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update from the dogs mom....proud of my own baby-steps toward peace
February 24, 2007
9:49 pm
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thedogsmom
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Hi All,
Thanks so much for giving the BEST advice EVER. Sure wish I could just listen and DO exactly what you say....without the guilt and pain.
But I have to live with myself and my own decisions and have NOT been able to just put him out and LOCK the doors. After another big fight (he lied again about his whereabouts- I suspected he was with no-good friends doing no-good drugs) I told him not to come home to just stay wherever he was for the night. He came home on Valentines day while I was at my parents. He packed a bag and checked into a motel for 5 nights--He called me daily but I refused his calls.I also cut off his cellular phone bill I had been FOOLISHLY paying. I considered and probably should have changed the locks but I couldn't do it. I knew he'd come home when his money ran out and I needed him to return my truck that he left in.
Since he's been home- he tried doing the "nice" guy thing... pretending things were back to normal...cooking dinner and serving me in bed..... trying small chit-chat.... BUT THIS TIME..I'M NOT HAVING IT!
I have stayed to myself. Answered yes and no only to his questions. Told him I have nothing more to talk about except bill/rent money on payday...and when he plans to move-out. He looks terrible, crying puffy red eyes, lost more weight, and I DO feel so sad for him....BUT.... I am HOLDING MY GROUND and doing what needs to be done... grocery shopping, working, hanging out with my mother... and ignoring him.
I think I have the strength this time to stick to my guns and go forward with the break-up. I think the strenght comes from what I have learned here. That I CANNOT control his actions- no love or financial aid on my part has "made" him turn into the man I had dreamed he could be. Nothing I have done (talking, writing letters, yelling, crying, boycotting /cleaning/chores/
pleading, forgiving, hoping, praying....etc....) has HELPED me to get the RESULTS I need from him. So I get my strength I guess- in finally ACCEPTING that this IS NOT the life I want to continue to LIVE. Living with a lying addict is NO WAY to live! So I feel like I have NO other alternative but to GIVE UP! Give up on trying to get him to change and just moving on with my life and letting him live whatever life he Chooses since what I've offered to him is obviously not enough to keep him home at nights and satisfied. So please continue to pray that I can keep the strength when he tries to talk me out of leaving him. I really think this is the only thing that I can do - that may save his life in the long run.
TDM

February 25, 2007
12:42 am
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dustpuff
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thedogsmom~ I have been where you are and I have to say you are making the right decision. I was blindly in love with an addict and supported his habit for many, many years. It ended with much damage to me. He will continue his crying and trying to make it better but the drugs will always win over. I finally got the picture in November. Stay strong and keep taking those baby steps.

February 25, 2007
12:09 pm
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thedogsmom
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Thanks dustpuff for the words of encouragement and support.

Yep..I am feeling quite damaged... emotionally and financially..and I think I am finally "getting the picture" too.. That life for me will not change until "I" make those changes.
Still feeling strong and hoping that he will move out on his own now-- soon-- without a big ugly scene. I was letting him stay for a couple of months-to save some money so that he can move out..but today he didn't even go to work! So I have to think about what my next move is.
Staying strong
TDM

February 25, 2007
12:16 pm
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atalose
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I think it's wonderful that you reached the place you are in right now. It sounds like you are emotionaly detaching from him which will give you the strength to stick to your guns about decisions your making for yourself.

Maybe when he talks to you about not leaving him, you can think of it this way. He's not asking to stay and love you the way you want, he's not willing to put the hard work into recovering from his addiction, hes mearly asking you to stay so things will not change and he can continue with his habit and have you clean up the messes it causes for him.

Hang in there, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 25, 2007
1:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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thedogsmom-

Letting an addict stay an extra couple of months, so that he can "save money to move out" is an exercise in futility. Assuming he DOES earn any money, he will use it for his addiction or to conduct a campaign to try and get you to change your decision to stop supporting him.

Please please keep your eyes wide open and your radar antennae up high, ok? He is not going to move out gently and peaceably. You are his MEAL TICKET and he will fight to keep it. Not you. The MEAL TICKET.

- Ma Strong

February 25, 2007
4:15 pm
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thedogsmom
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Thanks atalose, I think that's it..that I am finally detaching from him emotionally- seeing him as an 'addict', a liar, an abuser, someone who takes advantage of people ... instead of seeing him as this poor helpless wounded gentle-soul that needs me to rescue him.

Ma strong,

I know...i know.. I've already tried this strategy of allowing him to stay till he has enough money to move and it HAS only backfired on me. Just like you said. He either doesn't go to work to make the pay....(likely -so he won't have money and I won't put him in the streets)... or he makes the money but doesn't hand it over for me to save for him...and ends up spending it on drugs and who knows what??? and while he is still there living with me...he trys so hard to do the right things to get me to believe things will change..and I only get fooled again..

What is your suggestion here? To just let him go to work or wait till he leaves the house and then change the locks on him and try not to worry about where he will sleep or what he will do?? I haven't been able to bring myself to do this. The worry and guilt would eat me up.. It feels too cold and mean-spirited.
Yet, I know this can't go on. I don't want to support him anymore. I have to figure something out here.....I thought of giving him money to move out...maybe this would actually be cheaper for me in the long run...and I would have a clear conscience..cause if he chose to blow the money on drugs...then at least I would feel that I 'tried" to help.

I can't make myself take that last BIG STEP... of kicking him to the curb. He doesn't have family here or anywhere to go except maybe all of those druggie 'friends' of his. Even his brother and sister told me to kick him out. They won't send money to help him....why do I feel I should?? Help! I guess I am as bad as him.. I know the answer to my problems- putting him out to fend for himself and taking control of my life back... but I just can't make myself put him out without any money.

I know some think that I really am afraid to let go of him . afraid to live without him.. That I have low self-esteem and that taking care of him gives me 'validity'. I truly KNOW that my life will be better without him (as an addict). I truly look forward to living alone again. Loved it before. While my self-esteem and reasons for staying with him so long does warrant investigation.... I really just can't put him out because I would feel too sorry and guilty. I no longer feel guilty about breaking up with him as I see no alternative to end the madness...I need a way to get him out that allows my conscience to rest in peace.
TDM

February 26, 2007
10:08 pm
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truthBtold
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thedogsmom,

Kick that loser out!

Is he an eight year old or is he a full grown adult?

Did he not have a chance to earn money to get himself in a better financial arrangement?????

There is nothing cold or mean spirited about kicking an able-bodied man into the world, given ALL that you have done.

So he make think of you as a heartless bitch - so what?????

You know that you gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over again.....he just wasn't fucking listening....or more likely, didn't want to hear!!!!!!

He's a leach!

He'll just suck you dry if given half the chance.

Do you think that he is thinking about YOUR FEELINGS?????

Hell - NO!

Cut the chord. Change the locks. He's a big boy.

And as the title of your posts says.......be proud......awfully proud of your baby steps towards peace.

He's a big boy and an adult.

He is not your responsibility.

Let 'em figure it out on his own.

HE IS AN ADULT!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 26, 2007
10:37 pm
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Loralei
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Homeless people seem able to survive. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it too. He has a choice. He can work and earn money and spend it on food, shelter and clothing. Or he can blow it all like he's been doing. In either case, he is not your responsibility. He has the power to choose the path he takes in life.

Be careful to safeguard your credit. He has put your name on credit cards before and is apt to try to do it again. You may need to notify the 3 credit reporting companies that he may try to order more credit cards. If he has your driver's license number, date of birth and social security number, be careful.

What about putting all his belongings on your porch, give him $50 so he can eat and you won't feel guilty, and then change all the locks. That's what you're going to have to do to get him to leave.

You sound like you have a good handle on your feelings now. I'm so happy you are moving on with your life.

February 27, 2007
12:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Pack up his belongings. Put them outside. Change the locks. Give him enough money for a couple of meals. And stop enabling this addict.

If you really love him, get him out of there. He will never change, until someone lets him bottom out and face reality. He needs to find a responsible job, housing and pay his bills and taxes like an adult. He will NEVER do that, as long as you are in the picture, bailing him out, so you can feel "needed." That is the height of codependency. And I urge you to get into counseling for yourself, to break the enabling cycle, the need to "fix" or "help" someone who is hopelessly messed up.

- Ma Strong

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