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Understanding feelings
May 5, 2011
10:30 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Curious (and others who have forgiven me) I feel like I dont deserve it, but I graciously accept it. As much courage as it took for me to admit that I have this disorder, it has taken a lot for each of you to forgive me. I am so grateful to be able to stay here and continue to rcv support that I so desperately need.

Curious, everything I have posted on this thread is the truth. It was on Robbies thread where I said Robbie was ill that was not the truth. And the only untruth posted there. And because of that, I want to continue to post here and leave the Robbie thread behind.

so yes, I do have an appointment tomorrow with my old psychiatrist. The emotional pain I have been suffering is real. I wish it wasnt, but it is. I'm really scared because I have in my head that the medications is what helped make things inside of me go haywire. It was the worst time in my life and I'm scared it will happen again. But my present therapist, Barbara, has encouraged me to try meds again and so I will. 

Again, I appreciate the support and forgiveness I have rcvd here (and in PM). I hope you can hear in my posts how badly I want to be a better person and keep fighting to overcome my mental illnesses - or be as normal as I can possibly be. 

May 6, 2011
4:43 am
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I guess I will just talk to myself here. Just going to ramble and try to get my thoughts and feelings out.

 

Did I do the right thing yesterday? Was admitting the truth the best thing? I keep having doubts. I could had kept my mouth shut. Now no one trusts me at all.

I guess it was the right thing. The harder thing, but the right thing.

It sure didnt help the emotional pain Ive been going through lately but I guess thats the consequences I have to pay. Like anyone even cares. Its my punishment.

Its not like I'm sitting back laughing at all the people I fooled. Its not like that.

I feel misunderstood. People are just angry. I guess they cant imagine the pain someone must be in, in order to go through such lengths to get their needs met.

People think Ive been lying here for years when I havent.

People think I'm just a bad person. Yes, I did a bad thing. but I'm not bad.

People think I am using mental illness as an excuse. I do have a mental illness what am I supposed to say?

I hate myself. I want to right the wrongs I have done.

will I ever gain anyones trust again? Does anyone understand?

How can I even ask for support for the hurt I feel? I am not worthy of it.

Not worth anything - the way I have felt my whole life. No wonder I go to such extreme measures to feel like I matter.

cant wait to see my therapist next week so we can talk about all this.

May 6, 2011
5:17 am
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curious64
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Troubled - I know it is hard to hear what some people have to say regarding the truth coming out.  I still feel like it was the best thing for you to admit it and begin to move past it.  Most of us here have had trust issues due to various things we have suffered in our lives and so for some it will be difficult to trust again.  Don't let that get you down.  

The best thing you can do to right this wrong is to work on getting better.   Focus on what your therapist and doctor have to say and beat this monster down that is trying to control your emotions and your mind.  How others react is up to them and there really is nothing more you can do.  You have told your story and now it is time for you to move on with the business of healing.

There are those who feel I am being foolish to continue here, but as a Christian I pray and trust God for guidance.  Just as he revealed to me something was not quite right with the Billy99 situation, He also was telling me something was up here as well.  Now that the truth is out in both situations I feel at peace again and I know that I am doing what I should be doing.

I can't speak for anyone else Robbie, but I am here for you and will support you and encourage you just as I have before.  Please hang in there and forgive yourself.  

((((HUGS))))

May 6, 2011
5:24 am
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Yes, Robbie.  People can feel angry when they have been betrayed, duped or had their feelings manipulated dishonestly.  You need to understand and appreciate the impact of your lies on the honest and kind-hearted posters here on the threads.  They have every right to feel angry and betrayed, just as you have every right to feel rejected and ashamed.  In time these feelings will soften, then pass...for all of us.

Did you make the right decision to come clean yesterday?  Yes.   Because quite a few of us had some pretty intense doubts about you (and a few others on these threads) for quite a long time.  Something you would have been oblivious to.  I think most of the "troubled" or dishonest posters on these threads assume that their lies are being bought.  That is simply not the case.  A sense of disease begins to build as the dramas increase, as the horrendous details pile up.   You are only ONE of those being observed carefully, whose postings left a nagging sense that "all was not well."  Same scenario with "Billy99," and a few others. 

And I think it is always better to come clean on your OWN initiative, rather than wait to be exposed (as "Billy99" did).  You chose the higher road.  And it will benefit you in the long haul.  It will also help to restore your credibility here alot sooner.  I doubt that ANYONE will ever want any further contact with "Billy99" who has yet to make an open apology to those she betrayed here at AAC for many years.

There is always going to be alot of brou-haha stirred up when something of this enormity hits the threads.  But it will calm down.  Just ride it out.  It's normal and understandable for all parties involved.

-  Ma Strong

May 6, 2011
5:31 am
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The truth will  ALWAYS set you free.  It isn't always the easiest path, but it is the best path.

Bitsy

May 6, 2011
5:53 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I just feel like people think that what I did is the same as what Billy did. I dont understand how you could have had doubts about me for many years when I only engaged in the MBI behavior for what - a couple weeks? And then I stopped. In my mind that is a huge difference from what Billy did for years. I did not have ongoing dramas or traumas with horrendous details piling up. I'm not saying that makes what I did any less. I guess the important detail here is that I stopped the behavior. I stopped it almost immediately. I did not let it go on and on and on. I did not want to continue to hurt anyone where as Billy just kept at it. I sought help. It is under control and I do not wish to do this ever again. 

But you are right Ma - people will be angry by the betrayal. a betrayal is a betrayal whether it was for 1 day or many years. I get that now. I have to accept it.

Curious - thank you for your continued support and acceptance.

 

Peace~

May 6, 2011
6:34 am
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Robbie,

Your recollection of your past postings appears very different from ours.  There was alot of "drama...trauma...and horrendous detail piling up."  Your perception is not ours.  That is something you will need to accept.  In that sense I see you suffering from the same illness as "Billy99."  Both of you subjected fellow-posters to "drama, trauma and horrendous detail" over the years.  BOTH OF YOU. 

I could begin to list the many incidents, "memories shared," traumatic scenes recounted from your therapy sessions, etc.  But that would serve no point.  I can only tell you that your history on these threads is one of extremes, both in experiences recounted and "memories/fears" shared.

I'm being as honest with you as possible.  Sugar-coating it will not help you in any way.

-  Ma Strong

May 6, 2011
6:38 am
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Robbie -

You perceive your ONE AND ONLY "MBI" posting scenario as your claim to having a terminal brain tumor condition.  That might be one of your more explicit (and dramatic) examples.  But there were (literally) dozens and dozens of other classic MBI-generated postings which you made.

This is something you will have to work through with your therapist:  PERCEPTION.

-  Ma Strong

May 6, 2011
6:56 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Ma - those things you recollect as MBI postings were NOT. They were the truth. I know I cant make you believe that. There were traumatic things that happened in my life and in therapy. When I posted that Robbie was ill  - that was the only MBI behavior I had on this site.

I am going to leave now. I am not "running away" but its me against the world here. I have caused a lot of upset. Why would I want to stay. 

Theres just no reason for me to be here and keep trying to explain and apologize and defend and whatever.

I'm done.

I'm gone.

May peace come back to this site soon.

May 6, 2011
9:01 am
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Troubled - you have to do what you feel is best for you.  If you really feel like you have to leave, then please pm me from time-to-time and let me now how you are doing.  

I will miss talking with you, but I do understand that you need to do what is best for you.

 

((((HUGS))))

May 11, 2011
12:48 pm
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After some thought and discussion with my therapist last night, i have decided to keep my thread open as it is not bogus and I dont want to leave here.

I told my therapist last night everything that happened here.

To update where I left off......

I went to the psychiatrist last Friday. I am now on Prozac. Hoping once the target dose is reached it will help with the depression. I was really scared to try meds again but so far have felt no significant side-effects. Altho Ive been so sleepy all day today I'm not sure if I'm just plain tired or if its the drug. I am keeping a daily log to keep track of how the medicine is effecting me.

Saturday I had a clarinet performance with my clarinet ensemble for a church fundraiser. It went fantastic. Not just the performance but it was also a social venue for me which I dont get much of. I felt so at home with the other muscians - a mens Barber Shop Quartet. It was a wonderful experience for me.

This coming Friday our group will perform again for an arts society 20th anniversary and art show. I am looking forward to this as well.

This music group has really helped me cope lately. I had quit when things got so bad. I pretty much checked out of everything. My therapist and family encouraged me to rejoin the group and I'm so happy I did. There are some weeks where I dread making the drive after a full day of work, but once there, we are like a little family and playing music sure beats sleeping or watching tv!

Signing off for now

May 11, 2011
5:46 pm
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Hello troubled, I will be looking forward to your posts. I am happy to hear that you have such a wonderful talent.

May 12, 2011
4:32 am
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(((((TROUBLED))))  I am so happy to see you posting again!!!  How exciting that the music is going to well.   I wish I would have kept up with my music.  My parents made me join the band in Junior High and when high school came I was afraid of band camp so I quit.   Then I took organ lessons and played a little piano, but my electric organ needed a 600 dollar repair and my parents couldn't afford it so I stopped that in high school.   I think it would be such a great stress release to be able to play music.   Good for you for picking that back up and doing something you enjoy so much.

I have never tried Prozac, but I can tell you the medicine I took for my knee arthritis did cause some drowsiness when I first started taking it.  After a couple of weeks I guess my body adjusted and it does not make me tired anymore.  Sometimes I wish it would when I can't sleep, lol. 

Sounds like things are going well with your therapist.  I am happy to hear that.   You are doing so well and should be so proud of yourself!!  Look forward to hearing more about your progress.

((((HUGS))))

May 12, 2011
2:31 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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okay im in a slight panic. I was eating dinner when a piece of my tooth came out. It wouldnt be that big of deal if #1. I didnt have a concert tomorrow night and #2. I wasnt a clarinetist. I was going to go to my dentist tomorrow but found out he is not open on Fridays. I guess I will have to go somewhere else. But I dont know if I'll be able to play for the performance and the other clarinetists are counting on me!

May 12, 2011
2:58 pm
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I think that some drug stores carry these kits that can fill in where a tooth has broken off. Are there any dentists that provide 24 hour emergency services?

May 12, 2011
3:08 pm
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Hi Q U.......thanks for your reply

I tend to react with panic really bad whenever something goes wrong. This is one of the things I am working to get control over. So I'm trying to calm myself down and have faith that it will all work out.

I emailed my music teacher hoping she would say forget the concert and get your tooth fixed but she did not. She asked if it didnt hurt too bad to play - try playing. So I did. It doesnt hurt much. I'm just afraid the jaw pressure might make more of it break. So I guess the new plan is to forget the dentist until Monday and try to play in the concert tomorrow night and hopefully it wont get worse before or during.

Of all times for this to happen!!Yell

May 12, 2011
4:37 pm
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What happens when you play your instrument with your tooth broken?

May 12, 2011
6:43 pm
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Which tooth is it?   I had one break in the back.   They were able to build it back up.  

Hope that your concernt goes well.  Will pray for no pain for you.  

Good job at calming yourself down.   I know that can be hard.  I tend to panic first before I come up with a solution to things.   You are doing so good and I am just thrilled for you.

((((HUGS)))

May 14, 2011
12:51 am
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Hoping the concert went well...

May 17, 2011
4:58 am
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Good Morning,

Sorry I havent posted in a few days.

The concert Friday night went ok. As far as the tooth is concerned I guess I was worried for nothing. No big deal. The performance was ok. The venue was MUCH different than the last one. Did not enjoy this performance too much. oh well.

Then the weekend came and I did absolutely nothing. I had no ambition. no energy. no motivation for life. I stayed in bed all Saturday and Sunday watching tv hour after hour. I try to justify it by saying I exhaust myself all week and I need the rest. Sometimes its hard to tell the difference between exhaustion and depression. Saturday was also the day to increase my prozac from 10 mg to 20 mg and I think that is causing some drowsiness too.

Monday morning anger came. why? who knows. I woke up shaking as usual. How I wish that would go away. I did not want to come to work. I wanted to stay in bed all day again. I felt awful. By the time I got to work suicidal thoughts were entering my head. I was lashing out at everyone. When I'm angry I become very indifferent and sarcastic. I was mean to my dog. Yelling at him for just looking at me. Mean to my guinea pig who needed a water refill and I couldnt unhook the bottle from the cage easily. Mean to the guy on the phone I had called to turn off gas meters. Mean to people coming into the office looking for the boss. I just wanted to be left alone!!! I finally calmed down some in the afternoon.

Last night I had clarinet ensemble rehearsal. I didnt enjoy it the way I have been. I have another performance on June 13th that I'm very worried about for the fact that I now I have to get my tooth fixed and I dont know how that is going to affect my practice or the performance. This peformance I will be playing a solo with piano accompaniment a very difficult piece. Altho my teacher says I "have it" I dont feel confident and dont feel like its under my belt. And I dont know when I'm going to be able to practice with the pianist before the performance. I wanted to postpone it till summer but thats not gonna happen.

This morning I woke up shaking as usual. when is that going to go away??? will it ever? Its the most awful feeling to start your day off with anxiety surging through your body so much that you literally shake/tremble. I am somewhat better today than yesterday. I cried on the way to work. I feel on the verge of tears.

I want to tell my therapist how Ive been feeling but I'm afraid shes going to give up on me. I'm afraid she will think I'm not trying. I am trying but nothing seems to help the bad feelings go away. Ive been trying some of the exercises from the behavior workbook but they dont work. Its not enough. the emotions are bigger than anything that can distract or soothe me. The meds dont seem to be working yet. All I feel is sleepy and a little less alert than normal. Cognitive Behavior Therapy doesnt seem to do it. I feel hopeless. Like this will never go away. Who wants to live like this? I feel like maybe I'm beyond help. I feel like my body has betrayed me. Its like it has a mind of its own and it doesnt matter what I want. Like ive lost control of my own thoughts and feelings.

May 17, 2011
10:23 am
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feeling better this afternoon. I always feel awful in the mornings. Sometimes I wake up and I feel like its the end of the world and then after a few hours I start to calm down. Dont know why I'm so emotional in the mornings. I'm just glad it didnt last the whole day long this time.

I just got back from the dentist. I now have a temporary cap. I wasnt expecting that today. I thought he was just going to look, but before I knew it there was a needle in my mouth and 3 shots of novacaine later the drilling began. Even with all that novacaine I still felt a bit of pain but nothing I couldnt handle so I didnt say anything. I'm glad I went and got it taken care of. Now I wont have to worry about playing clarinet with a broken tooth. I go back in a month for the permanent cap.

I'm proabably sitting here drooling and dont know it. lol the whole right side of my face is numb.

Today I am thankful for dentists

I am thankful that overwhelming feelings dont last forever

and I'm always thankful when it isnt snowing! raining today which is a bummer but atleast its not snow.

yes i'm feeling better.....

May 18, 2011
9:10 am
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Sorry  I haven't posted sooner.   Just been real busy and going through some funk of my own. 

I do believe the tiredness from the medication will subside with time.   Since I am not a mental health professional I don't really know why you would be waking up in such a bad state.  It could be that you need something to take at bedtime.   Maybe your sleep cycle is screwed up and causing anxiety.   I take Trazadone for sleep and it seems to help me wake feeling calm and rested.  

Please don't give up on yourself or your therapy.   Changes take time and you will have ups and downs.   Your therapist knows this and is not going to get angry or upset when your progress slows down.   Behavioral therapy doesn't work overnight.   You are battling a lifetime of stuff and it won't resolve overnight unfortunately.

 

You are doing the best you can and you should continue to be proud of yourself.  Hang in there!!

 

((((HUGS)))Smile

May 19, 2011
6:13 am
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well i had a decent day yesterday. Not that I was beaming from ear to ear - but I didnt feel on the verge of tears, anxiety was down, and i was not overwhelmed by any emotions. What made yesterday different than Monday or Tuesday? Beats me! Maybe the medication is starting to take effect? I sure do hope so!!

My therapist was disappointed my last session that I hadnt done any work in my Behavior Therapy workbook and asked that I email her my progress in it since I wont be able to see her for another 3 weeks. She asked me to write down the goal of the exercise, how helpful it was, and my thoughts on the content. So I emailed her the information last night and this morning I got a nice email back from her which says........

You have been working very hard. You are right in that it gets better with practice. Your body is so used to feeling stressed. It will take time to train it to feel relaxed. Talking about beliefs and spirituality might be a good place to begin next session.

I was so glad that she could see that I am trying even tho the exercises have only been somewhat helpful. I look forward to talking to her about spirituality in my next session. (Curious, would you want to talk about spirituality with me)?

Today I am using soothing music to help me relax

May 19, 2011
4:46 pm
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That's great!

May 20, 2011
5:25 am
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Hi MADD thanks for your post!

I had another decent day yesterday. Is it really possible the Prozac could be working? Today I am filled with hope about it. Tomorrow I have another dose increase which will hit the target dose of 30mg. I am keeping my faith in it.

Starting the day off here with some mild anxiety but still doing pretty well compared to before.

I wanted to talk about spirituality because in my workbook, one of the exercises has to do with connecting to your higher power.

It says "Whether you believe in God, many gods, a divine universe, or the goodness that exists within each human being, having faith in something bigger and more powerful than yourself can often make you feel empowered, safe, and calm."

and "Believing in something divine, holy, or special can help you endure stressful situations as well as help you soothe yourself."

The goal of this exercise is to explore your spirituality. There are 9 questions they help you to identify your beliefs and ways to strengthen them.

The problem is that I'm not sure what I believe and the questions didnt help me identify them. And I'm confused about what spirituality is and if its connected to religion or not.

Ma - if youre reading this I would love to get your perspective on this.

I am not throwing this out here to have a debate or argument. I simply want a better understanding of what spirituality is and what it means to others so that I can better identify my own beliefs.

would anyone else like to share their beliefs?

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