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Understanding codependency
June 20, 2009
10:20 am
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katster
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Have had much happen in the last 12 months, mom passes, lost job, and got in a hugh fight w/SO of 10 years and he bolted. However, he still keeps in touch, about every couple of weeks over the past 10 months. Emotionally I'm drained. He just want's to keep me at arms length. He has commitment issues, and now this he's into malemanopause. He's seeing someone else at the moment, but wants to remain friends w/ me which I finally put up boundries and said no. we fought alot, really he fighting with me, I think that we were both codependents him more than I, I want to get healthy again. by him keeping in contact with me instead of just walking away is this part of codependency on his part. I have not been the one who has initiated most of the calls, He always is checking in. I finally wrote a letter telling him not to call me, he'll find a stupid reason to call me. I've stopped answering the phone, since he's seeing someone else, knowing how I still feel, is it control, ego, codependent or all of the about...Emotionally I'm a wreck for a week after I talk to him. Why does he insist on keeping me at arms length, dating someone, doesn't want to work out our issues, I trying to understand...can anyone shed any light on this type of behavior?

June 20, 2009
11:06 am
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atalose
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There is a saying……..its’ time to put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror.

Instead of wondering and asking why he is still calling you……you should be asking yourself “Why am I still taking some of the calls”.

It’s obvious he is not interested in what you “used” to have together, he’s moved on so maybe it’s time you did too.

10 years is a long time to spend with anyone, perhaps he feels quilt or some kind of responsibility towards you and that is why he continues to keep in touch from an arms length. But none of that really matters, none of the why’s or how comes the only thing that should matter is YOU and why you are struggling letting go and moving on.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 20, 2009
12:54 pm
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katster
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I hear what you are telling me and yes I've been struggling with this, this has been a very tuff year for me, and I did let go of the situation until he started to reappear, taking me out to dinner, helping me around the house, etc..I didn't know about the other person for 5 months, during which time he continued to contact me. Thanks for the response and yes I do know what I have to do....

June 21, 2009
12:34 am
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atalose
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Ya that stinks about the other person, very hurtful and I am sorry you had to go through that experience as well as everything else you’ve been through this past year.

Try sticking around here for a bit, it’s very helpful and there are a lot of people on here letting go of someone in order to gain something better………

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 21, 2009
4:38 pm
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katster
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Thanks for understanding..my first msg didn't give all the details, in fact I broke up with him orginally. I had had enough. then w/ the job market the way it is, everything just escalated. I'm normally a very strong person, but this has just kicked me in the butt...Even after he told me about this "other person" he wanted to remain friends...I told him after a week that wouldn't work, told him not to call me. A few days after that he called me to borrow a suitcase for his trip back to Chicago. I lost it! Told him I'm not good enought to work on the relationship - but good enough to borrow stuff from. I wouldn't put it pass him to call me this week for a ride to the airport. Needlesstosay I think you know what I'll say to that, but there will be no converstion on the subject since I won't be answering the phone. He's one sick person, I know I have work to do on me,,but he's being very hurtful, and I can't understand why. your in another relationship then leave me alone....all my family says that he's waiting till I get a job then he'll resurface...I don't think soooo!

June 21, 2009
5:10 pm
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atalose
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Sounds like your family has a good idea as to his character and exactly what kind of a person he is.

I think toxic people do tend to resurface, but don’t sit around counting on it or anticipating when, just prepare your self for if it does happen. And it does appear you are already doing that by not answering your phone.

Keep reminding yourself that 10 years is along time to spend with someone so moving on isn’t going to happen as quickly as I’m sure you’d like. Allow yourself the time to process all this, not only the journey of your relationship which no doubt were filled with great times but the ending of that journey as well. Once we are away from a person for a period of time it’s natural to constantly remember the good times forgetting the bad and why we left. We begin to doubt our own decision and often think about going back, that’s all natural too part of the process. The key is to NOT act on any of those longing type feelings.

Keep posting, it really does help with moving on.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 22, 2009
11:39 am
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katster
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You know that's the sad thing about this, even now I really don't remember the fully good parts of the relationship. He is very insecure, alot of baggage from the past he hasn't dealt with, To be honest with you I always felt that he took his frustrations out about his ex on me. my problem is and that's why I original wrote, is that I feel I can fix him. I know I can't because he doesnt' want to be fixed...This guy is pretty sick, He has to be if he continues to keep intouch..I feel that he is punishing me for breaking up with him eventhough he sabotaged the relationship for the past two years and also he wants to make me jealous. He's on a hugh ego trip right now. I made quite a bit more money that he did, so now that I'm down, it gives him the opportunity to tell me what I did wrong and how right he's been. anyways - I'm just working through this feeling that I can fix him..I know I can't that's what I seem to be keep holding onto. In our last conversation, he still want's to be "supportive of Me" since I told him not to call me, he won't unless I open that door which I'm not..I also wonder to what I did wrong and I know that I didn't do anything wrong, he has fears of commitment. And I'm seeing to that he's very shallow. so that is what I'm dealing with right now. Yes, I need to work on healing. he hurt me very bad, I was cut very deep.
Thanks for listening.

June 22, 2009
2:00 pm
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atalose
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Another think you can keep reminding yourself of, is you are not a professionally trained psychologist or psychiatrist. You don’t have the proper training to help this person.

If mere love, patience and understanding were all anyone needed to fix or repair another person no one would ever need more.

I have found that my ego is what has made me think I could ever possible change another person. My ill thinking about love and how I was the only one who could ever possible understand him.

His problems are his problem’s they were there before you and will remain long after. You are not his cure keep reminding your self of that.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 22, 2009
7:51 pm
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katster
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You are right with this and that is what I have to keep reinforcing to myself. Yes, it is my ill thinking. When we orginally broke up had just had it with him. I said some pretty telling things I said the I would do anything to work on this, but HE must go see a counselor and I would go too. That didn't go over very well and he has brought this up several times when we have spoke..I know that he realizes he has these issues, but it's easier to move onto another and place blame than to confront ones issues. That is not mine to take on, I tried and look where it got me.
That's why I'm working on this and learning how to let go. It just so much easier to blame others than to look at yourself. He's been enabled all his life, everyone knows him, but all they say is "Well that's him"
You'd think that after 3 major long-term relationship that he'd figure out. Maybe this one he is in now will work. All I know is that it's not healthly for me. And really that is the only one I care about right now. He has handled this so badly that I'm not sure if it can ever be repaired. That like I said before, he told me that I'm the only ex that he ever wanted to remain friends with, He just assumed that I would go along with that. It just all about him...10 years is a long time, it's like a divorce. since we didn't live together, his only comment is "you can't hurt me because we didn't co-mingle money"
What ever! He's just way to sick for me. It's too bad, because overall our relationship really was pretty good. I know I said that I didn't remember the good times, but we wouldn't have been together that long if there wasn't some good. My son at 26 is more emotional stable than he is at 51.

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