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2:08 pm
September 30, 2010
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OK, so I've been doing a lot of reading on this site and some others and have come to the conclusion that I am codependent. REALLY not very happy about that conclusion, but there it is.
I need to start by saying I don't think was abused as a kid,but there has been a significant amount as an adult. Sadly enough, where most of the abuse (all verbal and emotional)it was with really, really close friends. The longest relationship was with a man I loved, but wasn't physically involved with most of the time. A lot of the rest actually came from his girlfriend who WAS a longtime friend.
My confusion is this, and maybe some of you can help...I am away from it now. I am in a really great family and group of friends where there is a lot of nurturing and support for about a year now. Now that I'm in a safe place, now is when it comes back to haunt me. Specifically in regards to how I look at myself. I have a really hard time taking compliments from anyone even though I've lost about 70 lbs. I started seeing a counselor, but we've only just started and I'm trying to be proactive and do some things/research on my own.
I am open to suggestions.
Thanks all!
Lilliam
2:49 pm
September 29, 2010
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Hi Lilliam, I'm glad you are in a safe and nurturing environment. I heard somewhere that our dregs can only surface in the face of love. I take that to mean that when we feel loved unconditionally, there is no more need to try and keep up appearances and our real selves show up in full force. So this is a great time to heal all those wounds of abuse from your friends and more importantly learn more about why you were able to allow your friends treat you that way so that you never allow anyone else to do this again. It's so good that you are in counselling and reading up on things. I think that you shouldn't feel bad about learning about a codependent because it's not a life sentence and having this knowledge gives you a place to start to learn more about yourself. I send you lots of healing energy:)
3:11 pm
September 30, 2010
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Thanks, Fantas. I appreciate your support.
I kind of just figured this out Monday, so I'm still a little freaked out.
The good news is the main causes of the issue are gone. I ticked M. (the guy) off in March because I missed his voicemail that he was going to be in town and I should meet him to "hang out." Or he was going to have to hang out with his former in-laws. Since he doesn't need anything else, I haven't heard from him. Not a big loss.
The down side is that he has a beautiful five year old daughter whom I love as my own. HER I am not going to get to see again. And that breaks my heart wide open. But that's another long story.
Kind of my moment of truth was when I was getting ready for work and kind of liked how the hair and makeup were going that day, but couldn't tell myself I looked pretty. The closest I got was that I looked like my sister/(who by the way is GEORGEOUS!)
On the more superficial side, sadly enough, some of my self-esteem issues I fear are coming about because I'm finding white hairs. It sounds really, really stupid and vapid. It reminds me of all the time I've wasted, though on bad relationships and mourning people who didn't deserve it.
I'll get there I guess. I'm just struggling with the whole thing this week.
Thanks again, though. I am really enjoying reading on this community.
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