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Understanding Unresolved Abandonment - Response to Matteo
May 27, 2006
9:36 pm
Desert Moon
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Matteo,

I copied your reply to a new thread to make things a little easier

You wrote:

"Thanks for the post. This article was quite an eye-opener for me too. I wish I know the answers, but I don’t. I think that this is something we learnt, so it should not be irreversible, we should be ale to learn differently, although with lots of effort..

I think it is to your advantage that you are in a relationship and you both see the patterns, and are able to discuss them. I would imagine the first step for both of you would be to build trust. For you that the partner will not leave if you will not be pushy, and for your partner to be more open and giving, trusting that you are not preying on his freedom and being, and then the relationship would be more balanced, until you would both trust to give and receive love without fear. I think not trusting your instincts would be a part of it: does he really feel really bored, or there is no drama, as an example, does she really want to control me and take over or should I be more affectionate, because this is all what she wants, is he really going to leave if I will not pursue him, or those are my insecurities; basically developing a way of questioning and controlling your reactions to your feelings or maybe rather fears.

I think that understanding the roots of those issues of abandonment would be helpful as well.

I would appreciate if you would let me know when/if you will find something on that subject. Good luck to both of you, all the best."

Thanks for the insight you wrote. No, there are no easy answers; there have been more than a few times both of us have tried to break things off or at least cool them down because it gets too intense. As a result I have been through steps 1-3 of SWIRL several times- but never complete the process because we always get back together. And it's hard to believe I live for that kind of drama and do that stuff to myself subconsciousely, but maybe thats what unhealthy people do.

We discuss issues of trust continuously; I do tell him I am afraid he will walk away and that I won't have the capacity to love anyone else. Its nuts. I think right now backing off and just maintaining a peripheal friendship would be best, but it's always with the expectation that well be able to get more serious 'after we're healthy" But healthy never happens.

Yet we get along in every other way. He is not an abuser or addict, nor am I, and is a great father to his kids and is considerate of my needs. My kids think he's great. And yes, the sex is mind-blowing. Yet I hate the way I am so needy of him at times, but he assures me he feels the same and that he's not going anywhere. (he tried going back to his wife, which didn't work out but he has decided he's had enough trying to work things out with her)

I could write an entire book on all the drama, but I need to get to the point. I do agree with you that at least being aware is a start, and maybe seeing why we interact in this destructive way can be a start to something healthier, and that if we do part ways, hopefull we will know it is for the best, even if I have to go through SWIRL all the way. But I think the saddest thing the articles states is that this isn't about love - its just finding a way to feel good about yourself. Which means the whole thing may not be real to begin with no matter how much I believe to the contrary, and that is a truly bitter pill to swallow. I hope that is not the case here - time will tell. I will try to find more on the subject

Thanks for reading

Desert Moon

May 27, 2006
10:36 pm
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Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
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What the article says that the relationship might be not important, the person have not much to offer, but swirling takes place anyway might be true, but I think the more important the relationship was, the more difficult it is, and the longer it takes. It suppose to happen in the case of unresolved abandonment, when someone drops you out of blue, so I am not sure why would you have to go through it, if you took time out. However, I know that it would make me very nervous, so I am not sure if eparation would be the best, because these issues of abandonment would possibly resurface all over again, while you want to heal them.

I think you both have a lot on your plates, beside those issues, because it seems like he is still mourning the past relationship and didn’t heal from it. I think the best scenario would be for both of you working on your issues separately and after a while together as a couple. If he is willing to work on it and you are communicating, you have a great chance to last as a couple. It will be hard work, but I think it is worth trying. That’s my view, but really you both must decide if being apart would be more beneficial or not.

May 27, 2006
11:30 pm
Desert Moon
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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You are right, we both certainly have baggage from our previous marriages (mine 22 years, his 18) and you hit the nail on the head when you said he is still mourning his past relationship. He was always pursuing her in the marraige, and I think leaving her the first time was a way to get her to chase him in return, but it just never happened, so I think closure on that end has been a long time coming. Also, because he knows I am always available it is easy for him to take me for granted, so he doesn't express a need to be with me as often as I would like to be with him. I wish so much it could be more balanced. I hate feeling so needy but seem powerless to stop it.

We M went back to his wife 1 1/2 years ago, I was devistated. He had no contact with me. I was certainly shattered, abandonded and went through severe withdrawl. When he realized it was not working out this time around, he pursued me, and I was immensely relieved to have him in my life again, but he continues to struggle through his painful separation, how it affects his kids, etc. I think that is why I have some trust issues because even though he says differently, I fear him going back to her.

M has discussed this with me and often we have agreed that we need to just work on things on both ends for a while, and when we do try this I start going through withdrawl. He says its hard for him too, so we end up getting back together after maybe a couple of weeks. I think I get scared that if we do finally get 'healthy' M will discover he won't want to be with me after all. He has expressed similar fears with me. I think I fear going through the intense pain of losing someone more than anything.

We want to be together as a couple, with a 'normal' no-drama relationship but the patterns established hasn't allowed it so far. I think alot of my thinking about the realtionship revolves more around my own needs and insecurities or I wouldn't be 'needing' him so much. And I think on his end he sees it as having to 'fix' my insecurities by frequently reassurring me, which leads to resentment on his part.

I guess people don't realize how much damage has been done to them until they find themselves involved with other people. It sure makes me not want to risk myself with anyone else if this relationship fails to survive.
I mean I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work but never again. It's too much of a personal investment.

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