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unbelievable brother in law
March 25, 2008
3:30 am
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loverbee
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My bro in law wrote me this morning with a very angry out of the blue email about my political opinions which was totally instigated entirely by him and I have no idea why he did it. But he has been bullying me so much all day and called me stupid and a sheep and all. The funny thing is that I never disagreed with him he is just nuts. Now he tried to tell me that my sister "just tolerated me because we are sisters" and that is the last straw. I put up with him because he never interfered with my relationship with my sister but now he is and I am not sure how to handle this.I have already set so many boundaries and I am afraid I am going to have to make some really tough decisions.

March 25, 2008
4:14 am
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Linda Linda
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Oh man sounds like deja vu.

My brother in law bullied the kids the sister and then went to me. I didn't have proof he bullied the family until Sixteen years later when she left him.
But I looked like the crazy one when I decided never to see them again.

I kept questioning my gut feeling.

She wants to stay with him that was her business. But I wasn't going to heal my life by being around the same dysfunctional Spirit we grew up with.

March 25, 2008
10:36 am
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loverbee
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ok, well here is how it started. He ended up having a conversation with someone about partial birth abortion and then proceeded to call me stupid in an email where he said he had been told I believe in it. Then I proceeded to tell him that actually we had the same opinions. Then he kept at it until by the third email I was defending something I didn't believe in because he couldn't stop badgering me about it. I ended up saying that I thought he was in some kind of craze and that he needed to stop. He then proceeded to call me a sheep and tell me I had no intelligent opinions of my own and I stayed up till five in the morning thinking about this because the trouble is I am going to see him in about a week and visit my sis too and I don't want this to be a situation where we can't stand eachother and are angry. especially around the baby

March 25, 2008
11:49 am
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on my way
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I thought as you once did about my bro-in-law, truthfully.

I decided to look at what was true sbout what he said, which meant taking a more humble attitude (which was difficult, because I was so angry at him)and saw ome truth in what he said. Had to look beyond his anger, which I was not responsible for. I know that it will make you feel better for people to say to you, "Oh what a s**t-head your bro-n-law is"...but restored relationships are just as important.

Hope this helps, it is just perhaps another way you can choose to look at the situation. I know it hurts to be in a family brawl. Once I looked I could let go.

March 25, 2008
5:09 pm
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Linda Linda
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First of all he called you stupid.
Then he called you a sheep.
Then he called you unintelligent

He owes you an apology.

That never, no matter what the subject matter, to never undermine you or your relationship to your sister again.

He is out of line. And unless he sees that and is of sound mind and is not to here to compete with you or to put you in your place. You are not here to be put in your place.

YOu have to risk in order for your heart to live.

He was out of line and Undermining. This is the destruction of health.

Even let's say you are completely wrong and ignorant on the subject matter. The place in which he spoke is of Hate and Resentment and Victimizing.
End the cycle

March 25, 2008
6:43 pm
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loverbee
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Well, I called my sister and said I have never had a problem with him totally because I can turn it off and just ignore him but that he now interfered with my relationship with my sister. I told her if this was acceptable to her than we didn't have anything to talk about. She made her husband get on the phone and apologize and I told her he needs to stop bullying me or she just won't see me anymore. So he said for the first time that he would stop. But I am hoping he keeps his word

March 25, 2008
6:50 pm
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luvmnms
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well, it sounds like you have set the boundry...now you just have to stick to it. are you ready to deal with the circumstances if he doesn't keep his word.

while boundries are a great thing to have, they are often the most difficult thing to keep. this has been the hardest lesson i have learned in my life, but once i got it, it has made my life so much easier and happier. you have to realize that you are not responsible for others feelings and you do not have to tolerate bad behavior.

best of luck to you!!

March 25, 2008
8:42 pm
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loverbee
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Thankyou. It angers me that my sister has ended up with someone just as abusive as our father but I understand that ultimately that is how it happens more often than not. I was lucky that my relationships have only gotten healthier as I have gotten older so it just doesn't make any sense to me but I am trying to not take on her husband as my own problem

March 26, 2008
11:59 pm
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loverbee
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Finally decided to take a different approach after talking with my therapist and I wrote my BIL an email telling him very nicely but assertively that when he is mean, he makes me feel worthless and unloved and that growing up with an abusive father, he really kicks up some issues. He then apologized profusely and told me he never intended to make me feel that way and that he would really try to work on his temper so I think I made a huge amount of progress.

March 27, 2008
12:42 am
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MsGuided
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Hi loverbee
maybe he is abusing her to the point of isolating her from everyone who cares for her.
His treatment of you exhibits this.
My x did this to some of my friends. He would berate and insult the vulnerable ones, tell lies about me to the strong ones.
If he is isolating her, then don't take this out on her by abandoning her.
She needs someone close to support her and keep her connected to the world.(if this is the case)
especially with a child on the way.
Please consider this if i am correct.

Consider this if he steps back into insulting behaviour with you.

It's great that you stuck up for yourself! WTG!

Linda Linda..My BIL was the same with my sister and his son.He favoured his daughter tho. He was emotionally abusive to them, kind to me, then my sister was jealous, and mean to me, she had so much resentment towards me, and was in denial of his abuse. Always acting like everything was ok...I also stayed away from them all after a few years of this but I wouldn't have if SHE didn't reject me.
Now after 22 years with him, she is dead.Died of terminal cancer last month.... I saw this illness start at least 3 years ago ( she looked bloated and really off balance physically) but she was so messed up, it was no use talking to her. I beleive all the suffering, and her self abuse caused it. Now we are all dealing with this result...and I really resent BIL.

NOW he is collecting her pension, savings, insurance, has the house ( she worked hard all her life fulltime and did ALL the housework, and child rearing).BASTARD!.and he speaks of moving to Florida !!??
He had cancer before her but is in remission....We'll just have to see how this happening is going to settle in his conscience and health!
AAAAAAHHHHH!
Wow.it shocked me when you revealed your similar situation....connected!HA!

Be WelL!

March 27, 2008
2:04 am
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Linda Linda
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I am so sorry for your loss Ms Guided. It breaks my heart to hear that. I know exactly what you feel. Exactly. Powerless. Completely powerless.
I could have broken his knees. I could have called the cops.
But i didn't. I was too weak back then. I had to save myself. And even if I did the victim always returns to the abuser when it is not them who call.

I am not going to say what I want to say because if I say it then it will be for everyone to see and if I say it then I will be sucked into the abyss but I must say it.

My brother in law stole my sister's life.

He had nothing when he met her. Just money and an idea what a woman should be.

He stole her life In every way. Like he picked her apart until she was just a carcass.

I don't know if he was conscious of it or if it is just the subconscious or if it was the Id or if it was the ego or if it was the mortal soul or if it was the evil twin within or whatever happened. He stole her humor her friends her life. Soon he was the guy with humor. Soon he had all the friends and she stayed locked in her room. Soon nobody was her friend. He moved her to the Richy Rich part of Irvine where she could not relate to anybody. She was an actress who was eccentric and artsy.

I know she relinquished her life for him. And that was her choice.

Slowly but surely she became the lowest her she could become. I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't say a thing. Just little e mails here and there. She even said to me. This is how much denial she was in but she said this to me.

I had a great childhood. My life is terrific. While she was taking anxiety medications because she was afraid of everything. WHile her child is thrown out of school for beating up the other kids.

After her husband beat the kids in front of me. I was speechless. After she went in and out of hospitals.

Even Doctors at DUKE University studies show if someone is around control and abuse it will affect the health.

Now she got out in the nick of time. And has begun healing. She now admits the abuses but very under her breath and now talks about our family abuses.

But she talks about it in a lets look at the bright side when she says it. Push it under the rug again.

I tell her we will see the bright side authentically if we talk about what is going on in our hearts in reality like now. Maybe there isn't a bright side right now until we talk about it. Let it out into the light.

She acts like a teenager now. Which is good for her. But all those years I struggled without a sister. And now she just wants me back without any acknowledgement of my feelings.

So tragic to hear your loss of your sister. What a waste. What a waste.

March 27, 2008
2:59 pm
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nappy
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If you is not living with this brother- in- law, then you shouldn't give a rat ass about what he calls you. Just be thankful that you are living with him, or even having to put up with him.

That is your sister problem. Your sister is letting her husband direct her life and there is nothing and I mean nothing that you can do about it.

And if it had to take your sister to tell him to get on the phone and say that he was "sorry" then I wouldn't even accept that because he didn't do it from the heart.

"I wrote my BIL an email telling him very nicely but assertively that when he is mean, he makes me feel worthless and unloved and that growing up with an abusive father, he really kicks up some issues."

I wouldn't have written anything to him because why do you think that he does what he does. He already know what type of father you had. Your sister somewhere in there relationship has spoken about it. He is not doing nothing but playing on your fears.

That is why it makes me angry that womens would ALLOW these mens to separated themselves from people that really cares about them. If your sister wants a relationship with you then she will have one with you, it is not her husband that is keeping her from not having that with you.

And it is not that your sister pick someone like your father, because if the father wasn't right, then that should of made her to have a better choice in picking who she wanted as a husband. Not like her father.
My father beated on my mother and I knew right then as a kid that this IS NOT what I want in a relationship and that if a man did hit me, I would in turn beat the hell out of him. So if I'm dating and I see any red flags on that part, then please he would have to go because I do let them know that if you think that you are going to lay a hand on me, you better start running now.

This brother in law would be out of sight, out of mind.

Nappy

March 27, 2008
3:19 pm
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readyforachange
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Two words....No Contact.

Do not speak to him in person or by telephone. Do not answer his emails, or even open them. Do not receive or send text messages to him. And, when you absolutely have to see him in person at family events, avoid him. He is married to your sister, but you do not have to have any contact with him. Choose to see your sister when he is not around. If he has to be there, avoid talking to him.

That's what I do with my brother in law, who is an idiot...but yours takes the cake!

March 27, 2008
3:26 pm
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frayedknot
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Loverbee,

I'm in agreement with the advice you received from your therapist. Sounds like you handled it quite well with your BIL. And, I agree that you made very good progress.. You stood up for yourself and let him know how his actions/words make you feel.

Keep your boundaries regarding this issue.. He might learn something from you...

It's better for you, your sister and BIL if you can all be cordial to each other.

Congratulations on the progress you made!!!!!

Frayed

March 27, 2008
5:25 pm
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loverbee
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YOu know, I think that to a certain degree the people on this site are very quick to just say "NO CONTACT" the minute I have a problem with people. It is my opinion that that is not always that helpful and in fact, just a way to run away. I understand that it works for some people but I don't think that anyone should be making anyone feel like they are doing something wrong if they don't have the NO CONTACT rule in place. My therapist agreed with me too. It doesn't work for me. I was not in an abusive relationship at all with my ex and people still told me no contact. Just kind of makes me wonder why that is the only advice some people can give. And yes, I think that addressing him maturely really helped. We have actually had some good conversations since then. So regardless of how angry people are at me for not having NO CONTACT, I think I am doing a good job. But if I ever need to do that I am strong enough to do so.

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