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Unhealthy relationship
May 27, 2004
11:45 am
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hannahsweetie
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I hope this is the right place to put this, if not then I apologise. I know my relationship isn't healthy, and I need to get out of it, but I'm worried about what will happen to him when I do.

He already doesn't trust people, he often gets upset and cries about his past and his family, he's told me he will never say he loves me. It all stems from his parents' divorce when he was young, apparently.

I know breaking up with him is going to make him worse, but I can't take it anymore. I need to think about myself instead of constantly doing things to please him. Ugh, I just don't know how to handle it.

May 27, 2004
11:56 am
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petitefour
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Hannah, I think you have come to right place. Are you married to him?
Do you have children? Does he ever make you feel good? Or is it mostly just all bad?

I am sorry that he has so many issues that are creating problems for you and your relationship now. Is he or you going to counseling or is he on any meds to help with his depression? (It sounds like he may be).

I am married (again) to an alcoholic and I know I need to leave, but do not have the strength to do so, just yet.

I wish you luck with this big decision. They are alot of special people here who can help. I am fairly new to this site and they have helped me tremendously. Take care of yourself, Hannah.

May 27, 2004
12:06 pm
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hannahsweetie
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No, we're not married, no kids, and it's a long-distance relationship, we live 3 hours apart. I have to be available whenever he wants to talk on the phone, but if he decides to turn his phone off and I can't get hold of him, apparently that's fine. Also I'm going travelling in August for a year, so we wouldn't be together anyway. The more I think about it, the more I know I have to end it soon.

He's not on any meds and not having counselling - he had one session and decided it wasn't going to help. It's that kind of refusal to help himself that makes me angry with him. He feels depressed almost permanently but he won't do anything about it. I'm slowly realising it's not my responsibility to help him, I can't "fix" him. It's hard not to want to help though. I still care about him as a person.

May 27, 2004
12:49 pm
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CAMER
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Hannah< look forward to August!!! that will be the perfect time for you to get away from him. When he is not willing to help himself, that is his issue, he does need help and seems in alot of denial of his own problems. Remeber Hannah, life goes by fast, enjoy it with a man who will treat you good, and this man sounds more depressed and bringing you down with him. Who cares if you leave him, he needs to survive on his own, one good saying is........"b4 you two met, you both had lives on your own and survived".....so leaving him may make him mad, but he will live, and he has to learn to help himself on his own. Hannah, enjoy your traveling in August and find a man who is not so selfish. You sound like a caring girl with a good heart, give it to someone who can give you the same back. Good luck!

May 27, 2004
12:52 pm
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petitefour
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Hannah-
Travelling sounds wonderful and will bring some light to the matter (time and space that will help you make sense of things), I am sure.

You sound like a beautiful, caring person......and you deserve the same and more! Welcome to the site!

May 28, 2004
8:35 am
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hannahsweetie
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Thanks to everyone - you're really helping me get this in perspective. So glad I found this site!

May 28, 2004
9:01 am
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acj
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hannahsweetie,

You are already on the right road. You can't "fix" him as you correctly put it. He is unhappy and he's trying to bring you down to his level. I just got out of a relationship like that.

You can do this and don't allow his guilt trips or self-pity to tie you down from living up to your potential and living your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for the hurt he feels. You are a wonderful person who was trying to help another. You have compassion for another human. That is the greatest gift. But you have to know when to let the self-defeating people stew in their own pots. The role he is playing is called "Martyr". With Martyrs, no matter how hard you try, they push away any help you try to give them.

I wish you the best..

acj

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