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Unhappy in Love
September 27, 2003
1:17 pm
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nattie
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Hi everyone,
Haven't been here in awhile, been trying to deal with things alone and I can't anymore. I've talked to my father and some friends but the outcome is all the same, just leave.

I am now living with my boyfriend who is a control freak. He is a busy body, a day person who is always up and out doing whatever, whenever. I work nights so I am a night person, laid back and easy going.

Our personalities have clashed so much lately that he says he cannot take it anymore, yet I think he is the most awesome person in the world who I love. I feel like he looks at me like such a lazy, get nothing done, child. And he has called me a child, many a times.

The problem is my hours are different. I sleep during the day and he feels that if we are PARTNERS I should be helping him with the mortgages, finances, paperwork etc.

I make HALF as much as he does but yet feel that I am giving 100%. I live at his house, which I agreed but still hate the neighborhood. A guy got shot in front of our door for christ sake. He never had time to take care of his house before because of all his other commitments. So I take care of it. I cook dinner, food shop, clean, do laundry yet it doesn't seem good enough. I enjoy getting home at 2am and staying up for a few hours to do my art work. Sleep my 8 hours till around 12 or 1 and then back to work by 5, leave by 4. I use to live 5 minutes from work, now with the traffic it's almost an hour.

I am the most easy going, good hearted person you'll ever meet. I hate to argue but do now just to defend my position. He is cold and acts like nothing is wrong after we fight. I told him we have problems and to stop acting like nothing is wrong. We haven't been close in weeks. And continues to say things under his breath about how much HE IS DOING and HOW HE DOES MORE THEN ME IN ONE DAY THEN I DO IN A WEEK.

I don't give a shit. I'm sorry that he is so busy but what the hell am I suppose to do. He has work problems, I can't help. He buys properties and maintains them, I try to help but I'm not a contractor. He plays sports, I am an artist. He sleeps 6 or less hours a night, I need my rest cause I go into work late and work till 2am.

I've made this house we live in so nice and he does agree but it's just NOT enought anymore.

Our relationship was so awesome cause we can talk about anything and everything but apparantley he just doesn't like me anymore and I don't know what to do.

I am 31 and have been through alot, getting back on my feet. I could barely afford an apartment and finally saving some money and paying my bills, getting back to my artwork.

I'm so sad cause I can't afford to move out, I'd have to live at home which is not an option. I thought my life was finally starting with a house and someday a family.

I'm sick to hear my friends having babies and have their lives started and here I am 31 and feel like I'm so far behind. It's something that I wish for everyday and am so scared that IF this doesn't work out, I'll have to start all over AGAIN.

I know if it doesn't get better we may end up in divorce 10 years down the road but don't want that. I think we really have something good if he just understood me and let me be who I AM.

Please help!! I don't know what to say to him anymore and feel like a failure.

xo
Nattie

September 27, 2003
7:00 pm
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unhappy camper
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Would he be willing to enter into counseling with you?

Perhaps it was a case of opposites attracting. Is he still affectionate?

Can you compromise on the work hours?

Keep talking. If you write and write, some of the answers will come out. Or at least, a clear picture of the choices you have.

September 27, 2003
11:58 pm
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nattie
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I mentioned the counseling thing to him, he seemed reluctant but I'll ask again. We went at one point to one session and it was helpful so I really want to go.

As far as affection goes, I told him a few months ago that he doesn't hug me anymore or anything, he only seems affectionate when he wants sex, so he has told me he is looking at that and trying to change. We've been arguing for the past 2 weeks so we haven't done anything, which is ODD for us.

I am looking for a day job but really don't want one. I'm gonna work on my art projects and build a nice collections so one day I can open my own store, which I've always wanted. I'm do alot of different things so I'd like to make a living at it.

I've been thinking about all this today and for the past 2 weeks. I've come to the conculsion that I have to do what I have to do. I'm gonna do my artwork, go to work etc. I'm miserable as all hell when I go home and honestly feel like it's a second job sometimes. I worked today at 5 and am still at work as I type, probably be here till 1am. I was up at 12 and he was already out the door and doing things by 10am, even though we both went to bed at 4am. He has so much energy it's insane. I don't!!!!

September 28, 2003
12:06 am
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mj
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This morning I was thinking why don't we talk like we use to. Then I discovered that if I talk first then he starts talking and after a spell, we were yaking away and feeling close again. Maybe you just need to have another heart to heart with your loved one, maybe it will reveal some unknowns. Listen to what he tells you and think about it.

I use to get in power struggles with my hubby daily and then I started asking myself, how important is this today...usually it was pretty petty.
Maybe you can tell him how much he means to you and that you want to work things out. Hugs....

September 28, 2003
12:53 am
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unhappy camper
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Do you think it's possible you may be suffering from depression? That could cause lack of energy and vitality and poor sleep.

September 28, 2003
7:31 am
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nattie
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I hear ya mj and thanks for responding unhappy camper.....I do suffer from depression and take Paxil. I've been trying to get off of it but haven't had any luck yet. I have lots of literature and have been attempting this since early 2002.

I initially started taking it for PMS and then had anxiety attacks so I've continued, it's been about 5 years now.

I know I'm depressed sometimes but other times feel very happy. Most of the time I am happy and OK with my life. It's up until he says these things to me that I feel worthless and a failure. I don't even know anymore if he's kidding around, putting me down or being honest and giving me suttle hints on what I need to change for the better. I feel ok yet I feel like he sucks the spark out of my existence.

I do love him and in a few days it should be fine, but then it all starts again. We have broken up so many times but now that we live together we can't exactly NOT CALL. We HAVE to SEE eachother and deal with it.

It's 7:30 am EST and I am still awake. I've been downstairs, working on my Stained Glass Projects since I've come home from work which was around 2am.

Going to bed soon and I know he'll be up at 9am huffing and puffing at how I am still sleeping. I enjoy staying up sometimes to work but he still makes me feel awful about it. It's not fair when I work these hours!! I've done graphs and figured out that we have the same exact waking hours/sleeping hours but on different schedules.

God Forbid I wake him in the middle of the night/morning. He can wake me up when he wakes up and open up the curtains, telling me to get up!! I hate it.

I hate that we are fighting and that he just can't laught at the person I am sometimes. I love him and admire him and wish I could be like him, but I'm NOT, i never will be.

blah blah

Thanks for listening.

xo
Nattie

September 28, 2003
8:05 am
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Lar
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Hi,

I have been going to counseling for my problems with my husband who is an addict to pain meds. I come from a family with a father who was an alcoholic and a chaotic life. I feel so unhappy in this marriage of 11 years. I am constantly suspiscous of everything my husband does. Per his request I bought him a cell phone so that myself and our 2 children could call him need be (as he has a bad tendency to leave without letting anyone knowing where he is). I called his cell phone for the first time today and he did not answer, but called back 15 min later. I was not very nice to him on the phone (as he always questions me as to why I don't answer my phone, so it was more of payback). When I got home he said that I would not keep a leash on him and know his every move so he gave me the cell phone back and told me to give it to someone else. I went off and said he obviously had something to hide. He said he did not wanting me to review every little call he made or call received.

Help - does this sound like a problem or am I making a big deal out of this.

I have talked him into counseling together but he stated "only if I did not bash him." He knows that I have went to an Al-anon meeting and is very upset that I would do that. He thinks he does not have a problem and that I am making a big deal over nothing. (this is someone who cannot make his pain meds last until his refil, chews and snorts his meds (occassionaly), and gets addt'l meds from other people.

Thanks to anyone who has any suggestions.

September 28, 2003
9:00 am
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cnm
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Hi

This is the first time, I will be ever communicating my problem to anyone. In all probability what I am going to write it is going to sound very psychotic. But that's what my situation is. I am 24 years old. So far I have had 2 relationships which have been the most exciting in the world and at the same time have made me feel my worst. My first relationship, started off very passionately, and in the course of 2 years I feel sick with stress, I started shouting for no reason, I revealed parts of my personality which I myself did not know existed. This guy that I got involved with is a brilliant, golden hearted human being. Everyone loves him. Very cute looking. Parties like crazy, never attended classes, we were both Penn students at the time. He was never sober. Always high on Pot. Drank a lot at parties. No daytime drinking. He was always asleep during the day. His apartment was a pig sty. He only played videogames when he was awake. Mylife on the other hand, was very conservative, never liked clubbing as much, never smoked or drank at all. Pot was out of the question. But I loved this guy. Don't know what I found so attractive. I loved the way he loved me. His whole life centred around me. He became obsessed. I realized this only later for the first year or 18 mos. I thought he was crazy aobut me. I treated him like shit he still was always there. I screamed at him for his lazy good for nothing life. He asked me to support him and love him and said that he would change everything. That was enough for me to hear. I wasn't going anywhere after hearing all this from him, no matter how digusted I felt at not only his life but our relaitonship too. So unreliable, never emotionally there for me. But I thought it too selfish to give importance to that and constantly tried to be the kind of person that would get him to change and then that would change our relationship, and since I was anyways in love with him my happiness would be the net result. So I slogged at it and kept it up. Also even if I tried to let go, I would think of him and his voice and I craved his presence even though I was in tears because of him and my head spinning because of my shouting session. He would just hear me shout and not say anything. It was a one man show. He did make changes in his life. He sobered up. did not drink as much and also gave up smoking nicotine which he was also addicted too. The sadest part is that I did not feel much different about the relaitonship once these changes were set in motion. I have no idea what kept me unfulfilled. Afcourse his life and his days centred aroundme and my phone calls. I graduated from school and worked 5,000 miles across the country from him. I met new people there, did well at work and then attracted this man into my life. He was a complete opposite. Worked for a bank, lead a life very similar tomine, did al the right things was what one called perfect. I did get involved with him, only because he was such a refreshing break from my earlier boyfriend. But I got uninvolved too. Found him very boring. Just didn't feel the same excitement or passion nothing. There have been 2-3 other people in my life, who have liked me I have found them boring no fun. The one guy that I did get involved with again is someone who is again brilliant, writes beautiful poetry very attractive and passionate about everything. We got very close, but he is also very weird. Whatever little bit stresses him out, he alienates himself from people he is close to. He is sarcastic, says mean things or just does not say anything at all. He always has 100 things on his mind that are bothering him. If he does explain it, they're all abstract concepts. HIs best short at really expressing himself are through his poems. The underlying theme of which is questioning the purpose of life. What does it take to be happy etc. He is very well read so he all these theories and philosopies in his head and then he puts them together and comes up with his own. In the begining I found all this soo exciting I loved it. Now it frustrates me. I hate the way he shuts me out and treats me like a stranger when something is bothering him. Afcourse everytime he tells me that I know this bothers you and I will share with you next time. But he also tells me that I won't understand and there is no real point in tlaking about it. Our conversation just goes on in cirlces like this. This happens 60-70% of the time. Then he will take me in his arms and tell me how much he cares for me and how he as realized that I would make him very happy but for some reason he cannot make the commitment yet. He is older. 29 ys and I am 23 ys old. I feel the sincerity in his voice and his talk when he tells me that he really cares. I feel sometimes that is enough and whatever else I have to deal with is not such a big problem after all. But I can feel it in my gutts , that I am repeating the same pattern!!! what will it take for this to stop?? Why is it that I don't get attracted to sane sober people?

September 28, 2003
9:43 pm
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nattie
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I am not one to give advice to you guys right now, I'm in the worst way right now, very depressed and feeling broken hearted by his silence. I feel sick to go home and see him and feel the tension. I feel so disconnected I can barely speak, to him or anyone.

I read your stories, thanks for sharing them. I guess this whole thing with "love" can be a total mess and at the same time be the best thing in the world. I don't understand it at all. How two people can love eachother, treat eachother badly, fight and then fall out of love.

It's like a quote I read before....

Love starts with a smile, grows from a kiss and ends with a tear.

I'm so sad I just might puke! 🙁

xo
Nattie

September 30, 2003
1:22 am
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DrunkIronhead
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You could always live on your own. That way, you get to do what you want when you want whenever you want.

September 30, 2003
1:51 am
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DrunkIronhead
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Of course, that is much easier said than done but always keep that possibility in the back of my head. It's good to have plan B.

September 30, 2003
8:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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There are humorous quotes out there that make us smile, but what makes them so damn memorable is that they are true... "dog people shouldn't marry cat people" being one that springs to mind.

I also believe that day people night people are setting themselves up for a real challenge in a relationship. I have never seen a single instance where this has worked. I work with some folks who work swing and graveyard shift in our operations center, and not a single one of them has been able to stay in a relationship once moving to an off-hours shift, except for one guy who works swing shift and his wife works the same shift on security at a local casino. I have never seen any research to support this, but I think that day people and night people have different working styles and excel in different areas. Day people tend to be able to finish 20 things in a day, moving from task to task to task. Night people pick projects that take the same amount of work as those 20 tasks the day person did, but it comes out looking like much less got accomplished. Day people and night people have difficulty appreciating the work that the other does, and without a lot of working together and really trying to see the situation from the other person's point of view, it can be a volatile and resentful relationship.

October 1, 2003
10:59 am
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artist 2
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You have plenty of time to start a family.

Sounds like you're just not the same kind of people. He's a sport and you're an artist. That's about the most opposite you can get.

I'd say stay true to yourself and your artwork, above all. You've given what you can, he needs to compromivse. But, sometimes when a person it not completely mature, it's hard for them to see where they can improve.

I hope you can seek counseling. It must be exciting to be so opposite, but very difficult as well. You might have to choose one day.

October 2, 2003
4:10 am
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nattie
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I wanted to update you on our progess. I think it's going pretty well so far.

We had a complete blow out 2 nights ago and really got some good feeling out. I finally got through that thick skull of his that he cannot TELL me do something and BOSS me around. He can ASK and of course I will do it cause I love him.

Gingerleigh really nailed it on the head saying how Day and Night people are so different and how each one of them is so resentful. I hate that I stay up sometimes and wish I could live normal but I feel creative at this time but wish I could switch my schedule around.

When I come hom at 1 or 2am from work I do artwork or work on my photography, do bills and fiddle with my email, send letters, replies whatever then go to bed around now, 4am, sleep till 1 or 2 get up, clean, coo or do laundry, watch TV and go to work by 5pm .

If I get up too early and run around all day, I'm too tired during work especially at the end of the day at 11pm when it's the busiest, so I make sure I sleep enough and don't do too much before work.

It's sooo hard cause he calls me and I don't answer, I'm asleep. So here he is at 1pm and accomplished more then I do in a day. I'd like to get a day job but struggle with the day to day routine of things. This gives me options to sleep or not to sleep, that is the question and I enjoy saying yay or nay. Maybe I'm just Lazy? I don't know, he seems to think so. I honestly feel like I do alot and get alot done, even on this schedule. Blah Blah.

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. I really needed to get this all out.

xo
Nattie

October 2, 2003
11:25 am
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unhappy camper
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Try making two lists.

Your daily schedule with every chore you do and work and art and personal interests etc.

His daily schedule with every chore he does and work and personal interests and whatever etc.

Compare them.

October 2, 2003
8:58 pm
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nattie
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Good thought Unhappy Camper. Thanks to everyone for all your advice.

I made a chart on our sleep patterns and showed it to him. They really are exact just at two different times of the day. It's so strange how even though our wake versus sleep patterns are the same, it looks like I sleep more and do less. Pisses me off cause I don't.

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