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Understanding feelings
April 20, 2011
6:01 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Thought I would bring my "junk" back to my thread and out of the coffeehouse.

If you were in the coffeehouse you know I got my stairs vacuumed and that gave me a small sense of accomplishment. I have a pet Guinea Pig whose cage really needs to be cleaned so that is my plan for tonight.

It stopped raining here for now. The sky is milky and its still kinda raw out.

I'm doing ok. I wish I were happy, but ok is better than in tears. I wonder if I'll ever be more than just "ok". Will I ever wake up with such happiness and enthusiasm to see what the day will hold for me? I still feel like I'm not living for me. I'm alive because it would hurt others if......

ok - just stop with the negativity<---- talking to myself-----> make an appreciation list

Today I am thankful for AAC

I am thankful my house is one step closer to being cleaner and more inviting and relaxing

I am thankful I have a therapist to talk to who I am missing this week

I am thankful I havent killed the aloe plant I was given as a gift Laugh I think I need more plants in my home too!

and I'm always thankful when its not SNOWING! lol

April 21, 2011
5:21 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Finally the sun is out again! Having the sun shine always bumps up my mood a little bit. Today I feel sad but not distraught. this is good actually. I am able to prevent my emotions from overtaking me into that downward spiral.

I didnt get the Ginea Pig cage cleaned. Poor pig. But I did do some other things. I even "cooked" dinner which I havent done for months and months. It was just a grilled cheese. I dont usually spend much time in the kitchen so waiting for the sandwich to cook gave me some time to start clearing off the counters and kitchen table. I bought myself some flowers about 3 weeks ago and believe it or not some of them are still lookin pretty good. I threw away the dead ones, cut the stems of the decent ones and made a smaller bouquet. It looks real pretty on my newly cleaned table. Tonight is cage cleaning night!

Ive skimmed the behavior therapy workbook but havent done any work in it yet. I'm borrowing my therapists book and I want to write my thoughts down in the book so I'm waiting for my own book to arrive. It should be today.

The behavior therapy workbook is going to teach these 4 skills

  • mindfulness
  • interpersonal effectiveness
  • emotion regulation
  • distress tolerance

Distress Tolerance is first on the agenda.

one of the things it talks about is distracting yourself from self-destructive behaviors with pleasurable behaviors and then it gives you pages of things you could do instead. It seems so simple but when you get overwhelmed with emotion you dont always think clearly so having a list to see is helpful. Youre supposed to check off which activities you are willing to do. and later you create your own plan. When I actually start doing the workbook I will share more with you.

When I arrived to work today there was a box of "robins eggs" on my desk. My co-worker gave them to me. What a thoughtful thing to do!

April 21, 2011
5:50 pm
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curious64
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I am so happy to hear the positive vibes in your posts.   How sweet that someone gave you Easter candy.   Cooking, that is a positive step.  I love grilled cheese.  My kids love them too. 

Thank you for sharing about your behavior therapy.  I'm sure I can learn some things from that.  Distress tolerance is certainly something I could use.   Before I buckle down and tackle a problem I usually freak out and go to the worst possible thoughts for an outcome.

So great that you bought flowers for yourself.  I love to have fresh flowers around.   They just brighten up the room and my mood.

I'm sorry to be short here, but I have to get to bed early.  Busy day tomorrow.  Sending positive thoughts your way.

 

((((HUGS))))

April 22, 2011
8:21 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Curious thank you for taking the time to stop by my thread last night!

 

I'm not doing well today but better than last night and earlier this morning. Something happened last night that was upsetting and I realized this is exactly why I need to start doing the work in my workbook. It was hard to cope. Hard to let it go. I got filled with anxiety and didnt sleep well at all. I felt overwhelmed and immobilized by my feelings and unable to do much to distract myself. I am the type who cant let something go until it gets resolved and it might be awhile before this gets resolved. I keep telling myself it will be ok. It will get fixed. I'm so impatient I just want it fixed now so I can relax. I'm tired. I want to sleep. having anxiety takes up a lot of energy. I  JUST WANT THAT AWFUL FEELING INSIDE TO GO AWAY!

that being said.....I need to do something to help myself feel better. I cant concentrate and focus on my work. Ive been trying to distract myself by popping around different websites but it isnt working very well.

The sun is out. thats always good.

I got the Ginea Pig cage cleaned last night

cooked grilled cheese again (will be cooking that again tonight. all I have left to eat is bread and cheese and some very sour kiwis.) Going shopping tomorrow

I think I will buy my parents some flowers for easter tomorrow

I think I will buy myself some more flowers tomorrow

Its lunch time I'm going outside to get some fresh air

Going to try and think positive thoughtsConfused

April 22, 2011
9:58 am
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curious64
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Troubled -  I am sorry you are having a bad day, but on the bright side you were aware of it and were able to try to shake it off. 

When I find myself worrying about something I sometimes just ask myself "what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if.....?"   For example, if Ihave  a presentation at work and I am stressing over it and feeling anxious I just think abut what the worst thing is that could happen.  Is anybody going to die because I gave a bad presentation?  No.  Will the world stop rotating?  No, etc. etc.   I also ask myself if it is something I can control.  If it is not then I just have to redirect my thoughts.  Can't waste time worrying about things I have not control over.  An example would be How high is gas going to get?  I can't do anything about that so I'm trying not to worry about it. 

Don't know if that would help you, but just thought I would share that with you.   You are making progress.   I wish you could see it as I do from the outside.   Keep pushing forward and I know you will be just fine.

Got to get back to work.

 

HUGS!!!!

April 22, 2011
12:45 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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Curious you are one of the kindest ladies I know. To take time out of your busy day to relate with me, and encourage and support me when I am not doing well (and when I am Laugh) is very much appreciated. I hope you have the most enjoyable weekend/easter holiday. If I could I would buy you some flowers too!

(((Hugs)))

April 25, 2011
7:19 am
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Troubled - You say the nicest things and I really needed that today.  Haven't been on all weekend, stationary front here has my head in a vice.   We are expecting historic flooding.  Have had almost 6 inches of rain and 6 more to come.  

Hope you had an enjoyable weekend.   Sometimes Holidays can be rough, but I feel like you were in a good mind set and probably did well.   If not, just pick yourself up and start again.  

My head is pounding and reading this screen isn't helping so I am going to keep it short for now.   Wishing you an amazing week!!! 

(((HUGS))))

April 26, 2011
5:15 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Curious - I am thinking of you and wondering how you faired in the awful rains? Did your headache subside? Hope you are ok.

 

I did do well for the holiday. I was able to tolerate the chaos and stress better than in the past. I guess therapy is working. I dont know how, but something seems to be working. There was even a scary moment when my father fell down a flight of stairs. It was hard to see him laying on the floor like that and even tho I panicked and cried a bit I didnt let the feelings overwhelm me and swallow me up. It helped that after a little time, my father got up and was ok. Hurt his foot/ankle - but was ok.

Things just feel a little more even keel (sp?) to me lately. Of course, (except for the incident last week), nothing major has happened to trigger my emotions to go haywire. I guess in the past nothing actually needed to happen. It was like the bad feelings came on without cause. And then would just spin and spin with no way out. And then when something did happen, those bad feelings already spinning inside me became so intensified I didnt know how to cope.

I dont know....something is changing. I am coping pretty well day to day. I'm also trying to become more aware of what is happening to trigger these feelings that seem to come on without cause. I mean, theres got to be a reason even tho I may not be aware of it.

I have therapy tonight. Tomorrow I have my second (and last) art class. Thursday and Friday I have to cover for a co-worker which I am feeling a tiny bit anxious about since I dont normally do her type of job. Saturday I have a meeting in the morning and get to watch my nephew play baseball in the afternoon. Sunday I hope to just rest.

April 26, 2011
5:59 am
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Troubled - I am so happy that you are seeing progress.  Doesn't that feel awesome!!!   Sorry about your dad falling.  I know that had to be very scary.   You seem to be really moving forward in your recovery and you should be so very proud of yourself.  You are taking the time to focus on yourself and the results are beginning to show.

We are still in the midst of the rain storm of the century.   Expecting 5 more inches in the next 24 hours.  Can't ever remember this many days of rain and storms.  It feels like the end of the world or something.   Head is still hurting.   Probably won't let up until this front moves out of here.  Took some claritan today and that is helping a little bit.

So, what kind of art did you do in your class?   I wish I was artistic, but I can hardly draw stick people, lol.  My son is great at sketching things, but he did not get that from me.  My sister used to do oil painting and my mom has some talent.  So is there a next level of class or is this just the end of it?   Sounds like maybe it is something you should incorporate into your life.  You seem like a very creative person.  This could be an outlet for pent up emotions.

Well, the desk is piled with work so I better get back to it.   Just remember when filling in for someone they don't expect you to be perfect at the job.   Just do your best and you will be fine.

 

Have a fantastic day!!!

HUGS!!

April 27, 2011
5:30 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Hi Curious - Did you know that coming here and connecting with you is the highlight of my days? Its true. And at this moment I am feeling quite grateful for having this place to come to. I work for a tiny company with just a few people and we all have our own offices where we spend much of our time alone doing our own thing. I was telling my therapist last night how lonely and isolated I feel all throughout the day. There have been days where I see, nor speak to anyone. I come in and sit in this office for 9 hours without anyone ever even knowing if I was even here or not. So being able to come to AAC during that time and be able to connect and relate with someone eases that pain a bit. Thank You.

The art class is actually for people with no artistic talent. How 'bout that? Its called Zentangle. It is basically abstract art made by forming patterns which the teacher explains how to make. Once you start a pattern you repeat it several times in a meditative type way. Its a good distraction and anxiety reducer. The pain in my neck from looking down for an extended period of time was a great distraction last time. lol

Well, therapy didnt go so well last night. Not that it went bad but I went in feeling very unsettled and was hoping to get some relief by talking about some things that were troubling me but the unsettled feelings never really went away and I'm not sure what they are even about. Having these unsettled feelings and not understanding made it even worse. But like you said, I am making and seeing progress. I consiously tried not to let the feelings overwhelm me. And altho they never really went away (I still feel that way this morning) I didnt let it swallow me up. 2 months ago I wouldnt had been able to cope. Today I can. Yay.

I hope the rains are slowing down in your part of the world. Can you believe it snowed here last Saturday? Fortunately it turned to rain and didnt stick. Its been cold and rainy here but not soakers. Today the sun is supposed to come out and its supposed to hit near 70. I am looking forward to getting out of this office this afternoon at lunch time and going for a walk in the predicted warmer weather.

so long for now........ hope you are doing ok(?) 

April 27, 2011
7:34 am
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Troubled - Good to see you today.  I look forward to hearing from you so I know what you mean about that.  I only have one person I interact with regularly at work.  I eat lunch alone most days and work in an office by myself.   Good for you getting out to take walk today.   A little exercise is always good for clearing the mind.

The art class sounds like something that I could maybe do, lol.  I'm so bad at that kind of stuff.  Sounds like it would be a good way to distract your mind from worrying about things.   I use computer games for that a lot.  I can mindlessly play these games and forget about the world for a while.

Our weather is still rainy.  the sun did come out for a brief moment today, but the clouds are back.  We were lucky last night, the worst of it went south into Kentucky.  Expecting more rain and storms today.   There is a rumor we may see some sunshine tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. Confused

Sorry that therapy was difficult for you.  From my own experience I can tell you there will be times when you leave feeling worse than when you went in.   That is usually when some stuff is trying to come to the surface and sometimes it is just old feelings that have been repressed.  Many times after my appt I left and parked somewhere and just sat in the car and cried.  Learning to feel those feelings helped me a lot though.  Now instead of turning to food or other things to mask my feelings, I just feel them and let them go.

I think it is good that you can see your own progress.  It helps to keep you motivated and moving toward your goal.  I know when I first came here, this site was a lifeline for me. Never would have made it through without it.   I'm glad we are getting to know each other and I am happy that I am able to give back in some way for all the support I received here and still receive.    I worry sometimes that I might not say the right thing, but I just speak from my heart and hope it can be of help to someone.   I'm not a professional or a trained mental health worker, I am simply someone who has suffered through some things and lived to tell about it Smile

Hope you have a great walk today and feel rejuvinated when you get back.  Getting ready to head to lunch myself.  Have a wonderful afternoon.

 

((((((HUGS))))))))

April 28, 2011
9:25 am
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TroubledXYZ
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just going to ramble here ..... this entry is basically for myself..............

Bad day. Bad couple of days.

Ive been trying so hard to hold it all together but its getting harder and harder. Tears keep escaping today and twice I have been "caught" crying in my office.

Yesterdays phone call was such a surprise. I was excited to hear G's voice on the voice msg. But I was also panicked and scared. I didnt know why G was calling. "just checking in" was the msg. It had been nearly 6 months. 6 months of sadness, anxiety and obsessing, memories and hoping......

As time went on it got a tiny bit easier. Ive been telling myself time will heal all.

Excited, panicked, scared, confused I called my therapist. She encouraged and supported.

In the end i didnt let fear win and returned the call. The call went well. Relief was added to the flood of emotions I was feeling.

Relief lasted briefly. Then doubt set in. Then memories and sadness. obsessing and playing the voice msg over and over so I could hear G's voice. Time will heal all but now its as if the clocks been turned back. I have to start the disconnect all over again. Only for the possibility of actually being able to see G later this year.

I cant stop crying. I wish I were at home I would allow myself to do so.

anxiety anxiety anxiety - it never really goes away. WHEN WILL IT STOP!? I keep wondering if I should give meds another try. It didnt work last time and only made me tired and zoned out. I'm scared to try again. But a racing heart day after day cant be too healthy either.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. why do I have to have such a sensitive soul? Why am I so emotionally fragile?

Ive been working so hard on emotional regulation and not letting feelings overwhelm me. Maybe all I was doing was building a dam and today the damn dam broke!

I feel awful. When I get home I'm taking the Ativan I have left and going to sleep!Cry

April 28, 2011
10:26 am
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(((((((TROUBLED))))))  Bless your heart, it sounds like you are having a rough day and I am sorry for that.  Can you refresh my memory about who "G" is and why the relationship ended?  I have been seperated from my toxic relationship for over a year now and still if I hear his name or see him in town it can cause and emotional avalanche.  Not sure if this was a romantic involvement for you or not.  I don't have time at work to go back through this thread to see.  I'm sorry my memory is failing me here.   After I hit 40, the memory was shot, lol.

I know it stinks when emotions flare up at work.  In the past I have been caught crying at work and I hate that.  Sometimes I think a good cry is just what the doctor ordered.   It is a cleansing process for us from the inside out.   Being very emotional is difficult, but I am sure you will find a way to work through this.  If this "G" is someone you need to stay apart from then I would encourage "NO CONTACT".   The contact is like constantly ripping the bandage off of an old wound and not allowing it to heal properly. 

Darn, I wish I could remember who G is. I am going to scroll back through this thread and see if I can find it. 

You hang in there.   Good job calling your therapist.  I'm glad you have that option.   Will write more later.

 

Sending you a great big hug and some positive energy!!!!

April 28, 2011
10:41 am
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Looks like we are on here at the same time, that is kind of cool.   I looked back through this and I can't find "G" mentioned, so you may have to catch me up on that situation.  

Wrap your arms around yourself today and squeeze real hard.  That is a hug from me to you.   Got to get back to work now, but I will get on later this evening and see how you are doing.  (((HUGS)))

April 29, 2011
7:01 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Curious you didnt have to reply to my ramblings yesterday. I have A LOT of bad days and I dont want you to feel like you need to be here to support me each time a spill. I most certainly appreciate your support. I just dont ever want you to feel like you 'have' to. ok?

I have not talked about G before so I hope you didnt spend a lot of time looking. I feel too overwhelmed to really talk about it right now but G is not a toxic person and my therapist actually encouraged me to return the call.

I'm still trying to sort out what happened. Its kinda complicated. I dont have the courage to try and sort it out here right now.

Ive been on activity and emotional overload lately. I need to rest. I need to give my body and mind a rest. I was hoping the Ativan would sedate me last night. I did get some sleep but I think it was just out of pure exhaustion. I want to FEEL the medication effecting my body. I dont want to have to wonder if its working. I WANT TO FEEL IT WORKING - like I'm - in another world or something. I dont want to be asleep then I would miss the effects. Maybe I will take a higher dose tonight and see if that works. Is this crazy talk or what? Hey, anything to get some relief for awhile. Yell

April 30, 2011
12:32 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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well i never did take more Ativan. I'm such a chicken I was afraid. Infact, I didnt take any at all.

I'm still feeling troubled and overwhelmed by all the feelings that came when G called. Maybe in time I can explain the whole story, but for now I will atleast tell you that G is my x-therapist who Ive been having an extremely hard time letting go of.

I was scared to return the call and tell her I was seeing a new therapist. My current therapist encouraged and supported me in making the call and telling G the truth about that. I was so scared because I thought I had betrayed her. My current therapist B even said if I wanted to go back to G she would understand since we have a history.

The call went ok and everything. G said it was ok. I was so relieved. But then later, I doubted it and wondered if it really was ok. And then I started wondering if B didnt want me as a client anymore and thats why she said it would be ok if I went back. Maybe nobody knows how to deal with me.

I might actually get to see G in the fall if she runs her group therapy then. I asked her to keep me in mind if she does and she said she would, but later I wondered if she meant it.

In the mean time, the pain and sadness I felt from our separation nearly 6 months ago (which had been easing up a tiny bit) is back in full force. Our last session did not end with closure. I was supposed to go back. But I couldnt and I cant explain why at the moment.

My heart aches. I'm a mess. Tears streaming down my face. And I dont think anyone, anywhere understands how much emotional pain I am in right now!

so so so sad

May 1, 2011
8:41 am
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nearly 1230 in the afternoon and i'm just dragging myself up.

i ruin everything!Yell

i feel so alone!!

hoping cost-cutters will still be open by the time i get out there.  maybe a much needed haircut will help me feel a bit better.

im tired

tired of life. tired of fighting my emotions every day.

its one thing when you are living in abuse or a situation you can get away from. thats hard enough. but i have a disorder and that i cant escape because its all internal.

I tried to use my newly devised distraction plan yesterday. Oh sure, I went through the motions of the activities but all the while the emotional pain remained. not less. but hanging on for the ride.

i'm trapped by my own mind. held hostage to face everything unfiltered, as if it were meant to knock me off my feet. some days i fight and stand my ground. but mostly i waver. unsteady and scared and frustrated.

why dont i have the courage to kill myself?

May 1, 2011
11:04 am
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((((((troubled))))))  My heart goes out to you.   I hate that you are in so much pain.   Please remember that there are 24 hot-lines and ER's if you need to utilize that service.   I cannot say that I know how you feel since I do not suffer from your problem, but I do know about emotions controlling a person.   I have been fighting a bit of my own battle lately.  I am missing a couple of friends terribly and wondering and doubting myself.   Did I do something?  Why do people find it so easy to walk away from?  and on and on.  

Suffering from Major Depressive Disorder I do know a little bit about not being able to get away from you feelings and not being able to change how you feel.   For me, the medication works most of the time.  I have tried to learn and pay attention to my triggers.   One that I know if is if I mismanage my money badly and am struggling to pay a bill I become very overwhelmed and feel like it is all  hopeless.  SInce I do not know what your diagnosis is I can't really say much about possible triggers or solutions.   On way I do know to burn off extra emotional energy is to work out hard.  Really get the heart rate up, get the sweat going and the body will release endorphines that make you feel better.

Please don't let some down days get your mind thinking about ending your life.  That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.   Give the therapy a chance to work, it takes time.  Maybe give medication another thought.  Talk to the therapist about new medications and possible side effects.  New ones are coming out all of the time and there may be one that is better suited for you than what you have tried in the past.

I so wish I had the right words or knew what to do for you.  All I can do is be here for you, pray for you and listen.   Remember that you are worth the fight.  You are an awesome person and you are going to beat this problem. 

((((HUGS))))

May 1, 2011
2:05 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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Curious I am so thankful you stopped by today!

my bad emotions never seem to end. they seem to have the same ebb and tide as the sea. Sometimes the current is so strong and angry it comes pounding into my body with a vengence creating havvoc and tearing me apart, only to receed and come back a short time later with the same force. Some days are calm and the sun is all shining and out of no where I get slammed again. But it never really goes away. Thats what is frustrating. And whats even more frustrating is that most of the time I dont know where the bad feelings are coming from -  what its linked to. What was the cause to make such a large, powerful and lasting effect? Like a monster ready to show its ugly head at any given moment.

I dont know how to get control over this!!!

one thing I do know is that you stopping by today has helped.

Nothing worse than feeling like youre all alone in the world when one person reaches out - it helps you hang in there. ty.

I was so hoping the Ativan would work for me the other night and I would ask to go back on it. But it didnt do a thing for me. But something has got to be out there that works for me. I will talk to my therapist about medication again and see what she says.

I dont know how much longer I can tolerate this but for now I keep at the fight.

Thanks again for stopping by

(((Curious)))

May 3, 2011
6:32 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I didnt post yesterday. I was still feeling bad and didnt have much to add.

This morning I felt so overwhelmed by bad feelings I emailed my therapist. I told her how I was feeling. How its like this fight every day. How alone I feel. Like no one understands. How I start feeling suicidal because its the only way I know how to end the pain. etc etc...

she wrote back.... I so needed to hear some comforting words. A verbal hug. Instead she just said she felt it was time to go to the psychiatrist for medication. I know she is right. Ive been thinking about that a lot lately, but somehow that didnt comfort me. It scares me a lot considering how it effected me last time. But I made the call and I have an appointment with a psyciatrist for Friday. Not looking forward to it but I think its worth giving it a try.

Right now I am feeling so very weary and troubled.

May 3, 2011
7:35 am
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((((((((TROUBLED))))))) So sorry to hear you are still struggling so badly.   I am happy that you have contacted a psychiatrist.   It is worth giving it a try.  You may have to try a couple before you find the one that works the best, but giving this a try is giving yourself a shot at some much needed emotional relief.  

I am actually considering asking the doctor to up my dosage.  We had cut it in half, but the depression is creeping back on me and  I believe my medication just needs to be adjusted.  

Will be praying for you appt, that all will go well and the right medication will be easily found for you.   You deserve a break from this onslaught of emotions you have been suffering.   There is only so much you can do on your own. 

Keep posting, keep trying to focus on some positive things.   I am here with you.   Just hang on and let the doctor give you his recommendations. 

((((HUGS))))Smile

May 4, 2011
4:41 am
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Curious thanks for being here! I feel like you understand a little bit since youve been through depression. I think if youve never had it or been through it one just doesnt understand.

I am troubled and confused by my families response. I am thankful for their financial help with my therapy because I wouldnt be able to afford it without them. so I felt like I had to get permission yesterday to go to a psychiatrist and get medicine because this will add to the financial burdon.

Altho I see my family often, I hide how I feel from them. Everyone seemed mad at me before. And even tho I'm doing a little better now, you see how much pain I'm still in. But no one in my real life sees it. Not saying that I'm all smiles. But I can go about my day without anyone realizing how much I am suffering. Except when I get caught crying I guess. But even then, no questions asked. We all just pretend it isnt happening.

So when I called my mom yesterday to tell her, I first had to tell her I am not doing well. I felt scared to tell her. I felt like she would be mad at me. She was not, but something inside tells me there is shame in not doing well emotionally.

She asked if she could tell Dad. she said if they are going to help me out he should know. At first I said yes. I told her he is going to be surprised because he thinks I'm doing so much better. I explained how I hide how I feel. This is what troubles me. She said that was good (to hide my feelings) because Dad didnt like seeing me so down all the time.

This brings back childhood memories where I was not allowed to express myself. I didnt know I was so emotionally sensitive until recently but imagine the emotionally sensitive child not being able to express themselves? It was torture. There was like an unspoken rule to not feel. Each emotion meant something bad about you. Even laughter meant you were being too silly or too loud.

I got scared that Mom would tell him and I called her back and said I changed my mind I want to keep it private. She said ok. So now I feel like Im not only hiding my feelings from him, but now I am hiding the help I am trying to recv.

May I ask what medication you take and what the dose is? And what medications you have tried that didnt work?

May 5, 2011
8:30 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Ma Strong asked me if I was Robbie in a PM. Below is my reply to her. I am posting it here so the truth will be known. It isnt easy to put this out here for all to see, but its the right thing to do. Ma, Bitsy, Curious and anyone else I have hurt I am deeply sorry. I hope one day I will regain trust i have so badly damaged and continue to get support for my very real issues like depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation etc...

 

 

Dear Ma Strong

 

At the risk of losing the only place I have for support I'm going to answer your question. Admitting that I am Robbie is not an easy thing. And losing the minimal but only support I have here isnt easy either. But yes, I am Robbie.

Robbie has Munchausen by Internet Disorder. I know that must sound like a silly term, but its real and I have it. In all the time I posted as Robbie, that disorder never reared its ugly head. That was years of control. But last winter something happened. Something inside me went haywire (perhaps caused by all these medictions they had me on) and I posted that Robbie was ill. A couple weeks later I regretted it. I had to stop before it got out of hand and I did. But it was too hard to come clean. How could I hurt the people who were helping me? And I am so sorry I hurt you like that. And I am sorry I hurt Bitsy too. Will you please forgive me? I didnt do it to purposely hurt. I know this sounds like an excuse but my emotional instability got out of whack and it caused this dysfunctional behavior.

I still needed support from AAC and with people coming in with different nicknames I thought I could too. Its been hard to try and get support as this new person because I cant always fully explain things so I wouldnt sound like Robbie. But you knew me too well. Curious has really helped me and I dont want to lose that support. I have been nothing but honest with her and I am grateful she has been there for me. I guess Ive dug my own grave, huh? I'm sure you will tell her and she will no longer talk to me.

I lost my last therapist because she wouldnt work with me while I was so unstable. That was a mistake and what brought on everything getting out of hand. For awhile I had no therapist. Now I'm going to lose the support I have here too. I have noone else but my current therapist for support with my psychological issues. But in the end, telling the truth is the right thing to do. The best thing to do. I sincerely apologize. 

Ma, its taken me a lot of courage this morning to tell you the truth. And hitting the reply button is scary. I deeply regret the hurt I have caused you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me?

May 5, 2011
8:59 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I want to make note that Ma did forgive me. And I also want to make clear that I understand that forgiveness doesnt make the behavior ok. AT ALL. I know it is unacceptable. I know that I will not get the same kind of forgiveness from everyone. I understand that and accept that.

I cant change what I did. Believe me, I wanted to. I cant change the past, but I can move forward to not ever engage in that type of behavior ever again. I am working closely with my therapist on that. And I do believe I have made progress by not continuing to do this since the day i stopped posting on Robbies thread.

May 5, 2011
10:01 am
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curious64
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Troubled - It took a great deal of courage for you to share this information and I am so very proud of you!!!   The fact that you are willing to admit to this probem puts you leaps and bounds ahead of others who suffer from this same problem. 

I have sent you a PM, but will also tell you here, I forgive you.  You are my friend, you have a problem and what kind of friend would I be to just walk away?  

Keep working on your therapy assignments.   If you actually have an appt for a medication visit please keep it.   I will continue to stop in and see how you are doing.   New protocols are being developed as this problem becomes more widespread.  Hang in there.

 

((((((HUGS!!)))))

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