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Update 12/15: Girlfriend's Ex-boyfriend: The Party
December 15, 2003
11:05 am
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bigdumbguy
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*** If you are not familiar with the story so far, please go back and read all of the posts I have posted regarding this situation, that way you will have a full understanding of what's going on ***

Howdy all,

Just thought I would update you on the situation, and there are some major updates.

Yesterday we had a birthday party for the 7 year old. Well all of her friends were invited and her family. Her father called and asked if he could come. My gf said she could care less either way, so he showed up with his new gf and their baby. His 4th! Well I was perfectly fine until he got there, then all of the rage and anger towards him surfaced and I did everything I could to stay away from him. I went over and talked with my gf's brother in law, talked with my gf's step sister, my gf's sister, my gf's mother. Basically I just stayed away from the ex and my gf. My gf kept hanging around the general viscinity of her ex. In the same room at the same table. I was not comfortable even being in the same room with him, so I stayed with the kids out in the play area (oh yeah, we had this at a entertainment place, kind of like Chuck E Cheese). I spent more time with his daughter then he did. I don't think he said anything to her except for goodbye. He didn't even call her on her birthday, which was on Friday. So he ended up leaving after about an hour and a half. I taped the actual birthday festivities on the camcorder, so it wasn't like I wasn't there for the thing. It was only when the kids were out playing in the play area that I was not with them, and I guess I was with them because that's where the kids were. I don't know where I was going with that, but nevermind.

So on the way home, (the 7 year old decided to go home with her grandma so we were in the car by ourselves), there was a lot of quiet for about 5 minutes and then my gf blurted out, "well his gf was pretty."

"What?" I said.

"His gf was pretty."

"So what?"

"Did you notice her at all?"

(I did but said I didn't. Personally I thought she was a fat tub of goo with a dumpy ass. She was kind of cute in the face, but that was it.)

"No cause I didn't care. And I didn't notice the baby either."

Then we preceded to talk and I jokingly said something about telling his gf about all the times he has called my gf and asked to get back together while he was with her. My gf said that would be one of the stupidest things I could ever do and that if I loved the 7 year old I wouldn't. I didn't understand any of that.

"Why do you not like him? What did he ever do to you?"

"Well, put it like this, and this is an extreme example, but maybe you'll get it. Ted Bundy killed 40 people. Do I like him? No. Did her ever do anything to me? No. Okay (the ex) has 4 children with 4 different women, that's 4 women that were hurt by this guy with 4 children that aren't going to have a father growing up. Do I like him? No. Did he personally do anything to me? No. Did he do anything to my gf whom I love and her daughter? Yes. "

Then my gf went into the whole thing with how I wasn't by her side the entire time. Also, I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but up until that point, me putting my arm around her or kissing her on her cheek bothered her (she was in a horrible mood anyway that day), but after the ex showed up, every time she saw me she threw her arms around me, hugged me, kissed me, rubbed my shoulders, my back, kissed my cheek, basically anything lovey dovey she did. After the ex left, that all quit... explain this to me? I have 2 theories, but I want to see what you all think.

Anyway, then we were driving along, and I don't really remember what all was said. There is a lot I'm leaving out, but it's only because I don't remember anything else.

Like I said, my gf was in a bad mood all day. Everything I said and did, she came back with a smart ass answer or reply. The only time she was even remotely interested in me was when her ex showed up at the party.

Comments? I am all ready for the controlling posts and that I'm wrong, so go ahead. (ha ha)

December 15, 2003
11:33 am
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gingerleigh
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I think you misunderstand what I meant by "controlling" in this context. Controlling to me is any time that someone is struggling to make someone else into something that they aren't. In a sense, we are all controlling, trying to influence people in our lives. Parents do it with their kids... they had better, or else you end up with brats. *grin*

Anyway, from an outsider's perspective, it seems like you are trying to control the situation by getting her to act in ways that she wouldn't normally act where her ex is concerned. In relationships, there isn't a yardstick you can hold up and say "that's right" and "that's wrong". It's different for each couple. Just like for me, a husband who wanted to swing wouldn't be ok for me, but for some married couples this arrangement is just fine.

I sympathize with you, and if I were you I'd find her behavior unacceptable. But that is who she is, and not accepting that and trying to make her something that she isn't *is* controlling. Do you see the difference between controlling in this context and being a controlling abusive asshole?

Like I said, I wouldn't be happy with the situation either if I were you. Some guys would be OK with it. Every person is different. But you need to see what is really going on here, the actual situation, not what you wish it were or wish that it could be "if only"...

What are your theories?

December 15, 2003
11:40 am
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bigdumbguy
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I understand what you are saying about controlling now. I always took that to be a negative term. Maybe I am trying to control this. I see something wrong and want to fix it. Like I said before in a previous post, I don't do this with everyone. I don't care about everyone else. I care and love my gf and don't want to see her or her daughter get hurt anymore.

Here are my theories regarding the lovey dovey stuff... one is good, one is bad....

1) Her being in a bad mood all day, she saw that I was having troubles, switched off her bad mood gear, and started being affectionate towards me to get me in a better mood. She has done this before. When we went to pick up money from him once, she grabbed my arm and put it around her as we were walking away.

2) She wants to make the ex jealous. Like, here I am kissing and hugging on this guy. That would explain why she quit right after the ex left.

What do you all think?

December 15, 2003
12:25 pm
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mj
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Hugs Willie...
I think that I would be hurt. I think that I would not want to be around either her or the ex. But it isn't about me, its about what you feel and think.

So feel your feelings and then find your answers.

December 15, 2003
12:29 pm
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bigdumbguy
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I don't know what I feel and think anymore. It's like I'm living day to day with her. I never know which personality of my gf's I'm gonna get. The one that hates her ex or the one that cares about him.

December 15, 2003
12:35 pm
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mj
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It takes alot of energy to deal with chaos doesn't it. It seems that you are spending so much energy on others that you don't have the energy to take care of yourself. I have been there and know this futileness so well. Take a step back and look at the situation.

You went to your girlfriends daughters birthday party because you love them both. You are being supportive and loving.

You feel uncomfortable when ex arrives and your gf starts playing a game with your emotions. You are reading her. She knows you are upset because she knows you don't like her ex. She has invited him in spite of the fact. What did she expect? You to magically change your viewpoints that you have previously described to her.

Feel YOUR Feelings....think about what it is you want. Explore your options of self care.

December 15, 2003
12:45 pm
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bigdumbguy
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My gf played that game with me. After she found out that I was "having problems" with him being there she came up to me and goes 'you knew he was coming...'. Yes I did know he was coming, but we also had this conversation before. I am going to be there for the 7 year old and not let the ex stop me from being there. It would have been so much easier for me to stay at home or back at their house, but yes I did know he was coming. Me knowing he was coming doesn't change the fact that I still don't like him.

As far as my gf "playing a game with my emotions", I don't know if it was because she knew I was having a hard time or if she was trying to show me off to the ex. I don't know. I don't really know what was said between the ex and my gf. I know that X-mas presents for the 7 year old were discussed. I asked her what they talked about and she said nothing really. It seemed like everytime I turned around they were talking.

I took 2 trips out to the car. Once to get some money and another to get a jacket. I didn't need to get either one, but just needed to take a break. This guy looks so annoying and is so obnoxious, so I wonder what she ever saw in him anyway, to see him 8 years ago and then 5 years ago until a year and a half ago.

December 15, 2003
1:53 pm
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bigdumbguy
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Sorry Lisset.... Good luck in school today. You'll have plenty of time to respond later....

(ha ha)

December 15, 2003
2:07 pm
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mj
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Ok, so you took care of yourself, by leaving and taking a breather. Great thing to do.

So, do you feel that she stopped being affectionate after his absence was not correlated with him just you?

December 15, 2003
2:13 pm
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bigdumbguy
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mj, that last sentence is kind of worded strange, let me see if I get it,

I don't know what to feel about her being affectionate. First off she does not like to be affectionate in public anyway, but it's always "poured on" whenever we are around him or if he calls and I'm there. So her pouring it on while he's on the phone makes me think that it's not to make him jealous, but I don't know about yesterday. I think that she loves me, but she still cares about him and is using me to make him see what he missed out on.

December 15, 2003
3:01 pm
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mj
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Or she is trying to make you feel loved by pouring on the affection?

Its a guessing game...
How about the direct route? Ask her what she was feeling and that you observed this and felt a certain way.

Then you won't have to guess 🙂

December 15, 2003
3:08 pm
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gingerleigh
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Willie, it sounds like she was being affectionate to you to make him jealous... I'm sorry to say it, it really seems like she is using you in that scenario to prove to him that she is "over" him, and has found a much better man... you! I could understand if she did that a *little* bit, that's human nature, but she seems to be over-acting when he is around, and then withdraws from you when her audience leaves. If she were always affectionate with you, I don't think it would set off any warning bells with you, would it?

I'm not trying to bash her here... she really might be fine and over him, but our hearts do funny things when we see old flames, even if they were abusive assholes. I haven't seen my abusive asshole in years, yet I know that if I were to see him today my heart would fall through my feet. But, I'll never see him again, so, problem not exactly "solved", but avoided anyway. But, he and I don't have any children together, so I have the luxury of not ever having to see him again. Unfortunately for your gf, her situation is not so black and white.

I think that your emotions are being played with... she might not intend to be hurting you, and in fact, that might be the furthest thing from her mind. But she has an unsettled score with this man it sounds like, and she's using you as a weapon.

December 15, 2003
8:52 pm
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Zinnie
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Willie,

First I'm going to be a little mean to you... sorry... but I have to. The newest girl friend, she just had a baby right? Fat with a dumpy behind is allowed!

O.K. - now, for you. Sorry, when it comes to her, I think she is playing too many games. Personally, I would say "if and when you can decide there are only two people in this bed, let me know."

Remember, I had an ex-wife to deal with and none of this crap went on, bottom line because I think we all wanted what was right for the kids. Although there so many other factors in my situation. First of all, my husband paid almost double monthly what his child support was ordered. If the kids needed anything we had a bank account that all three of us had access to so that purchases could be made. This was funded 100% by my husband, but - he was always the primary bread winner in the family. Actually, neither his first wife or I worked after marriage. When they divorced he paid alimony AND his ex-wives tuition. So part of the reason none of us had this animosity was because of the fact that he did what he was supposed to do.

It bother's me that you were running around doing the videoing, etc., essentially acting as "Dad" - but then also the "Man of the Month" with the ex is around - yet, treated with disdain when he is not looking.

I'm sorry you were hurt.

What ever happened to the counseling appt. that you were to both go to on 12/1?

Zinnie

December 16, 2003
10:09 am
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bigdumbguy
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Thanks for all the responses again.

I was the only one who had the counseling appointment. And it went well! We talked about a whole bunch of stuff and it was mostly about this situation with the ex. My counselor said she fully understand my aggravation and classified me as having an adjustment disorder. She said that she had to classify me as something, but felt like my gf was the one who needed to come into therapy. I told her that I would talk to my gf about it and get back to her. I talked to my gf about it and she said that she would be interested but right now she is so swamped with everything that she doesn't know when she'll have time. Also, the counselor I am seeing is about an hour away from where she lives. My gf's schedule is like this... M-F 7-2:30 (she goes to school to be an LPN) She takes the 7 year old to basketball practice and dance class on Monday and Thursday respectively. On Wednesdays and all day Sundays we go to church. The 7 year old has her basketball games on Saturday. Plus my gf works from midnight to 8am Friday night and Saturday night. She has a full plate. Plus also she needs time to study. I completely understand this and have been very supportive. I did tell her that I WANT to go to counseling with her and maybe the 7 year old before we get married.

December 16, 2003
10:11 am
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bigdumbguy
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Oh and also... sorry for the fat and dumpy butt comment about the ex's new squeeze... but the baby is a year old now.

December 17, 2003
12:52 am
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Zinnie
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And I was pregnant 13 years ago, and still carrying around my big caboose... so watch it!

"Adjustment Disorder" - that could be me... I'm not real inclined to like change, especially fast curve balls. Funny thing though, as you age, you realize some things are just worth getting worked up about.

Bravo about going to the counselor. Like I said, you might not get the immediate answer you are looking for, and the result might not be you and her driving into the sunset of a life long marriage and happiness - but you will discover a lot about yourself.

December 17, 2003
9:12 am
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bigdumbguy
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Zinnie, apologees again for the dumpy comments. Believe me, I am not really like. Every gf I have had has not been your typical thin. I just said that because I don't really care for her or the ex.

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