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May 29, 2007
12:20 am
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Meibatsu
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This is a rather long, convoluted story which I've never actually sat down and told anyone about before, so please bare with me.

To begin with, my childhood was relatively normal. It wasn't until I was 8 or 9 years old that my father began exhibiting symptoms of what would later be diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder. Up until the time I was 10, he was physically and emotionally violent towards my mother, and would occasionally take his rage out on either my younger sister or I. I remember one occasion in particular where he shoved me up against a wall and slowly twisted my arm up behind my back, threatening to break it for no real reason at all.

When I was 10, my mother threw him out of the house. For the next few years, he was put on a myriad of different medications for his psychiatric problems, and during this time my younger sister, brother, and I would visit him every other weekend.

When I was younger, my father would joke around with me by bending down to give me a kiss on the cheek or mouth and then suddenly lick me instead. It was all very playful, and often done in front of my mother, who had no problem with it. But on one of these weekends at my father's house, I was sitting on his bed watching a movie while my siblings watched TV out in the front room. My father entered and shut the door. Maybe he sat down to watch the TV with me, maybe we talked for a little while. I don't remember very well. I do remember when he leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek, and instead of carrying through with his old joke, he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth. Being of generally poor health as I was born 4 months premature, I faked breathing problems to get him to back off, as by that point he was leaning on top of me.

Nothing of the kind ever happened again, but around the same time my younger sister accused my father of having molested her one weekend while we were staying with him. The charges never went through and the entire subject was dropped. My sister, now 16, hates my father for entirely different reasons, and has never mentioned her accusations again. Still, I find myself wondering about what might or might not have happened in that bedroom when I was 11 if I hadn't gotten him to leave me alone.

Despite all of this, for a long time when I was a teenager, I couldn't understand why I wasn't interested in sex. Although I am a lesbian, having realized why I had no interest in boys when I was 13, I have never made any heartfelt attempts at really establishing a relationship with another girl.

As a 19 year old college student I have still never dated a single person, and have actively sabotaged the innocent interests of good friends of mine. The thought of physical intimacy make me nauseous, and the thought of emotional intimacy makes me anxious and angry.

As if all this weren't enough, I was very recently informed by my mother that I was molested by a female baby-sitter when I was 2 years old. I have absolutely no memory of this abuse, but have no doubts that it could only have been compounded with the duress I suffered during childhood to form my current particular problems.

I can't establish real, intimate relationships with other people. Even my very good friends concede that I'm an asshole, and I use sarcasm to keep everyone I know away from me. I find myself hating people for no reason at all, especially a certain friend of mine; Last year, she and I attempted a sort of pre-relationship flirtation which ended with me making her cry and she not speaking to me for a few weeks.

It wasn't until that point that I began to closely examine my behaviour towards others. I harbor no ill will towards my father - I know and accept him for what he is, and understand that he can't be blamed for the things he did when I was a child. As previously stated, I can't recall anything at all about my previous abuse as a 2-year-old.

I've considered therapy multiple times, mostly at the behest of my might-have-been-girlfriend, but don't know where to begin. I don't trust anyone I know enough to sit down and tell them about any of this, but I can't help but think that if things keep going the way they are, I'll never be able to have a relationship with anyone.

I apologize for the length of this post, and I'm thankful to anyone who's managed to read all of this. I would appreciate any replies at all.

May 29, 2007
3:07 am
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foolfoolfool
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Hi Meibatsu,

I am also a lesbian & have come here looking for some relief & understanding of why i am having difficulty with relationships (one in particular)

In short i was married to a woman who cheated on me repeatedly for over 3 years (the first year was beautiful). I would find out & she would lie & charm her way back into my life... Why??? I have yet to figure that out completely but i have been researching her personality & have come up with a reasonable idea that she has a borderline personality.

I think that its REALLY good that you are at the very least trying to figure out what blocks you from forming healthy relationships... And i hope you discover the reasons & fix them before you end up REALLY hurting yourself & others.

I think half of the reason i took my ex back SOOOOO many times is that i wanted to SAVE her. She had a horrible childhood & with that she developed her borderline personality which has made her one crazy bitch! She is a bottomless pit who NEEDS to have people prove their love to her & if they dont she will manipulate the situation until you do... THEN once she has her proof she gets bored & requires it of someone else...
This woman PLAYED WITH MY HEART. sHE SHATTERED IT INTO 100000000 PEICES and now i am trying to figure out how to put it back together.

And so if I could give you ANY advice at all it is that you DONT get involved with anybody until you figure yourself out. Please remember that there are other peoples hearts involved when you "play" with them.

Unfortunately my ex has a LOT of karma coming her way & i cant see her ever having a successful life in anyway. Do something about your problem before you end up having too much karma coming to you.

I hope im not coming across as mean, I genuinely feel sad that you have had these troubles in your chilhood and i am happy to see you are facing these problems.

Hope i helped
Fool

May 29, 2007
10:59 am
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anothergirl
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Also a lesbian. My girlfriend of 8 years just left me. I am 37 years old, and she is the only relationship i have ever had. Like you, I had no interest in guys, and really took my time with starting to date women. I didn't actually meet my first real girlfriend until I was 29. And I was a virgin. I gave her all of myself. My heart. We are trying to be friends, but it's hard. I am having a hard time functioning. I cry all the time. Its been 6 months since we broke up. I hope it gets better soon.

May 29, 2007
11:15 am
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StronginHim77
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Meibatsu -

Sounds like you have come to a "crossroads" in your life. You have come out of denial that something is wrong and you are coming to a point of acceptance and willingness to take action...to get the help you need to recover.

Like you, I was sexually molested as a toddler, although I have no memories of it. I can also assure you that your father's behavior was criminal...as was your mother's lack of intervention. Allowing your husband to lick your child? I don't think so. She had to know how off the charts his conduct was.

If you have the resources, please consider therapy at this juncture. It sounds as if you are ready. Interestingly enough, I don't think you are a lesbian, as much as you as repulsed by men and genral, sexual and emotional intimacy because of your terrible experiences. Sexual intimacy is part of emotional vulnerability. Life has taught you that such vulnerability is to be avoided at all costs. You need professional help to "re-program" yourself, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

You have been dreadfully (and criminally) abused, as has your sister. Both of you need support and recovery from the traumas you have endured.

Without help, you will find ANY close relationship unworkable and unbearable. It is just too threatening for you to allow anyone to get close to you.

You are not a bad person. You are a WOUNDED person. I hope you reach out.

- Ma Strong

May 29, 2007
12:06 pm
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Meibatsu
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I wanted to take the time to thank you all for your responses. As I mentioned, I've never told anyone any of this before, and a lot of the time I'm not certain that I'm not making too much of something that's actually inconsequential. You can't imagine how good it feels to at least have the validation and support of people who are going through hardships of a similar nature.

I would really love to get into some sort of therapy, but I have no idea where to start. I don't feel comfortable telling my mother about most of the things I just related to all of you, and so I find it difficult to impress upon her my need for counseling of some kind.

As to whether or not I really am a lesbian, or the events I went through as a child have 'turned me away' from men, I really can't say at all, although I often think about it. As impossible as it is for me to form relationships with anyone right now, I don't think there is anyway for me to know for certain. I remember that I always was the tom boy, hanging out with the guys and protecting the girls on the playground from bullies, but as I was still so young it's hard to be sure how I was and was not affected by everything that happened. That is one thing I'm hoping therapy will be able to help me sort out.

Thank you all again for your responses. I hope things turn out well for all of us. 🙂

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