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Unresolved anger and jealousy issues.
February 6, 2007
12:28 pm
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RedQueen
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I've been struggling with jealousy lately. Several months ago my boyfriend of three years has been hanging out with a woman who has a very nasty reputaion. I cannot get beyond her reputaion. The two of them are in AA. She's 10 years older than my 41 year old boyfriend. I'm 31.
At first I didn't really think anything of it, because of her age. But they started hanging out more and more. Of course there has never been an occasion in which I could be invited or included. That hurt. They never told me of their plans before hand, so I never had a chance to invite myself along. They would go fishing together. Hang out and have coffee. A few times they went out of town for the day to do some shopping in a nearby larger city. It all seemed so sneaky. How come I was never allowed to know of their plans, or be invited. I am the girlfriend after all.
Anyway one day I blew up. I told my boyfriend terrible things. I verbally attacked him. It was ugly. It was wrong to display my anger so innapropriatley. I had so many fears, questions, worry, and hurt that I raged out. I wish I hadn't. I wish I hadn't attacked him like that, because I feel it has closed the door to any future discussion that is calm and rational. I'm taking responsiblity for my own actions. But since then he has been even more secretive and hiding. He won't breathe a word about this woman. I know they hang out a lot less. They don't go out of town for the day anymore. But he has a steady stream of interaction with her. He goes to her house now and then. If I ask about it he becomes angry and defensive. I don't blame him for not wanting to speak to me about it - the way I attacked him. I've apologized about that. I told him all the things I said and did I should not have, and I gave him a genuine apology. Since then I have released myself of responsibility for his actions and behaviors. I expressed the hiding and secrets were pushing me away. I've become distant because of my discomfort and uneasyness. He has assured me they are just friends. There has never been anything inappropriate between them at anytime. My head believes him, my heart says, I'm not sure. It feels good to have released myself of his behaviors. Now I am at the point of figuring out if I can live with them. I cannot control him. I still have unresolved anger though. I don't think he gets it. It was his job to be open and honest about this person he brought into our lives. He choose not to. It was his job to make sure it was never weird. It was his job to make sure there was never an aura of suspicion. He didn't do any of this. Now I am not the type of person to shove his face in all the things he did wrong. But I need to express myself. I need to do that in a way that isn't angry or confrontaional. I need to figure out if this relationship is salvagable. I need to know I've done all I can do to make it work. My goal is to have a relationship that is healthy, mature, and peaceful.
I guess I just needed to vent. If anyone has suggestions or advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

February 6, 2007
12:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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all I can say is follow your heart.

you have tried talking to him in a rational way SINCE then and he's acting irrational now...that's not your fault. You apologized, that should have ended it. But what he is doing is punishing you for erupting.

and you had DAMN GOOD REASON to "erupt", but as you said, you went about it the wrong way.

bottom line is - the cloud of suspicion is there...and he's not going to actively do anything to make it go away...he seems to have made that clear.

so, now it's your turn to decide what you can live with and what you can't.

if I were in your shoes, I would be telling him to choose between me or her. But, I found that that tactic backfires...maybe not immediately, but usually...at some point.

either he'll pick her...or he'll sweet talk you into staying...or he'll pick you but still sneak around....ultimatums rarely work.

So, if your gut says you can't handle this...take a break...walk away....see how you feel in time. Let him understand that it REALLY hurts and you mean business.

If he's smart, he'll end it with her and work on getting you back.

If there is something going on, he won't...and you will have your answer.

You have two choices...acceptance or move on....and honestly, I don't know how to tell you to accept it...I had similar situation and it did turn out he was cheating on me....twice. I don't know your situation, but it smells fishy.

February 6, 2007
1:36 pm
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Loralei
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It smells really fishy to me, too. Most of my lovers have been 10 or more years younger than me, so don't think her age makes her 'safe' for him to be around.

The very fact that you have never been included or invited to their get-togethers raises an enormous red flag. If it was on the up and up, you would have been told about every meeting in advance and been given the opportunity to show up if you chose to. He may not have any feelings for this woman, but knowing men as well as I do, I'd bet the bank that there is some kind of hanky panky going on.

Since you have already made it clear to your boyfriend that this extracurricular relationship disturbs you, and he has continued seeing her, he has made his choice already. The question is, can you live with having to share him?

February 6, 2007
2:23 pm
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doubleloss
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my sister told me: listen to your gut feelings, they are rarely off.

February 6, 2007
4:26 pm
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nappy
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If the sitution was turn around and you had the friend, how would your boyfriend act?

(I need to figure out if this relationship is salvagable.)

Salvagable still while this other woman is in the picture. Like I have said again. This man is not stupid. He knows what he is doing. With this other woman and with you. He will keep playing this game with you so that it will make you feel just like you is feeling now.

You say that they don't spend that much time together anymore, or go out of town that much.
What person (man or woman) goes out of town with another (man or woman) and expect the other person to be alright with it.
co-dependency is a real illness and the more that you learn about it then maybe you will be able to see yourself and then you may also learn how to let go of the pain and the other issues that you may think that you have. But this man is not going to make it easy for you.
If it is up to him, he will make you seem like you are the one that is crazy, not him. He is doing what he wants to do.

February 6, 2007
5:28 pm
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tracylyn
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Queen ~

I can relate all too well...

I think you just need to ask yourself if you are getting what you need from this relationship. Is it adding to who you are or taking away from you? Are you happy, content, secure?

It seems that while bf isn't in a physical relationship with this other women it appears that he is sharing an emotional relationship with her. Ask yourself if you can support that, live with that and feel comfortable with that. Had he not hid the relationship things would be different but he choose to hide it. Is that respect for you? Is that respect for the relationship?

You just need to ask yourself some tough questions and be honest about what you want, what you need and what you are willing to sacrafic to be in this relationship.

Find out "if" you can get past the anger and jealousy. It's tough...I know once that anger is there it will creep up in crazy ways no matter how much you try and be "ok" with everything. Unless you deal with the anger head on you will not be able to handle his relationship with this other woman.

Time to take care of you~~~

t

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