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Unhappy with Wedding
September 29, 1999
12:53 pm
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mlh
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September 27, 2010
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I graduated early from both high school and college and received my bachelor's degree at 19. I grew up in an abusive situation and so I wanted to move out as soon as possible. I decided to move in with my fiancee a week before graduating from college. My parents were very angry and tried to physically stop me from leaving, but my fiancee, sister and a friend helped me get out. My parents did not contribute to the wedding and tried to shame me for living with my fiancee before marriage. I felt scared the whole time I was trying to plan the wedding - scared that my parents would do something crazy on the big day, scared that I would run out of money, scared that I would offend someone. About a month before the big day, I asked my fiancee to let me call it off, but he said he would never speak to me again if I did. Well, the wedding day was a disaster. My parents told most of my relatives I was in a cult because we chose a non-denominational Unitarian minister. They also told them that we purposely didn't invite some more distant cousins, even though we just had to keep the guest list small because of financial constraints. Most of the guests did not show, and the ones that did left before the reception. I spent my wedding night crying and most of the next day. I try to forget what happened and focus on the good relationship I now have with my husband, but that isn't working. I think about the wedding and how ashamed I feel for not doing it right almost every day. I hid the wedding photos in the back of the closet because they make me sad. I am still not well accepted by most of my family because of things associated with the wedding or because my parents have told them bad things about me. Still, I go to all of the family functions and see both my grandmothers often. I really want to be accepted as a good person - I feel terrible about not starting off my marriage right, and sometimes I wonder how any good can come out of a relationship were the beginning was so screwed up. Sometimes I want out, so I can start over in a fresh relationship and someday have the wedding of my dreams with all of my family there. Of course, now I'm just used goods and no one views the second wedding the same as the first, so I know I wasted my only chance.
Please help me - what should I do? Should I try to start over or how do I forget the horrible wedding day?
- MLH

September 29, 1999
3:35 pm
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Anonymous
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God, Dear Mlh, my heart broke when i read your post, it made me cry. I feel so sorry for you and your situation. Dear you must understand that YOU are not the problem. I too had a mother that went out of her way to ruin my life if she could not control me. It was a horrible thing. We are now talking for the first time as she has had some strong personality changes since my brother is now dying from aids. It has brought us closer together and she has admitted all the abuse against me and regrets all of it. She was in a great deal of pain and fear. I do not know where to begin in response to your post other than STATING THIS A ND PLEASE HEAR THIS, YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILT FOR THE HORRIBLE TREATMENT YOU RECEIVED AT THE HANDS OF YOUR PARENTS. RUINING YOUR WEDDING THE WAY THEY DID IS OUTRAGEOUS AND ABUSIVE. CONTROLLING YOU TO THE EXTENT OF PHYSICALLY PREVENTING YOU FROM LEAVING THEIR HOME AND MANIPULATING ALL YOUR RELATIVES AGAINST YOU IN SUCH A WAY ON WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN ONE OF THE HAPPIEST DAYS OF YOUR LIFE, IS PURE HATRED. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU FEEL GUILTY TOWARDS YOUR HUSBAND, AND STILL HOPE FOR YOUR FAMILY TO COME TOGETHER. You are commited to your husband despite the wedding from hell, you need to be mature and sensible and realise that the lack of family support and out right vengeance against you is causing problems in your marriage therefore you should get as far away from them as possible untill you find a stronger footing in yourself and in your marriage.
You are obviously suffering from low self esteem and lack of boundaries by the way you talk and you need to work on building up both. Blessings to you, I did it so can you. Hugs mlh

September 30, 1999
12:43 pm
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AlDog
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mlh-
I agree with everything tears said. Surround yourself with people who love you. Focus on the love you and your husband share. Marriage is not the wedding. Set a goal....like throwing yourself a huge party at your 20th wedding anniversary. I can understand wanting your families support. I also can understand why you must have needed to move out of your parents home. Your first responsibility is to your husband now, not to your parents. Don't look for a fresh start with someone new...your parents seem like they will never approve and your might not find the happiness you have in a new husband. Make the right choices. Your fresh start should be this morning.
1- concentrate on your marriage and focus on the love there
2- your parents must learn to love you unconditionally, loving all your choices
3- you need to be the best that you can be. Always be proud of your choices and make right choices for right reasons....not for approval from others.
4- love your (future)children and husband unconditionally.
Best of luck. Know that God loves you always!

September 30, 1999
5:08 pm
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mlh
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Thank you for your advice and support. I have never talked with anyone about this before, and it feels so good to have someone respond kindly. I have a pretty happy relationship with my husband, we've been best friends since high school, and I never wanted to really leave him. I guess I just feel sad over the lost dream of the "perfect" wedding. When I look at the situation rationally, I know that I worked as hard as I could at planning. I worked over 50 hours a week to save up for the wedding and so did my husband - and I know that we did the best job we could with what we had to work with. We had a pretty cake and flowers and a nice dinner. All of the things we could control, we did a good job of planning. I guess you just can't control other people - and no matter how nice of a party you throw, if someone is determined to spoil it, they probably will. I like AlDog's idea of throwing an anniversary party - by our twentieth, everyone will have forgotten what happened and after twenty good years of marriage, we will really have something to celebrate. 🙂

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