose to endure his nonsences. He adores our daughter. He might not be a good husband but he is a good father to our daughter.

I knew that if my daughter has a choice, she would prefer us to be "together" than divorce.

Hazza, you are right. When I first confronted my husband last year, my daughter was badly affected. She herself, said that she don't want to get marry when she grow up. i told her that not all men are like this.

Well, as for my husband, I don't know why he is staying in this marriage.But, my guess is because of our daughter. One thing that puzzle me is till today, he did not admit that he has ever betrayed me.

April 10, 2000
7:29 am
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hazza
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hi hope,
do you mean that you have talked today and he has now admitted it?
hazza

April 10, 2000
9:01 pm
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janes
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You can tell your daughter every day that all men are not like that...actions speak louder than words. If her own mother does not deserve better why should she?

April 11, 2000
1:50 am
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lost soul
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No, hazza he has never once admit that he has ever have an affair.
janes, thanks for your advise, I will tell ny daughter that not all men are like this.

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