Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
unhappy marriage
November 6, 2000
8:06 pm
Avatar
autumn38
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been married for twenty years. We have not been intimate for many years. Whenever I try to be intimate my husband rejects me ever way possible. We never make love never. When I try to discuss it with him, he becomes very frustrated and wants to change the subject. I am going crazy I don't feel like a woman I feel like I've been robbed of my feminity and all emotions that a woman should feel! He never tells me that he loves me or anything of that nature. There's absolutely nothing. Together we have two beautiful boys that can sense there is a problem. I am so afraid to leave!

November 6, 2000
10:03 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How old is your husband? Is he on medication? Often when men know there is dysfunction they don't discuss it, and avoid anything that might lead to dissappointment, or failure. Been there with mine. It will lead to depression, they go through menopause too!!! Low testerone levels effect all kinds of things, talk to him, and go to counseling first, leaving is not the only solution.

November 6, 2000
10:04 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I believe that Dr McGraw, is going to discuss this on Oprah tommorow. Worth looking at just maybe.

November 7, 2000
11:52 am
Avatar
hurt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am 22 years old and my husband just walked on me today. The problems started (I think) two months ago when he started becoming distant and wanted to be in the streets more than spend time with me. He and I dated for two years and six months. We've been married for two years and eight months. We used to spend a lot of time together and until just recently I thought everything was fine. This past weekend he didn't come home friday night and he didn't come home until 2 a.m. Sunday morning. He said he needed time to think, because he didn't know if he still loves me or not. He started leaving for work earlier than usual for a few weeks now, so this morning I went to his job to see if he was there. He wasn't of course, so I waited for him to arrive. When he did he was not alone. Their was a woman in the car with him. He saw me and he didn't say a word to me. I kept calling his name and he just kept walking. Two hours later he came and picked up his clothes. What should I do? I still love him and I can't help but wish he would come home.0

November 7, 2000
6:08 pm
Avatar
MikesMom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hurt, of course you wish he would come home.. Ive been there, but quite a few years ago and I was older than you with two children. Did the two of you talk when he came home to pick up his clothes. Would he be willing to go to counseling? You need to talk to him to find out where he stands with this woman. Another person in the picture makes it very difficult to work out your troubles together. I wonder how long this has been going on? Maybe it won't last long, but are you willing to forgive ?. You definitely have a process to go through, but you can do it....I hope he will communicate with you honestly and openly so you can work this through. Pray a lot!

November 7, 2000
6:15 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would suggest giving him his space right now, and take ascertive action for your self. Protect your self financially, get some legal advice, and seek counseling. This is not a good start in a new marriage. I hope for all that there are no children involved. But for your financial well being protect your ass etts. Freeze the accounts, your not going to need financial troubles with a broken heart. It sounds callous, but when war strikes we need to act as warriors, not victims. You didn't say how old he is or his history other than it sounds like you spent the "right amount of time together, before" if he is as young as you, he might be feeling the panic of committment, and has demonstrated poor, to say the least character. Did he cheat while dating? Get with people who love you, or get some counseling, you need to be strong, even though the rug has been pulled out from under you, get angry, and exercise.

November 8, 2000
1:15 pm
Avatar
MikesMom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with Molly. Protect yourself financially. You don't need that headache along with all the emotional upheaval. You don't want to find out that your money is gone and you have nothing to take care of yourself. I have seen so many people think of this as betraying their partner, but you need to think of yourself. I know one of the first things I did when my husband left was to close the checking account, open one in my name. I closed the savings account and had someone I trusted hold the money for me until the divorce was settled. Then I gave him half. I have never regretted this and I don't think there would have been any money if I didn't. It also will make you feel good afterwards, because it is one less thing to worry about and I know I felt this gave me about the only power I had at that time. Then you can focus on your marriage and what you need to do to work through that.

November 10, 2000
9:49 pm
Avatar
hurt1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, I am the same hurt who wrote on November 7, 2000. I just forgot my password. Thank you Molly and MikesMom for your kind words and advice. You've helped me think about things that had not crossed my mind. When he came home to pick up his clothes he didn't say anything to me. He just looked at me like he hated me. I've never seen him look at me like that. That really scared me and hurt me at the same time. He is 25 and he will be 26 in December. He was my first boyfriend and my first love. He is the only man I've ever been with emotionally and physically. That is why it is so hard for me to accept that he does not want me anymore. I asked him to go to counseling with me. He said he didn't know if he wanted to do that or not. I try to believe that I can forgive him for cheating on me, but I can't forget it. He called me and asked me why did I put him out. He said that the woman I saw him with was his cousin. When I saw him with her that morning (Tuesday November 7th) I walked over to her and asked her what was she doing with my husband, and she said that she was his cousin. Now he's saying the same thing too. Am I stupid for wanting to believe him? My mother and my sister said he is lieing. I don't know whether to believe him or to let him go. I am financially secure, and when I gradute from college in December 2001 I hope to get my career started, but I don't want to get my life started without him. It want be worth living. I pray to God everyday and when it seems like the pain is faiding, it always come right back. Please help me I don't what to do. My love for him is killing me emotionally.

November 10, 2000
10:31 pm
Avatar
hurt1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I forgot to mention earlier that we do not have any children. He had been saying for a long time that he wants children, and we've been trying to have them since we got married. I don't think I can have any children, and I'm glad that we don't have any because I would really be hurt even more if he was treating me and my child this way. He has never been this cruel to me before. He has never cheated on me before(at least to my knowlegde). We spent mostly all of our time together when we were not working. Should I hold on? Or should I let go? At this very moment I don't know where he is. He told me earlier today that he wanted to work things out, but he's not here trying. I'm so hurt.

November 11, 2000
1:15 pm
Avatar
prelude
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am going through something similar. Except it hasn't been that long. I am trying to nip it in the( butt)... like some would say. As soon as i have noticed a difference in my husband's behavior, I started asking questions. I even went so far as to accuse him of having an affair. I thought there was no other explanations to the fact that he didn't want to make love anymore...
After a lot of frustration, i found out that he was just very stressed out at work and with everything in general...
We talk a lot and it is still not over but I think with a lot of patience things will get better.
So after all this my advice to you is to find out the source of the problem and attack that and not him...
I know it's hard trust me i'm the most impatient person. I had to know right away but I think that if you really want to save your marriage you both deserve to give it a shot...
Best of luck!!!
Prelude

November 11, 2000
3:32 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Give it some space, but protect your self, let him come round to you, and don't I know this is hard, let it get in the way of your focus. Get the book relationship rescue, and check it out, start writing in a journal, it helps formulate thoughts, and work out the pain and anger in the gym, or at least with tennis shoes on. What ever the out come it will be ok.

November 11, 2000
4:50 pm
Avatar
autumn38
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Molly for your reply. My husband is 45 years old. He is not on any medication, this started after four years of our marriage. I've been to counselling, he doesn't want to participate and the only way this will help is if my counsellor can speak to him, after all he is the one with the problem. I know that leaving is not the only option but right now I don't know where else to turn.

November 16, 2000
9:42 am
Avatar
goldhair
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Autumn, I see you are quick to say that he is the one with the problem. However, it takes two to have a satisfied marriage. In society we tend to give up quickly and I guess that's why we have a high divorce rate. Apparently, somethin is going on with your husband that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing with you. You keep attending those counseling sessions and maybe discuss portions of the session with your husband. Hang in there.

November 16, 2000
6:03 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Some I believe do want to toss in the towel to soon, but I think the biggest mistake we make is jumping into the relationships before we a) really know who we are or what we want, b) don't know the person that we are committing to c) rather than working out all the details, that a partnership needs, take for granted that we have the same agenda's and agreed to it some where. Buildings , like relationships need strong foundations, with good material.

November 16, 2000
7:31 pm
Avatar
autumn38
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Molly, Perlude and Goldhair for the advise it always helps to talk outside your family and friends. Perlude , you are right it does take two to have a satisfied marriage, however, I do not believe that I was quick to say that he is the one with the problem. For years I blamed myself and repeatedly, asked myself where did I go wrong??? After some good counselling I've learned to deal with it and is in a healing process. I don't feel guilty and I don't feel as though I'm the problem, I do feel sad for him because we could have such a wonderful relationship if he would open up. My biggest wish is for us to have good communication skills, which we also lack in. So not only am I dealing with the lack of intimacy but the lack of communication. All I can do is continue on with my counselling and hopefully he will open up one day.
Thanks so much for caring guys

November 16, 2000
9:58 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have found through my beloved, ugh ugh spouse, that trust, and fear, is his block. He thought he had worked through most of it, but something some how has triggered a relapse. It is not me but his past. I have never done anything to cause him distrust, and he knows it. When we unloaded the trailor, when I moved back his words to me were imagine, I trust you with my life, but not the details of my life or some thing as trivial as money. 6 months later, when, faced with his high blood pressure, I suggested that we have a house hold bank account, a power of attourney for me, and a key to his office, he is self employed, when there was no response to this 2 months later I asked so what is up with the plans of the finances, currently being a kept woman, he yelled from the top of the stairs, I can't trust you. so often with all the stuff, we wonder, we seek solutions, but it definately can be them. so like the advice I give, I am taking care of business, not because I don't trust, just because I am not stupid. But I must admit, his lack of trust creates a catch 22, how much of this is projection?????

November 17, 2000
10:55 pm
Avatar
alexis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i am not happy in my marriage. this is the third time, i have taken him back. i really dont love him any more. i am in love with some one else. my husband kicks me out every time he gets drunk. i cant take is mental abuse anymore.

November 19, 2000
1:58 pm
Avatar
peggy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hellow i have been married for 20 years.we have 4 kids 17,15,11,4 .married right out of school.i guess what iam sayiny i stayed for the kids and i know that is not right .i feel like iam just doing time and iam so un happy i do not want sex anymore.he has never hit me or raised his voice .he is a good dad .i just want more but i dont know what very confused

November 19, 2000
4:37 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey girls(women).... reread these posts....

"I feel like I am doing time....."
"Am abused, I get kicked out, I've taken him back 3 times, I love someone else..."
"no trust, no money"

Let's step back away from this and see...

What would we advise our best friends or our daughters to do in these situations.

I really agree with what Molly said on 11/16....we jump into relationships without knowing ourselves (fulfilling holes in our own self esteem...or trying to...) -Don't REALLY know the other person -and Just Do It rather than counting the costs before hand.

But even knowing that does not change the situations we end up in...

What to do........If you (we) won't go to therapists and counselors then we need to self diagnose and try to help ourselves.

Problems in relationships could be codependency....depression...anxiety...
abuse...addiction....etc etc. etc.

We all have the power to change ourselves. and change our SELF.

Sometimes it is simpole as changing your outlook on what is happening.

Spouse won't giv eyou sex...Ultimatum time...? It is part of the natural human contition to "want it".

Spouse/significant other won't trust...
hmmmm...what's the message there?

Sometimes as women we are so well trained to be the nurturers that we will nurture until our lives are spent and we end feeling little or no fulfillment from the act that is supposed to make us feel the most complete (Is this a myth?) NO. Maybe not. It doesn't have to be.

Don't we meed to be strong? Yes. But do we have to be strong doormats? Should WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO BE USED AND ABUSED IN THE NAME OF LOVE? Never.

Required reading:

Melody Beattie - Coodependent no more (and the workbook)

Dr. Amen - Change your Brain, Change your Life

Or just go to the self help/psychology section of your nearest library or bookstore, sit down and browse through the books. We CAN HELP OURSELVES.

Or...go to the yellow pages find the counseling or psycholgy section and pick a therapist...find a group...if you are in a metropolitan area. Seek professional help...even if seems like such a little problem. (YOU aren't worth it? hogwash)

Unless we help ourselves we canot help others. Recent article in Reader's digest pointed out that women are dying like flies from heart attacks....one reason...ours are different then men's.

Another.....we are more likely to do the laundry cook dinner and clean the house WHILE HAVING THE ATTACK and then we go to emergency.

HEY ... As a product of the 60's and 70's I know I have every right to all the perks as any man....so why are we letting them hurt us and run us ragged?

BECAUSE WE LET THEM!!!! This is not love...it is an illness.

We need to cure ourselves of it. Unless your mate or significant other is listening...change your life and maybe he will change his. We have every right to be as happy and fulfilled as we can be. There are no excuses for allowing ourselves to be used and abused.

If you are staying for the sake of the kids...remember your reltionship with their dad is giving them the blueprint for their marrage too. If what you have is what you want them to have..esp your daughters...stay...if not...leave.

We are people too.

Love ya.

Just my personal thoughts.

November 19, 2000
8:05 pm
Avatar
autumn38
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Janes for you're personal thoughts!! So true, why do we as women continue dealing with out of the sorts marriages????? For the kids ya I'm guilty of that too. It's so unhealthy for children to witness such unhappy relationships between their parents.

November 20, 2000
7:51 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Janes again right on, we get lazy, we get caught up in fantasy, we are conviently reality based and know the difficulty, and gosh it is easier to whine than to actually do what needs to be done to make change. We have or used to be taught that we are nothing but second class if we don't have a man, hold on to our man, or put up with a man. We loose often our social, economic and family status if we let go, so it is scarey, and then there is the hold on to the nest crap. There are no guarentee's today, and there is a cost for everything. Are you willing to pay it, if so do the work, if not then quit whinning, quit trying to change those around you, quit the blaming and own that if it ain't what you want quit co-signing it, and move on. There are just to many books, groups, tv shows etc to continue on in the limbo its him position.

November 23, 2000
10:10 am
Avatar
being me
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey yall first I'm a guy and I've been married for 18 years and I love my wife very much BUT I just cann't take it anymore. I have givin all I can give the house is naste and our three kids (all girls) are growing up not knowing how to clean up behide themself at all. I have a sixteen year old I am fighting with about how to deal with her mouthly issue. can stay on long but please tell me somthing.

Thanks
B

November 24, 2000
8:27 am
Avatar
murph411
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Janes: Sometimes men are too scared to change, even to scared to listen. That doesn't mean bail out. I don't know the solution. But I know being male in today's society is not easy. Everything society tell us we should be, from a very young age, seems to go against the grain of what women want (need even) men to be for them.

November 24, 2000
10:23 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How about just being "good people"...

If you don't want it done to you. dont do it to the person you "love"

Study, read, get counseling, be honest, be true etc etc etc.

It's not just a women's problem...it's for men too.

IF anyone male or female is an abuser...verbal, emotional or physical.. "to scared to change" is not a good defense.

No person male or female needs to allow abuse of any type in their lives.

Each of us can be strong and "take it" or each of us can be strong and "get out" It's an individual thing.

CHANGE CAN HAPPEN...it makes us uncomfortable whether we are changing or our mate is changing.

Change is good. Change is inevitable.

But to excuse abusive behavior is not a good thing.

Have the house professionally cleaned and then take care of it . Teach your daughters by example how to keep house. My sisters and i whined about having to help mom....but now we keep house like her. But if your wife doesn't have that as a personal goal and you do...whose problem does it become? YOurs and not hers. You can get her to leave and then keep the house the way you want it.
But good luck...maybe she''ll accept your way. What is the message she is sending you with not keeping a clean house?

Just m personal thoughts

November 25, 2000
7:59 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Like Janes speaks don't just complain, and then jump, there is some sort of message there, like maybe depression? An unhappy and unwilling mate can trigger all sorts of acting out, and the girls will follow, unless you step up to the plate. here is a picture for you, the wife is unhappy, you are sourrounded with females, you split figuring for a better place, and the wife totally caves in, and guess who is comming to dinner, your daughters. Then you will be forced to take action that you could have demonstrated while still in the home. Now you have no wife, bills from the divorce double house payments and still the daughters. Think very carefully.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
49 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109308

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

poutingDazy, fuhbggbyfDazy, korotkovat2, ctvfDazy, baytxser, muleDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer