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Unbelievably angry
May 26, 2005
10:23 pm
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just breathe
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Hi all,

I guess there is no better way to enter into this than with a feet first jump.

Tonight I let myself really scream in the car on the way home. I was so upset, and yet it was my own fault. I continually set myself up as a fool. Tonights episode was a real doozy.

I went by my husbands apartment (we are currently separated), to pick up the separation agreement that I have been begging to have signed so that I can get some financial aid.

He told me he had a business meeting and would need to be getting out of the house fairly quickly, so I figured he was off to drink and tried really hard to maintain all the things I have been learning about codependency.

Then, he expressed to me that it was really difficult for him, emotionally, to sign the agreement but he said that maybe now, things would be able to move in life again. That maybe from here we would have a chance to see each other anew.

I was so touched and shared with him (fool that I am) pieces of my own learning process. I asked him at the end of our short conversation if he could PLEASE try to be honest with me. That no matter how much his stuff hurt me to hear, the lies hurt far more than the truth.
He said he would try.

I took a drive around, found a place to sit and look over the agreement, and then went to make my way back home.

There he was, out on the patio of his favorite bar, with a date. Nothing of a business meeting at all.
I was so enraged that I pulled into the parking lot, and looked him straight in the eye. He waved. I just couldn't believe it. Not an hour ago he was telling me he would try to be honest! UGH!!! I really would have been better if he had said he had a date and needed to leave.

How is it that I can be so gullible?

Anyway, I am thinking that there is something in this that is going to help me heal.

I tried to keep it together when I got home, but my two daughters hammered me with questions about why I was upset. I did my best to explain without too many details why it hurts when people lie to each other, but I am not sure I did a great job. I'm also sure I said a few words too many about their fathers problems, but I don't want to pretend to them that he is a hero who comes in and hangs out with them occasionally.

I am really lost in how to balance that aspect.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I could really use some constructive input. I feel both infuriated and pathetic.

Just Breathe

May 26, 2005
10:31 pm
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Randomwomen2
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hunny you did the right thing he is the jerk he should have been honest with you and said that he was moving on. I think that would have hurt less. How long have you been seprated? And it is good for you to not be too open about this other relationship that he is having let him be the one to talk about it. How old are your children. Sorry i cant help much but i am always listening

May 26, 2005
10:37 pm
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InPainZHT
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Gullible?

No, HERE is gullible... Letting my girlfriend (at the time) make me leave her house (where she supposedly wanted me to live with her, had me move clothes and belongings in) at 10:30pm, 11:30pm and sometimes even later because HER ex wanted to come by (at that INSANE hour) and "see the children" (a 3 year old and 5 year old that were in bed for school the next day).

Come to find out she wanted him over so she could do crystal meth with him and have sex with him.

Damn, did my stupidity meter max out.

InPain

May 26, 2005
10:42 pm
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luv2luvher
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Separation??? There should be Divorce Papers Served To Him... I am sorry for your pain that you are undergoing, but for him to be going out still married, what an ignornant fool. And on top of that what example is he setting for his daughters... You have me angry now.. 🙂 God, I try to teach my son that a women (not just women, people in general) need to be treated with respect. You are being disrespected by him and you do not deserve that at all. I know how hard it must be on you, but you need to look at what your needs are and I can tell from your posting that he is not what you need. I am sorry if I am being blunt but being a man, it just angers me to see other men doing this to women... It gives men like me out there the bad rap and we really do care about the people in our lives. You stay strong and true to yourself and remember this forum is the best in the World Wide Web...

Much Luv,
Luv2LuvHer

May 26, 2005
10:44 pm
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Randomwomen2
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dont blame yourself for hur stupidity hun. All you wanted to do was to trust her.

May 26, 2005
10:44 pm
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lollipop3
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I'm going to (sheepishly) play devil's advocate here....

Is it possible that his business meeting was with a woman?

Probably not, but I figured I'd ask.

Lolli

May 26, 2005
10:53 pm
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just breathe
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My daughters are eight and nine (almost ten). He should be the one to talk to them about a lot of things, but they ask him questions, and he lies to them too.

It makes me crazy!

Our marriage was almost fourteen years long. We have been separated for a little under eighteen months.

I am no saint in the way our marriage ended, but I cannot stand the drinking, dope smoking and lying. I did my fair share of begging and pleading over the years to no avail of course.

Three years ago, I met a man who paid attention to me. It led to me asking my husband if we could open up our marriage. He thought that was a great idea until this man and I got close.
Then he decided we should not see other people.

Well, by this time, I was insanely enjoying being attended to. I was addicted to the attention. It was like rain on desert soil, so I didn't stop.

My husband tried to stick it out, but he left in February 04. It was understandable.

In the last year and a half, I have sought counseling.He has not.

Instead, he has continued to drink and smoke pot. It is his thing, but he is nearing forty and living the college life. The kids don't like sleeping over at his apartment so he visits them here when it suits him.

Our biggest fight around them is that he thinks they should be allowed to be integrated more into his life (as in it is okay to take them to parties where dope is being smoked cause other people do). I don't agree.

They are actually better about all of this than I am. They have said that they are happier now and that seeing daddy once or twice a week is plenty.

Oh well, I am really pouring now! Maybe I should heed my nickname. Thanks for listening.

Just Breathe

May 26, 2005
10:57 pm
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Randomwomen2
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if he is going to keep this life style i dont blame you for not wanting you kids to be around that i know that my mother has that kind of life style and it was hell for me. Just stand your ground hun. We are always listening

May 26, 2005
11:01 pm
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just breathe
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And I thank you for listening. There are days I handle it better than today. It is tough sometimes.

I want my daughters to grow up to trust their partners. I just know I cannot set the example there.

Just breathe

May 26, 2005
11:02 pm
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luv2luvher
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Just Breathe,

I am learning that it is easier and healthier to forgive the people that hurt me. I know in my life I too have made many mistakes, but I chose not to sit back and place blame here nor there. If an agreement was made for an open relationship then he is just as much to blame. Also, his open relationship, as you put it was with abusing drugs/alcohol. I am combating a brother that is hooked on Myth and am beside myself, but realize that a person doing them will not give them up til they admit they have a problem and seek the help they need. You have taken the steps to better your life, and being from a family broken by cheating and a wife that left me do to cheating, I don't blame you for finding the comfort in the arms of another man. I do however think you should have just left the man you find that makes you and your daughters miserable and continued where you are most happy. You have to find yourself and the needs that make you happy inorder to even begin to keep a relationship together. Now that you and your daughters are together you need to stay strong and show them how it is done to move on and pick up your broken heart and live life like it was meant to be> HAPPY. So grab that smile put it on and let the world shine.

Much Luv,
Luv2LuvHer

May 26, 2005
11:11 pm
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just breathe
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Thank you for those kind words Luv2Luv. What you are saying is exactly what I have been telling myself over some time now.

In general, I am getting better at focusing my attention on what makes me and my daughters happy. I don't want to blame anyone. I know in my heart that everything that has hurt me, I have allowed. There is no way I am going to make the mistake of saying he has that kind of power over me. It is just really infuriating to me to be so foolish as to believe him when he says stuff like that. I don't know why I want to love him so much!

I guess what I really want is to find someone who is honest and secure in giving and receiving love. I miss adult interaction. And, quite honestly, I am jealous as all get-out that he has NO responsibilities outside of child support. It makes dating really tough when you are a single parent.

Ah, now here is a question worth posing here... where does a person go to meet other people other than bars (I know I don't want to jump into anything with another drinker).

Just breathe

May 26, 2005
11:29 pm
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exoticflower
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breathe,

I felt so much pain for you reading this. You are being wronged, and I know it leaves you feeling helpless. My ex [artner was the same, and it still hurts every day. It's ok that it hurt, of course it does, but remind yourself every time that you are angry or about to behave the way his behavior makes you--he is a lier, a deceitful manipulator and self glorifier--he does not deserve the power to control your actions, and wnts to only for his own purpouses 'see? see what drove me to it'. This sort of treatment of another is a disease of its own, he is emotionally stunted and likely completely incabable now of being a good partner. We should pitty the sick that don't know, that are in denial of their sickness. But we should also stay away, we know how easy it is for us to get what they got, and our minds and bodies DO know it is a sickness, and do not deal with it as casually.

I am so sorry to sound fanatacle here, but his treatment of you is vicious and mercilous in waving, as well as pathetic in its ignorance to your feelings. Such blatant self absorbtion, you do not need that, you do not deserve that. Work on forgiveness if you think it will help, and I do not doubt it will, but first remind yourself please that this man is poison right now, and twice as harmful because he is in denial of it, cannot be responsible with his illness, and it is YOU who will suffer from it. Your mistakes are your own, and you are taking responsability to heal from them and correct what in you has brought you to that point. You are on a path he has no interest in, he blatantly lied to you, made himself out to be the good guy. Forgive him his sickness, forgive him what it has made him do, great. But please, please do not forget. And do not forgive in a bury the bone way, forgive in your own time, in your own space.

I am so sorry this has happened. I wish you so much strenght, I really feel those wounds from my own life 100 percent after reading your post, I hate to think of some one feeling that way. Be good to yourself, do not beat yourself up, and please, be very careful with this man, he sounds so beyond communicating on any real level with right now, and healing is a fragil thing. Please be careful with yourself.

May 26, 2005
11:33 pm
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luv2luvher
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Just Breathe,

I completely understand. One single parent to another, I have an eight year old boy. I have yet to find a place to meet singles besides a bar seen. Plus, me being shy , a bar seen does me no good. I started to go to church hopen the interaction I would meet someone. Not set on it but hopen. They have a singles night on the first wednesday of the month and singles get together and listen to bible study and then mingle with one another. I posted a thread, I believe it was called "where to meet people other then Cyber Space". Some good ideas, I found out here in the part of texas I live they have a First Sunday of every month Movie showing for free. They show classic movies at a I believe college aditurium.. I thought it would be good just to go and get out there. As much as I hate hearing it but we don't need to look for the person we will find them when the time is right, but first we must put ourselves in the position to meet that person. Also, I thought about hitting the local musems. I love art and paintings of all kinds. I found out there are several exhibts that I find stimulating. Check your local events through your city and they do quite abit that you could get into as well as including your daughters. I hope this helps, cause I to am still coming out of a 4 year relationship and it is very difficult. It has almost been 1 year. Please keep posting this site has done me wonders.

Much Luv,
Luv2LuvHer

May 26, 2005
11:48 pm
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just breathe
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Oh believe me exotic, that is what I was screaming on the way home in the car.

At the top of my lungs I was using profanity and trying to promise myself that I would not let it happen like this again. I only wish I had had more miles to cover. I was really getting into it (my throat is a little sore now ;-))

Truth is, at the moment I want my anger to stay reved up because it is the only way I seem to be able to protect myself. I am so good at forgiving and letting go.

I know that I have some evil feelings too, like not wanting him to get off easily. But really I just wish he would wake up.

I also realize that I am terrified that I will never meet anyone else.

Right now I am trying to get in touch with me. I am trying to take little tiny steps and feel my way through to wholeness.

I am so grateful to all of you for listening and responding.

Just breathe

May 27, 2005
12:05 am
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exoticflower
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It is wonderful for you to hope that he will wake up, I feel the same way about my ex...and it is harder than I can say some days, but I feel best standing at a safe distance and praying as well as I know how, and hoping to lead by example.

Sweetie, don't worry about anyone else right now. There is time for that. First, worry about letting yourself be someone you would want to be with...and you sound pretty good to start with.

Sorry to fan your anger flames there, just a personal note with me, I guess.

Maybe try a little tea with honey in it? good for the soul and the scream-burned throat...

((((((breathe)))))

May 27, 2005
8:26 am
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feelingused
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Just Breathe

I goota tell ya girl,,,, Atleast you were able to "see" it with your own eyes... I know it was hurtful BUT,, theres NO denying it from him.

I wish I could "see" for my own eyes, besides wondering, or not believing it from others of what my man is doing behind my back. He denies it all the time. If I could see it, I would than believe it and be DONE right at that moment!!!

Put on a smile, lift your shoulders up and go out on the town with some friends!!

I too scream in the car alone!! It does help at the moment! Good luck, keep us intouch. Things they say get better! I'm still working on it!!

May 27, 2005
8:46 am
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saralynn
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Just Breathe - G'morning! I just wanted to post and say thanks for sharing your screams, hurts, questions, etc. with us - I've only recently started posting on this site, and have already been so blessed and encouraged. As I was reading your story - I thought of the thread, "what was your breaking point?" Maybe like feeling used said, being able to "see it with your own eyes" could be a blessing in disquise. Maybe it was what was needed to reach your breaking point and begin the process of breaking away. You are on the right path for you and your girls - GO GIRL! We are all standing by you in cyberspace *grin* ~saralynn

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