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Unsolicited Advice: Separated != Divorced
July 26, 2001
8:25 pm
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gingerleigh
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I just wanted to vent here... I've begun dating again after a real messy divorce a while back, and I've met some nice people, very little chemistry though, just ended up making some new friends for the most part. That changed a few weeks ago... I actually met a guy that I just clicked with and who really seemed on the level. He seemed to be able to relate to the pain that I went through in my divorce, and told me that he was going through a divorce as well, had been separated from his wife for 2 years, and everything was nearly final. "It was a mutual decision to end the marriage," he said.

I'm so pissed at myself for not reading more into the "nearly" final bit.

Turns out that his "ex" is not an "ex" at all, and the divorce proceedings have not even started at all because she does not want to end the marriage. Turns out she's also got some private investigator following him around as well, to see if he is leaving her for another woman. I can guarantee you that he's not leaving her for me, since I've only known him a few weeks and this has been going on for some time. But I don't want to get mixed up in this just because I was too stupid or purposely ignoring signals because I so desperately wanted to "connect" with someone.

I don't want to play that game.

I guess what's bugging me most is that I'm so damn disappointed. I know that there are many other fish in the sea, but it's becoming painfully obvious that most of the fish out there have someone else's hook in their mouths.

DIVORCED != SEPARATED (prounounced "divorced does not equal separated" for those who are not closet computer geeks or mathematicians.)

Ladies and gentlemen out there in cyberland, please consider my advice... if you are single and looking to date, avoid the "nearly divorced" ones, too complicated, and you deserve better than that. If you are going through a divorce and have met someone that catches your eye, do both yourself and them a favor, and get your affairs in order first. Then flirt later. If it's meant to be, it will be there once all the papers are signed.

July 26, 2001
9:25 pm
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malaikau
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I really like what you have to say to those who want to date but are not yet divorced. It's this premature behavior that seems to cause lots of heartache. "Nearly Divorced"--what a subjective term! I guess you could consider me nearly divorced since I never married but would have been divorced by now if I had. . .

July 26, 2001
10:26 pm
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ranmar1
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I think nearly divorce and nearly separated should be the same thing. You either are or your not, you can't be nearly....That's like saying you are nearly pregnant. I for one, am about to enter the land of divorce or separation. I have no desire to want to enter into dating as yet. I have too many other issues to deal with and having someone else involved in my life wouldn't be fair to them or myself.

July 27, 2001
10:16 am
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gingerleigh
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I guess I'm even going a step further... dating someone who is merely separated is just asking for trouble. You take a separation to see if you can possibly work things out, right? It's a trial divorce, not the real thing. Stay away....

*run away, run away!*

July 27, 2001
1:28 pm
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Molly
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right on, to bad there is no such thing as honesty out there, and that is why sometimes I think its so discourgaging. Notice the gag in the middle. I read on a match service when I was seperated
don't bother responding if your divorce has not been final over two years, I think that is the minimal amount of time to shed the caca. Sorry Gingerleigh, it is disappointing, but you know your human, damn it. Feel like if the dude ain't sitting on a real white horse, with out roots, don't bother!!

So, after work, get beautiful, buy a new dress at lunch, go to the happening place, have a glass of wine, listen to some music, dance if you feel like it, and celebrate you got out, with out much of a payment this time.

July 27, 2001
1:54 pm
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gingerleigh
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You busy later Molly? I've got an extra seat with your name on it at my happenin' table overlooking Lake Washington, and an endless line of handsome waiters with an endless supply of fine cabernet...

No kidding. I want the knight on the white horse. Is that so wrong? Well, maybe not wrong, just a teensy bit unrealistic.

To add insult to injury, it seems to be raining men (with issues)... Haleluia... la la la. *snort* Seriously. A guy friend of mine set me up with a "friend" of his that he was positive would be so "good for me", really pushed me into it. To shut him up, I went on the date, and lo and behold, the guy actually wanted to see me again. I sensed something not right about him, right away, and told him no thanks. Well, boy was I right on... turns out that this guy is *also* still married, and "going through" a divorce. Just found that one out today. And then if two in the space of 2 weeks aren't enough, this morning a coworker from upstairs whose name I don't even know stopped in to ask me out to dinner (I wonder if I've been wandering around the streets with my blouse unbuttoned or something), and then unasked just starts to vomit up his past history, and what do you think just pops out of his mouth... divorced about a month ago.

PUH-LEASE. *gag*

July 27, 2001
2:18 pm
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Cici
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Knight on white horse? How about Don Quixote on a grey mule? hee hee hee. I kid my husband about that...and tell him to go polish his own lance. har har har.

July 27, 2001
7:37 pm
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Molly
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har har indeed, I would so love to just drive the 5 miles get on the plane, and have you pick me up, of course I could take a cab, one of these days I swear.

So, keep the blouse unbuttoned one of the lookers just has to be a keeper one of these days, hike the skirt up a bit too, maybe that will attract some one more stable, who can at least glance in both directions.
So, just keep shopping, start the book, just how many rejects does it take, god, I hope its not like sales, what do they say, 100 calls to get a contact 10 contacts to get an appointment, 10 appointments to get a deal????? Well as long as they buy dinner, is that a contact or appointment.

Cici, he doesn't wear that wierd hat does he, I mean I don't want to pry.

July 27, 2001
8:00 pm
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Alena
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GL, you cracked me up!! All in one sentence you put, " the guy wanted to see me again, I sensed something was not right"...DUH...hmmm if this guy wants to see me again there MUST be something wrong with him! Ha! I laughed pretty hard on that one!

Men are dogs..sorry Ranmar, not all....but most men are dogs. Course, they can't be dogs all alone can they, takes two to ChaChaCha. Goes back to my old mantra, who needs em and why? Actually, it only takes one to ChachaCha, but that's another topic altogether....

I always think that if I were to get divorced again after all these years, there's no way in hell I'd want to be committed to another man. And I wouldn't even be looking. But that's probably because I am some times up to my eyeballs in testosterone crap and it's many perks.

Remember that old thing a few years ago about "all the good ones are married"? Well, maybe they're nearly divorced by now.

Be kind to yourself GL, your 6th sense is going to be so keen you'll be able to smell the dog a mile away.
🙂

July 27, 2001
9:29 pm
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gingerleigh
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Woof.

I'm actually heading out to meet up with a cool happily-married gal pal of mine, shop for that new dress that Molly mentioned, and go turn some heads and stop some traffic. (Granted, that's because I'll be standing in the middle of the shopping district of Seattle wearing a lacy bra and panties holding up the new dress I just bought at Nordstroms yelling "Do you think this color would make me look fat?" If I stand exactly in the middle of the road, the traffic has to stop... or maybe not, the taxi cabs might just mistake me for yet another tourist and try to run me down.)

I'm in a mood. Have a great Friday everyone. I'll toast you all tonight.

*cheers*

July 27, 2001
11:55 pm
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ranmar1
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Hey Gingerleigh, I come up there on business every 8 wks. I never saw anyone standing in the middle of the streets like that. Maybe I was in the wrong area, downtown. Where is this parade going on?
Randy

July 29, 2001
2:15 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yah, speaking of parades, yesterday Seattle had the blasted SeaFair opening parade going on 4th Ave. It took me an hour to get someplace it usually takes 15 minutes.

At one point I did consider getting out of my car and flashing the cops to see if they would let me past the barricades so I could just get to where I wanted to go. But then one of the cops leaned in my window and said "Honey, you should try wearing darker colors, black is so much more slimming, darlin'..."

So I conked him on the head with my ben and jerry's pint I just picked up at the market. The others, awed and frightened by my display of raw feminine power, allowed me to pass through the barricade peacefully so that I could get be on my way.

July 30, 2001
12:22 am
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ranmar1
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Gingerleig,
I laughed so hard when I read your post, I hope you didn't spill any of the Ben and Jerrys. The Seafaire, ah yes, I remember living up there in the early 80's and it was like 95 degrees out. Anyways, ladies, not all guys are dogs, just like all woman aren't bitc#%s, just my soon to be x. I have been looking up Narcissism, it is absolutely amazing what I am finding. You are destined to doom if you are involved with one. They feed off of you, suck your life away, and then drop you for the next victim. Ladies (and gents) there are some good ones still out there. We just have to figure out where and how to find them.

July 30, 2001
12:26 am
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gingerleigh
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Anyone seen the movie "Bye Bye Love"? I'm laughing my butt off (I wish) while watching this. Anyone who has gone through a divorce or who is contemplating one should watch it. Those who have gone through it will laugh and cry and sympathize, and those who are still married with kids will rethink getting divorced.

Does anyone else go through this? The ups and downs? Just about everyone that I know tells me how together I've got everything... great job, good looks, fun personality, great attitude, but sometimes I could just die of loneliness. Just not connecting with people sucks. Dating sucks. All the men I've met are either still married and pretending not to be, on medications that makes them lethargic and impotent, chew with their mouths open, womanize obsessively, or suffer from severe anxiety disorders that make it impossible to have a normal conversation.

"I'm not looking for a serious relationship at this point. I'm just looking for something that will keep me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low... I'm basically just looking for a mammal..." AHAHAHA!!!! It's a quote from the movie... Jeaneane Garafolo, describing a "dream" date.

ARRGGG. I think I need to get a cat.

July 30, 2001
1:07 pm
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Molly
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Actually, I think dogs is highly over rating men, upps some men. So, rethink the cat situation, however a dog is just as demanding as a man, that co-dependent thing, always want food, have you sit right by them, always want to do what they want to do, never enjoy shopping etc. But they never complain about your cooking just as messy with their toys all over the place, often easily satisfied with just a little physical pleasure, like a walk, and a few stroaks on the belly.

I swear, when in Mexico one time with the girls, a good friend of mine, went the wrong way on the main turn around downtown TJ, and she did unbutton her blouse, smiled real big at the traffic cop as she asked how to get out of the mess we were in, so vs jail, with the six cops that were chasing us, we got the road cleared and an escort. So, it does work.

Gingerleigh, you read these threads, you read the paper, just quit looking at your theighs long enough and you will see, that the world is fubared.

But we can have fun with it right. I need to make some money and get up there and crash your party, you are having to much fun.

July 30, 2001
7:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yes, the world is definitely all messed up. ("Why can't we all just get along?") But on the bright side, an apartment with a waterfront view just opened up, and I plan to move myself into that next month so that I can sit on my balcony, take in Puget Sound at sunset, and peg the cruise ship tourists with wine bottle corks as they walk below my apartment.

We all owe it to ourselves, our partners and our loves that we still haven't met yet to maintain our sense of humor and get enjoyment out of life where we can. Molly, Cici, Mal, Alena, Ranmar... my porch is plenty big enough if you're looking to crash my party, but you'll have to bring your own supply of wine bottle corks. *grin*

July 30, 2001
8:57 pm
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ranmar1
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Gingerleigh,
I would love to sit with the wine bottle corks, pop some tourist, and then we can all sit there feeling guilty and contemplate the meaning of life. Especially since they are tourist, they have to leave, and we'll have a never ending supply of targets. Maybe i can arrange to have my soon to be x come up as a tourist, and then mistakenly throw the bottle while holding on to the cork. OOOPss.
Anyways, I tried unbottoning my shirt to get through traffic, and it just came to a standstill. What happened?
I guess it was too smoggy. Anyways, I presented some numbers to the future x, and told her she can try and squeeze more out of me, but there isn't anymore. (4000K per month vs her figure of 5300-6100K per month.)
I think she is listening. I could afford this if need to, but I didn't want her to know this. I told her how strapped it will leave me, and she even offered to kick a little back. Ofcourse, the kickback is probably her poop!Her next statement to me was, now I know why people don't divorce, they can't afford to. She then ask if I was in her shoes, what options would I have, and I said none, based on the behavior, insensitivity to my kids and me, and her actions. I asked why she would even ask me that? I know she was feeling me out. Maybe, maybe she is now scarred that this is it, having to give up a lifestyle (for the time being until she hooks up with Earl), maybe she is scarred about having to get a job and join the real world. Welcome to my planet........

July 30, 2001
9:27 pm
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Molly
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ugh, hello, did you get hit with a cork between the eyes, ugh, 4k a month, and she is freaking, how long does she get this, and can I pleaze be next in line, you almost make it sound like it didn't hurt, must have used lubricant. this is how out of touch Orange County is, do, you have any comprehension of how hard it is to get a 36k salary these days, I mean there are county jobs out there, but we are talking friggin work, and then some.

How is it like up there in winter Gingerleigh, I'm thinking between the Holidays, and bringing the wine is not a problem, I would be so excited about an apt like that, infact, I have been negotiating a situation for private practice, with a built in referral system, so vs spending money for all of this real estate nonsense, damn economy, I shall prey on the weak and inflicted, and offer them my plate of story, hopefully collect enough for wine, and fun, and not injur to many souls.

July 30, 2001
10:00 pm
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Alena
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GeeeeshLooouissshhhh! Gingerleigh, when I grow up I wanna be you!!
Can I have your job, your looks, and most of all, your apartment with a view of the Sound????????????????

You can have my "sacred" relationship, okay??? I have a husband, he doesn't run, doesn't drink excessively, is loyal, is almost completely housebroken, just what you're looking for, no??? If I pay for shipping, whadya say????
I WANT A PLACE OF MY OWN ON THE WATER!! I am SO crying my eyes out I can hardly see the keys. You are a lucky duck Ma'am. Just one teensy problem and that is that my hair tends to frizz in damp weather, hmmm, I'll just get a lot of No Frizz, tons.
But, what the hell do I care, I don't want another guy, I want a place with a view, so go ahead head, frizz.

You were married, remember how much fun it was?? C'mon, get a yellow lab and you will have the cleanest licked feet and face and it wont care about your thighs, in fact, it will probably encourage you to stop for Ben and Jerry's as long as you share.
You think I'm kidding, but hehehe...I'm not kidding ice-cream-breath, right now at 10pm ET, I am ready to slap a stamp on his forehead and send him airmail anywhere outahere. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrr.......
Ranmar, woof,woof, oooowwwwwoooooooo,
yip,yip........???? that was a test...
comprende'? Nah, probably not, I said MOST men, not you....and yeah, Molly, you're right.....Some of my best friends are canines, how insulting, my apologies to all my doggie buds....
GL, thanks for the invite, I'm packing, tequila and limes....wine gives me a headache....

July 31, 2001
2:25 pm
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gingerleigh
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FYI, I've got a fresh bottle of Patrone Silver in the apt... Bring enough limes and we can substitute lime seeds for corks.

Also, Tigi Bed Head Control Freak makes the frizzies just disappear.

Ice-cream-breath... Cherry Garcia, Phish Food, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough... it's all good. Please Alena, do NOT ship hubby up here, put a stamp on your own forehead. Or maybe we should all figure out where Cruise de Molly is docked...

July 31, 2001
8:18 pm
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Molly
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We be making it north on the Pacific , scheduled to make a left turn into the P.Sound, with a case of extra seeded limes.
I personally am convinced that the Black Lab is better, but then again, he is a half breed, still wondering if that means the brain kicks in earlier or later. Save your lunch money Alena, I smell a reunion or meeting or revival comming up. Yea, that stuff works, kills the friz, but not the kinks. I keep getting this line from the front hot roller, thank God for scrunchies.

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