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unsatisfied
December 29, 2000
10:09 pm
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kye
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Hi, I hope someone out there can help. I have been with the same person since fifth grade. We were married in 1990 and divorced in 1994. We went through years of getting back together and splitting up. We got back together 4 years ago and remarried in June of 99. The problem is we both still have problems that were never dealt with, I am co-dependent and so is he. I am the enabler. I control everything and feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted all the time. When I have tried to let him do things for himself, like pay bills, he always messes up, things don't get paid or he spends bill money on stupid things. I really want to change and I really want him too, but even our marriage counselor has serious doubts. How do you stop being the mother in a relationship when you have such a fear that your credit, kids, or relationship will be devasted. Please help!

December 30, 2000
1:41 pm
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janes
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We can't help really. There has to be a truly serious committment FROM YOU to CHANGE. Only you can help yourself.

You do need to remain solvent financially...so do the bills together.

Is this codependency making you happy?
Why do you need to be in control of everything?

Somehow you are getting a payoff from your codependency. What is it? Are you a better person or a better family because YOU control things?

How are your kids and husband going to learn any responsibility if you are responsible for it all?

The kids, your husband etc. will survive if you stop. Yes they will.

The controlling nature will serve to drive your kids away eventually. And remember...if you continue YOUR controlling codependent behavior they will grow up to be irresponsible children in adult bodies.

You need to do what your conunselor advises you.

Conciously let go of things that you control. Laundry...if its on the floor..it doesn't get washed. And it's not your fault either.

Dishes...make a schedule and you don't do them on your day. give away the false responsibility you have.

Have you read Melody Beattie's book Codependnet No More?

If you and your spouse want to you can change...but it IS ALL UP to the individual.

goodluck.

December 30, 2000
6:05 pm
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lewis
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Whew!!!!
I'ts hard when your the one carrying the load.
Maybe you need to let go of the responsibility, bit by bit, day by day.
Arrange time out, when you know they are going to have to look after themselves.
Independency is a beautiful thing, have some for yourself, and teach others how to do it too.
good luck.

December 31, 2000
1:41 pm
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gingerleigh
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Rah rah everyone! Kye, I sympathize COMPLETELY. (If you'd like to read a similar story, check out my thread "Making someone love you again".)

You HAVE to take care of yourself and your credit. Our friends here make some great points about letting certain responsibilities fall from your shoulders, just make sure that they are the right ones. You of course want to stop being a control freak over everyone's life, but you still need to control your own life. Keep the bills paid, that is first and foremost. Once your credit is destroyed, it's a very tough task to climb back out of that financial pit. Laundry, chores, cooking, that's simple stuff that can be pushed off. AND most likely those are the types of things that will make you feel like you have more time for yourself.

Good luck! Please let us know how it goes.

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