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Understanding feelings
August 25, 2011
2:07 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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like - my thoughts feel fragmented. like a sentence in a book. you start reading it but its not complete. you know the rest is some where in the book, but you dont know where. and you try and try to make sense of the part you got and the rest is on the tip of your tongue - but never quite gets there.

i feel physically disconnected today. I am distracted by thoughts and feelings all spinning together and getting tangled.

i dont feel bad - just odd.

sort of like in a dream. like what i see doesnt really exist - its just a dream. cars go by and i can see them but they cant see me. people all around me, moving about - but they cant see me. im invisible. i'm alone. and then things get distorted. like maybe what i see does exist but i dont.

i know im being awfully confusing. odd feelings are hard to describe.

i keep forgetting to breathe. I think i get to thinking so hard and all of a sudden i realize im holding my breath.

i am conflicted. i am sad. i am disheartened.

today i feel everything all at once - like a shiver through my body.

i need to journal. i need to write. i need to start getting thoughts down and putting the fragments together. i am a writer. sometimes i just write a word. just one. i write like i think. but when i try to talk like i write i cant. i cant talk. i faulter so easily. why can i not talk if i can write? is it because he said to shut up? dont talk, dont cry, dont look, dont feel. and then everything was spinning. I did art therapy and made swirls.

i better stop....my mind is starting to race. i dared to be me. it is a risk. to be candid with ones differences. people can be so mean. you have to be careful and not let it show. hide who you are. but i think it is safe here. i can be me with all my thoughts and feelings and distortions and odd feelings.

August 25, 2011
7:26 pm
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Yes you are a very good writer.  Yes, being yourself does make you vulnerable but it will also lead you to people who accept you as you are. Does your thought process have anything to do with the increase in medications or something else?

August 26, 2011
4:24 am
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TroubledXYZ
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my guess is "somethng else" but I dont know what. it can be a fine line to distinguish. have had this discussion with my psychiatrist and its just hard to tell sometimes. His solution? More meds. Yuk. I really hate being on meds. I now realize its neccessary. 🙁 one day i decided I didnt want to be medicated anymore and just quit. not fun. and still, it took my therapist 3 attempts to get me to go back on them. i was just so scared. now i thank her.

we are facing hurrican Irene where I live. its heading right for us. I'm scared. I dont think ive faced something that big before.

it funny because i feel like a hurricane is already here, inside of me.

i guess in a way this is not all that unusal. i sometimes slip in and out of connectedness and disconnect. sort of like when one is going through the motions. my x-therapist - who i still love even tho she dropped the ball, taught me to touch things and name them to help ground myself and get re-connected physically.

this week i sent her 2 of my art therapy projects in the mail. I wonder what she will think. One was done when I was well, and one was done when I was sick. SUCH contrast its striking. I never give my artwork away. but I wanted her to have them.

sorry if i'm writing too much.....i'm feeling pretty safe here these days to be myself and just lets the words flow off my fingers. how refreshing to be free. free to be me.

August 26, 2011
3:06 pm
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OMG TNM R U in the path of the hurricaine? How are things now. Please tell me how you are doing and how this storm is affecting you.

August 27, 2011
9:35 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Q,U.....yes, I live in Central Mass. Its headed right for us. I was pretty frightened at first but it is now a Category 1. So I'm feeling a little less anxious. I got my supplies last night so I'm prepared and just waiting for it to hit. Its supposed to start today with the worst of it to hit tomorrow afternoon.

i will keep you updated when/if I can.......

hope you have a great day, TnmSmile  <---- heyyyy thay looks like a trademark lol

August 27, 2011
9:43 am
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Jacob Scott
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I'm in the path of the hurricane the wind is strong n the rain is pouring. My nerves are frayed. I don't have much supplies as I don't get paid til Friday.  I felt good when I read it is Category 1 then not so good about the part about the worst hitting tomorrow. Been checking on my family.

Trolls Suck

August 27, 2011
12:38 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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the heavy rains have moved in - my anxiety is building again Frown

August 27, 2011
2:04 pm
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Hi TNM good thinking getting your supplies together. I have been following the news. If you are able to post keep me updated. How far are you inland?

August 27, 2011
2:05 pm
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Glad you can find a safe harbor here bachelor. 

August 28, 2011
1:39 am
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TroubledXYZ
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quick update while I still have power .......its 530am Sunday morning......things are moving in  now. The air is soupy and very humid. The rain is torrential (sp?) the wind has picked up. One thing I'm glad about is that this is going on during the day because its loud and I want to look out the window and see whats going on, ya know? cant do that in the dark of the night. Its scary when you can hear noises in the night and its dark ........I suspect we will lose power at its height as I hear atleast 2 million people are already out. 10 people have died. 🙁  

well, I'm not feeling well. most likely from lack of sleep so I'm going back to bed. I hope I get some sleep but most likely I'll just lay there and watch the news.

will post more as I can.....TnmSmile 

August 28, 2011
6:08 am
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curious64
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TNM - Try to get some rest today.  Thank you for keeping everyone updated on your safety.   Looks like the storm may be over soon.   I'm sure you will be quite relieved when it gets past.

So sad that people have lost their lives in these storms.   My prayers go out to the families involved.  Looks like there is a lot of flooding in the New York coastal towns.  They are showing Elmsford, NY and neighborhoods are flooded.   THey were rescuing a family with a boat out of their home.

Got to get busy, here at home. Will check in with again later today.  Stay Safe my friend.

 

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

August 28, 2011
1:52 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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I did get rest today. Slept a lot. why do I still feel tired? ugh. like i just cant get enough sleep!

Irene has stopped crying, winds have slowed. I never lost power 🙂 in my area I only saw 1 gust of wind that was very scary. Lots of damage other places but I have been lucky. I guess its just about over now. (sigh of relief)

Ive been following the little league world series since Aug 9. Today was the final game. USA (California) won 2-1 against Japan.

Tomorrow I have the day off and I'm so excited. I never take vacations and when I take a day here and there I do nothing - But tomorrow I got a mini golf and lunch date with my mom. Spending quality time with my mom means the world to me. so I'm really forward to it.

Tuesday I have to go see my psychiatrist. I dont want to!!!! I think I just have to get through one more appointment with him and then I will be making the change. looks like I prolly will go with the nurse practioner where I get therapy but I need to talk to my therapist about it first and thats not for a few weeks. Think it depends how I feel after my appointment this week. I all need to discuss things with the NP - it would be really great if i could go every 3 months instead of every month!

good nite all who read my thread - have a good one

love TnmSmile

August 28, 2011
9:01 pm
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A quick note TNM nice to hear that you are safe. Have a wonderful day with your mom.

August 29, 2011
3:19 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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The day with my mom was indeed wonderful.

tomorow its back to work. Then to my psychiatrist tomorrow night!

Gosh - Im stuck for words! I'm so sorry. I'm exhausted and my head is hurting so I cant think well right now. will post again when I'm a little more rested.

Have a good nite, Tnm

August 29, 2011
4:08 pm
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I enjoy time with my mom too! Get your rest. Why the headache?

August 29, 2011
5:00 pm
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curious64
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TNM - Hope  that your headache is better tomorrow.  It might be from the pressure changes from the storms.   Hope that you are feeling better when you wake up.  

 

Happy that you had a good time with your mom.   It is awesome to have someone to share time with like that.  My mom would go eat with me, but she certainly would not play mini golf.  My mom never was one for playing games or anything with us kids.

Good luck with the psychiatrist appt tomorrow night.   Just be confident.  You can do this.  I have faith in you.

 

((((HUGS))))

Laugh

September 5, 2011
3:10 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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well.....i was considering leaving the site because of the privacy invasion which happened to Ma. (Ma - sorry that happened to you) but after not posting only a few days, I really miss it here - even if there only a few folks who talk to me. So, I guess I'm gonna stay. lol

I do hope some of you will stop by to say hi to me.

I had a good weekend/holiday. Back to work tomorrow.

Only one more week until my music starts up again then I will be busy busy busy.

Hope y'all had a nice holiday

TnmSmile

September 7, 2011
4:27 am
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TroubledXYZ
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oh why am I always so tired? is it still the meds? I thought I was adjusted to the Prozac increase but he increased my Risperidone last week. i think i have to adjust all over again. 🙁 i thought by adding some exercise i would increase my energy but so far im not feeling it. I'm in a constant state of tired. I actually slept pretty well last night. even went to sleep early. but woke up exhausted. I want some energy!!! I have things to do. I dont have time to sleep.

ugh - frustrated!

September 7, 2011
6:57 am
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curious64
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TNM:  Exercise can take a month or more to make you feel more energetic.   Your body is not used to that type of activity and it can take a while for it to catch up with you.  You also might want to check with your regular physician and see if anything else is going on.  Lots of things can bring on fatigue. 

Got to get back to work, but wanted to stop in and say hello.

 

HUGS!!!

September 8, 2011
4:28 am
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marknoffkecarer
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I would love to be in the present and not be controlled by the past. Looking at myself is hard, but that is what is needed. When i get ticked off by someone i go stright into the emotion and feel all these not nice feeling and emotions that i can't seem to identify or control

September 8, 2011
4:33 am
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marknoffkecarer
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Avoidence is very easy for me as emotional pain to just to hard to deal with right now. It is almost impossible to be alone for to long, you know, to feel comfortable in my own skin. I ask myself questions like, why am i the way i am and how do i fix myself

September 8, 2011
4:49 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I feel like a Rottweiler in a junkyard. just sayin'

September 8, 2011
6:05 am
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TNM - You crack me up sometimes.  Laugh

September 9, 2011
10:23 am
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TroubledXYZ
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today life feels tough.

i feel out of sorts.

disconnected.

sad.

different.

strange.

September 12, 2011
10:10 am
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TroubledXYZ
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So I had a brief visit to la la land. But quickly recovered and am doing well once again.

It was quite an emotional weekend for me with the 9/11 anniversary and some personal things I needed to sort out. One being this attachment Ive had to my x-therapist. I have known for awhile I need to let her go. Or atleast, loosen my grip a bit.

We worked together for a year. I was very sick when I was first referred to her. She brought me back from the brink of insanity. We went through a lot together. It is something that can only be experienced - not explained. An experience I didnt want to let go of. I needed her virtual hand. For awhile. And while I'm not ready to say goodbye to her forever, I am ready to let go and begin walking my own path without her so close to my side. To use the lessons she has taught me along the way - to help myself, and others. I now have the ability to understand some one elses plight or fight and to listen with grace, empathy and compassion. A gift she gave to me.

Recently, I sent her my very last 2 mandalas. She started art therapy with me when I could not find the language to speak. One was an intricate colorful design full of hope, the other, grey/brown - drab - full of pain. The contrast was striking and although I have kept all my expressive art projects in a book - I wanted her to have these originals.

Yesterday morning I sent her an email expressing my gratitude and feelings ive held on to for so long. And said it was time to let go. That i was ready to unfurl my wings and fly. I can feel it coming. Just a little more confidence, a little more strength - and I'll be off.

I rcvd a very sweet email back saying the letter had so touched her heart. She said she had the beautiful mandalas and was ready to frame them as a frequent reminder of our journey together. and although we are on our own paths now - she will always keep me in her heart. she said SHE had grown because of me! lol

I finally feel like I got some closure. I'm ready for the next phase of my life - to start making steps all on my own.

today I am

at

PEACE

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