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Understanding feelings
March 21, 2011
6:14 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I recently went through a bout of severe anxiety and deep depression. I was a bit suicidal and got help. I have been in therapy since January.

It has been bothering me a lot that when I was feeling suicidal I did what "they" say to do - I told someone how I was feeling. My sister. And she responded with anger and telling me she never wanted to hear me say that again. Ok, fine - next time I wont say anything - I'll just do it. I do the right thing and thats what it gets me.

Lately I feel myself slipping a bit. going from mild depression and anxiety to severe and back.

Recently, I was very up front with my therapist which led to a diagnosis of a rare mental illness. I am so ashamed about it I wont say what it is. Although she has no experience with it (has been a therapist for 20 yrs), she said she was still willing to try and help me and needed to do some research to try and find a course of treatment.

She then asked me if she could ask a doctor for advice because he specializes in the condition and has written several books on it. So I said yes, desperate to get the help I need. I was devestated to learn there is no protocol for treatment at this time because most people who have this do not admit to it, nor ask for help. Now I feel like there is little hope for me.

what I really want to know is this....when someone thinks and feels inside themselves, "Noone gives a shit about me (and this is how I truely feel) and I just dont seem to matter to ANYbody. I really would rather be dead."

 that is not suicidal thoughts, is it? I dont have plans to act on it. and ive never attempted to even when I was so sick seveal months ago.

Its how I FEEL, not what I plan to do.

March 21, 2011
8:32 am
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curious64
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Welcome to AAC.   I'm not a professional, just a person who has walked in your shoes to some degree.   I had no plan to kill myself, but just did not want to live anymore.  Didn't want to keep going through the motions.  I was suffering from major depressive disorder and I have learned that it was due to my codependency. 

It sounds like you have a therapist who is willing to dig in and get you the hellp you need.  The doctor can probably give some guidance as to the direction to take.

I have been doing something for the last week that has been very helpful, putting a list on here of things I am thankful for.  Other have joined in.  We share thanks for things from soft tissues to being able to see to read here.   My thread is ......really need encouragement....  Please feel free to check it out.

I'm sorry your sister got angry, but your probably scared her to death.  People are not usually prepared to handle that kind of information.   You can always call a crisis line or hospital ER if you get to feeling that way again and don't feel like you can talk to anyone else.  

Keep posting here and reading threads.   Many people here have been through a lot and have great experience to share.

 

(((((HUGS))))

March 21, 2011
4:50 pm
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andii
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It doesn't sound  like suicidal thoughts to me, it sounds more like extreme loneliness.  I've been there before- lonely, wondering why I was alive, what the purpose was, what the point was, and not being here seemed like a better.  I just didn't have a connection- not to people, animals.  Well, I had the connection, but I didn't feel it.  I felt alone and very sad.  I got on some depression meds and it really helped.  I know prescriptions and pills ren't always the answer, but I found myself full of energy whereas before I felt like I had to fight to get it.  And somewhere things balanced out.  I haven't felt that lonely and alone for a long time.

 

I hope things perk up for you. 

 

andii

March 23, 2011
6:55 am
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nadamystery
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Welcome Troubled XYZ keep posting. We are all here to offer support.

March 23, 2011
7:33 am
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karmakop
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troubledxyz - when nadamystery says "we are *ALL* here to offer support" she means it. she is posting as nadamystery AND andii AND free. she's ALL of them. just letting ya know.

March 23, 2011
7:44 am
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nadamystery
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I did mean what I said about being here to support Troubled XYZ. What other names are you posting under karma biker chick?

March 23, 2011
8:18 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Thank you for your replies. I saw my therapist last night and told her how I was feeling and she said that its called "Suicidal Ideation." I looked it up and that makes sense for me.

I have been down the medication route before unsuccessfully. It only seemed to enhance my depression and anxiety and in addition give me brain fog. I tried several different medications to no avail.

Last nights sessions was really tough as I related a significant life event related to my mental illness. It was hard for me to tell her the things I did because there is guilt and shame involved. I started feeling very anxious and upset before I left and she gave me some extra time to talk things through a bit longer before going home alone with all these feelings flying around. Once I got home all I could think of was, "I hate myself" "I hate my life" "I just want to die" but of course thats just "Suicidal Ideation" lol

I broke down this morning and started journaling about more life events. Have been teary all morning.

How sweet to get an email from my therapist to see if I was OK this morning since we had such  a tough session last night.

nadamystery and karmakop - i'll let you two work things out whatever they may be.

March 23, 2011
8:51 am
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curious64
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I'm glad you were able to share some things with your therapist.   I tried several medications before I found one that worked.   I take Welbutrin for depression and it really helps me without side effects or fog.  Maybe there are some new drugs out there that might help you as well without all of the negative effects. 

Journaling is a good thing.   Hellps get things out and sometimes clears the mind.  I think it is awesome that your therapist e-mailed you to see how you were doing.  Sounds like you have one that really cares and that can be rare. 

I don't know what it is that you hate yourself for and I don't have to know.  I have made some whopper mistakes in my past and used to beat myself up 24/7, but you know what?  We can't change what has already happened, all we can do is learn from it and move forward.   Just try everyday to not repeat past mistakes.  Forgive yourself.  The only person you hurt by the guilt and/or shame is yourself.  You deserve to give yourself a break.  You are working on your problems and that is all you can ask of yourself.

As you saw there is some drama going on here on the site, but there are also people who really care and want to help in anyway they can.  I am one of those people.  I don't have all the answers by any means, but I can listen, encourage and support you. 

Hang in there.  You can overcome this.  I believe in you.

((((HUGS))))

March 25, 2011
4:50 am
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TroubledXYZ
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ok ...what the heck is wrong with this site? Is there not a Site Coordinator here?

 

anyway, it hasnt been all that long since i got off the medications that made things worse, so i am hesitant to try again. but at the same time i continue to have anxiety (and depression) and sometimes wish i could just relax. i wake up with that feeling every morning. its like a trembling inside that just wont stop.

 

i'm feeling pretty down today. i guess this has become the norm for me. i just dont enjoy anything anymore. I feel like I'm living so that those who say they care (mostly my mom) wont get hurt. Im here for her and thats it. sad. i feel like crying.

March 25, 2011
5:35 am
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curious64
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Troubled - I am so sorry that you are feeling so down.  Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze real hard.   That is a big hug from me to you.  I know that the meds can be scary.   I tried some that just made me feel awful and for a while I wasn't willing to try again.  I'm glad that I did find one that works.  It has made such a huge difference in how I feel.

I know what you mean about that anxious, shaky feeling inside.  I get that sometimes and it is awful.   My doctor prescribed a mild anti-anxiety med called Buspar for me that only take when I have that shaky feeling.   It works well for me.  Only side effect I have is it makes me a little drowsy, but I'll take that over feeling like I am coming out of my skin.

Sure wish I had a great answer for you or some awesome wisdom, but I am just a person who has suffered from major depressive disorder and anxiety who is feeling better and wanting to help in anyway I can.  I know what a dark and lonely place it can be.  When do you see your therapist again?   Just keep sharing with her/him your honest feelings and let the process work for you.  WHen you feel ready maybe you could try some medication again.  Have you checked into any herbal remedies or thought about acupuncture?   I have heard that it can help.   I wanted to try it, but my insurance didn't cover it.

I'm not sure what is going on with a SC.  They don't seem to ever step in and do anything about the trouble that goes on.   I just choose to ignore it as best I can. I hope you won't let that discourage you from coming here.  The site changed hands a few months ago and I'm hoping things will level out and go back to normal soon.

Sending you some positive energy and big hugs.   Hang in there.  You can get through this.

((((HUGS))))Smile

March 25, 2011
12:12 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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You know Curious64 ...you may not have an answer, but the fact that you took some time to post to me is helpful and made me smile. And thank you for the hug.

 

ive been sitting here with my mood getting lower and lower and I thought it was time to start that list of things I am thankful for. Please add to it if you want.

 

Today I am thankful it didnt SNOW!

Today I am thankful that winter is almost over.

I have a busier than normal weekend ahead which is good when one is depressed. I often find it hard to get out of bed and do anything on the weekends. I have a meeting in the morning, I get to watch my nephew play basketball in the afternoon, and then I'm going to The Olive Graden for my BIL Birthday. Sunday I am going puppy supply shopping with my co-worker. That will be plenty to keep me out of bed and if not being productive atleast being part of life!

I also need to do some house cleaning because I always lack the ambition to do it. I try to do this in baby steps and hope I will get just one thing done and not worry about the rest, but sometimes I dont even make it that far.

Curious64, I hope you will keep posting to me. I feel encouragement from you.

Troubled 

March 25, 2011
12:45 pm
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curious64
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Doesn't a thankful list make you feel a little better?  I started that on my thread and it seems to bring my mind back into focus.  It sounds like you are going to have a busy weekend and that can be good when we are depressed.  Sounds like some fun things to do. 

My weekend is going to be kind of quiet, but that is okay with me.  I need to get some housework done and catch up on my ironing, YUCK!   I have found it helps me if I break job down into smaller things and then celebrate what I get done.  Before I know it all the little things add up to one big improvement.

I will be on and off of here this weekend and will check in with you.   Give yourself a big hug now and then and think about the fact there is a person out in the cyberworld who is concerned for you and wishing you the best.

 

I am thankful for a chance to meet you and share with you. 

HUGS!!!!!!Cool

March 28, 2011
7:34 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I am feeling very troubled right now. I mentioned that I have a rather rare mental illness and my therapist reached out to a Dr. who is very knowledgable on the topic for advice on how to help me. This morning I got an email from her saying she got an email from him and he suggests distraction as a way to avoid the "bad" behavior.

 

What a freakin joke! distraction may stop the behavior for the time being, but it doesnt address the underlying core issues! Are you kidding me?? This Dr. is an expert on the disorder and he suggests distraction? Thats like denying what the problem really is. If I were an alcoholic do you think a mere distraction is going to stop the drinking behavior for long?

 

I was angry when I read that. I want to be open to ideas. And I want help but I dont think distraction therapy is gonna do it. I was so upset I called my therapist and asked her if it was okay to email her again. I fear abusing the privilege. But she said it was okay. Now I cant bring myself to tell her how I truly feel. First, I feel like I shouldnt disagree if I'm seeking help. And 2, if I'm so upset, she may not want to continue to email me and just wait until she sees me in person to tell me things.

 

I dont know what to do. I see her next week. But Ive got a whole week of these negative emotions regarding it brewing inside me now. I feel angry. I feel a lot of anger and frustration. So I thought I would come here and get my thoughts out here.

March 28, 2011
8:59 am
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curious64
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I totally understand how you feel.  When I was in therapy my therapist would tell me nobody can make me feel any particular way, I choose to feel that way.   For example, I would say my mom makes me feel guilty when I speak up for myself.  She would say, "your mom can't make you feel any particular way, you are choosing to feel that way".  I would get so mad I wanted to scream. 

Maybe you just need to share with the therapist that you are not understanding how this can help with your problem.  Maybe she can give you some answers as to why "distraction" would be beneficial in this case.  Sometimes fear of the unknown and lack of understanding can impede our progress towards recovery.   Your therapist can't help if you don't share what your concerns are.

Have you researched your diagnosis on the web?  Looked for types of treatment and success stories?  Maybe that would help you feel less alone and give you some clearer understanding of what is happening.

 

I wish I had the perfect answer for you, but I do know you have to communicate with the therapist and if at some point you still don't feel like they are on the right track then you may need to seek out a different therapist.  

Glad you came here to share your feelings.  Sometimes it can be helpful just to get it out.   I usually check in a couple of times a day so please don't feel like nobody cares.  I care and I am here for you to bounce thoughts off of anytime.   Hang in there.  You can get through this.

((((HUGS))))

March 28, 2011
12:13 pm
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TroubledXYZ
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I finally was able to send my therapist an email without getting all emotional about it. this is what I said ....

 

okay its taken nearly all day, but I have finally come to a place where I can ask a question about Dr.F's suggestion.
 
After thinking about it, and looking at his list of distractions - I take it this is used when the urge is quite strong. Like when an alcoholic sees a liquor store across the street and instead going for the booze they distract themselves with something else. This stops the behavior in the moment. (but not the underlying issues why they drink).
 
Surely Dr.F isnt suggesting that distraction be used to treat the core issues that drive the behavior in the first place, is he?
so thats what  I wrote, what do you think?
I have researched my diagnosis. Actually, I educated my therapist who had no experience with it which is why she went to the head hancho for answers. His first reaction was that there was no protocol of treatment because so few of us ask for help. There are no success stories as of yet and most will not admit to it so there is no support group. Then I lost all hope. I do feel very alone in my quest to get better. Then he wanted to hear more about my case because he is a researcher so I agreed that my therapist could share my emails with him. Thats when he suggested distraction as if i'm dealing with a mere scratch when its more like a bunch of broken bones! (broken spirit really).
youre right, I will get through this. I dont know how but I will.
you know what, I believe people CAN make other people feel guilty. I think saying you are responsible for your own feelings is bull crap. people can make you feel loved (or not), people can manipulate you into all kinds of feelings including guilt.
Thanks for caring and being here for me.
Hugs back atchya
March 28, 2011
1:09 pm
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curious64
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I have been thinking about this distraction idea and I am wondering if it is like when a person is tryinng to quit smoking.   They say, snap a rubberband on your wrist when you fee like smoking.  Kind of snaps the brain out of it current thought pattern.  At the same time you may be seeing a therapist, doctor or on pills to kick the habit.  Kind of like fake it till you make it. Laugh

Maybe the distraction is just to keep you from committing the act, what ever that might be, and then we therapy and such you slowly get to a point where the urges cease, or the broken bones heal so-to-speak.   Very intersting to think about.   Have you tried researching distraction therapy?  Maybe it is used for other diagnoses besides the ones you have.   Maybe you could see how it works in those cases.

Wish I could offer more help.   I can listen and encourage, I hope that helps you some.

March 30, 2011
3:51 am
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StronginHim77
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A peaceful "bump."  This is a good thread.

-  Ma Strong

March 30, 2011
5:05 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I'm not sure what a peaceful bump means but I can sure use some peace in my heart.

 

I have heard that when someone feels angry, that there are other feelings beneath that which is coming out as anger.

 

Can someone help me understand this? What could those other feelings be? Lately ive been so bitter and angry and I dont even know about what! I wake up feeling like that. I wake up trembling with anxiety and feeling angry. I dont want to feel so bad. I'm really a kind person. But I can also lash out and be really mean. What do I need to ask myself in order to recognize those other underlying feelings?

 

The reply I got from my therapist didnt make me very happy. I feel like all she wants to do is work on the "here and now" in order to stop my dysfunctional behavior and whatever happened in the past is not important. I said it seemed like Dr.F was forgetting an important step - after not engaging the dysfucntional behavior (because of distraction) you have to learn a healthier method to get the needs met. He didnt mention anything about THAT - just - use distraction to stop the behavior. When I told my therapist my feelings on that, she said we should wait until next week until we can have a real conversation. And while I understand that it will be easier to talk about it in person, I feel disconnected from the only person I have a live connection with. I guess thats part of my anger. Angry that I had the courage to tell her how I feel and it backfired on me. Now I feel like I cant email her at all and that was a big fear of mine. I dont even know where we stand now. I was in the process of writing about significant life events to read or talk about next time and now I guess it isnt important. Just the "here and now" is whats important.

 

well....I dont expect anyone to have the answers for me. I think I may be coming here more often just to write and get my feelings out. It does help to get it out. I also need to work on being a friend to others. So I will try to do that here as well. I need to learn how to give support as well as get it. I can get very self-absorbed because I want so badly to understand my thoughts and feelings and how to feel better and be a better person.

 

Peace, TroubledXYZ

March 30, 2011
5:39 am
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curious64
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((((((Troubled))))))  A peaceful bump, just means that someone "bumped" your thread up to the top so that it stayed in the top of the list.   Glad to hear from you.  I had been thinking about you.

For me, this crazy anger I sometimes get usually comes from some unresolved issue in my life.  Then  there are times where I never figure out what caused it.   I don't know you age, but it can also be hormones causing emotional feelings.

Dealing with this diagnosis of yours and feeling frustrated about the advice you are getting could surely be a  cause for some anger and anxiety.  I'm not a professional so I don't want to try to "diagnose" you.   I do know that when we are trying to change a behavior we can have some anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, you name it.   If you are trying to "distract" yourself from a behavior that is part of your diagnosis I could see that causing you to be overly emotional.   You may not want to try medication, but have you tried yoga or meditation?  Physical exercise can help relieve stress.   Maybe take a long walk, ride a bike, dance, whatever you enjoy.   Work up a sweat and let some of that stuff just flow out of your system.  Maybe drink some green tea or Chai tea.  

Give yourself a stress break, a bubble bath, read a book, listen to some soothing music.   Maybe go to the movies and just escape for a couple of hours.  

You are a strong person.  You are taking the steps necessary to find a way to recovery and that is a huge step that requires a strong person.   I know that you can do this.  You just have to believe in yourself. 

Give yourself a big hug today and keep posting as often as you need to.   If journaling here is helpful for you then journal away.  Writing helps me in times of stress and frustration.   I can understand how putting it on the page here can be a help to you.

Just keep pushing through a minute at a time if that's what it takes.   You are going to make it through this.  I believe in you!!

((((HUGS))))  Laugh n

March 31, 2011
6:55 am
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curious64
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Just wanted to stop by today and leave you some encouragement and a big hug.   (((((((((HUG))))))))

I hope you are feeling better.   You are awesome and you are going to make it through this.  Just think of the life you are walking towards.   It is going to be better than you can imagine!!

March 31, 2011
8:09 am
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razor
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Hi TroubledXYZ,

I just read this thread today and I must say I can remember feeling a lot of the things you are talking about. I never had plans to kill myself but I often thought whats the use? I agree with Curious that sometimes the right meds can really do the trick. I know a lot of people think that is the easy way out but I say if it works...GOOD!! Better living through prayer and medication haha...my small attempt at humor.

 

You were talking about anger...I know for me I was very angry and bitter and I discovered that fear was at the root of most of my anger... Fear of losing the one  I loved..fear of being left alone...whatever...it was easier for me to be angry than to feel fear or sadness because I felt I could control the anger ...I felt it I let myself feel as sad as I wanted to I would die....and anger seems to be a  more powerful emotion. Growing up in my household the person who was the angriest had the most power, and I really don't want to be the weak one.

 

I used to get angry at the advice I was given... gratitude list, doing things for myself etc. I thought I needed something heavy duty and that seemed silly to me but it really seemed to help me.

I started going to alanon because all the books I read said to find a self help group where you could talk face to face with actual people. I live in a small town and alanon or AA was the only groups I knew about... One of the best things I ever did for myself even though it was a few months before I would say anything. I knew I needed thearpy but could not afford itSmile

 

I think it was a very positive step to start writing. I should do more of that myself.

March 31, 2011
11:47 am
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Hey all,

Troubled, I'm not glad you're feeling so distraught but it was good to read this post.  I feel like I'm at a standstill and the world is going on around me.  I know I need to step into the game more but I'm super sensitive at this moment.  I also can't afford a therapist so I'm stepping over to some Al-Anon meetings.  It helps me to read your post because I can recognize some of the things you're talking about and I feel not so alone.  I applaud you for going to a counselor and persevering even when it isn't feeling great.

Troubled,  have you discovered a way to stop and ask yourself about the anger?  Sometimes I just ask myself that question. 

Razor, I also learned that anger was the tool of the powerful one in our household.  Anger became a way to voice my frustration - also back to feelings of not being listened to or acknowledged.  A lot of times I would direct the anger inward because I'm a handy target.

March 31, 2011
1:42 pm
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razor
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Hi Ladies,

I have heard this many times and you probably have too...Anger turned inward is depression!!!!

April 1, 2011
4:59 am
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TroubledXYZ
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Thank you for taking the time to post to me ladies. You each have shared something that has helped me!

Curious - your post made me cry because I felt touched. It came at a perfect time. Yesterday I woke more sad than angry. I am missing an "old" therapist. I'm having a really hard time letting go. But then some things happened right after I got to work (I wasnt being treated right) and it was instant anger. Then later I came here and read your post. And I have to say, it helped me let some of that anger go.

 

Razor - I'm not sure I'm ready to try the medication root again so soon, but its been on my mind a lot. I'm going to mention it to my therapist next week. But what I went throught while trying find the right combination for me was absolutely horrible. I was kinda psychotic while on them. I was losing cognitive ability. I couldnt concentrate or function very well and I still was having anxiety and depression. Nothing was working.

     What you said about anger (and sadness) is interesting.

 

Lanigirl - I'm glad I could make someone feel not so alone. Thats how I feel too. And if you dont feel so alone, then that means Im not so alone either - so now you helped me. 🙂 Yes, I have stopped to ask myself about the anger. I guess if I really think about it, I can figure it out. I guess im not as clueless as I thought I was. Maybe the problem is that I dont want to feel the anger but I dont know how to make it go away.

 

I am angry that my therapist and this Dr.F arent taking me seriously. That they feel that distraction is going to solve the problem. I agree that distraction has its place, but then what? I want to work on the issues that caused the behavior in the first place and my therapist says they arent important. They are significant life events - they ARE important. They made me who I am today. But then again, you cant change the past. you can only change the present and Im trying to accept that idea. I guess, I wanted my therapist to acknowledge the bad things that have happened to me. I dont feel like she understands how deep the pain is and that makes me angry. I dont feel connected to her. But maybe I havent seen her enough times yet. I feel misunderstood by everyone.

 

Ladies, I wish I could share with you my diagnosis. It would proabably help you in knowing what to say. But I'm too scared to share it right now. There is an addictive quality to it in that the dysfunctional behavior has been repeated over and over and over throughout my life. But it is not a problem like being addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or things like that. Maybe someday I will have the courage to say what it is. But not today. I think the day I say it will be a real breakthrough.

 

I hope each of you know how much I appreciate that you took the time to share your thoughts and feelings with me.

Thank You!!

Troubled

April 1, 2011
5:05 am
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TroubledXYZ
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I think I should add something .....I have not engaged in this dysfunctional behavior since mid February. This is the first time in my life I am not using that behavior. I'm trying to learn how to live without it. (sort of like the alcoholic trying to stay sober). So its been over 30 days for me.

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