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Update from Sininho
October 23, 2006
9:38 pm
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Anonymous
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LL, love to hear from you and know you were at the cabin. I was called to a visit on another town (got together with older bro and younger sis). Hope Jen´s Buck was taken care of. LL, tks for reading but mostly tks for caring, cyber friend! Not checking in here often cuz Im a bit over my head with stuff to do.

Yeah, why do I have to join in with my older brother... Just cuz he´s the family Ive got, the one who took me to the hospital, well, rationalizing... I´d be dead if it werent for my neighbor and friend. And as I recovered, only my sisters showed up for visitation. To get the laundry.

Maybe the real truth is I want to be politically correct and fit in for once and the 4 sieblings are in it together, like mafia. I was living abroad when they set up a company to administer my grandaunt´s stuff. My deceased mom joined in to be in my place. Nobody asked me or told me anything. As always. I didnt know how to feel.

Did I say older brother told me he is completely innocent of all claims whatsoever my grandaunt may have? He convinced me, really. The thing is we dont really get along in general. When the older brother talks softly to me, Im suspicious. While when the younger screams at me and tells me to shape up, I shiver, but I see where he is coming from, I just dont like the style in which it shows.

Am I better? Oh, the medication shrink thinks so. I´m modulating affection, he says. Nice terminology. But Im so many pounds underweight that my pants are dragging on the floor. Has anyone ever felt hungry but no appetite, with a knot in your throat?

I may be going into my next life stage and doing it in phases.

I have been talking to my younger sis and a friend. Some ideas came up. My friend says if I get a little money from grandma´s apt sale, I should buy into something to live, not to work, and stop paying rent. That could only be possible if my younger sis helped me, as she said she would. Then I might even have to pay installments, condominium, custodian and porter fees (needed mostly for security).

Younger sis says I need to stay put a bit while getting some students in the city, then slowly make the move. Sounds right.

All tricky, all right options if I administrate myself, my feelings and my thoughts. Well, at least Im not throwing in the towel.

October 23, 2006
10:24 pm
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ggfred4
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hey sin, missed you too. Glad you sent us an update...(((sin)))

October 24, 2006
7:45 pm
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Tks, GG. Have been thinking of you. Dont know if youre ok with your eye yet. Im gonna eat something and check back.

Im down, a nervous wreck.

The medicine physician who says Im better can´t be right! Maybe I am bipolar and recycle / oscillate really fast, as one physician said years ago.

Another thing is that in our South American culture we tend to smile while talking of bad things. Maybe the shrink who smiles himself doesnt get that. I smiled telling him that my behind hurts cuz my chair at the computer is bad (didnt say my behind equals that of a 74 just this last year). Expressing it with a smile.
Is that modulating affection?

My hands tremble thinking of keeping what Ive managed to get so far. Yes, not having to ask for money is great. But Im feel hanging by a thread to keep it. Was told to find another way to get over anxiety,not with medication. So nervous. Why do I doubt myself so much and feel so tired?

I guess I´ll bite the bullet as long as I can. One would say its the end of the world coming except in my case that would be some respite for my suffering right now. Right?

October 25, 2006
4:13 pm
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Woke up feeling anxious. Even my knees started to tremble. my hands too of course. Talked to the doc. Hes gonna see me tomorrow.

October 25, 2006
6:46 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there sini - just checking in with you. I haven't been on much at all. I'm kind of wiped out, I guess. No energy to speak of, so I feel like I wouldn't be much help if I tried to contribute. But I did want to say hi, and that your younger sister has some good suggestions. Maybe a solid place to "hang your hat" would do your soul some good... maybe give you a firm place to stand, so to speak. It seems as though you've been out there searching for something stable (aren't we all?) - and maybe this is a good opportunity to make that happen. Just a thought :o). Also, when you speak of your siblings, it always reminds me of my brother - I only have one, but our relationship has changed so much over the years... it's weird. As we get older, and with the addition of his fairly new spouse, I've found that he's practically truned into a different person. I used to really like him - NOW, if it wasn't for the fact that he's my brother, I wouldn't choose him to be a friend of mine. Hell, he may feel the same about me too, but hey. All in all, it's difficult... siblings - and I wish it wasn't.

I hope, as the day has gone on, that you're not feeling anxious anymore. I'm glad that you're going to the doctor... hopefully it's a medication thing, and it can be fixed. Because it really seems that lately, you're doing better - at least I think so... but that's only from reading occasionally.

I had a bit of a realization this last weekend. After spending the entire day on Sunday, recouperating from a very wild Saturday night... I'm seriously thinking that I need to stop drinking so much. I never felt like I had a problem, but I'm not feeling good about how much I actually DO drink. I haven't had a drink since Saturday, but I have to admit that I do think about it every night when I get home. I'll see what happens... but I think I'll see if this urge fades or gets the best of me. We'll see.

Maybe I'll check back later tonight when I get home, and see how you're doing - hope it's good... :o)

Later sini - love, Shaney

October 26, 2006
9:30 pm
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Hi, Shaney, your thoughts are so appreciated. My doctor says Im doing better, too. Its just taken a lot from me emotionally and physically since I havent been going after something but just trying to survive. I haven´t reached the point where I feel life is lovely. I know it is... I just wanna feel it in my heart. That stable place you mentioned is really very much needed. I do want a place to hang my hat and feel it in my heart its lovely doing it. I gotta polish my soul cuz thats where I want to put my hat first of all: a clean soul.

Sieblings and friends tend to have mutual feelings, so sometimes it works when we hold good thoughts for them which get across our gestures. When that isnt easy, I usually give up. Isolating people though has been a practice in my family I feel is very childish. I guess we all do it unconsciously.

I have such a weakness for coke, I understand your desire for a drink. Maybe checking on your feelings as you crave a drik will help look for another type of treat which won´t become a bad habit.

Im getting some medication for anxiety. Hope I can give you all better news.

Take care, good people of AAC! Big hug to you, Shaney!

November 3, 2006
7:40 pm
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Well, here I am many pounds under my weight! But my med doc (he) says Im better. The analyst (she) is on a national strike (started with a big holiday weekend, hmmm)! So my he doc wants me to read up on DYSTIMIA. And I did. Just trying to figure something out. The DMSIV says that you may have dystimia if doont have a major depressive episode for two years. So I guess I may have had dystimia all my life but now the suicide attempt that put me in the hospital for 6 weeks rules dystimia out. Doesn´t he know that? Go figure.

I should be getting off my bed early in the morning... am not. Should be eating... am not. Should be exercising... am not. And have had thoughts of death a lot. Returned the translation job. Got one student coming in and two going out.

Oh, let me see if I can be funny for a little bit. Gee, I dont remember smiling even at myself lately. Sorry. Ill see if the dentist tomrrow has a camera while my big mouth is open, its a cute one actually.

Ah, my neighbor is kind of funny, he tells me he gets here every day at 6! Six to 9, that is! :~

November 3, 2006
7:52 pm
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ggfred4
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ha ha about the neighbor, sin....

damn, wish I was many pounds underweight...I am glad the med doc says you are better...

sin, not trying to be sarcastic, but you do know that food gives you energy, right? LOL

So glad to hear from you tonight!!!

November 3, 2006
8:29 pm
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You´re funny, GG! I´ll remember that so that I have the energy to come with some good jokes like yours! Sleep well! Im keeping good thoughts for you!

November 3, 2006
8:34 pm
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ggfred4
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well my sisters from Afghanistan have abandoned me all at once, my biggest fear...what do I do...hate t.v., too sick to read a book

November 3, 2006
10:39 pm
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cyndra820
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Excuse Me, Ms GG!! I haven't abandoned you. I looked at the clock and saw you must be home about now. How was your day? What's Mandy doing?

November 4, 2006
2:44 am
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Aint it awful when them docs tell you to read when you cant sleep? Thats when your eyes hurt from not sleeping! Or they say do some needle point, paint, and youre thinking, Im miserable, death come and take me!

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