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Unfair expectations, what do I do?? Suggestions please
November 12, 2005
1:14 pm
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Anonymous
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I'm in a relationship right now where if his needs don't get met, he walks out the door, says mean things to me, and just a basic feeling of punishment by him if I don't anticipate his every need and meet them, he doesn't want to talk about it, and leaves me feeling like there is something wrong with me. For example, last night he asked me if the heat was on and I was sleeping and I told him I don't know, I'm sleeping. He gets up and says he's out of here, and off he'll go, he won't call for days, sometimes weeks, then he'll call and be all contrite and sorry and blah, blah, blah. I'm so exhausted and sick of this.

When I have a need, I share with him, he gets mad at me and says I'm insecure. However, its because I do feel secure in myself that I ask for what I need, which is basically communicating to him that I need to be treated with respect, as I do him. I'm at my wits end. I'm exhausted. I'm feeling like I need to end this relationship but, every time I do, I feel so guilty. Guilty about what??? Who the heck knows, I'm writing this in the hopes that I can get some clarity from others out there. I feel like I'm doing all the giving in this relationship and getting next to nothing back. He obviously gives me just barely enough to keep me in this thing, its wearing on me and damaging my self esteem---any kind of insight would be much appreciated. Thanks...

November 12, 2005
1:23 pm
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Nevermore
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You sound like me- classic codependent who stayed in an abusive relationship because I felt powerless.

I found it really helpful to read other threads and hear how so many of us are going through the same things.

Focus on you- what would make you want to stay in this relationship if your needs aren't being met.

I learned so much from reading about codependency and saw how growing up in a dysfunctional household with an alcoholic father has set me up with a whole set of self-defeating learned behaviors.

I hope you use this relationship to look at the patterns in your life.

Know that you're not alone!

November 12, 2005
1:47 pm
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Anonymous
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Thank you nevermore for the insight and support. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I realize that this behavior is abusive, and I don't want it or need it anymore. So, I'm ending it. I will probably need support in helping me follow through because he has a way of luring me back. Any practical suggestions would be much appreciated. I can not longer be in this damaging, abusive relationship. I can no longer give him any more chances. I need out...and I feel so guilty. What is up with the guilt? Hopefully I'll figure that one out too. Thanks again..

November 12, 2005
3:23 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Mimi,

I understand very well how you feel. I have been there and am in the process of ending my own abusive relationship.

The best advice I can give you is....first, to be patient. You have put up with this for this long...there is no need to end it RIGHT NOW unless you are in physical danger. Sometimes the best decision is no decision.

Most of the time, guilt comes from our own self doubt and is usually the force that allows us to take them back.

Take the time to work on you. Keep the focus on yourself and your recovery. LEARN about codependency. A couple of good books to start with are....

1. Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood

2. Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie.

Attend Codependency meetings. You can find them in your area at http://www.coda.org. Or if you have been affected by the affects of another's drinking or any other addiction, you may consider attending Alanon.

Find a therapist that specializes in codependency. Therapy coupled with a support group such as CODA or Alanon, will help a great deal.

This is not an overnight fix or an easy process, so get yourself a support system. Friends, family, a co-worker, this site, etc. You will need the love and understanding of others to help you.

Do not do these things to "save" your relationship. Do them to save you.

Once you have educated yourself, you will find that you now have the "tools" to make a sound decision that you can live with.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lolli

November 12, 2005
7:01 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks Lolli for the words of encouragement. I have been in therapy and attend CODA meetings, and broke up with my bf today. I guess all this work has paid off because I truly feel good and empowered to Just Say NO to abuse. It has been a long road, 4 years almost to the day, and I know that my coda issues are things that need to be continually worked on and through. What I need to focus on now is stupid guilt. And after breaking up with him, I don't even feel that. I love myself and can finally let go of this sick, twisted, abusive relationship. I know the roots of it all, being in a family where mom and dad expect the children to take care of their needs and being punished and deprived if you don't. Emotional abuse, and there was no alcohol or chem abuse, just plain old emotional abuse. I have dealt with them on that, and that has probably helped too.

Anyways, thanks for your post.

November 12, 2005
7:31 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Mimi,

I seem to have misunderstood your post. The suggestions I gave were based on the fact that I thought you were "contemplating" leaving.

Now I get it.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

You are worthy of love and respect and deserve to be free from abuse.

Keep up the good work.

Lolli

November 12, 2005
7:46 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Mimi,

Your SO does not sound like healthy person thus this will brush off on you if you stay any longer.

Good for you for breaking up with him. You really deserve an applaud!

There are many tools to help you in this process in addition to what Lolli mentioned and you. I have detached from my male friend about 1 year ago and I was so upset and even became melancholic about it. So, I know it's not that easy. Developping my spiritual life helped me a lot to detach from my friend.

Here there is No Contact Club which I recommend to you. It will give you the support and encouragement of folks who are going thru same process as you.

~Blessings~Ras

November 12, 2005
8:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Lolli, I was contemplating leaving him when I orignally wrote, and after I wrote on this website, I decided to do so. Very healing for me. It was just a bubble that needed to be popped (venting to myself). After many years of healing, etc. as I wrote above. Before I would do just as you said, to "save" the relationship, now I'm saving me. Those words are words of wisdom that should be branded in every co-dependants brain.

"Do not do these things to "save" your relationship. Do them to save you."

November 12, 2005
8:55 pm
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Hey Ras, yes, I don't want any contact from my ex. Before, I always secretly wanted that, now I don't. I am so determined to have no contact that I will proceed with legal consequences if need be. I want him as far away as the east is from the west. I laughed hysterically after he left me this time. I guess I was suppose to take care of his needs even in my sleep. When such unrealistic expectations are put on you, you have to laugh. It truly was my wake up call.

November 12, 2005
8:59 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Mimi

You are in for the ride of your life. It won/t be easy. I was so strong the first two days and then came the bad days, the sad days, the good days. With support from all that are here I believe we can make it. It is the first step and just waiting for the acceptance to really sink in.

November 12, 2005
9:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks Eliz Anne, I've been through this so many times. The ride is over for me. When it hits you, it hits you. It took me 4 years, lots of therapy, etc. I guess when someone expects you to meet their needs in your sleep, you have to take a hold of your emotions and think about what just happened. When you do, you laugh. The ride for my life will be laughing about how stupid he is I can't be in a relationship with someone that I utterly disrespect.. period. Of course, I have to look at myself, and ask how did you ever allow things to get to that point? The answer is, I did, but, I'm not now.

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