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undecided
December 17, 1999
1:25 pm
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lamia
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im doing this fr the first time and im not sure where im coming from exactly but wat i do know is that no matter what i do and no matter where i am nothing seems right so please if any of u know wat it feels like ...i would be looking forward to wat u have to say.

Undecided…..

I don't understand why people hurt what they claim to be precious, more then anything else. They seem to lack reason for all, it's a sad fact of life, so is it putting up an act when they smile at you are those sweet talks made out of pretence. Who am I to trust? We all are captives of the same bedlam, chained down unable to practice free will. You may call it cruelty of life, bad luck or sheer fate and who knows where it takes us for those who think have had enough just might be the ones to walk yet more painful paths.

Why such harsh submissions, such demeaning acts where does one go from there…it's a never-ending path that we all have chosen but the choice was never really there. Life …doesn't amaze me more than myself maybe because I'm as much a part of it as it is, of me.

I see an endless line of windows reaching in all directions but that which I seek most. Endless links to eternal bliss seem blocked by crude stains of time, which only ticks with its unwavering pace and bends only to its taste, to me, a grimy doze of life…as my eyes see it. The queue remains undisturbed, no one dares to question its grounds or weigh how heavy it falls on the scale that reads LIFE, a blinding swirl.

There's feeling of contempt, the lump in my throat serves as a constant reminder, making now impossible and yesterday even more painful. If only I could erase the past, if only I could smile miss misery off…if only I could. What lay if front of me was fallacy on my part because I denied all truthful possibilities and now that I play this reel before my eyes, they trickle in moist pearls.

I just sit here and talk with a fool's tone, wanting more gaining less… thinking there could be a better way to sum up the tragedy that subverted into bits a pieces but never touched the ground. What do you want from me, you the one who walks by noting every move I make, you who hasn't the sense to tell that I live today, you the one who meant the world to me, yes you? I don't know how to answer that but my mind knows how to question its grounds and so I question.

December 23, 1999
9:08 am
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hsuzie
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I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling.. I do not understand why things happen.. terrible things.. painful.. but the unfortunate fact is that they do.. and some pay the price.. like those who post in forums such as this.. . please though, keep talking.. talking helps keep us on the path to healing.. believe me, i know.. and know youhave a friend here.. when you need to vent..

Be gentle to yourself..
hsuzie

December 23, 1999
12:35 pm
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Angelwings
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Dear Lamia
It sounds as if you have suffered and are suffering. I just want to gently remind you that you CAN erase the past, you do not have to let it lead or dictate your current life just because the patterns of suffering are so ingrained within your soul.
YOu also have the power to co create your life and do not have to lead the life of a victim. You DO have a choice, you are not at the mercy of others....
keep talking blessed one.

December 23, 1999
4:50 pm
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Cici
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For me, things went wrong in my life because I made certain choices. These choices weren't out of my hands...they were fully under my control. They were a manifestation of internal conflict. Once I addressed my internal strife, everything suddenly fell into place. Or rather, comfortably out of place, like pearls off a string.

December 24, 1999
6:51 am
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lamia
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First of all I would like to thank all 3 of you hsuzie, angelwings and cici, thank you fr your replies . i had lost hope to gain any response what so ever thinking this was just another dead end.

Sometimes it feels like I myself am the cause of this clot blocking every sense of fun and euphoria that other people my age are a part of all the time.... being 18 was never an issue for the world but certainly is for me i really am lost. Its not like iv never felt happiness specially according to other peoples standards who seem overlook my insanity for it to be valid enough but its like iv never known it then what good is it. The past few days have been the perfect hellhole and I just don't know how to make myself snap out of this momentary dejectedness. I also go into these phases when sadness is nowhere near instead there's a feeling of being dim-witted as if I'm silly I don't know I'm just confused about my own existence.

hoping to hear more from all of you.

January 3, 2000
12:35 pm
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site coordinator
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lamia,

some of what's going on sounds related to "Negative Self-Talk".

Ever heard of it before?

For a brief warm-up to what I mean, visit:

http://www.allaboutcounseling......esteem.htm

It's the constant beating up of ourselves, or spiralling thought patterns.

- SC

January 3, 2000
1:46 pm
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Cici
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I remember how I felt when I was 18...I was pretty much subject to the same awful feelings that you describe above, lamia. I didn't know who to turn to or where to go...I just thought that going someplace would help me.

I guess I achieved a weebly-wobley state of acceptance of my life because I realized that there was something about myself I didn't like. That manifested itself in my expression of myself to others, my feelings about life in general, my realtionships...it basically dragged everything down. I hated myself and I didn't know it. It contributed to a horrible sense of depression, hopelessness...I became reckless with my own life and that of others.

I mean, althogh I don't know the specifics of your life, I know what you're feeling. I just acted out of similar feelings and the end result was not pretty. This feeling definately merits some serious self-contemplation. the positive kind.

January 3, 2000
10:25 pm
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hsuzie
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site coordinator~

thank you for posting that i have not looked at it yet, but certainly plan too.. negative talk is a serious issue with me.. and i have been working at changing that.. but it is not easy.. and i have made little progress..

January 5, 2000
8:26 am
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lamia
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site coordinator,
i did check that out , thnx.

Where do you start from ??
I guess i do have a tendency to overwhelm myself with bitter thoughts that start from me and end up right there ....this negativity seems restricted only to me. so how do i even begin to overcome this present state ?

January 5, 2000
8:30 am
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lamia
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site coordinator,
i did check that out, thnx.

Where do i start from??
I know i have a tendency to overwhelm myself with bitter thoughts that seem restricted only to me. so how do i even begin to overcome this present state ?

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