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Uncertain
October 8, 2003
10:54 am
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binvt
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I have recently divorced and was a codependent of my wife. I met a new woman at the end of my marriage, whom I fell in love with. I moved in with her and helped financially with her home, about a year. Since that time I was awarded my old residence and she has moved in with me. One of the problems is that she does not help financially. I know she has money problems, but she could resolve them if she would settle with her ex and sell her property. It seems even if she settles with her ex she intends to keep her property as a second home. If she does this she will have no funds to assist me with maintaining my property. I don't mind paying the bills until she settles, but I would have expectations of her helping out in the future. Being codependent I have found it difficult to discuss this with her, and as you may know I am getting somewhat frustrated with the situation.

I'm wondering if she is taking advantage of me? She never says much about not helping out financially. She does do some things around the house, I would say a shared housekeeping arrangement. The ironic twist is that in her previous twenty year relationship she was the sole supporter of an alcoholic partner. The roles seem to have reversed.

Any guidance out there?

October 8, 2003
11:08 am
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mj
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Hi binvt,
Homes represent security.

When I met my present husband...I owned my own home. My first home by myself. I loved my home. It was my safe place to be. Then when I started dating my now husband, we decided that we would sale both our homes and buy one together.

He wanted me to put my home up for sale first since it was very easy to sale, ocean view, 3 years old, and immaculate. His is an older home. It's like 1955 and is little and has seen his past 30 years and 2 other wifes. He recently refinanced it so he could consolidate his bills...He owes almost as much as its worth...more than I think it is worth.

Anyways, I broke my ankle 2 months into the marriage. He continued paying for his bills, and I had a little saved to keep my bills afloat.
I ended up borrowing 3200.oo from my sis just prior to its sale. I sold my home, paid back my debts and continued rehabilitation.

Because life is not perfect...I still live in his home....and now employed for aprox. 5 months....since my accident...have my separate checking account....and know that he would be real happy if I'd just give him the little bit of security I have left.

I am not willing to. I hate his home and what it represents in our relationship. What was supposedly a short-term arrangement has turned into 2 years. It isn't his fault. Nor mine. But its not a good place for me.

Talk to her. Let her know how you feel. Sometimes we don't like our answers but....at least it is the reality.

October 8, 2003
11:18 am
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mj
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Oh...and today, we get our new stove delivered...the one I bought us for our anniversary.... No more cooking on burners that have minds of their own or ovens that don't know what temperature it is set at. I live in the dark ages.....no dishwasher or disposal....at least it has an inside toilet.

You probably catch my drift here.

Talk to her about whats troubling you. I do but....haven't found my answers yet.

October 8, 2003
12:41 pm
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gingerleigh
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I like the idea of selling both places and getting a new one together. Bad karma, previous partners in the home.

October 13, 2003
12:37 pm
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binvt
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Thanks mj and gingerleigh for your responses. The thing I failed to mention was that I have children. The reason I was pursuing my home was to allow the children to stay in the same town and attend the same school etc.
Since real estate has esculated in my area it would be difficult to find or duplicate what I have. Also, the children veiw it as their home, my friend also likes it.

October 13, 2003
12:55 pm
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Molly
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Communication communication communication..... Gotta have it. I really understand why she wants to keep the house, I let mine go, and am truly sorry. I understand why you want to keep yours, and resent the additional expenses. You need to spell out the reality of the situation, and create a budget. She needs to contribute, and will feel better about her self, and avoid becomming dependent, which is not good for the relationship either. Talk to her, and if you can't what did you really loose?

October 13, 2003
6:11 pm
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free
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binvt

sounds like your partner is relaxing- being the sole supporter was probably exhausting for her. It's not going to be easy to bring this up with her because you are probably afraid of the conflict that may arise. It might. Truth is, the conflict is already there, and she doesn't know about it. Try to remember that this is not fair to her. She has no way of easing YOUR stresses and relieving YOUR tension if she doesn't know it's there. Try something like this : "honey, I need to talk to you about our financial situation because I feel that things are not fair to me, and I don't ever want any kind of resentment to begin to build because that could tarnish what I cherish so deeply- our relationship. I need to be fair to you and communicate what I'm thinking and feeling right now- you deserve that being the wonderful woman you are." Hey, I think that's pretty good. (free's patting free on the back). What do you think?

free

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