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Understanding feelings
May 21, 2011
1:20 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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having another lazy weekend. oh well.

increased my prozac dose this morning. feeling a bit drowsy today. glad I dont have to work.

I think the meds are kicking in. kinda hard to describe how I feel. in a slight daze.......

Now I remember last time I went from overwhelming feelings to feeling blank.

is this better than overwhelming feelings?

everythings a compromise isnt it?

I have to choose the lesser of 2 evils it seems.

to feel or not to feel .......hmmmm

I need some middle ground where I still have emotions just not so intensely.

For now, this is ok. Ive been going too long day after day with tidal waves of emotional pain. I'm ok with taking a rest for a bit. Maybe after a time the med can be adjusted and I will find my middle ground.

May 21, 2011
4:58 pm
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soofootoo
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Gee sorry to hear that your having a bad day.

May 21, 2011
5:17 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi soofootoo - Thanks for your post. I appreciate you stopping by Smile

I didnt mean to come across that I'm having a bad day. I'm actually having a good day because the meds are starting to work now and I'm not being flooded by all these bad feelings.

But at the same time, I was remembering the last time I was on meds, I became blank. And it feels kinda like a compromise in order to get relief from the emotional pain Ive been feeling. But for now, it feels good. I'm ok with it. In fact, today I feel better than I have for a long long time. Almost at peace even.

I'm hoping that after I'm on the new med for awhile there can be some adjustment so that I dont have to compromise feeling overwhelmed for feeling nothing. That I will find some kind of middle ground.

May 21, 2011
6:03 pm
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soofootoo
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Nice to know you are doing better. You said the meds are starting to work. That sounds very promising. How long does it take for the meds to take their full effect?

May 23, 2011
6:42 am
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TroubledXYZ
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To get the full benefit "they" say it takes 4-6 weeks.  This is only my 17th day on the medication. I wonder what its going to feel like in a couple more weeks or so......

I'm feeling kinda different today....a bit disconnected I guess. a bit sleepy. distracted.

it was another lazy weekend of not doing much of anything but watching tv and sleeping. If I dont have work to get up for I just have no desire to get up. Once I'm in that "mode" its hard to come out of it.

Saturday night/Sunday morning 2am I woke up and smelled something burning. I went throught my house trying to figure out where the smell was coming from. On my way upstairs as I walked by an open window the smell got stronger and I realized it was coming from outside but I didnt see anything burning. I continued up the stairs to my computer. As I was sitting there I heard a humming sound, like a motor running. That was odd because There is no road or parking lot behind the house. just a field and woods. So I got up and looked out the window. What a surprise to see fire trucks and police cars all over the place. How I missed hearing sirens is beyond me.

Not far behind my house, a short walk through a field and wooded area a neighbors barn was burning. When I went to see the damage yesterday there was charred pieces of wood on my deck and all throughout the field. the barn had been destroyed. Just a blackend frame and a small piece of wall was all that remained. I hope there were no animals inside!

I have a rehearsal tonight and I dont want to go. 🙁

need to get busy with my work now......

May 24, 2011
5:03 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Day 18 on Prozac. 1 1/2 tabs 30 mg. All I can say today is tiiiiiired.

I skipped rehearsal last night. had dinner and went straight to bed. watched the 11 o'clock news and then back to sleep. woke up still tired this morning.

the good news is that I still am not being overwhelmed by negative emotions. so i'm happy about that. Hopefully with time my body will adjust to the new dose (started Saturday) and I wont feel so tired.

I realize no one is probably going to post to me very much here - if at all - I guess I'll just keep a sort of online journal for myself.

May 24, 2011
9:07 pm
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soofootoo
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I think your report about the effects of prozac is really interesting. I hope it works out well for you.

May 25, 2011
3:13 pm
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Thank God not nearly as interesting as the effects that some have reported. I have read horror stories about Prozac. So far my side effects have been mild compared to some.

I was away from my computer most of the day and just now caught up with all the postings from today.

Today was "different" ...I felt - kinda sad. but not overwhelmingly sad. just very quiet and subdued. Spent half the day staring off into space getting lost in my thoughts. Today I was thinking about people I have lost and that made me sad. I'm feeling teary as I write which I'm actually glad for because that means I can still feel and I was afraid I might lose that. Havent lost it yet anyway. Now I'm crying and I dont even know why.

May 26, 2011
4:30 am
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Day 5 on the target dose of 30 mg. I dont like this! I dont want to take it today. 🙁

I feel too doped up and drowsy. Its effecting my work life because all I want to do is sleep while I'm here. I cant focus because I'm too tired. Then when work is over all I do is sleep and nothing else. This is not good.

I'm trying to be patient and let my body adjust to the increased dose but if it doesnt happen by the time I go back to the psychiatrist I am going to ask to have the dose lowered.

I dont like the way I'm feeling (physically) at all. Emotionally, I'm a bit down but ok. See my therapist next week. I better get the motivation to do some more work in the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) workbook. She was so pleased last time and I havent done anything since. Just been too tired.

Still wishing someone would talk to me about spirituality......

May 27, 2011
5:33 pm
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Hi Troubled.   Just keeping hangingin there.  Your body will adjust to the meds.  

I don't really feel like I am a good person to share with you about spirituality as there are some who would disagree and I don't feel like arguing about the fact I am a Bible believing Christian.   Maybe i will  have time to share my thoughts on that with you in a PM.

Really very leary of posting right now, especially off of my own thread.  Have had a couple of great days.  Still have 3 more days off so I am hoping they go well. 

Have a wonderful Memorial Weekend!

May 28, 2011
10:17 am
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StronginHim77
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Would have to agree with Curious.  Addressing "spirituality" on these threads can cause nuclear meltdown.  I, too, am a Bible-believing Christian, so really can't be of much help to you.  Be patient with the meds.  Your brain chemistry WILL adjust.  Takes time.  But you'll get there.

-  Ma Strong

May 28, 2011
3:53 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Curious, Hi Ma

I do understand why you dont want to talk about spirituality here. My therapist said she would talk to me about it at my next session so I look forward to that. 

Thanks for your support and encouragement with my meds. I'm trying to be patient with the side-effects. I'm just glad that I feel like I'm stabilizing emotionally. That makes it worth it.

Ive had a good day today. I had to go get my clarinet repaired so I couldnt stay in bed today like ive been doing the past 2 weekends. I met another member of the ensemble and we went together to visit the repair tech. We went out to lunch afterward too. It felt good to be doing something so normal. I wanted to practice my clarinet when I got home and have discovered the tremor in my hand is back. Its only really noticable when I try to play! Hoping this will go away before my big performance on June 13th.

 

Not much else to say today. ......I'm doing well. Hope you guys are too! Thanks so much for posting to me.

May 28, 2011
6:26 pm
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I am so glad to hear that you are doing well.   You are doing so well and should be so proud of your efforts.   If you think the tremor is from the medication make sure to mention it to the therapist and the doctor.   They can make adjustments to that.   It  could be something that will pass after your system gets adjusted to the meds.

It has been a busy weekend, but a fun one.   Nobody is home tonight but me and I am feeling a little lonely and down, but I know it will pass.

Going to cook lunch on my new grill tomorrow.  It is so nice and I am so happy to have it.  Such a genorous gift and I am blessed to have family that care so much about me.

Didn't mean to ramble on about myself on your thread.  

You keep up the good work.  Have a blessed Sunday!

June 3, 2011
4:39 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Curious I dont mind you talking about yourself on my thread at all. I like to hear what is going on in your life as well!

So I've been on Prozac for 28 days now. I think my body is finally starting to adjust to the physical side-effects. I was so scared to take this stuff but I think it was the right decision. I am no longer thinking about suicide or being completely swallowed up by sorrow. I wish I felt a little better physically but I'm coming around. Each day there seems to be a litte improvement. I go back to the psychiatrist next week and I'm not going to have him change a thing. 

I had therapy this week. It was "ok". We talked a little about spirituality but I didnt feel like we were on the same page with our beliefs so I stayed quiet and mainly listened.

We also talked about one of my biggest challenges in life. That is my driving anxiety. I feel like NO ONE understands the severity of it. I didnt even think my therapist understood and I told her that. She said she did understand, she just didnt want me to succumb to it. I felt better when I knew she knew how scared I get. We are working on "systemic desensitization". 

When I have to drive some place I have never been before - I completely freak out. Just the thought of it brings on panick and tears. I cried in her office as we talked about it because I could feel my body being overwhelmed by the fear.

I have 2 challenges in the next 3 weeks. One is this Sunday and I dont know if I can do it. Its to drive to a nearby place where they will be having something called a Whisker Walk. Its an activity for dogs and dog owners with venders and fun things to do. I'm somewhat familiar with the area but dont know 'exactly' where the place is. My co-worker asked me to go. So this would be a social activity for me as well.

The other challenge is to find one of the clarinet players house because we have a rehearsal in the City which I am no way ready to drive to. But she will bring me if I can get to her house which is a couple towns away.

I am filled with fear. My therapist asked if it was too much but I said no. Now I'm not so sure. Sunday is almost here and I'm getting pretty nervous.

Its like someone who is terrfied of spiders being asked to go into a room filled with them.SurprisedSurprisedSurprised 

June 4, 2011
12:27 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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Woke up feeling fantastic this morning. No laying in bed all day for me today!

Got up about 730am, took a shower, went and got gas in the car and some coffee. Came home and positioned my lounge chair on a hill out back. Drank my coffee, had my dog hangin with me on the end of the chair. Stayed in the warmth of the sun and watched the sky and clouds and tried to take in the peace of this beautiful day. Left for my clarinet lesson at 930. Had a good lesson. Went to my nephews baseball game then to Dairy Queen for ice cream. All the while my insides were not in their usual churning with anxiety mode. That feeling has come back this evening but oh to have some kind of peace this morning was wonderful. I long for more days like this! NOW I'm exhausted.

June 8, 2011
4:15 pm
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Great!

June 8, 2011
5:44 pm
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curious64
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Troubled  -I am so happy for you.   You deserve to feel good.   Thanks for sharing that information.  :0)

June 14, 2011
8:43 am
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free
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Hey troubled, how ya doin? 

June 16, 2011
4:35 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Free.....

I have been doing fantastick. I was pretty skeptical and also scared about going back on medication, but it seems to have really helped me. I lost track of how long Ive been on it, but I am completely adjusted to it now and have no side-effects. The only thing I really notice is that I am emotionally stable maybe for the first time in my life!

Ive been real busy with my musical endeavors and enjoying every minute of it. Right now I'm just enjoying life. Ive learned from the workbook that Ive been using that its pointless to worry about the future. I do have my concerns, but I'm not gonna worry about it NOW.

I do not have to go back to therapy until September 6th. Until then she wants me to keep working in the Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook and keep a journal. I dont go back to the Psychiatrist until July 19th.

Next week I join The Atlantic Wind Symphony where I will be playing in their summer pops program. Its gonna be a great summer!

June 16, 2011
5:43 am
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We need to change your name from Troubled.   You are no longer that person.   I cannot tell you how overjoyed I am to hear how well you are doing.  That is just terriffic.   I told you that you could do it and by golly to have done it!!   So thankful to hear some uplifting news.  I really needed that today.   Keep up the good work and stop by from time to time to share with us how well things are going.    Gosh, this is just great!!

 

(((((HUGS)))))Laugh

June 17, 2011
4:40 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Thank you for being so happy for me. That really means a lot! And Thank you for your continued friendship and support here when I was feeling so bad!!! I am thinking of you and hoping you will soon be feeling better too!

June 21, 2011
6:10 am
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TroubledXYZ
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feeling different

cant concentrate

obessessing

struggling to stay well

June 21, 2011
7:38 am
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TroubledXYZ,

 

What happened?. Just hold on and try to always think positive. Thinking of you.

 

(((Warm Hugs)))

 


June 21, 2011
7:48 am
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Must be something in the air, I can't get out of this funk either.  Just hang on, today will be a new day and you will probably feel better again.  Use some of your techniques you have learned in class.  Play some music, just get your mind off of it.  ((((HUGS))))

July 1, 2011
8:59 am
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So I have been obsessing about my x-therapist and stuff that happened to me as a child. All hell broke lose when I revealed this to her.

I keep thinking about her and how much I appreciate her knowledge and compassion as a therapist. I wanted her to know how I feel so I wrote this letter.....

Please tell me what you think?

 

I've been wanting to write to you for a very long time now, but have had a hard time putting all my thoughts together. Recently, my urge to write to you has been so strong that I can't put it in the back of my mind any longer - whether I've got my thoughts put together or not. I am going to take my time and put a lot of thought into this.
 
I'm not sure you realize what an impact you had on my life. I get very emotional and teary-eyed just thinking about it now.
 
Where do I begin?
 
When I came to you, my goal was to let go of xxxx and xxxxxx. The disconnect wasn't easy. I remember at one point, I wanted to kill myself so that I could become xxxxxx because xxxxxx was more me than me. Some days it was xxxxx sitting before you and you knew that. that is what is so striking to me now. How you knew and understood what was going on for me psychologically. And how you handled it with strength coupled with compassion. You brought me back to my own identity and reality. 
 
There is so many more thoughts I have about this all jumbled up in my head but the point is my appreciation for your knowledge and compassionate way you go about your work. It always felt like you genuinely cared. It wasnt out of site out of mind. I knew I could always turn to you. I have said it before and I'll say it again - you go above and beyond any therapist I have known before or since and it is very much appreciated.
 
I remember how excited I was when I finally got to the point of looking forward to the retreat. And how good it was for me socially and psychologically. I dont believe I will come to that point again where I feel confident enough to be a part of something like that. And how wonderful our "trip" out to Peggy's for dinner and bead making was.
 
I remember when we started art therapy and how that brought a new emotional expression for me. How you always made me feel like my art work and writings were worthy. Something my current counselor doesnt "get" in which I totally stopped being creative in those ways.
 
And all the while this shit was going on with Casey being aggressive and volitile and my physical and emotional safety became an issue because he was so unpredictable we didnt know what he was capable of. It was a pretty scary time.
 
And then the day my father told me to leave work ......the look in his eyes was so scary. But I didnt think he meant it and I didnt leave. And then he came back and told me to "get out", "go home", "I dont want you here" and I was scared to go and scared not to. I called you and you told me to go home. It was then you said the problem isnt just Casey, the problem is your father.
 
The next time I saw you, you said you thought the incident brought back past trauma with my father........ and it suddenly hit me that you knew. You knew the secret and I couldnt hide it any longer. I never meant to tell - especially not that day. It just came out. And from that moment on my world began to unravel. I shattered as I expressed in my "Mosaic" poem.
 
As the story came out that day I could see images of it happening. It was like I was in two different worlds at the exact same time. He kept saying "shut up" "shut your mouth" so I stopped talking and used the notebook to communicate to you. That day I was so distressed you let me sit on your porch as I tried to calm down. You had another client but you came out and knelt down at my level - I dont remember exactly what you said but it was comforting. I didnt want to leave. I was very scared and felt safe with you. Eventually I left.
 
Things got very strange after that. I could see and smell and taste the past. I was in another world that kept getting stranger and stranger. I was becoming paranoid and freaked out by everything. I had stopped talking and then I was so disconnected I couldnt write either. But the only place I felt safe was with you so I just kept goin back. You taught me how to ground myself by touching objects and saying their names.
 
Then I went to Dr.Epstein for medication. Remember how freaked out I got on that first visit. I was trapped in that room with him. I almost fled and after it was over I did just that - straight to your house.
 
I never thought things could get any worse, but the meds he had me on seemed only enhance all the awful things I was going through. So I stopped taking th meds. Then I was paralyzed. I couldnt think, I couldnt talk, I couldnt process...........and thats where our sessions ended. I was supposed to come back in a couple weeks when the meds kicked in and I was more stable.
 
I kept waiting for that to happen but I just kept getting more and more out of touch. Then you had the idea to draw - if I couldnt verbally express myself, if I couldnt find the language - draw. I tried, and I couldnt. I couldnt even draw! It was then that I gave up.
 
I became severly depressed and suicidal. What the hell was happening to me? How did things get to this? I told my older sister I wanted to kill myself.  "they" say, if you feel like that - tell someone and so I did. But the someone just got mad at me and said she never wanted me to talk like that again. So I thought, fine - instead of telling I'll just do it. Of course I couldnt do it because I didnt really want to die. I just wanted all the emotional pain to end.
 
My sister made me promise I would go and get help. My other sister knew a counselor in my town and so I went. I felt awful. I felt like I had betrayed you. I missed you so much and wanted to see you but at the same time, I still couldnt find my voice and knew if I went back to you I would continue to be silent. What would be the point? Besides, I was only going because my family wanted me to. I had lost xxxx, lost xxxxxx, lost Diane, and lost you. I quit all my music endeavors and lost contact with everyone.
 
I learned right away that my new counselor doesnt appreciate art and poetry expression. That was disappointing, however, she did encourage me to go back to clarinet lessons. I had a tremor in my hands because of the medication and the first time back I could barely hold the clarinet. It all felt so foreign as I realized I had forgotten how to read basic music. It was my clarinet teacher who encouraged me to get off the meds. And so I did. I quit cold turkey. Not the wisest thing to do. I was sick for weeks. The withdrawals seemed to go on forever. Finally, it was over.
 
I began to feel better both physically and emotionally and felt strongly that the medications had messed me up. But the depression and axiety crept back up on me and my counselor encouraged me to go back on meds. I was too scared and ignored her. Some time went by and she mentioned it again. I thought about it but didnt want to "go there" again. When I became suicidal again, she pushed the idea a bit harder and I reluctantly went back to Dr.Epstein (he still gives me the creeps).
 
Its now been a month and a half since I went back on medication. I'm taking Prozac (for depression) and Risperidone (is an a-typical anti-psychotic). I feel like my life is back. I feel the most normal I have felt in - in most of my life.
 
I progressed rapidly with my clarinet playing (and btw- i finally got my new professional wooden clarinet). I continue to take lessons, rejoined the West Wynd Clarinet Ensemble as well as the Atlantic wind Symphony. It was like "coming home."
 
I never really meshed with the new counselor. I never felt like she "got" me the way you did. You always seemed to understand whether I could verbally express it or not - you just knew. I never felt like she had the same knowledge nor compassion as you. There is only ONE Gail. 🙂 I was never able to open up to her the way I did with you. I just dont feel like I connect very well with her and since I am coping day to day again I am no longer in therapy. I have an appointment for September just to check in.
 
I think telling the secret was more than I could handle and I shut down. I wasnt ready to do the work to process everything that came over me when I revealed what happened. I still remember you saying "we dont keep bad secrets." How awful I felt for telling and how awful I felt for not telling. What happened to me as a child is still pretty confusing. Maybe one day I will be willing to do the work. The thought of that is too overwhelming right now. But if that day ever comes, I know Gail is the one who I can count on to work with me. with strength and grace, compassion and a passion for her work and clients. I have nothing but the greatest respect for you as a caring therapist and person. I have been wanting to tell you that for a very long time now.
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