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unsure of my need for sex
November 1, 1999
11:34 pm
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sbf
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I am currently dealing with my constant need for sex. I can't figure out if the matter is that I am more oftern sexually aroused than my partner or if there is something deeper than needing to be satisfied. This is an issue because I often want to make love and my partner does not.
Tonight after having a bad day at work and sharing that with my partner,i needed to be consoled and what I wanted in the consolation was sex. After discussion with him,(becasue he is feeling insecure about not always wanting to have sex) I admitted to him that there is a possibnilty that I look for assurance that he loves me through sex. I dont want to live like that, and I dont know where it comes from. This need to be told I am love through sex. This man is the first I have had an intimate rlationship that was not just sex. There is so much more to our relationship than sex and I even shared that with him in the beggining when he wanted to make love all of the time. I never said no, but I suggested other activities to do together.

The truth of the matter is that the sex that I was after being upset is not all that great. He very much recognizes my need and sometimes gives in to appeal to the need. But now we have gotten to the point where it is on the table and he will not give in to satisy the need connected with feeling 100% loved.

Please help me, at least to beging to find within myself the dialouge neede to discover wheere this need comes from and how I can face it.

We have a very ggod sex life and I do not not want this to become an issue when I just feel aroused in general.

thank you

November 2, 1999
5:10 pm
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Sbf.

From what I understand of the animal kingdom, sexual intercourse takes place as some function of a periodic hormonal release within the female. The males seem to be always receptive to such releases.

However, in humans (and some primates), we have a need for intimacy and touch.

Somehow, anglo-saxon society has come to regard all touch between the sexes as having sexual outcomes and connotations. Consequently, our need for touching and intimacy has often led to a perceived 'need' for sex. Thus conditioning of the male has led to arousal when 'touched' by a female. Thus, I guess, your husband thinks that if he touches you then he must follow through with sex. He probably doesn't realise your need for non-sexual touch. Likewise, it seems that you seek touching through the practice of sex.

Can you and your partner have a touching session with the clear understanding that the desired goal is not necessarily sex byt touching? Although...

As a result of our conditioning, there are often much deeper psychological security needs emanating from triggering of our emotional memories of our early childhood.

In short, perhaps sex is being used by you as a means of satisfying both psychological as well as a physical security needs independent of your actual hormonal derived need for sex and reproduction. Is this what you are getting at in your posting?

November 2, 1999
7:57 pm
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Cici
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sbf...

I have had the same problem! I wondered and wondered hwat was wrong with me. I thought I was abnormal, that I was some kind of nymphomaniac. But I know I enjoy sex, at least on some level.

I looked around and saw some websites on sex addiction. I see in myself the need to have sex to reassure myself that I am pretty, that my partner finds me attractive, it's also some times a control issue - I find it empowering to know I can make my partner want me. At this point I'm insecure about whether our relationship is entirely based on sex. But check out the websites...just do a search on sexual addicition (do an advanced search that shuts out all XXX or porn sites) and you'll see a checklist on a lot of them. There are support groups in most major cities, and even if there aren't, I'm thinking of starting one myself. There are also online support groups.

Good luck. I'm still trying to overcome this!

November 2, 1999
11:20 pm
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sbf
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I thank you for your quick response.

As far as the animal instinct connection, I am not feeling that path but I do clearly understand the need for more touching, I agree and i am going to approach that as a solution.

I will let you know how that went cici

November 3, 1999
6:57 pm
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Cici.
You show that you have excellent insights into yourself. Yours was an very good posting containing some very good advice.

November 8, 1999
11:31 pm
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BCF1431430
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sbf.

i understand how u feel, i once felt like that.does your husband make u feel loved by doing other things
maybe you and him should go out and do somethng romantic, to show your love for each other
you an dhim should have a good discussion on this

wish your luck

November 9, 1999
10:28 am
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Cici
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Thanks Tez...I try! You're advice is not is shabby either. Ha ha ha. I'm kidding, your advice is great...usually very insightful. It's one thing to state an opinion. It's entirely another thing to make someone sit back and actually think.

November 9, 1999
2:13 pm
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daizy
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cici and sbf,
Well I am also much like both of you. I have finally realized that I reach out to my husband through sex. Although he is usually very good about showing affection towards me, lately has been hard. We have both been busy, besides him working, children and remodeling our house, I found that we've been putting our time aside. Thats when I find my sexual urges the strongest. We recently discussed this and we are both taking a little extra time to spend with one another, yet I still find it hard. As we lay and cuddle with one another, I start having other thoughts. Then it's like I have this little conversation with myself, trying to break a bad habit, LOL! I'm trying to break myself of having sexual thoughts while we share physical and emotional love.
Special thanks to Cici for showing me there is help for this.

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