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unsure where to turn too?
October 7, 2009
11:33 pm
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undescribable
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not sure of anything these days! feeling hopeless, sad, angry, depressed and feel like i have tried everything to move on

October 7, 2009
11:41 pm
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Lanigirl
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What's going on with you? What have you tried?

October 7, 2009
11:48 pm
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undescribable
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I GUESS IM SITTING HERE FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF AGAIN, RESEARCHING ON THE COMPUTER WHY I CONTINUE TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AND OVER.. FOUND THIS WEBSITE AND THOUGHT WHY NOT? TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE.. HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED FOR ALONG TIME, HAVE TAKEN MEDS WHICH DONT SEEM TO HELP, WENT TO 1-2 CO DEPENDENCY CLASSES, SEEN A DOZEN THERAPIST AND HAVE TALKED TO A FEW FRIENDS/FAMILY ABOUT A FEW TOPICS BUT NOT EVER BEEN ABLE TO TRULY OPEN UP AND TELL ANYONE EVERYTHING... NEVER GET ANYONES REAL OPINION BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID TO TELL ME THE TRUTH OR HEART MY FEELINGS EVEN MORE.

October 8, 2009
12:48 am
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onlyboringontheoutside
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You have come to a safe place to be everything that you are... the parts you are proud of, the parts that scare you, the parts that make you want to run and hide in shame. It's ok to be all of these things because all of these things make you the wonderful creature that you are. You are exactly where you need to be in this moment.

Talk if you want to, just relax and "accept the acceptance" if you don't feel like talking.

October 8, 2009
1:13 am
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undescribable
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I'm a 40 yr old woman who was sexually abused by my step father. i was somewhere btwn the age of 4 & 7. There was no penetration but he made me touch him and do things to him. I honestly cannot remember alot of things "like how old i was when this happend" it seems foggy but i know it happend. Family is aware and was confronted. honestly it was common for several members of this family to be involved with either there own kids or other family members. Very disfunctional! My step father abused my mother physically and i witnessed alot of this. He almost killed her. She finally left after many years of abuse.

It seems like im destined for disaster. 1st real boyfriend i moved in with when i was around 17 yrs old. dated thru school and finally my senior year after he dumped me right before senior prom I had a friend of my moms who was 10 yr my senior take me. (this friendship grew into one of the best relationships iv ever had) unfortunatley there were some problems with this too. (this man was married but lived seperatly from his wife for many years (6) they stayed married because of her need for health insurance. she had MS. during our 2 yrs of dating i still had some contact with my high school boyfriends family. I baby sat for his sister. One evening while I was babysitting my highschool boyfriend showed up at my apartment banging on doors and carrying on. My boyfriend of 2 yrs was there and we did not answer the door, The next day when i went to drop off the child i was babysitting my ex was there. He seemed different & stated he was doing drugs. he tried to persuade me to stay at the house and have sex with him. After i continued to denie him he became very aggitated and aggressive and forced himself on me. cant explain how i felt only that i feel like i should have or could have stopped him. i left crying and never mentioned this to anyone. who would have believed me anyways. he was my ex-boyfriend. There was not contact for quite awhile.

During all this my current boyfriend had been helping his exwife who was pregnant. There was alot of controversey with her being pregnant and her illness. She was pregnant with twins and didnt even no if she would be able to carrying them. (she had been living with a boyfriend who was also the father of her kids) But he left her. so her husband which was my current boyfriend was supposibly being a friend to her and her only support.

I trusted him and didnt feel like there was anything going on between them.

4 months later i found out i was pregnant... i assumed it was my boyfriends and we talked out our options. I also recieved a call from the wife who wanted to meet me. I met her and she informed me she had been having a sexual relationship with him..and told me that i should have an abortions because i would ruin his life......

at the time i didnt think to much of it but we werent having alot of sexual intercourse...found out later after i confronted him about his relationships with his wife that he obtained a sexually transmitted disease and that is why he was not having sexual relations with me...Needless to say he chose to remain with his wife.

We seperated and went our own way. I decided to have our baby. He was supportive and helped me with everything. Called and checked on me when i had doctors appt and purchased anything i needed to prepare for the baby. He remained with his wife for a few years.

I was 20 yrs old when i had my daughter. When i first seen her i knew something terrible. He was probably not the father. My daughter is caucasian looking and he was not. This child was proably concieved from the incident that took place with my 1st boyfriend. I was scared to tell him even though i think he has that thought in the back of his mind. The only thing is he probably thinks i cheated on him and i didnt.

there is so much more to follow i have to continue on another page.

October 8, 2009
1:24 am
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undescribable
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everything is foggy... i dont think i have ever said all this at one time.

my daughter is now 20yrs old and has a life i never would have been able to give her. "Her Dad" is such a great dad and supportive. I guess feel so guilty that this man has raised and supported her and honestly may not even be his. I dont know what is the right thing to do.. so much time has gone bye.???

now into the next chapter of my destructive life. Met another man when i was about 21 yrs old. my daughter was younger than a yr. I dated this man off and on for 10 years and concieved another child six yrs later. So now i am a single mother of 2. daughter 6 yrs old and a baby. This relationship was also destructive. I was crazy. He used me when it was convient for him and led me on.. He didnt care about me just wanted me sexually when it was good for him. Im not proud of my behavior and things i did in this relationship.

I dated a few other guys that i would say was somewhat serious and always turned out that i was the dumpee. doesnt do much for self esteem and any future healty relationship.

During these years I went to counselors that i just couldnt relate too.

October 8, 2009
1:29 am
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undescribable
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talked with family doctors and took different type of depression medications but nothing really never worked or when i started to feel okay i would stop taking the meds.

Leads me to my current dissaster. I finally met someone that loved me more than i loved them. I got married in 2000 and concieved yet another child in 2001. Im currently a single mother of 3. I loved being married and having a family. However there was so much disfunction with myself that i dont even know whats right or wrong anymore. My exhusband has 2 children and I had 2, then we had our child together.

October 8, 2009
1:29 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((Undescribable)))

Welcome to AAC.

You are not alone in this. You have come to the right place.

It has taken a lot of courage to open up like this. Give yourself a big hug for taking this big step on your journey of healing.

You can heal from this, and what you describe makes sense to me. I accept that you have done the best you could with the situations you were given. Many of us here have faced similar things to what you have shared. We understand and are here to support you on your journey with love, kindness and honesty.

October 8, 2009
1:42 am
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undescribable
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i loved my husband but we both had problems. he was a jealous person and i had been thru so much and had been "independent" for so long I guess i was set in my ways. This marriage didnt last. After many fights and alot of other things i moved out. I was hoping by me moving out that he would change the things i wanted him to change but he didnt. things went down hill from there. He got caught up in drugs and was on a self destructive path himself. I didnt know this until about 3 yrs ago. since then i have been a mess. We tried to get back together several time but just couldnt. he married someone out of the blue 2 yrs ago this month. This person just appeared one day and everything happend so fast. Even though he is married and still comes around and calls and says he loves me. His actions do not say that. Ive been on a emotional roller coaster with him since 2003. Im not proud to say that i have continued to be in a one sided relationship with my exhusband who is married. Ive tried to break it off and end this nightmare but some how i continue to let him walk into mylife and continue to destroy what self i have left. There has been many times i feel suicidal but i would never put my kids through that. so i live with alot of depression, anger and guilt.

October 8, 2009
2:10 am
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what would be the right thing to do about my daughter? Should i tell her and risk that she would be so crushed and never speak with me again or should i talk with her "dad" and risk that he might abandon her and not support her or love her the way he seems to? Growing up without a father figure i know how important it is.

October 8, 2009
10:34 am
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Lanigirl
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Undescribable,

Sorry to hear about all of the pain you're feeling but thanks for sharing.

Is telling your daughter the most important thing right now?

I know you said you've tried counselors but have you considered trying again or finding a CODA group?

My chaotic life mirrors some of the things you've shared. I went back to yet another counselor this week. I know that my life has been chaos but after laying it out in front of him, I could really hear it and for some reason this time I could recognize what a roadblock it's been to having a healthy life.

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