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Update... I might see him today at church - reenforcements
February 22, 2004
5:59 am
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artist 2
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He would almost always read the front page section before giving me a chance.

In his free time, he would almost always spend it playing computer with his son.

He never sought out a baby sitter so we could go on a date.

In the past year, the number of dates we had alone I can count on my right hand.

Whenever we did go out together and there was a pretty woman present, he never even tried to disguise he was checking her out.

There were times I was crying like a baby and told him I needed a hug and he would refuse because I didn't ask nicely.

I promised if I paid for a certain bill he would clean the house on a regular basis. He never did.

He told me that maybe when I moved out it would help us gain some perspective on the relationship. Not once did he indicate that he was going to completely cut me off.

He could never seem to get close to me. His son was always an excuse. Poor little guy!

He promised to cook during the week and he broke that promise.

He would spend the grocery money I chipped in on stuff for his son.

He's 35 and still dependent on his parents.

He wasn't that good of a kisser.

He wasn't very intimate - did I already say that?

----------------------------

Okay to be fair, here are the good things I can think of:

He always had a smile for me.

He was incredibly patient.

He is really smart.

He does things for himself.

He is kind and caring.

He is sensuous.

He is putting himself through school.

He was pretty good in the sack - physically that is.

February 22, 2004
6:08 am
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silence
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become an atheist

February 22, 2004
6:24 am
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Kessie
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"Okay to be fair, here are the good things I can think of:"

He always had a smile for me.
Only a smile?

He was incredibly patient.
He could afford to be, sounds like you did most everything

He is really smart.
well, you got that right! He's had a slave all the time you were with him

He does things for himself.
But not for you

He is kind and caring.
(?)Er...sorry?...Just read the first lot of items you wrote!

He is sensuous.
So are lots of people*

He is putting himself through school.
What's that got to do with anything

He was pretty good in the sack - physically that is.
see* above

February 22, 2004
7:25 am
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artist 2
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Thanks Kessie. You're right. It was my mistake to put up with it for as long as I did. The only reason he's going to school is because I encouraged him to do it and not quit to become a policeman. Not that there's anything wrong with that....

February 22, 2004
7:34 am
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artist 2
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Kessie, hasn't even called me! I'm thinking about getting out there and dating - no relationships yet. What do you think?

February 22, 2004
7:44 am
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Kessie
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If you can keep away from him for long enough, you will get a different perspective on all this. As the craving fades, you will see things more objectively. Looking at what you write - it's obvious that your world revolves almost entirely around your thoughts of him, - am I right?

I was in the same position - idiotic though it was - for eighteen months with David. I put my life on hold for him. Put off things I should do because he wanted me there - put him before my friends, and to a certain extent my family: and for what? what did he ever do for me? virtually nothing. He made me feel special - for a very short time. Then - nothing.

That's the bottom line.

I know this sounds like I want to spoil things for you - but honestly I can see the similarities in our stories.

Start talking about yourself here - what YOU do, how YOU feel, YOUR goals and ambitions. GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

I look forward to reading about your projects!

Love Kx

February 22, 2004
7:49 am
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Kessie
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oops, crossed in the post!
Sounds like a good idea to me - widen your horizons. I dont know your circumstances - do you meet lost of people through work , church etc?

February 22, 2004
8:14 am
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Artist,,,Kessie is right on!!!

I need to list my husband's pros and cons and see what happens,,hmmm,,,,if I can think of any pros,,I'll be back *smile*!!!

February 22, 2004
9:23 am
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Zinnie
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Hey Artist,

Adding my 1 1/2 cents - like Kessie, and adding to her comments too...

Hi Kess!

************************
He would almost always read the front page section before giving me a chance. ***** No offense, but why is this a point of contention - what is the saying "don't sweat the small stuff?"

In his free time, he would almost always spend it playing computer with his son. ***** Just wondering, if this was YOUR son as well, how would you feel about the amount of time he spent with the boy?

He never sought out a baby sitter so we could go on a date. ***** Did you ever ask or suggest this to him?

In the past year, the number of dates we had alone I can count on my right hand. ***** Do you think he didn't do those things anymore because you were living with him?

Whenever we did go out together and there was a pretty woman present, he never even tried to disguise he was checking her out. ***** That is gross, no excuse for that.

There were times I was crying like a baby and told him I needed a hug and he would refuse because I didn't ask nicely. ***** What a guy.

I promised if I paid for a certain bill he would clean the house on a regular basis. He never did. ***** What a guy.

He told me that maybe when I moved out it would help us gain some perspective on the relationship. Not once did he indicate that he was going to completely cut me off. ***** I don't think this guy has clue one of what he wants.

He could never seem to get close to me. His son was always an excuse. Poor little guy! *****This kid has two parents that use him as an excuse for everything. I agree "poor little guy."

He promised to cook during the week and he broke that promise. ***** What a guy.

He would spend the grocery money I chipped in on stuff for his son. ***** Again, no offense, by what if this was your child?

He's 35 and still dependent on his parents. ***** What a guy.

He wasn't that good of a kisser. ***** ?

He wasn't very intimate - did I already say that? ***** Could this be because you had the added stress of a child being there?

----------------------------

"Okay to be fair, here are the good things I can think of:"

He always had a smile for me.
Only a smile? ***** I agree, what about time?

He was incredibly patient.
He could afford to be, sounds like you did most everything ***** I agree

He is really smart.
well, you got that right! He's had a slave all the time you were with him ***** I agree

He does things for himself.
But not for you ***** Read above, it sounds like he has other people doing most everything for him. What does he do, he wipes his own butt?

He is kind and caring.
(?)Er...sorry?...Just read the first lot of items you wrote!

He is sensuous.
So are lots of people*

He is putting himself through school.
What's that got to do with anything ***** I agree, lot of folks to that, and besides I thought you said he is still finacially dependent on his parents? Sounds to me, like THEY are putting him through school.

He was pretty good in the sack - physically that is.
see* above ***** Woo - hoo, for great sex, it's worth selling yourself short?

Z.

February 22, 2004
10:26 am
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artist 2
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Thank you both for your feedback. You're both right. I'm so glad I have all this free time now! Forgeddabout him - right? Right. have agreat day y'all.

February 22, 2004
6:09 pm
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artist 2
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UPDATE:

Saw him at church and it didn't hurt all that much. I was, thankfully for the Lord, surrounded by friends. Still love him though... seems like even more so now from a distance. He seems even more hurt than I do, so someone said.

February 22, 2004
7:37 pm
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Kessie
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By the way - what IS this thing 'sex'? I forget....think I mislaid the instructions under my pension book.... glasses.... can't quite see...

love KX 🙂

see, in time you forget!

February 22, 2004
8:08 pm
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Artist,
Good to here it went ok.
I know sometimes for me I worry so much about something that I make it worse than it is.

Ladyace

February 22, 2004
8:30 pm
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marley
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Artist -

I am glad that you were surrounded by friends when you saw him - I know how much that helps.

So I take it that you didn't go to his place yesterday about your classic car?

Marley

February 23, 2004
6:24 am
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Kessie
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Hi A2, how's it going, then?. I must go to my studio today, - I'm backsliding. It's such a nice day though, sun shining, cold, crisp. I want to go out instead. Aaaaah...
Kx

February 23, 2004
8:14 am
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artist 2
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Kessie, I hope being outside motivated you to do some painting.

Marley, I did not go to his house, but I really wanted to talk to him. he looked sad.

February 23, 2004
9:04 am
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nancee
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Artist, I have a theory....I think men have some kind of sixth sense and they wait until we are beginning to get over them and finally have stopped obsessing about them and that is the exact moment they decide they want to be with us. They say that the one who cares least in a relationship is the one who has control and I've always been the one who cared the most. If I'm in a relationship with someone who is kind, considerate and does things for me, I don't seem to be interested in them. That is a problem I have to work on, not thinking I deserve someone who will treat me right. I don't know why someone who treats me with indifference is so much more appealing but it is a problem I need to work on. Hope your weekend went well.

It's always hard for me to come back to work on Monday morning because he just works down the street from me and he seems so close. When I'm at home, he lives way northwest and I live south of the city so there is a comfortable distance between us. I know I sound crazy, I obsess too much. I'm trying to be better but it is so difficult on Monday.

February 23, 2004
9:49 am
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artist 2
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Nancee, interesting that you mention Mondays. Usually I have my mind on work. But today - and I was ashamed to admit it - today I miss him more than ever. I guess it was seeing him in church. My heart is really missing him too. I still have all that love and nowhere to put it. Guess I can keep it.

February 23, 2004
10:00 am
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nancee
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I have to believe that you and I and all of us who are going through this will find someone who deserves our love. I know that I have to work on myself before I will be able to have a healthy relationship. That doesn't make today any easier though.

February 23, 2004
10:08 am
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artist 2
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I met a friend yesterday who is so strong and really making stides to "make her own life". She is helping me. I have a problem in getting into relaionships and avoiding makeing my life. Now, I'm out on my own working on that. The feeling of being abandonded comes from me, not from something wrong he did. It's my own fear of making my life and can I do it? It's because when we broke up, I had no life to turn to because I had put everything into his. Honestly men don't need this! If anyone needs taking care of, it's him. I believe he felt, or must be feeling more abandonded than I do.

February 23, 2004
10:34 am
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nancee
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It is true what they say, that you must first love yourself. And looking back on other relationships, I have a pattern of picking men who allow me to do everything for them while they give me nothing in return. And it's time I was honest about my current relationship, or lack thereof....we have been seeing each other for almost 6 years and he was married. About 4 months ago, I tried to break up with him and he just kept calling and showing up. Then he and his wife decided to split up (it had nothing to do with me) and all HE talked about was how much fun we would have and how we could go on a real date and spend more time together, etc. He stopped calling over Christmas and now he says he just needs time to sort out his life. As bad as I hate to admit it, it seems to me like he just used me while he was married because he knew he could trust me to keep the secret, but now that he has his freedom, he thinks he may want to date other people. And I'm the big fat loser for waiting around all this time. I have dated other guys during the 6 years, but I always wound up back with him.

You want to hear about an unhealthy relationship....the only needs of mine that got met were physical. He was unable to have a serious conversation about feelings, our future or anything else important to me. I stayed around two years too long. Two years ago, he took off the day from work to spend my birthday with me and he didn't even bring me a card! Why did I put up with that? I can completely see why his wife stopped having sex with him and even pretty much stopped talking to him. My counselor says he has a classic fear of intimacy and instead of making me run from him, it makes me feel more sympathetic toward him. I even have been thinking about changing my mind about wanting to have a child because he isn't sure he wants more kids and thinks he is too old.

It infuriates me that I still care about him. Why can't I put as much energy into my own life as I put into obsessing about him? Sometimes I think I just don't know what to do with myself if I'm not worrying about something. When I have someone in my life to 'fix', I don't have to worry about fixing what's wrong with me. It's really easy to see all these things in myself, just not so easy to change.

February 23, 2004
11:13 am
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An meaningless as it seems without HIM to share, and as weak as it sounds to even say it's meaningless... we have to FORCE ourselves to consider ourselves interesting people. We have to force ourselves to realize that alone, we are worthwhile. We are worth spending time on.

February 23, 2004
12:07 pm
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nancee
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I think the fact that I have found this place to discuss feelings and opinions with other people instead of keeping it all inside is a step in the right direction for me. And while I do sometimes think things are meaningless without HIM, the truth is that I could never talk to him about my problems, my feelings, weaknesses. Anytime I would get the slightest bit emotional around him, he would just shut down. God forbid he should ever find out I'm going to counseling. He doesn't talk about feelings and doesn't want to know about mine. I know in my heart that I deserve better than that. And so do you....

February 23, 2004
12:41 pm
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marley
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wow - you guys hit the nail right on the head? at what point do we begin to feel our own self worth and stop putting everything into another person? whatever the reason aren't we just avoiding ourselves? and if we are then why? why would we not like ourselves enough to simply be strong alone?

Artist - I am so glad that you did not go to his house!!! Good for you. I know it must be hard for you to have seen him looking so sad, but please do not give into that feeling. It will pass and pretty soon maybe you won't feel like you need to give him so much of yourself- you time.

I keep wondering who is this guy who is taking up all this space in my head and heart, rent-free? I am looking for a buyer, someone to share my life with not to waste my life with, you know what I mean?

February 23, 2004
12:50 pm
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Kessie
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Artist, - take a look at what Wombat has to say on 'nipping CODAs in the bud' thread. Inspiring.
Hows it going? I ducked out ot the painting - but will do it this week. Promise.

Kx

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